TOEFL TPO 15 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on human resources management. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1.子项得分 Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2.预估分数

25. 3.任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得很好，表达了作者对保留员工的看法。然而，有一些语法错误和用词不当的地方需要改进。此外，可以更详细地阐述观点，提供更多具体的例子来支持观点。

改进建议示例：

• 将 "I concur with Paul's view that the opportunities a company offered is the most crucial thing to retain emplayees." 改为 "I concur with Claire's view that the opportunities a company offers are the most crucial factor in retaining employees."

• 将 "Most of people are amibitious and enterprising about their career, and they would leave if they found there is no elevated spaces." 改为 "Most people are ambitious and enterprising in their careers, and they would leave if they found there were no opportunities for growth."

4.文章结构与组织 文章的结构和组织方面基本合理，但可以进一步优化。首先，在引言部分可以更明确地陈述自己的观点。其次，在正文部分可以使用更清晰的过渡词汇来连接不同的观点。最后，在结论部分可以简洁明了地总结文章要点。

改进建议示例：

• 在引言部分，可以将 "Although Paul raises a valid point about the importance of a nice workplace, I concur with Paul's view that the opportunities a company offered is the most crucial thing to retain emplayees." 改为 "While Paul raises a valid point about the importance of a pleasant workplace, I believe that Claire's view on providing opportunities for growth within the company is more crucial for retaining employees."

• 在正文部分，可以在两个观点之间添加过渡词汇，例如将 "Notwithstanding the nice work environment is appealing, it is not the best way." 改为 "Although a pleasant work environment is appealing, it is not as effective as providing opportunities for growth and advancement within the company."

5. 语法批改

Although Paul raises a valid point about the importance of a nice workplace, I concur with Paul's view that the opportunities a company offered is the most crucial thing to retain emplayeesemployees(misspelling). Most of peopleMost of the people(Articles: 'most/some of' + plural noun) are amibitiousambitious(misspelling) and enterprising about their career, and they would leave if they found there is no elevated spaces. If the company cannot offer fresh positions and contiguous new incentives, it would be boring to do the same old jobs day after daysdays,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) which make the workers want to search for a new job. Additionally, as most of peoplemost of the people(Articles: 'most/some of' + plural noun) grew older, they need to take more obligations, such as get married or raise children, which require more money. Then an available appraochapproach(misspelling) to get promote will conducieconducive(misspelling) to let them stay that they can earn more money. Notwithstanding the nice work environment is appealing, it is not the best way. Because the eventual purpose of working, in most situationsituation,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) is to earn money and make livelihood. People will be more willing to create a comfortable environment at their home instead of in company. However, this demands can only be achieveachieved(Agreement: 'been' or 'was' + past tense) if there are new positions which offer higher salary.

6.文章修订

While Paul raises a valid point about the importance of a pleasant workplace, I believe that Claire's view on providing opportunities for growth within the company is more crucial for retaining employees. Most people are ambitious and enterprising in their careers, and they would leave if they found there were no opportunities for growth.

If a company cannot offer new positions and continuous incentives, it becomes monotonous to perform the same tasks day after day, which may lead workers to search for new jobs. Additionally, as people grow older and take on more responsibilities such as marriage or raising children, they require higher incomes. Thus, having opportunities for promotion within the company encourages them to stay and earn more money.

Although a pleasant work environment is appealing, it is not as effective as providing opportunities for growth and advancement within the company. The ultimate purpose of working in most situations is to earn money and support one's livelihood. People are more inclined to create comfortable environments at home rather than at work. However, this can only be achieved if there are new positions offering higher salaries.

By focusing on employee development and offering various career advancement opportunities, companies can effectively retain their workforce while fostering a positive work environment that encourages loyalty and commitment. (215 words)

Although 7.文章批改

While Paul raises a valid point about the importance of a nice workplace, pleasant workplace (clarified subject), I concur with Paul's believe that Claire's view that the opportunities a company offered is the most on providing opportunities for growth within the company is more crucial thing to retain emplayees. ¶ for retaining employees (corrected subject and added emphasis). Most of people are amibitious ambitious and enterprising about in their career, careers (improved vocabulary), and they would leave if they found there is were no elevated spaces. opportunities for growth (simplified sentence).

If the a company cannot offer fresh new positions and contiguous new incentives, continuous incentives (improved vocabulary), it would be boring to do becomes monotonous to perform the same old jobs tasks day after days day (simplified sentence), which make the may lead workers want to search for a new job. jobs. Additionally, as most of people grew older, grow older and take on more responsibilities such as marriage or raising children, they need to take more obligations, such as get married or raise children, which require more money. Then an available appraoch to get promote will conducie to let higher incomes (clarified idea). Thus, having opportunities for promotion within the company encourages them to stay that they can and earn more money. ¶ Notwithstanding the nice money (simplified sentence).

Although a pleasant work environment is appealing, it is not the best way. Because the eventual as effective as providing opportunities for growth and advancement within the company (smooth transition). The ultimate purpose of working, working in most situation situations is to earn money and make livelihood. support one's livelihood (clarified idea). People will be more willing are more inclined to create a comfortable environment environments at their home instead of in company. rather than at work (simplified sentence). However, this demands can only be achieve achieved if there are new positions which offer offering higher salary.salaries (added emphasis).

By focusing on employee development and offering various career advancement opportunities, companies can effectively retain their workforce while fostering a positive work environment that encourages loyalty and commitment (strong conclusion without using "in conclusion").

8.思维导图

• Introduction

  • Paul's point: pleasant workplace
  • Claire's view: opportunities for growth

• Argument 1: Ambitious employees

  • Career growth opportunities
  • Retaining talent

• Argument 2: Monotonous tasks

  • New positions and incentives
  • Avoiding job search

• Argument 3: Higher incomes and responsibilities

  • Promotion opportunities
  • Encouraging employees to stay

• Counterargument: Pleasant work environment vs. growth opportunities

  • Ultimate purpose of working: earn money, support livelihood

• Conclusion:

  • Employee development and career advancement opportunities

9.关键词