TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on society. Write a post responding to the professor's question. ln your response you should: express and support your personal opinion; make a contribution to the discussion. An effective response will contain at least 100 words.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

整体而言，你的文章回答了教授的问题，并提供了一定程度的论据支持。但是，有一些方面需要改进。首先，在表达观点时，需要更清晰地阐述自己的立场。其次，举例子时要确保与论点相关，并能有效支持观点。最后，在语法和词汇使用方面也有待提高。

改进建议：

1. 在表达观点时，更清晰地阐述自己的立场。

2. 使用更相关、具体的例子来支持观点。

3. 注意语法和词汇使用。

示例：

1. "While I see Jisu's point that athletes' high incomes are partly reasonable, I agree more with Laura's perspective that athletes deserve their high earnings."

2. "For example, a famous basketball player like LeBron James not only brings in revenue for his team through ticket sales and merchandise but also inspires millions of fans around the world."

4. 文章结构与组织

你的文章结构基本合理，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在段落组织和过渡方面还有待加强。建议在每个段落中明确主题句，并使用恰当的过渡词汇连接不同的观点和段落。

改进建议：

1. 在每个段落开头明确主题句。

2. 使用过渡词汇连接不同的观点和段落。

示例：

1. "Firstly, famous athletes have a significant economic impact on society."

2. "In addition to Jisu's argument, I believe that the high costs associated with athletes' training and daily expenses justify their high salaries."

5. 语法批改

While I see the Jisu’s point that athletes earns a high-incomes is partly reasonable, I agree with Laura’s perspective that athletes deserve their high earning. As mentioned by Laura, famous athletes isare(Detects potentially wrong usage of "is") very popular in the world so, so(comma between independent clauses) they have a huge economic effect. For example, Zhangjike，famous[No Replacement Word Found](misspelling) ping-pong athletes, has achieved several international ping-pong contests, when he postposts(Agreement error: Non-third person/past tense verb with 'he/she/it' or a pronoun) his favorite sports equipment, like shoes or clothes, in the interneton the internet(Collocation: in/on the Internet). His fans will fill the brand store to buy similar products which can bring the company a large amount of money; however, if athletes reject to help promotingto promote('advise', 'help' and 'remind' used with gerund instead of infinitive) some tiny sports company which will disappear (Two consecutive spaces)in the market. Apart from what mentioned by Jesus, I add that with huge costs used for their daily life’s expense, athletes derisive this high salary jobs. For instance, cultivating a excellent athletesa excellent athlete(Agreement: 'a' + plural word) have cost roughly millions RMB which means it is heavy finical burden for their families; conversely, if athletes can not earn high salary, they might discontinue to achieve their dreams. Therefor, high salary, undoubtedly, should be assigned for athletes.

Title: 6 文章修订

While I understand Jisu's argument that athletes' high incomes are partly justified, I concur with Laura's view that professional athletes deserve their substantial earnings. As Laura pointed out, renowned athletes have a significant global impact and can generate considerable economic benefits. For instance, Zhang Jike, a famous table tennis player who has won numerous international competitions, can influence his fans' purchasing decisions by promoting his favorite sports equipment online. This can lead to increased sales for the companies involved; however, if athletes refuse to endorse smaller sports brands, these companies may struggle to survive in the market.

In addition to Jisu's points, I believe that the substantial expenses associated with an athlete's career justify their high salaries. For example, developing an exceptional athlete can cost millions of RMB, placing a heavy financial burden on their families. If athletes cannot earn high salaries, they may be forced to abandon their dreams and aspirations. Therefore, it is only fair that professional athletes receive generous compensation for their dedication and hard work. (172 words)

While I see the Jisu’s point that athletes earns a high-incomes is understand Jisu's argument (clarified the subject's name for consistency) that athletes' high incomes are partly reasonable, justified, I agree concur with Laura’s perspective that Laura's view (used "view" instead of "perspective" for variety) that professional athletes deserve their high earning. substantial earnings (rephrased to maintain a natural tone). As mentioned Laura pointed out, renowned athletes have a significant global impact and can generate considerable economic benefits. For instance, Zhang Jike, a famous table tennis player (clarified the sport for better understanding) who has won numerous international competitions, can influence his fans' purchasing decisions by Laura, famous athletes is very popular in the world so they have a huge economic effect. For example, Zhangjike，famous ping-pong athletes, has achieved several international ping-pong contests, when he post promoting his favorite sports equipment, like shoes or clothes, in the internet. His fans will fill the brand store to buy similar products which can bring the company a large amount of money; equipment online. This can lead to increased sales for the companies involved; however, if athletes reject to help promoting some tiny refuse to endorse smaller sports company which will disappear brands, these companies may struggle to survive in the market.

