TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on social science, Write a post responding to the professor's question, in your response, you should *express and support your personal opinion*make a contribution to the discussion in your own words

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

虽然你的文章回答了教授的问题并表达了你的观点，但是在论证方面还有待加强。建议你在论述观点时，提供更多具体的例子和详细的解释来支持你的观点。此外，注意避免使用过于复杂或冗长的句子，以免影响文章的可读性。

Example 1: Instead of: "Nowadays, as the global network and internet developing rapidly, childen may have more opptunities to access some harmful things." Try: "With the rapid development of the internet, children are more likely to be exposed to harmful content."

Example 2: Instead of: "For instance, a classsmate of my little brother, who is in the primary school now, bought some violent video tapes himself without telling his parent, and it ultimatly lead to a bad influence on his mind, and that could be a serious problem for a kid." Try: "For example, my younger brother's primary school classmate secretly purchased violent video tapes which negatively influenced his mindset – a serious issue for young children."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章整体结构尚可，但在段落划分和过渡方面还有改进空间。建议将不同观点或论证分成独立段落，并使用恰当的过渡词汇连接各个段落，使文章更加流畅。

Example 1: Instead of: "I oppose Ella and Stefen's perspective that giving weekly money to children can leads to positive effects, and would like to give some additional insights." Try: "I disagree with Ella and Stefen's view that giving weekly money to children has positive effects. I would like to present some counterarguments."

Example 2: Instead of: "To elaborate, children who receive weekly money from their parents may have so much risks facing those attractive things, no matter whether they are harmful or not." Try: "One reason for my disagreement is that children receiving weekly money may face numerous risks when encountering tempting items, regardless of whether they are harmful or not."

5. 语法批改

I oppose Ella and StefenStephen(misspelling)'s perspective that giving weekly money to children can leadslead(Non-infinitive verb after modal verbs) to positive effects, and would like to give some additional insights. I believe that the disadvantages of doing this show a greater importance against those advantages, as children are too young to fight against the lure. To elaborate, children who receive weekly money from their parents may have so much risks facing those attractive things, no matter whether they are harmful or not. Nowadays, as the global network and internet developing rapidly, childenchildren(misspelling) may have more opptunitiesopportunities(misspelling) to access some harmful things. For instance, a classsmateclassmate(misspelling) of my little brother, who is in the primary school now, bought some violent video tapesvideotapes(video tape (videotape)) himself without telling his parent, and it ultimatlyultimately(misspelling) lead to a bad influence on his mind, and that could be a serious problem for a kid.

Title: 6 文章修订

I respectfully disagree with Ella and Stefen's view that providing children with weekly pocket money leads to positive outcomes, and I would like to offer some alternative perspectives. In my opinion, the potential drawbacks of this practice outweigh the benefits, as children may not possess the maturity to resist temptation.

To elaborate, children who receive a weekly allowance from their parents may be exposed to numerous risks associated with enticing yet potentially harmful items or activities. With the rapid development of global networks and the internet, children have increased access to potentially damaging content.

For example, a classmate of my younger brother, who is currently in primary school, secretly purchased violent video tapes without informing his parents. This ultimately had a negative impact on his mental well-being, which could pose serious problems for a child at such a young age. (143 words)

Revised essay: Title: 7 文章批改

I oppose respectfully disagree (changed "oppose" to "respectfully disagree" for a more polite tone) with Ella and Stefen's perspective (changed "view" to "perspective" for variety) that giving weekly money to children can leads lead (corrected grammar by changing "leads" to "lead") to positive effects, and would like to give offer some additional insights. I believe that the disadvantages of doing this show a greater importance against those advantages, advantages (rephrased for clarity), as children are too young to fight against the lure. lure (rephrased for a more natural tone).

To elaborate, children who receive weekly money from their parents may have face many risks (changed "have so much risks facing those facing" to "face many risks") associated with attractive things, no matter regardless of whether they are harmful or not. Nowadays, as the with the rapid development of global network networks and internet developing rapidly, childen the internet, children may have more opptunities opportunities (corrected spelling) to access some potentially harmful things. content.

For instance, a classsmate classmate of my little brother, who is in the primary school now, bought some violent video tapes himself without telling his parent, and it ultimatly lead to a bad parents. This ultimately led (corrected grammar by changing "lead" to "led") to a negative influence on his mind, and that which could be a serious problem for a kid.child at such a young age (rephrased for clarity).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Disagree with Ella and Stefen's view
   - Potential drawbacks outweigh benefits

2. Lack of maturity in children
   - Temptation and misuse of pocket money

3. Exposure to risks
   - Harmful items or activities
   - Influence of global networks and the internet

4. Real-life example
   - Younger brother's classmate
   - Purchased violent video tapes without informing parents

5. Negative impact on mental well-being

6. Conclusion 
   - Importance of considering potential dangers before providing pocket money to children

Title: 9 关键词