TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on marketing. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 27

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of addressing the task requirements by expressing a personal opinion and contributing to the discussion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples or details to support the argument.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more concrete examples of how targeted advertising benefits both consumers and businesses.

• Discuss potential drawbacks or concerns related to targeted advertising, such as data privacy issues, and how they can be mitigated.

Examples:

1. "For instance, targeted advertising allows small businesses with limited budgets to reach their niche audience more effectively, resulting in better sales performance."
2. "While there are concerns about data privacy, companies can implement strict data protection policies and inform users about their rights regarding personal information usage."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, it could benefit from better organization within the body paragraphs and clearer transitions between ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the main point.

• Improve transitions between ideas by using appropriate linking words or phrases.

Examples:

1. "Firstly, it is important to consider that targeted advertising allows for greater efficiency in reaching potential customers."
2. "On the other hand, some may argue that targeted advertising can lead to privacy concerns; however, there are ways to address these issues."

5. Grammar

I agree with Mike's idea that we can just opt-out of targeted advertising if we're worried about it. On top of that, I frimlyfirmly believe that targettargeted advertising isn't an ethical problem, as it provides people with proper and understamdableunderstandable guidance to avoid data privacy issues. To elaborate, it is extremely easy to protect our personal data nowadays since Internet browsers are very user-friendly. Even people who are inexperienced with technology can find the right settings and adjust them. Furthermore, society is more diverse than before, so it is almost impossible to create a message that everyone finds attractive. Small companies without large advertising and research budgets might go out of business if they are prevented from using cheap and effective target advertising. Still, Jessica raises a relevant point that companies should create advertisements that appeal to a broad audience. Ironically, she didn't mention how difficult it is to make advertisements like that.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I concur with Mike's perspective that users can simply opt-out of targeted advertising if they have concerns about privacy. Moreover, I firmly believe that targeted advertising does not pose an ethical dilemma, as it offers individuals appropriate and comprehensible guidance to circumvent data privacy issues.

To elaborate, protecting personal data has become increasingly accessible in today's digital age, as internet browsers are designed to be user-friendly. Even those who lack technological expertise can easily locate and adjust the necessary settings. Additionally, contemporary society is more diverse than ever before, making it nearly impossible to craft a message that appeals universally. Small businesses with limited advertising and research budgets may struggle to survive if they are barred from utilizing cost-effective targeted advertising methods.

While Jessica raises a valid point about the importance of creating advertisements that cater to a broad audience, she fails to acknowledge the inherent challenges associated with producing such content. (157 words)

Revised essay: Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I concur (agree with Mike’s idea that we changed to concur for a more formal tone) with Mike's perspective that users can just simply opt-out of targeted advertising if we’re worried they have concerns about it. On top of that, privacy. Moreover, I firmly (frimly corrected to firmly) believe that target advertising isn’t targeted advertising does not pose an ethical problem, dilemma, as it provides people with proper offers individuals appropriate and comprehensible (understamdable corrected to comprehensible) guidance to avoid circumvent data privacy issues.

To elaborate, it is protecting personal data has become increasingly accessible (extremely easy to protect our personal data nowadays since Internet changed to increasingly accessible for a more precise description) in today's digital age, as internet browsers are very designed to be user-friendly. Even people those who are lack technological expertise (inexperienced with technology changed to lack technological expertise for clearer expression) can find the right settings easily locate and adjust them. Furthermore, the necessary settings. Additionally, contemporary society (society changed to contemporary society for better context) is more diverse than ever before, so making it is almost nearly impossible to create craft a message that everyone finds attractive. appeals universally. Small companies without large businesses with limited advertising and research budgets might go out of business may struggle to survive if they are prevented barred from using cheap and effective target advertising. utilizing cost-effective targeted advertising methods.

Still, While Jessica raises a valid point (relevant point that companies should create changed to valid point for better clarity) about the importance of creating advertisements that appeal cater to a broad audience. Ironically, audience, she didn’t mention how difficult it is to make advertisements like that.fails to acknowledge the inherent challenges associated with producing such content.

Display title: 8 Mind Map

1. Introduction
   - Mike's perspective
   - No ethical dilemma

2. Protecting personal data
   - Accessible tools
   - User-friendly browsers

3. Diversity in society
   - Difficult to appeal universally

4. Small businesses
   - Limited budgets
   - Need for targeted advertising

5. Jessica's point of view
   - Broad audience catering importance

6. Challenges in broad content creation

7. Conclusion 

Display title: 9 Key Words

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I concur with Mike's perspective that users can simply opt-out of targeted advertising if they have concerns about privacy. Moreover, I firmly believe that targeted advertising does not pose an ethical dilemma, as it offers individuals appropriate and comprehensible guidance to circumvent data privacy issues.

To elaborate, protecting personal data has become increasingly accessible in today's digital age, as internet browsers are designed to be user-friendly. Even those who lack technological expertise can easily locate and adjust the necessary settings. Additionally, contemporary society is more diverse than ever before, making it nearly impossible to craft a message that appeals universally. Small businesses with limited advertising and research budgets may struggle to survive if they are barred from utilizing cost-effective targeted advertising methods.

