TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on tourism. Write a postresponding to the professor's question.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 20

3. Task completeness

The essay provides a personal opinion on the impact of books and television in today's society, addressing the question posed by Dr. Diaz. However, the essay could benefit from clearer elaboration on the reasons behind the chosen viewpoint, as well as providing more specific examples to support the argument. Additionally, some grammar errors and awkward phrasing detract from the overall clarity of the essay.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples to support your viewpoint.

• Elaborate on your reasons for choosing books over television.

• Revise grammar errors and awkward phrasing.

Examples:

1. "By offering books instead of televisions, people can ensure they spent their time more effectily..." could be revised to "By choosing to read books instead of watching television, people can ensure they spend their time more effectively..."
2. Consider adding a sentence like "For example, books such as '1984' by George Orwell have had a lasting impact on readers' understanding of totalitarianism and surveillance."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it lacks clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs. The organization could be improved by focusing each paragraph on a specific point with supporting details.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

• Focus each paragraph on a specific point with supporting details.

Examples:

1. Add a transition sentence like "On the other hand," before discussing Claire's viewpoint in contrast to Andrew's.
2. Organize your body paragraphs by first discussing one reason why you believe books have a stronger impact (e.g., depth of knowledge), then moving on to another reason (e.g., less distraction compared to television) in a separate paragraph.

5. Grammar

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that books, such as novels and non-fictions, isare(Detects potentially wrong usage of "is") exertexerted(Agreement: 'been' or 'was' + past tense) a stronger impact on individuals in today's society. It is important to remember that the theirthere(Detects potentially wrong usage of "their") are databases proving that books can better impact on a person's memory onas(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) to certain knowledgesknowledge(misspelling), and their memory plays a vital role in determining whether they spent their time valuable or not. By offering books instead of televisions, people can ensure they spent their time more effectilyeffective(misspelling), which in turn will let books impact more on them. Although Andrew highlights the importance of television's unique visual experience, he fails to consider the television can easily distract people. In such cases, access to television may not be sufficient tofor(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) reading books. Therefore, focusing on books like can prove to be a more effective and impact more to people.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that books, including novels and non-fiction works, exert a stronger impact on individuals in today's society. It is crucial to consider that there is evidence suggesting books have a more significant effect on a person's memory retention of knowledge, which plays a vital role in determining the value of their time spent. By engaging with books rather than television, individuals can ensure they utilize their time more effectively, allowing books to have a greater influence on them. Although Andrew emphasizes the importance of television's unique visual experience, he overlooks the potential for television to easily distract viewers. In such cases, access to television may not be as beneficial as reading books. Consequently, focusing on books can prove to be a more impactful and effective approach for people in contemporary society. (145 words)

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that books, such as including novels and non-fictions, is non-fiction works [revised for clarity and parallelism], exert a stronger impact on individuals in today's society. It is important crucial to remember consider that the their are databases proving that there is evidence [corrected grammar] suggesting books can better impact have a more significant effect on a person's memory on to certain knowledges, and their memory retention of knowledge [rephrased for clarity], which plays a vital role in determining whether they spent the value of their time valuable or not. spent. By offering engaging with books instead of televisions, people rather than television, individuals can ensure they spent utilize their time more effectily, which in turn will let effectively [rephrased for clarity], allowing books impact more to have a greater influence on them. Although Andrew highlights emphasizes the importance of television's unique visual experience, he fails overlooks the potential for television to consider the television can easily distract people. viewers [rephrased for clarity]. In such cases, access to television may not be sufficient to as beneficial as reading books. Therefore, Consequently, focusing on books like can prove to be a more impactful and effective and impact more to people.approach for people in contemporary society [rephrased for clarity].

