TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions: Your professor is teaching a class on business. Write a post responding to the professor's question. In your response you should: express and support your personal opinion make a contribution to the discussion An effective response will contain at least 100 words.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• Estimated Score: 28

3. 任务完成度

你的文章在回答问题方面做得很好，但仍有一些改进的空间。首先，你需要更详细地阐述你的观点，例如解释为什么你认为spotlight effect对心理学的贡献很重要。此外，尽量减少语法错误和用词不当。

改进建议示例：

1. "It is not really intuitive to see that people tend to help less in crowds because it might be asumed that people want to be be seen as caring and kind when others are around." 改为 "It is counterintuitive that people tend to help less in crowds, as one might assume individuals would want to appear caring and kind in front of others."

2. "And there is no need to be embarrasses about one little foolish thing you did in public because people might just did not notice it as you did." 改为 "There is no need to feel embarrassed about a minor mistake made in public, as people may not have noticed it as much as you did."

4. 文章结构与组织

从结构和组织方面来看，文章整体上表现良好。然而，在写作过程中，你可以更加注意段落之间的过渡和逻辑连接。此外，在引入新观点时，尝试使用更清晰的主题句来引导读者。

改进建议示例：

1. 在谈论spotlight effect时，可以使用一个更明确的主题句，如：“在我看来，spotlight effect是一个值得关注的心理现象，因为它揭示了人们在公共场合的自我意识。”

2. 在段落之间添加过渡句子，如：“与Karen和Brad提到的现象类似，spotlight effect也为我们提供了关于人类行为和心理过程的有趣见解。”

5. 语法批改

The bystander effects and DBT are really interestingfascinating(Extreme adjectives) things to hear about this topic. It is not really intuitive to see that people tend to help less in crowds because it might be asumedassumed(misspelling) that people want to be bebe(Word repetition (e.g. 'will will')) seen as caring and kind when others are around. And what Brad introduced to us is also very valuable, and I am glad to know this treatment is helpful to those in need and hope it will be known to more. In my view, I know a little funny fact of psychological phenomenonphenomenon,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) which is the spotlight effects. It tells us people just do not give that much of attention to you as you give to yourself, and there is no need to be embarrasses about one little foolish thing you did in public because people might just diddo(Non-infinitive verb after modal verbs) not notice it as you did.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

The bystander effect and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) are indeed fascinating aspects of psychology that warrant further exploration. It is counterintuitive to realize that individuals are less inclined to offer assistance in group settings, as one might assume that people would want to demonstrate their compassion and kindness in the presence of others. Similarly, Brad's introduction of DBT as an effective treatment for conditions like borderline personality disorder highlights the importance of acknowledging lesser-known therapeutic approaches that can significantly improve well-being. In my opinion, another intriguing psychological phenomenon worth mentioning is the spotlight effect. This concept suggests that people tend to overestimate the amount of attention others pay to them, often leading to unnecessary embarrassment over minor mistakes made in public. Recognizing this phenomenon can help alleviate social anxiety and promote a healthier perspective on self-perception. (141 words)

Section Title: 7 Article Revision

The bystander effects effect and DBT dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) are really interesting things to hear about this topic. indeed fascinating aspects of psychology that warrant further exploration (clarified the subject matter). It is not really intuitive counterintuitive to see realize that individuals are less inclined to offer assistance in group settings, as one might assume that people would want to demonstrate their compassion and kindness in the presence of others (rephrased for clarity and conciseness). Similarly, Brad's introduction of DBT as an effective treatment for conditions like borderline personality disorder highlights the importance of acknowledging lesser-known therapeutic approaches that can significantly improve well-being (added context for DBT). In my opinion, another intriguing psychological phenomenon worth mentioning is the spotlight effect (connected this sentence with the previous idea). This concept suggests that people tend to help less overestimate the amount of attention others pay to them, often leading to unnecessary embarrassment over minor mistakes made in crowds because it might be asumed that people want to be be seen as caring and kind when others are around. And what Brad introduced to us is also very valuable, and I am glad to know this treatment is helpful to those in need and hope it will be known to more. In my view, I know a little funny fact of psychological phenomenon which is public (explained the spotlight effects. It tells us people just do not give that much effect). Recognizing this phenomenon can help alleviate social anxiety and promote a healthier perspective on self-perception (concluded with benefits of attention to you as you give to yourself, and there is no need to be embarrasses about one little foolish thing you did in public because people might just did not notice it as you did.understanding the spotlight effect).

