TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on tourism. Write a postresponding to the professor's question.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 20

3. Task completeness

The essay provides a personal opinion on the impact of books and television in today's society, addressing the question posed by Dr. Diaz. However, the essay could benefit from clearer elaboration on the reasons behind the chosen viewpoint, as well as providing more specific examples to support the argument. Additionally, some grammar errors and awkward phrasing detract from the overall clarity of the essay.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples to support your viewpoint.

• Elaborate on your reasons for choosing books over television.

• Revise grammar errors and awkward phrasing.

Examples:

1. "By offering books instead of televisions, people can ensure they spent their time more effectily..." could be revised to "By choosing to read books instead of watching television, people can ensure they spend their time more effectively..."
2. Consider adding a sentence like "For example, books such as '1984' by George Orwell have had a lasting impact on readers' understanding of totalitarianism and surveillance."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it lacks clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs. The organization could be improved by focusing each paragraph on a specific point with supporting details.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

• Focus each paragraph on a specific point with supporting details.

Examples:

1. Add a transition sentence like "On the other hand," before discussing Claire's viewpoint in contrast to Andrew's.
2. Organize your body paragraphs by first discussing one reason why you believe books have a stronger impact (e.g., depth of knowledge), then moving on to another reason (e.g., less distraction compared to television) in a separate paragraph.

5. Grammar

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that books, such as novels and non-fictions, isare(Detects potentially wrong usage of "is") exertexerted(Agreement: 'been' or 'was' + past tense) a stronger impact on individuals in today's society. It is important to remember that the theirthere(Detects potentially wrong usage of "their") are databases proving that books can better impact on a person's memory onas(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) to certain knowledgesknowledge(misspelling), and their memory plays a vital role in determining whether they spent their time valuable or not. By offering books instead of televisions, people can ensure they spent their time more effectilyeffective(misspelling), which in turn will let books impact more on them. Although Andrew highlights the importance of television's unique visual experience, he fails to consider the television can easily distract people. In such cases, access to television may not be sufficient tofor(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) reading books. Therefore, focusing on books like can prove to be a more effective and impact more to people.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that books, including novels and non-fiction works, exert a stronger impact on individuals in today's society. It is crucial to consider that there is evidence suggesting books have a more significant effect on a person's memory retention of knowledge, which plays a vital role in determining the value of their time spent. By engaging with books rather than television, individuals can ensure they utilize their time more effectively, allowing books to have a greater influence on them. Although Andrew emphasizes the importance of television's unique visual experience, he overlooks the potential for television to easily distract viewers. In such cases, access to television may not be as beneficial as reading books. Consequently, focusing on books can prove to be a more impactful and effective approach for people in contemporary society. (145 words)

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that books, such as including novels and non-fictions, is non-fiction works [revised for clarity and parallelism], exert a stronger impact on individuals in today's society. It is important crucial to remember consider that the their are databases proving that there is evidence [corrected grammar] suggesting books can better impact have a more significant effect on a person's memory on to certain knowledges, and their memory retention of knowledge [rephrased for clarity], which plays a vital role in determining whether they spent the value of their time valuable or not. spent. By offering engaging with books instead of televisions, people rather than television, individuals can ensure they spent utilize their time more effectily, which in turn will let effectively [rephrased for clarity], allowing books impact more to have a greater influence on them. Although Andrew highlights emphasizes the importance of television's unique visual experience, he fails overlooks the potential for television to consider the television can easily distract people. viewers [rephrased for clarity]. In such cases, access to television may not be sufficient to as beneficial as reading books. Therefore, Consequently, focusing on books like can prove to be a more impactful and effective and impact more to people.approach for people in contemporary society [rephrased for clarity].

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Andrew's argument: television
   • Claire's argument: books
   • Thesis: books have a stronger impact

2. Memory retention

   • Evidence supporting books
   • Importance of knowledge retention

3. Time effectiveness

   • Engaging with books vs. television
   • Utilizing time wisely

4. Television's visual experience

   • Andrew's emphasis on visuals
   • Distraction potential

5. Books vs. television distractions

   • Less distraction in reading books
   • More focus on content

6. Impact on individuals in contemporary society

   • Books as a more effective approach
   • Greater influence on people

7. Conclusion

   • Reiterate thesis: books have a stronger impact than television

9 Key Words