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Andrew's argument: television
   • Claire's argument: books
   • Thesis: books have a stronger impact

2. Memory retention

   • Evidence supporting books
   • Importance of knowledge retention

3. Time effectiveness

   • Engaging with books vs. television
   • Utilizing time wisely

4. Television's visual experience

   • Andrew's emphasis on visuals
   • Distraction potential

5. Books vs. television distractions

   • Less distraction in reading books
   • More focus on content

6. Impact on individuals in contemporary society

   • Books as a more effective approach
   • Greater influence on people

7. Conclusion

   • Reiterate thesis: books have a stronger impact than television

9 Key Words

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 26 (out of 30)

3. Task Completeness

The essay does a good job addressing the specific requirements of the task, expressing a personal opinion, and contributing to the discussion in their own words. However, there is room for improvement in elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples or details to support the argument.

Example 1: Instead of just mentioning that city governments can ensure they did their best in building a place for traveling, provide concrete examples of how they can improve the appearance (e.g., renovating historical sites, creating public parks, or organizing cultural events).

Example 2: Discuss potential drawbacks of focusing solely on security measures rather than improving the city's appearance, such as creating an unwelcoming atmosphere for tourists or diverting resources from other important projects.

4. Essay Structure and Organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. The organization is logical with each paragraph focusing on a specific point and supporting details. However, transitions between ideas could be improved to create a smoother flow throughout the essay.

Example 1: Incorporate transitional phrases such as "on the other hand," "moreover," or "in contrast" to guide readers through your argument more effectively.

Example 2: Consider reorganizing your paragraphs so that you first present both Amy's and Benjamin's viewpoints briefly before delving into your own opinion. This would help establish context for your argument while also providing clearer connections between ideas presented in the discussion board conversation and your response.

5. Grammar

While both Amy and Benjamin present valid points, I believe that improving a city's appearance, such as cleaning the grounds and planting more plants, is the most effective way for a city to attract potential visitors. It is important to remember that the appearance of a city impact on visitors' feeling, and their feeling plays a vital role in determining the whetherwhether(How's the whether (weather)?) the city attracts visitors or not. By offering attractive environments, city governments can ensure that they did their best in building a place for traveling, which in turn will attract the maximum potential visitors. In addition, Benjamin highlights the importance of improving security needs to spent manpower and time, and on top of that, in nowadaysnowadays(Wrong phrase: 'in nowadays' (nowadays)) almost every city has a well-developed security system. In such cases, wasting that much time may not be sufficient to attract potential visitors. Therefore, focusing improving the appearance of the city prove to be a more effective way in attracting potential visitors while the secondary is a waste of time.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In considering the perspectives of both Amy and Benjamin, I concur that enhancing a city's appearance, such as maintaining cleanliness and incorporating more greenery, is the most effective approach to entice potential tourists. It is crucial to acknowledge that a city's aesthetic appeal significantly influences visitors' impressions, which in turn plays a pivotal role in determining its attractiveness as a destination. By cultivating visually appealing environments, city governments can ensure they have made optimal efforts in creating an inviting space for tourism, subsequently drawing in the maximum number of potential visitors. Furthermore, Benjamin underscores the resource-intensive nature of bolstering security measures, which may not be necessary given that most cities already possess well-developed security systems. Consequently, concentrating on improving a city's appearance proves to be a more efficient strategy for attracting tourists, while allocating excessive resources to security enhancements may be an unproductive use of time and effort. (153 words)