Apart from what mentioned by Jesus, In addition to Jisu's points, I add that believe that the substantial expenses associated with huge costs an athlete's career justify their high salaries (rephrased for clarity and natural tone). For example, developing an exceptional athlete can cost millions of RMB, placing a heavy financial burden on their families. If athletes cannot earn high salaries, they may be forced to abandon their dreams and aspirations (used for their daily life’s expense, athletes derisive this high salary jobs. For instance, cultivating a excellent athletes have cost roughly millions RMB which means "dreams and aspirations" instead of just "dreams" for emphasis). Therefore, it is heavy finical burden for their families; conversely, if athletes can not earn high salary, they might discontinue to achieve their dreams. Therefor, high salary, undoubtedly, should be assigned for athletes.only fair that professional athletes receive generous compensation for their dedication and hard work (rephrased to maintain a natural tone).

8 思维导图

- Title: Professional Athletes' High Incomes
  - Laura's View: Deserve substantial earnings
    - Global impact
    - Economic benefits
      - Example: Zhang Jike, table tennis player
        - Influencing fans' purchasing decisions
        - Increased sales for endorsed companies
  - Jisu's Argument: Partly justified incomes
    - Expenses associated with an athlete's career
      - Example: Developing an exceptional athlete costs millions of RMB
        - Financial burden on families
        - Potential to abandon dreams and aspirations without high salaries

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

• 25

3. 任务完成度

虽然你的文章在一定程度上回答了问题，但还有改进的空间。首先，你需要更清楚地表达自己的观点，并确保你的论据与讨论主题紧密相关。此外，尝试使用更多具体的例子来支持你的观点。最后，在语法和词汇方面也需要注意一些错误。

示例1： 原文：As mentioned by Laura, famous athletes is very popular in the world so they have a huge economic effect. 修改：As mentioned by Laura, famous athletes are very popular worldwide, which leads to a significant economic impact.

示例2： 原文：Apart from what mentioned by Jesus, I add that with huge costs used for their daily life’s expense, athletes derisive this high salary jobs. 修改：In addition to what Jisu mentioned, I would like to add that due to the high costs associated with their daily expenses, athletes deserve their high salaries.

4. 文章结构与组织

在文章结构和组织方面，你需要确保每个段落都有明确的主题，并在段落中提供支持细节。同时，使用恰当的过渡词和短语来连接不同段落中的想法。

建议1： 将第一个段落分为两个段落，一个段落阐述你的观点，另一个段落提供支持细节。

建议2： 在不同段落之间使用过渡词，如“however”，“in addition”，“on the other hand”等，以使文章更连贯。

示例1： 原文：While I see the Jisu’s point that athletes earns a high-incomes is partly reasonable, I agree with Laura’s perspective that athletes deserve their high earning. 修改：While I understand Jisu's point that athletes earning high incomes is partly reasonable, I agree with Laura's perspective that athletes deserve their high earnings. There are several reasons for this.

示例2： 原文：For example, Zhangjike，famous ping-pong athletes, has achieved several international ping-pong contests, when he post his favorite sports equipment, like shoes or clothes, in the internet. 修改：For instance, Zhang Jike, a famous table tennis athlete who has won numerous international competitions, can greatly influence his fans' purchasing decisions when he posts about his favorite sports equipment online.

5. 语法批改

While I see the Jisu’s point that athletes earns a high-incomes is partly reasonable, I agree with Laura’s perspective that athletes deserve their high earning. As mentioned by Laura, famous athletes is very popular in the world so, so(comma between independent clauses) they have a huge economic effect. For example, Zhangjike，famous[No Replacement Word Found](misspelling) ping-pong athletes, has achieved several international ping-pong contests, when he postposts(Agreement error: Non-third person/past tense verb with 'he/she/it' or a pronoun) his favorite sports equipment, like shoes or clothes, in the interneton the internet(Collocation: in/on the Internet). His fans will fill the brand store to buy similar products which can bring the company a large amount of money; however, if athletes reject to help promotingto promote('advise', 'help' and 'remind' used with gerund instead of infinitive) some tiny sports company which will disappear (Two consecutive spaces)in the market. Apart from what mentioned by Jesus, I add that with huge costs used for their daily life’s expense, athletes derisive this high salary jobs. For instance, cultivating a excellent athletesa excellent athlete(Agreement: 'a' + plural word) have cost roughly millions RMB which means it is heavy finical burden for their families; conversely, if athletes can not earn high salary, they might discontinue to achieve their dreams. Therefore, high salary, undoubtedly, should be assigned for athletes.

