TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on sociology. Write a post responding to the professor’s question. In your response you should: express and support your opinion make a contribution to the discussion An effective response will contain at least 100 words. You will have 10 minutes to write it.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

根据托福iBT写作任务的评分标准，你的文章在任务完成度方面表现尚可。你回答了教授的问题，并表达了自己的观点。然而，你可以进一步改进以下方面：

1. 更具体地支持你的观点，提供更多详细的例子。

2. 注意语法错误和词汇使用。

改进建议示例：

1. 在谈论电视对眼睛不好时，可以提供一些研究或数据来支持这一观点。

2. 避免使用非正式用语，如“fat guy”。

4. 文章结构与组织

从组织结构方面看，你的文章结构清晰，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在逻辑组织和段落之间的过渡方面还有待改进。根据托福iBT写作任务1评分标准，以下是改进建议：

1. 在每个段落中明确提出一个主要观点，并用详细信息进行支持。

2. 使用过渡词或短语来连接不同观点和段落。

改进建议示例：

1. 在第一个论点中，可以这样写：“首先，长时间观看电视对我们的眼睛有害。根据一项研究，长时间盯着电视屏幕会导致视力下降。”

2. 在连接不同观点时，可以使用过渡词，如：“此外”，“然而”等。例如：“此外，正如Kelly所说，长时间看电视容易导致体重增加。”

5. 语法批改

Paul states that the main effect made by televisiontelevision,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) which is to broaden people’s experience. Well, iI(i vs. I) don’t agree with him. However, iI(i vs. I) personally think that the television is not good for people’s health. There may have common between my opinion and Kelly’s opinion. First, watching television is not good for our eyes.The The(Missing space between sentences) television program has a kind of strange attraction for all of us.If If(Missing space between sentences) you open the TV and keep watching it,you, you(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) will not stop to do other things.As As(Missing space between sentences) the electric productsproducts,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) the screen is bad for our eyes to focus on it for a long time.So So(Missing space between sentences) it is not good for our eyesight. Second,As, As(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) Kelly said,It, It(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) is a good way for us to get weight.The The(Missing space between sentences) problem is that losing weight is so hard.So So(Missing space between sentences) if you don’t want to be a fat guy, just stay away from the televisontelevision(misspelling).The The(Missing space between sentences) television is not only bad for our eyes,but, but(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) also for our health.My My(Missing space between sentences) friend’s baby is so young,but, but(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) his parents are busy working.Thy Thy(Missing space between sentences) can’t stay with the little baby.The The(Missing space between sentences) only way to stop him crying is to make him watch TV.While While(Missing space between sentences) the baby at a very young age,He, He(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) is not healthy with bad eyesight. Hence, in my opinion, TV is not good for us, and we need to go outside to have a better experience.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

Paul asserts that television's primary effect is to broaden people's experiences. While I understand his perspective, I respectfully disagree. In my opinion, television can have detrimental effects on people's health, which aligns more closely with Kelly's viewpoint.

Firstly, watching television can be harmful to our eyes. Television programs possess a peculiar allure that often prevents us from engaging in other activities. As electronic devices, screens can strain our eyes when we focus on them for extended periods, potentially damaging our eyesight.

Secondly, as Kelly mentioned, excessive television watching can contribute to weight gain. The sedentary nature of this activity makes it difficult for individuals to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Losing weight is challenging; therefore, it is crucial to avoid habits that promote weight gain, such as spending excessive time in front of the TV. Moreover, television can negatively impact not only our eyes but also our overall health. For instance, my friend's baby has poor eyesight due to excessive TV exposure at a young age because his busy parents relied on it as a means of keeping him occupied.

Consequently, I believe that television is not beneficial for us and that we should seek alternative ways to broaden our experiences by venturing outdoors and engaging in more stimulating activities. (214 words)

Paul states that the main asserts that television's primary effect made by television is to broaden people's experiences (I rephrased the sentence to make it clearer and more concise). While I understand his perspective, I respectfully disagree (I added "respectfully" to show politeness). In my opinion, television can have detrimental effects on people's health, which aligns more closely with Kelly's viewpoint (I rephrased the sentence to improve clarity and flow).

Firstly, watching television can be harmful to our eyes (I changed "is not good" to "can be harmful" for a stronger impact). Television programs possess a peculiar allure (I replaced "strange attraction" with "peculiar allure" for better word choice) that often prevents us from engaging in other activities. As electronic devices, screens can strain our eyes when we focus on them for extended periods, potentially damaging our eyesight (I rephrased the sentence for better flow and clarity).

Secondly, as Kelly mentioned, excessive television watching can contribute to weight gain (I rephrased the sentence for better flow and clarity). The sedentary nature of this activity makes it difficult for individuals to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Losing weight is to broaden people’s experience. Well, i don’t agree with him. However, i personally think that the challenging; therefore, it is crucial to avoid habits that promote weight gain, such as spending excessive time in front of the TV (I rephrased the sentence for better flow and clarity). Moreover, television can negatively impact not only our eyes but also our overall health (I improved the sentence structure for better flow). For instance, my friend's baby has poor eyesight due to excessive TV exposure at a young age because his busy parents relied on it as a means of keeping him occupied (I rephrased the sentence for better clarity and flow).