While Jessica raises a valid point about the importance of creating advertisements that cater to a broad audience, she fails to acknowledge the inherent challenges associated with producing such content.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 28

3. 任务完成度

总体来说，这篇文章较好地回答了问题，并提供了有力的论据。但是，为了进一步提高文章质量，可以在以下方面进行改进：首先，在论述观点时可以更具体地说明在线信息的优势，例如提到某些具体的在线资源或消费者评论网站。其次，在讨论朋友和家人建议的局限性时，可以提供更多细节和例子来支持观点。

示例1： 原文：It is because many actual sharing about certain products could help them to make some comparisons and seek the optimal choice. 修改后：It is because many online resources, such as consumer reviews websites and expert blogs, provide detailed information about certain products, which helps consumers make informed comparisons and choose the best option.

示例2： 原文：While advice from friends can vary for different facial conditions, such as dry skin and oily skin. 修改后：For instance, when it comes to skincare products, advice from friends might not be applicable to everyone due to varying skin types like dry or oily skin, whereas online reviews often cater to a wider range of needs.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面表现良好，包括引言、主体和结论。然而，在段落之间加入更明确的过渡词或短语可以使文章更连贯。此外，可以在引言部分更明确地陈述自己的观点，以便让读者更好地理解文章的主题。

示例1： 原文：From my perspective, I resonate with Claire's opinions that the advice from the online source may be more valuable than the family's suggestions. 修改后：From my perspective, I strongly agree with Claire's opinion that relying on online sources for product information is a more effective strategy than seeking advice from friends and family.

示例2： 原文：Although the recommendations from the surrounding persons could offer a level of trust and reliability for the consumers, they may not have access to the latest information and have a deep understanding of relative products, as exemplified by the electronic device. 修改后：Although recommendations from friends and family may offer a level of trust and reliability, they often lack access to up-to-date information and in-depth knowledge about various products. For example, when it comes to electronic devices, online sources can provide more comprehensive and current details.

5. 语法批改

From my perspective, I resonate with Claire's opinions that the advice from the online source may be more valuable than the family's suggestions. To be more specific, online information could provide a diverse experience for people to choose their preferred goods. It is because many actual sharing about certain products could help them to make some comparisons and seek the optimal choice. For instance, skin care merchandise, individuals could find videos on the Internet that have similar skin to them, then they could correctly find the products that they suit. While advice from friends can vary for different facial conditions, such as dry skin and oily skin. Although the recommendations from the surrounding persons could offer a level of trust and reliability for the consumers, they may not have access to the latest information and have a deep understanding of relative products, as exemplified by the electronic device.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In my opinion, Claire's perspective on relying on online sources for purchasing decisions holds more merit than seeking advice from friends and family. Online information offers a diverse range of experiences and reviews, enabling individuals to make well-informed choices tailored to their specific needs. For example, when selecting skincare products, one can find online videos featuring individuals with similar skin types, which helps in identifying suitable products. In contrast, recommendations from friends may not account for differences in individual needs, such as varying skin conditions.

While advice from friends and family may offer a sense of trust and reliability, they might not possess the most up-to-date information or comprehensive understanding of certain products, as demonstrated by Paul's experience with electronic devices. Therefore, utilizing online resources allows consumers to access a wealth of knowledge and make informed decisions based on a broader range of experiences and expertise. (151 words)

From In my perspective, I resonate with opinion, Claire's opinions that the perspective on relying on online sources for purchasing decisions holds more merit than seeking advice from the online source may be more valuable than the family's suggestions. To be more specific, online information could friends and family (reason: online sources provide a wider range of information and experiences). Online information offers a diverse experience for people to choose range of experiences and reviews, enabling individuals to make well-informed choices tailored to their preferred goods. It is because many actual sharing about certain products could help them to make some comparisons and seek the optimal choice. specific needs (explanation: online reviews cover various aspects of a product and cater to different preferences). For instance, skin care merchandise, example, when selecting skincare products, one can find online videos featuring individuals could find videos on the Internet that have with similar skin to them, then they could correctly find the types, which helps in identifying suitable products that they suit. (reason: personalized recommendations based on similar characteristics). In contrast, recommendations from friends may not account for differences in individual needs, such as varying skin conditions (explanation: friends' suggestions might not be applicable to everyone due to personal differences).

While advice from friends can vary for different facial conditions, such and family may offer a sense of trust and reliability (reason: personal connections create trust), they might not possess the most up-to-date information or comprehensive understanding of certain products (explanation: limited knowledge based on personal experience), as dry skin and oily skin. Although the recommendations from the surrounding persons could offer a level of trust and reliability for the consumers, they may not have demonstrated by Paul's experience with electronic devices. Therefore, utilizing online resources allows consumers to access to the latest information and have a deep understanding of relative products, as exemplified by the electronic device.a wealth of knowledge and make informed decisions based on a broader range of experiences and expertise (reason: extensive information available online leads to better decision-making).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Online sources vs. friends and family advice

2. Benefits of online information
   - Diverse range of experiences and reviews
   - Tailored to individual needs

3. Example: Skincare products
   - Online videos for specific skin types
   - Identifying suitable products

4. Limitations of friends' recommendations
   - May not account for individual differences

5. Trust and reliability concerns
   - Friends and family may lack up-to-date information or comprehensive understanding

6. Example: Electronic devices (Paul's experience)

7. Utilizing online resources for informed decisions
   - