TOEFL TPO 15 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on human resources management. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1.Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2.Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 28

3.Task completeness

The essay addresses the specific requirements of the task by expressing an opinion on how companies can encourage employees to stay. However, it could be improved by acknowledging Paul and Claire's suggestions more explicitly before presenting the alternative viewpoint on salary increases. Additionally, providing more concrete examples or evidence to support the argument would strengthen the essay.

Example 1: "In addition to Paul's suggestion of a comfortable work environment and Claire's idea of skill advancement opportunities, I believe that increasing employees' salaries is crucial for retaining them."

Example 2: "Research has shown that competitive salaries are one of the top factors influencing employee retention, as it directly impacts their financial stability and overall satisfaction."

4.Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could benefit from clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve coherence.

Example 1: "While Paul suggests creating a pleasant work environment and Claire emphasizes skill advancement opportunities, I believe that offering competitive salaries is the most effective way to retain employees."

Example 2: "In summary, although creating a comfortable workspace and providing opportunities for growth are important factors in employee retention, increasing salaries should be considered as a primary strategy for companies aiming to maintain their staffing levels."

5. Grammar

Admittedly, the suggestions Paul and Claire offer will take some effect. However, they do not see the basic needs of employees. From my perspective, the most effective method is increasing their salaries. Because it is known to us that in today's highly competitive society, there are more avenues where we should spend our money than the past. Take young employees as an example. They must pay the costly bills for their future lifelife,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) like the marriage and their children's education. For example, they must send their children to the best private school and the best tutoring classes for better education. Therefore, they are likely to be worried about some financial burden and prefer to work for a company providing them with more salaries. If the company does so, they are able to solve a lot of problems in their life and have a positive attitude towards their work and life so that they will not resign for another company. In summary, increasing the salaries will turn out to be effective.

6.Revised Essay

While Paul suggests creating a pleasant work environment and Claire emphasizes skill advancement opportunities, I believe that offering competitive salaries is the most effective way to retain employees. In today's highly competitive society, individuals face increasing financial pressures, such as housing costs, marriage expenses, and children's education. Consequently, employees are more likely to prioritize higher salaries when considering job satisfaction and stability.

Take young professionals as an example. They often have to bear the burden of student loans while planning for future life events like weddings and raising a family. Providing competitive salaries can alleviate these financial concerns and foster a positive attitude towards their work, making them less likely to seek employment elsewhere.

Furthermore, research has shown that competitive salaries are one of the top factors influencing employee retention, as it directly impacts their financial stability and overall satisfaction. Companies that prioritize fair compensation will not only retain their current workforce but also attract new talent in the process.

Therefore, although creating a comfortable workspace and providing opportunities for growth are important factors in employee retention, increasing salaries should be considered as a primary strategy for companies aiming to maintain their staffing levels. (196 words)

Admittedly, the suggestions 7.Essay Grading

While Paul suggests creating a pleasant work environment and Claire offer will take some effect. However, they do not see the basic needs of employees. From my perspective, emphasizes skill advancement opportunities, I believe that offering competitive salaries is the most effective method is increasing their salaries. Because it is known to us that in way to retain employees. (This sentence provides a smooth transition and acknowledges both Paul and Claire's suggestions before presenting the alternative viewpoint on salary increases.) In today's highly competitive society, there individuals face increasing financial pressures, such as housing costs, marriage expenses, and children's education. (This sentence adds context to the argument by mentioning specific financial pressures faced by employees.) Consequently, employees are more avenues where we should spend our money than the past. likely to prioritize higher salaries when considering job satisfaction and stability.

Take young employees professionals as an example. They must pay the costly bills often have to bear the burden of student loans while planning for their future life events like the marriage and their children's education. For example, they must send their children to the best private school and the best tutoring classes for better education. Therefore, they are likely to be worried about some financial burden and prefer to work for a company providing them with more salaries. If the company does so, they are able to solve a lot of problems in their life and have weddings and raising a family. (This sentence provides a specific example of a group affected by financial pressures.) Providing competitive salaries can alleviate these financial concerns and foster a positive attitude towards their work and life so work, making them less likely to seek employment elsewhere.

Furthermore, research has shown that they competitive salaries are one of the top factors influencing employee retention, as it directly impacts their financial stability and overall satisfaction. (This sentence strengthens the argument by citing research findings.) Companies that prioritize fair compensation will not resign only retain their current workforce but also attract new talent in the process. (This sentence highlights an additional benefit of offering competitive salaries.)

Therefore, although creating a comfortable workspace and providing opportunities for another company. In summary, growth are important factors in employee retention, increasing the salaries will turn out to salaries should be effective.considered as a primary strategy for companies aiming to maintain their staffing levels. (This concluding sentence reinforces the main argument while acknowledging other factors mentioned earlier in the discussion.)

8.Mind Map

- Introduction
  - Paul's suggestion: pleasant work environment
  - Claire's suggestion: skill advancement opportunities
  - Alternative viewpoint: competitive salaries

- Financial pressures in today's society
  - Housing costs
  - Marriage expenses
  - Children's education

- Example: young professionals
  - Student loans
  - Planning for future life events

- Research findings on employee retention
  - Competitive salaries as a top factor

- Benefits of offering competitive salaries
  - Retaining current workforce
  - Attracting new talent

- Conclusion
  - Importance of increasing salaries alongside other factors for employee retention 

9.Key Words