While In considering the perspectives of both Amy and Benjamin present valid points, Benjamin, I believe concur (revised for clarity and formality) that improving enhancing a city's appearance, such as cleaning the grounds and planting maintaining cleanliness (rephrased for better flow) and incorporating more plants, greenery (rephrased for clarity), is the most effective way for a city to attract approach to entice potential visitors. tourists. It is important to remember crucial to acknowledge that the appearance of a city impact on a city's aesthetic appeal significantly influences (rephrased for better flow) visitors' feeling, and their feeling impressions, which in turn plays a vital pivotal role (revised for emphasis) in determining the whether the city attracts visitors or not. its attractiveness as a destination. By offering attractive cultivating visually appealing environments, city governments can ensure that they did their best in building a place for traveling, which in turn will attract have made optimal efforts (rephrased for clarity) in creating an inviting space for tourism, subsequently drawing in the maximum number of potential visitors. In addition, Furthermore, Benjamin highlights the importance of improving underscores the resource-intensive nature (rephrased for clarity) of bolstering security needs to spent manpower and time, and on top of that, in nowadays almost every city has a well-developed security system. In such cases, wasting that much time measures, which may not be sufficient to attract potential visitors. Therefore, focusing necessary given that most cities already possess well-developed security systems. Consequently, concentrating on improving the a city's appearance of the city prove proves to be a more effective way in efficient strategy (rephrased for emphasis) for attracting potential visitors tourists, while the secondary is a waste of time.allocating excessive resources to security enhancements may be an unproductive use of time and effort (rephrased to avoid repetition).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Agree with Amy and Benjamin
   • Enhancing city appearance to attract tourists

2. Aesthetic appeal

   • Influences visitors' impressions
   • Determines attractiveness as a destination

3. Greenery and cleanliness

   • Visually appealing environments
   • Inviting space for tourism

4. Security measures

   • Resource-intensive nature
   • Most cities already have well-developed systems

5. Efficiency in strategy

   • Focus on appearance improvements
   • Avoid excessive resources on security enhancements

6. Conclusion

   • City appearance as the most effective approach

Display title: 9 Key Words

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In considering the perspectives of both Amy and Benjamin, I concur that enhancing a city's appearance, such as maintaining cleanliness and incorporating more greenery, is the most effective approach to entice potential tourists. It is crucial to acknowledge that a city's aesthetic appeal significantly influences visitors' impressions, which in turn plays a pivotal role in determining its attractiveness as a destination. By cultivating visually appealing environments, city governments can ensure they have made optimal efforts in creating an inviting space for tourism, subsequently drawing in the maximum number of potential visitors. Furthermore, Benjamin underscores the resource-intensive nature of bolstering security measures, which may not be necessary given that most cities already possess well-developed security systems. Consequently, concentrating on improving a city's appearance proves to be a more efficient strategy for attracting tourists, while allocating excessive resources to security enhancements may be an unproductive use of time and effort.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22

3. Task completeness

The essay does a decent job of addressing the specific requirements of the task, but there is room for improvement. The writer expresses their personal opinion and contributes to the discussion by mentioning both Lily's and Bob's points of view. However, the essay could benefit from more elaboration on the writer's own viewpoint and better use of examples to support their argument.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples or scenarios to support your opinion.

• Clearly state your stance in the introduction, making it easier for readers to understand your position from the beginning.

Examples in English:

1. "For instance, if someone is being verbally abusive towards another person, it might be necessary to be impolite in order to stand up for oneself or protect others from harm."
2. "In my opinion, while being polite is generally preferable, there are situations where being impolite may be justified due to factors such as self-defense or confronting unacceptable behavior."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could benefit from better organization within paragraphs and clearer transitions between ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Improve paragraph organization by focusing on one main idea per paragraph.

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs to enhance coherence.

Examples in English:

1. "On one hand, being polite is essential for maintaining good social relationships as Bob mentioned. However, there are situations where being impolite may be necessary."
2. "While I agree with Lily that not everyone deserves politeness all the time, it is important to consider the potential consequences of being impolite before acting."

5. 语法批改

While both Lily and Bob present valid points, I believe that there isare(Detects potentially wrong usage of "is") reasons for people to be impolite to the others, such as someone makes you really angryfurious(Extreme adjectives) and, and(comma between independent clauses) you have a proper reason to be impolite. It is important to remember that the athe(Two consecutive articles, e.g. 'the a') person's feeling impact on what his behavior, so their feeling plays a vital role in determining the whetherwhether(How's the whether (weather)?) citizens are maintaining an excellent order or not. By offering persona person(This rule identifies whether the article 'a' is missing in a sentence.) sometimes to be impolite to each other, they can have a way to let off all the negative feelings they have, which in turn will let them behave better. In addition, Bob highlights the importance of people's manner, howeveryhowever(misspelling) he fails to consider that it is impossible to always be polite to each other. In such cases, people do not have a way to release their feeling, which will in turn let them finally do terrible matters than be rude to each other. Therefore, let citizens sometimes be impolite eachto each(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) other can actually enhance a city's orderliness.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