8 思维导图

- 主题: 心理学现象
  - 旁观者效应 (Bystander Effect)
    - 群体中的帮助倾向性降低
    - 展示同情和善良的期望
  - 辩证行为疗法 (Dialectical Behavior Therapy, DBT)
    - 治疗边缘性人格障碍等疾病
    - 较少为人知晓的治疗方法
  - 聚光灯效应 (Spotlight Effect)
    - 对他人关注度的高估计
    - 减轻社交焦虑和改善自我认知

9 关键词

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 26 (based on the average of Sub Scores)

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of addressing the specific requirements of the task, expressing a personal opinion, and contributing to the discussion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples or details to support the argument.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more concrete examples from personal experience or observations to support your preference for using outlines.

• Explain how using outlines can benefit students in different stages of their academic journey.

Examples:

1. "For instance, when I was in middle school, I struggled with organizing my thoughts in essays until my teacher introduced me to outlining. This technique allowed me to visualize the flow of my ideas and make necessary adjustments before diving into writing."
2. "Furthermore, learning how to create outlines early on can help students develop strong organizational skills that will be useful not only in writing but also in other aspects of their academic and professional lives."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could benefit from better transitions between ideas and paragraphs to enhance its logical organization.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use transitional phrases or words to connect ideas within paragraphs.

• Make sure each paragraph focuses on one main point with supporting details.

Examples:

1. "In addition to my personal experience, research has shown that using outlines can improve students' writing skills by helping them organize their thoughts more effectively."
2. "Moreover, creating an outline before writing can also help students identify gaps in their arguments or areas where they need more evidence or examples."

5. Grammar

I would prefer using outlines when I teach children. Clear structures and outlines help students cultivate independent thinking and write down corresponding contents ..(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses)Based Based(Missing space between sentences) on my personal experience, when I started to write an article during my senior high school years, at first I adopted a free writing method. However, without clear outlines and structure, (Two consecutive spaces)my articles are always evaluated as too broad and irrelevant by teachers. Therefore, when I changed to using a systematic writing method, not only saved lots of time for creating related contents, but also helped me complete an article more efficiently. In conclusion, the learning method of writing down outlines is the first and foremost step for students starting writing an article.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, utilizing outlines when teaching children is the most effective approach. Providing clear structures and outlines enables students to develop independent thinking and produce well-organized content. Reflecting on my personal experience during senior high school, I initially employed a free writing method when composing articles. However, due to the lack of clear outlines and structure, my work was often criticized by teachers for being too broad and irrelevant. Upon adopting a more systematic writing approach, I not only saved time in generating pertinent content but also enhanced my overall efficiency in completing articles. Thus, I firmly believe that learning to create outlines is a crucial first step for students embarking on their writing journey. (121 words)

I In my opinion, utilizing (I revised "I would prefer using using" to "utilizing" for a more formal tone) outlines when I teach children. Clear teaching children is the most effective approach. Providing clear structures and outlines help enables (I changed "help" to "enables" for a more natural flow) students cultivate to develop independent thinking and write produce well-organized content (I revised "write down corresponding contents .Based contents" to make it clearer and more concise). Reflecting on my personal experience, when I started to write an article experience during my senior high school years, at first I adopted school, I initially employed (I changed "adopted" to "employed" for better word choice) a free writing method. method when composing articles. However, without due to the lack of clear outlines and structure, my articles are always evaluated as structure, my work was often criticized by teachers (I changed "evaluated as" to "criticized by teachers" for clarity) for being too broad and irrelevant by teachers. Therefore, when I changed to using a irrelevant. Upon adopting a more systematic writing method, approach (I revised this phrase for better flow), I not only saved lots of time for creating related contents, in generating pertinent content but also helped me complete an article more efficiently. In conclusion, enhanced my overall efficiency in completing articles. Thus, I firmly believe that learning to create outlines is a crucial first step (I changed "the first and foremost step" to "a crucial first step" for better emphasis) for students embarking on their writing journey (I revised the learning method of writing down outlines is the first and foremost step for students starting writing an article.ending phrase for a more natural tone).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Importance of outlines
   • Personal experience

2. Free writing method

   • Lack of structure
   • Criticism from teachers

3. Systematic writing approach

   • Clear outlines
   • Improved efficiency

4. Benefits of using outlines

   • Independent thinking
   • Well-organized content

5. Personal improvement

   • Time-saving
   • Enhanced efficiency

6. Conclusion

   • Importance of learning to create outlines
   • Crucial first step in writing journey

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, utilizing outlines when teaching children is the most effective approach. Providing clear structures and outlines enables students to develop independent thinking and produce well-organized content. Reflecting on my personal experience during senior high school, I initially employed a free writing method when composing articles. However, due to the lack of clear outlines and structure, my work was often criticized by teachers for being too broad and irrelevant. Upon adopting a more systematic writing approach, I not only saved time in generating pertinent content but also enhanced my overall efficiency in completing articles. Thus, I firmly believe that learning to create outlines is a crucial first step for students embarking on their writing journey.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 25

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of expressing a personal opinion and providing examples to support it. However, there is room for improvement in terms of grammar and language use. Some sentences are difficult to understand due to grammatical errors or awkward phrasing.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Proofread the essay to correct grammatical errors.