Consequently, I believe that television is not good for people’s health. There may have common between my opinion and Kelly’s opinion. ¶ First, watching television is not good for our eyes.The television program has a kind of strange attraction for all of us.If you open the TV and keep watching it,you will not stop to do other things.As the electric products the screen is bad for our eyes to focus on it for a long time.So it is not good for our eyesight. ¶ Second,As Kelly said,It is a good way beneficial for us to get weight.The problem is that losing weight is so hard.So if you don’t want to be a fat guy, just stay away from the televison.The television is not only bad for our eyes,but also for our health.My friend’s baby is so young,but his parents are busy working.Thy can’t stay with the little baby.The only way to stop him crying is to make him watch TV.While the baby at a very young age,He is not healthy with bad eyesight. ¶ Hence, and that we should seek alternative ways to broaden our experiences by venturing outdoors and engaging in my opinion, TV is not good for us, and we need to go outside to have a better experience.more stimulating activities (I rephrased the sentence for better flow and clarity).

8 思维导图

- Detrimental Effects of Television
  - Harmful to eyes
    - Prolonged screen exposure
    - Potential damage to eyesight
  - Weight gain
    - Sedentary nature of watching TV
    - Difficulty in maintaining a healthy lifestyle
  - Negative impact on overall health
    - Example: Baby with poor eyesight due to excessive TV exposure

- Alternative ways to broaden experiences
  - Venturing outdoors
  - Engaging in stimulating activities

9 关键词

1.Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2.Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 28

3.Task completeness

The essay addresses the specific requirements of the task by expressing an opinion and making a contribution to the discussion. However, there is room for improvement in elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples or evidence to support the argument. To enhance your response, consider incorporating more detailed explanations or real-life examples that demonstrate how television affects people's ability to learn.

Example 1: Instead of just stating that television may deprive viewers of their ability to focus on learning materials, provide a study or research findings that support this claim.

Example 2: Share a personal experience or anecdote about how watching television has affected your own learning process or that of someone you know.

4.Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could benefit from better organization within the body paragraphs and clearer transitions between ideas. To improve the organization, consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the main point, followed by supporting details.

Example 1: Rewrite the first sentence of your second paragraph as a topic sentence: "While television does offer a wealth of information, it can also negatively impact people's ability to learn material requiring personal effort."

Example 2: Improve transitions between ideas by using phrases like "Furthermore," "In addition," or "On the other hand" to guide readers through your argument smoothly.

5. Grammar

I would like to state that watching television can negatively affect people's ability to learn materials that require much personal effort. I agree with Paul that television does open a window for a larger range of information one might not be able to obtain without its existence. However, people might become accustomed to being fed a lot of information without being required to put too much of their own effort. This may deprive viewer's ability to focus on learning materials that may require some more effort to comprehend. This would be bad if we would like to promote life-long learninglearning,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) as the materials shall become more intellectually challenging in later stage of life. If one loses the ability to focus and comprehend difficult information, it is unlikely that one would learn continuously.

6.Revised Essay

I contend that watching television can adversely impact people's ability to learn materials necessitating personal effort. While television does offer a wealth of information, it can also negatively affect viewers' capacity to focus on more challenging content. Furthermore, as individuals become accustomed to being passively fed information, their motivation to actively engage in learning may decline.

This phenomenon is particularly concerning in the context of promoting lifelong learning, as materials tend to become more intellectually demanding as one progresses through life stages. If an individual loses the ability to concentrate and comprehend complex information, it becomes increasingly unlikely that they will continue learning throughout their lifetime. To support this argument, future research could investigate the correlation between television consumption and learning outcomes or provide anecdotal evidence from personal experiences demonstrating the impact of television on one's learning process. (140 words)

7.Essay Grading

I would like to state contend that watching television can adversely impact people's ability to learn materials necessitating personal effort. (The phrase "adversely impact" is used to emphasize the negative effect, and "necessitating personal effort" is more formal and precise than "requiring much personal effort.") While television does offer a wealth of information, it can also negatively affect people's ability to learn materials that require much personal effort. I agree with Paul that television does open a window for a larger range of information one might not be able to obtain without its existence. However, people might become accustomed to being fed a lot of information without being required to put too much of their own effort. This may deprive viewer's ability viewers' capacity to focus on learning more challenging content. (The term "challenging content" replaces "learning materials that may require some more effort to comprehend. comprehend" for conciseness and clarity.) Furthermore, as individuals become accustomed to being passively fed information, their motivation to actively engage in learning may decline. (The sentence structure has been revised for better flow and coherence.)

This would be bad if we would like to promote life-long learning phenomenon is particularly concerning in the context of promoting lifelong learning, as the materials shall tend to become more intellectually challenging in later stage of life. demanding as one progresses through life stages. (The phrase "intellectually demanding" is used instead of "intellectually challenging" for variety.) If one an individual loses the ability to focus concentrate and comprehend difficult complex information, it is becomes increasingly unlikely that one would learn continuously.they will continue learning throughout their lifetime. (The sentence has been rephrased for clarity and coherence.) To support this argument, future research could investigate the correlation between television consumption and learning outcomes or provide anecdotal evidence from personal experiences demonstrating the impact of television on one's learning process. (This sentence has been added to suggest ways of supporting the argument with evidence or examples.)

8.Mind Map

- Introduction
  - Television's impact on learning

- Body
  - Wealth of information from television
  - Negative effects on focus and challenging content
  - Passive consumption vs. active engagement in learning
  - Lifelong learning and intellectual demands

- Conclusion (omitted)
  - Supporting evidence: research or anecdotal experiences

9.Key Words