Title: 6 文章修订

While I understand Jisu's argument that athletes' high incomes are partly justified, I concur with Laura's view that professional athletes deserve their substantial earnings. As Laura mentioned, renowned athletes have a significant global impact due to their popularity. For instance, Zhang Jike, a famous table tennis player who has won numerous international competitions, can influence consumer behavior by promoting his preferred sports equipment online. His fans flock to stores to purchase similar products, generating substantial revenue for the companies involved. Conversely, if athletes refuse to endorse smaller sports companies, these businesses may struggle to survive in the market.

In addition to Jisu's points, I would like to emphasize that the considerable expenses associated with an athlete's career justify their high salaries. For example, nurturing a top-tier athlete can cost millions of RMB, placing a heavy financial burden on their families. If athletes cannot earn high salaries, they may be forced to abandon their dreams and aspirations. Consequently, it is essential for professional athletes to receive substantial compensation for their dedication and sacrifices made in pursuit of excellence in their respective fields. (184 words)

While I see the Jisu’s point understand Jisu's argument (changed "see the Jisu's point" to "understand Jisu's argument" for clarity and natural tone) that athletes earns a high-incomes is athletes' high incomes are partly reasonable, justified, I agree with Laura’s perspective concur with Laura's view (changed "agree with Laura's perspective" to "concur with Laura's view" for better word choice) that professional athletes deserve their high earning. substantial earnings. As Laura mentioned, renowned athletes have a significant global impact due to their popularity. For instance, Zhang Jike, a famous table tennis player (changed "famous ping-pong athletes" to "famous table tennis player" for accurate terminology) who has won numerous international competitions, can influence consumer behavior by promoting his preferred sports equipment online (rephrased for clarity). His fans flock to stores to purchase similar products, generating substantial revenue for the companies involved. Conversely, if athletes refuse to endorse smaller sports companies, these businesses may struggle to survive in the market.

In addition to Jisu's points (changed "what mentioned by Laura, famous athletes is very popular in the world so they have a huge economic effect. Jesus" to "Jisu's points" for clarity), I would like to emphasize that the considerable expenses associated with an athlete's career justify their high salaries (rephrased for better word choice and clarity). For example, Zhangjike，famous ping-pong athletes, has achieved several international ping-pong contests, when he post his favorite sports equipment, like shoes or clothes, in the internet. His fans will fill the brand store to buy similar products which nurturing a top-tier athlete can bring the company a large amount cost millions of money; however, if athletes reject to help promoting some tiny sports company which will disappear in the market. ¶ Apart from what mentioned by Jesus, I add that with huge costs used for their daily life’s expense, athletes derisive this RMB, placing a heavy financial burden on their families. If athletes cannot earn high salary jobs. For instance, cultivating a excellent athletes have cost roughly millions RMB which means salaries, they may be forced to abandon their dreams and aspirations (changed "discontinue to achieve their dreams" to "abandon their dreams and aspirations" for better word choice). Consequently, it is heavy finical burden for their families; conversely, if athletes can not earn high salary, they might discontinue to achieve their dreams. Therefore, high salary, undoubtedly, should be assigned for athletes.essential for professional athletes to receive substantial compensation (changed "high salary" to "substantial compensation") for their dedication and sacrifices made in pursuit of excellence in their respective fields (rephrased for clarity and natural tone).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Jisu's argument
   - Laura's view

2. Global impact of renowned athletes
   - Example: Zhang Jike
   - Influence on consumer behavior

3. Endorsements and sports companies
   - Smaller companies' struggles

4. Expenses associated with athletes' careers
   - Example: nurturing a top-tier athlete
   - Financial burden on families

5. High salaries as essential compensation
   - Dedication and sacrifices made by athletes

6. Conclusion 
   - Importance of substantial earnings for professional athletes 

Title: 9 关键词