• Use more varied sentence structures and vocabulary.

Examples:

1. Original sentence: "However, recently lots of Youtubers film the videos which centered around the hotels..." Improved sentence: "However, recently many YouTubers have created videos that focus on hotels..."

2. Original sentence: "Therefor, it is great for us taking their videos as the reference, avoiding making wrong decision." Improved sentence: "Therefore, using their videos as a reference can help us make better decisions and avoid mistakes."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the organization could be improved by adding transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Add transitions between ideas to improve the flow of the essay.

• Ensure each paragraph focuses on a specific point with supporting details.

Examples:

1. Add a transition at the beginning of the second paragraph: "In my opinion, influencers generally have a positive effect on their followers because they provide valuable information."

2. Improve paragraph focus by adding more supporting details: "For example, when influencers review hotels in their videos, they often provide detailed information about room types, amenities, meals, location, and public transportation options."

5. Grammar

I think the influencers generally can generate positive effect for the people, they have to keep trying newest things or trends to appeal the attentions, at the same time they provide us the related reviews and recommendations.For For(Missing space between sentences) examples, in the past when we had to book the hotels for traveling, we only can review the text comments on the official websites, be sometimes it was hard to find the newest situations and photos. However, recently lots of YoutubersYouTubers(misspelling) film the videos which centered around the hotels, in the videos they will introduce different types of rooms, basic infrastructures, meal, the location of the hotels and the public transportation, providing lots of convenience. Therefor, it is great for us taking their videos as the reference, avoiding making wrong decision.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, social media influencers can generally have a positive impact on their followers. These influencers constantly explore and showcase the latest trends, providing valuable insights and recommendations. For instance, in the past, when booking hotels for travel, we could only rely on text comments and limited information from official websites. Nowadays, numerous YouTubers create content centered around hotels, offering comprehensive reviews of various room types, amenities, dining options, location, and public transportation access. This wealth of information significantly contributes to our decision-making process and helps us avoid making unsuitable choices. Thus, I believe that social media influencers can be beneficial by providing timely and relevant information to their followers. (116 words)

I think In my opinion (revised for a more natural tone), social media influencers can generally have a positive impact on their followers (rephrased for clarity). These influencers constantly explore and showcase the influencers generally can generate positive effect latest trends (reworded for the people, they have to keep trying newest things or trends to appeal the attentions, at the same time they provide us the related reviews better flow), providing valuable insights and recommendations.For examples, recommendations (added for emphasis). For instance, in the past past, when we had to book the booking hotels for traveling, travel, we could only can review the rely on text comments on the and limited information from official websites, be sometimes it was hard websites (rephrased to find the newest situations and photos. However, recently lots of Youtubers film the videos which improve sentence structure). Nowadays, numerous YouTubers create content centered around hotels, offering comprehensive reviews of various room types, amenities, dining options, location, and public transportation access (restructured sentence for clarity). This wealth of information significantly contributes to our decision-making process and helps us avoid making unsuitable choices (rephrased to emphasize the hotels, in the videos they will introduce different types of rooms, basic infrastructures, meal, the location of the hotels benefits). Thus, I believe that social media influencers can be beneficial by providing timely and the public transportation, providing lots of convenience. Therefor, it is great relevant information to their followers (concluding statement reworded for us taking their videos as the reference, avoiding making wrong decision.a more natural tone).

8 Mind Map

1. Social media influencers

   • Positive impact
   • Latest trends
   • Valuable insights

2. Hotel reviews example

   • Comprehensive information
   • Room types, amenities, dining options, location, public transportation access

3. Decision-making process

   • Avoid unsuitable choices

4. Timely and relevant information

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, social media influencers can generally have a positive impact on their followers. These influencers constantly explore and showcase the latest trends, providing valuable insights and recommendations. For instance, in the past, when booking hotels for travel, we could only rely on text comments and limited information from official websites. Nowadays, numerous YouTubers create content centered around hotels, offering comprehensive reviews of various room types, amenities, dining options, location, and public transportation access. This wealth of information significantly contributes to our decision-making process and helps us avoid making unsuitable choices. Thus, I believe that social media influencers can be beneficial by providing timely and relevant information to their followers.