TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on tourism. Write a postresponding to the professor's question.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 26 (out of 30)

3. Task Completeness

The essay does a good job addressing the specific requirements of the task, expressing a personal opinion, and contributing to the discussion in their own words. However, there is room for improvement in elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples or details to support the argument.

Example 1: Instead of just mentioning that city governments can ensure they did their best in building a place for traveling, provide concrete examples of how they can improve the appearance (e.g., renovating historical sites, creating public parks, or organizing cultural events).

Example 2: Discuss potential drawbacks of focusing solely on security measures rather than improving the city's appearance, such as creating an unwelcoming atmosphere for tourists or diverting resources from other important projects.

4. Essay Structure and Organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. The organization is logical with each paragraph focusing on a specific point and supporting details. However, transitions between ideas could be improved to create a smoother flow throughout the essay.

Example 1: Incorporate transitional phrases such as "on the other hand," "moreover," or "in contrast" to guide readers through your argument more effectively.

Example 2: Consider reorganizing your paragraphs so that you first present both Amy's and Benjamin's viewpoints briefly before delving into your own opinion. This would help establish context for your argument while also providing clearer connections between ideas presented in the discussion board conversation and your response.

5. Grammar

While both Amy and Benjamin present valid points, I believe that improving a city's appearance, such as cleaning the grounds and planting more plants, is the most effective way for a city to attract potential visitors. It is important to remember that the appearance of a city impact on visitors' feeling, and their feeling plays a vital role in determining the whetherwhether(How's the whether (weather)?) the city attracts visitors or not. By offering attractive environments, city governments can ensure that they did their best in building a place for traveling, which in turn will attract the maximum potential visitors. In addition, Benjamin highlights the importance of improving security needs to spent manpower and time, and on top of that, in nowadaysnowadays(Wrong phrase: 'in nowadays' (nowadays)) almost every city has a well-developed security system. In such cases, wasting that much time may not be sufficient to attract potential visitors. Therefore, focusing improving the appearance of the city prove to be a more effective way in attracting potential visitors while the secondary is a waste of time.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In considering the perspectives of both Amy and Benjamin, I concur that enhancing a city's appearance, such as maintaining cleanliness and incorporating more greenery, is the most effective approach to entice potential tourists. It is crucial to acknowledge that a city's aesthetic appeal significantly influences visitors' impressions, which in turn plays a pivotal role in determining its attractiveness as a destination. By cultivating visually appealing environments, city governments can ensure they have made optimal efforts in creating an inviting space for tourism, subsequently drawing in the maximum number of potential visitors. Furthermore, Benjamin underscores the resource-intensive nature of bolstering security measures, which may not be necessary given that most cities already possess well-developed security systems. Consequently, concentrating on improving a city's appearance proves to be a more efficient strategy for attracting tourists, while allocating excessive resources to security enhancements may be an unproductive use of time and effort. (153 words)

While In considering the perspectives of both Amy and Benjamin present valid points, Benjamin, I believe concur (revised for clarity and formality) that improving enhancing a city's appearance, such as cleaning the grounds and planting maintaining cleanliness (rephrased for better flow) and incorporating more plants, greenery (rephrased for clarity), is the most effective way for a city to attract approach to entice potential visitors. tourists. It is important to remember crucial to acknowledge that the appearance of a city impact on a city's aesthetic appeal significantly influences (rephrased for better flow) visitors' feeling, and their feeling impressions, which in turn plays a vital pivotal role (revised for emphasis) in determining the whether the city attracts visitors or not. its attractiveness as a destination. By offering attractive cultivating visually appealing environments, city governments can ensure that they did their best in building a place for traveling, which in turn will attract have made optimal efforts (rephrased for clarity) in creating an inviting space for tourism, subsequently drawing in the maximum number of potential visitors. In addition, Furthermore, Benjamin highlights the importance of improving underscores the resource-intensive nature (rephrased for clarity) of bolstering security needs to spent manpower and time, and on top of that, in nowadays almost every city has a well-developed security system. In such cases, wasting that much time measures, which may not be sufficient to attract potential visitors. Therefore, focusing necessary given that most cities already possess well-developed security systems. Consequently, concentrating on improving the a city's appearance of the city prove proves to be a more effective way in efficient strategy (rephrased for emphasis) for attracting potential visitors tourists, while the secondary is a waste of time.allocating excessive resources to security enhancements may be an unproductive use of time and effort (rephrased to avoid repetition).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Agree with Amy and Benjamin
   • Enhancing city appearance to attract tourists

2. Aesthetic appeal

   • Influences visitors' impressions
   • Determines attractiveness as a destination

3. Greenery and cleanliness

   • Visually appealing environments
   • Inviting space for tourism

4. Security measures

   • Resource-intensive nature
   • Most cities already have well-developed systems

5. Efficiency in strategy

   • Focus on appearance improvements
   • Avoid excessive resources on security enhancements

6. Conclusion

   • City appearance as the most effective approach

Display title: 9 Key Words

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In considering the perspectives of both Amy and Benjamin, I concur that enhancing a city's appearance, such as maintaining cleanliness and incorporating more greenery, is the most effective approach to entice potential tourists. It is crucial to acknowledge that a city's aesthetic appeal significantly influences visitors' impressions, which in turn plays a pivotal role in determining its attractiveness as a destination. By cultivating visually appealing environments, city governments can ensure they have made optimal efforts in creating an inviting space for tourism, subsequently drawing in the maximum number of potential visitors. Furthermore, Benjamin underscores the resource-intensive nature of bolstering security measures, which may not be necessary given that most cities already possess well-developed security systems. Consequently, concentrating on improving a city's appearance proves to be a more efficient strategy for attracting tourists, while allocating excessive resources to security enhancements may be an unproductive use of time and effort.