TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on business. Write a postresponding to the professor's question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.5

2. 预估分数

28. 3 任务完成度

整体来说，你的文章完成度较高，观点明确且有所支持。但在阐述观点时，可以加入更多具体的例子和细节来增强说服力。此外，在语言使用和语法方面，尽管没有明显错误，但可以进一步提高词汇和句式的多样性。

示例1：为了增强论据，你可以在提到电子货币安全性时举一个实际案例，如某银行通过多重安全验证保护客户资金。

示例2：在语言使用上，可以尝试使用更多不同类型的句子结构和连接词，如：“虽然电子货币在许多方面具有优势，但我们也不能忽视纸币在某些情况下的必要性。”

4. 文章结构与组织

你的文章结构清晰，包括引言、正文和结论。每段都集中讨论一个特定观点并提供支持细节。然而，在段落之间加入更明确的过渡词或短语将使文章更连贯。

建议1：在引言部分，可以简要介绍两位同学的观点，以便为自己的观点铺垫。

建议2：在正文段落之间加入过渡词，如：“尽管电子货币具有许多优势，但我们也应考虑到纸币在某些情况下的重要性。”这样可以使文章更连贯。

5. 语法批改

From my perspective, I tend to support Charlie's opinion that electronic currency should take over the market. Apart from his reasons, another reason I want to add is that using e-money is much safer than cash in people's lives. In other words, their money is kept in online accounts, which means robbers can notcannot rob on the street easily. Moreover, people need to enter passwords and other personal identifications during trading,transactions, which makes it hard for them to steal from others. For instance, if someone wants to check out with their cards, they need to enter their private PINPINs to finish thatthe deal, during which only they know the passwords. All in all, e-money should replace cash eventually.

Section Title: 6 文章修订

Revised Essay: In my opinion, I concur with Charlie's stance that electronic currency should eventually dominate the market. Besides the reasons he mentioned, another crucial factor to consider is the enhanced security provided by e-money in people's daily lives. Specifically, funds are stored in online accounts, significantly reducing the risk of theft or robbery on the streets. Furthermore, transactions require passwords and personal identification, adding an extra layer of protection against unauthorized access. For example, when completing a purchase with a card, individuals must enter their private PIN – information known only to them. Ultimately, electronic currency should replace cash as the primary means of conducting transactions. (111 words)

From In my perspective, opinion, I tend to support Charlie’s opinion concur with Charlie's stance (revised for a more natural tone) that electronic currency should take over eventually dominate the market. Apart from his reasons, market (rephrased for clarity). Besides the reasons he mentioned, another reason I want crucial factor to add consider (added for emphasis) is that using the enhanced security provided by e-money is much safer than cash in people’s lives. In other words, their money is kept people's daily lives (rephrased for a more natural tone). Specifically, funds are stored in online accounts, which means robbers can not rob significantly reducing the risk of theft or robbery on the street easily. Moreover, people need to enter streets (revised for clarity and emphasis). Furthermore, transactions require passwords and other personal identifications during trading, which makes it hard identification, adding an extra layer of protection against unauthorized access (rephrased for them to steal from others. a more natural tone). For instance, if someone wants to check out example, when completing a purchase with their cards, they need to a card, individuals must enter their private PIN – information known only to finish that deal, during which only they know the passwords. All in all, e-money them (revised for clarity). Ultimately, electronic currency should replace cash eventually.as the primary means of conducting transactions (rephrased for a more natural tone).

8 思维导图

1. 电子货币市场
   1.1. 增强安全性
       1.1.1. 在线账户存储资金
       1.1.2. 减少盗窃和抢劫风险
   1.2. 密码和个人身份验证
       1.2.1. 防止未经授权的访问
       1.2.2. 使用私人PIN完成购买
   1.3 结论：电子货币应取代现金成为主要交易方式

9 关键词