While both Lily and Bob present valid points, I believe that there are circumstances in which individuals may have justifiable reasons to be impolite towards others, such as when provoked or faced with blatant disregard for social norms. It is crucial to acknowledge that a person's emotions significantly influence their behavior, thus playing a vital role in determining whether they maintain decorum or not. Allowing individuals occasional instances of impoliteness can provide an outlet for negative emotions, which may ultimately contribute to improved overall conduct.

Furthermore, while Bob emphasizes the significance of manners in fostering good social relations, he fails to recognize the impracticality of constant politeness. In situations where individuals lack an appropriate means to express their emotions, they may resort to actions far more detrimental than mere rudeness. Consequently, permitting occasional impoliteness could potentially enhance a community's overall harmony and orderliness. (148 words)

While both Lily and Bob present valid points, I believe that there is reasons for people to be impolite to the are [reasons -> circumstances in which individuals may have justifiable reasons] to be impolite towards others, such as someone when [someone makes you really angry and you have a proper reason to be impolite. impolite -> provoked or faced with blatant disregard for social norms]. It is important to remember [important -> crucial] to [remember that the a person's feeling impact on what his behavior, so their feeling plays a vital role in determining the whether citizens are maintaining an excellent order or not. not -> acknowledge that a person's emotions significantly influence their behavior, thus playing a vital role in determining whether they maintain decorum or not]. By offering [offering person sometimes to be impolite to each other, other -> allowing individuals occasional instances of impoliteness], they can have a way to let off all the negative feelings they have, which in turn will let them behave better.

In addition, Bob highlights the importance of people's manner, howevery [howevery -> however] he fails to consider that it is impossible to always be polite to each other. In such cases, people do not have a way to release their feeling, which will in turn let them finally do terrible matters than be rude to each other. Therefore, let citizens sometimes be impolite each other can actually enhance a city's orderliness.

[Revised essay: Display title: 6 Revised Essay]

Furthermore, while Bob emphasizes the significance of manners in fostering good social relations, he fails to recognize the impracticality of constant politeness. In situations where individuals lack an appropriate means to express their emotions, they may resort to actions far more detrimental than mere rudeness. Consequently, permitting occasional impoliteness could potentially enhance a community's overall harmony and orderliness.

Display title: 8 Mind Map

1. Introduction
   - Lily and Bob's points
   - Justifiable reasons for impoliteness

2. Emotions and behavior
   - Influence on decorum
   - Outlet for negative emotions

3. Impracticality of constant politeness
   - Inability to express emotions
   - Detrimental actions as alternative

4. Benefits of occasional impoliteness
   - Improved overall conduct
   - Enhanced community harmony and orderliness

5. Conclusion
   - Circumstances allowing impoliteness 

Display title: 9 Key Words

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

While both Lily and Bob present valid points, I believe that there are circumstances in which individuals may have justifiable reasons to be impolite towards others, such as when provoked or faced with blatant disregard for social norms. It is crucial to acknowledge that a person's emotions significantly influence their behavior, thus playing a vital role in determining whether they maintain decorum or not. Allowing individuals occasional instances of impoliteness can provide an outlet for negative emotions, which may ultimately contribute to improved overall conduct.

Furthermore, while Bob emphasizes the significance of manners in fostering good social relations, he fails to recognize the impracticality of constant politeness. In situations where individuals lack an appropriate means to express their emotions, they may resort to actions far more detrimental than mere rudeness. Consequently, permitting occasional impoliteness could potentially enhance a community's overall harmony and orderliness.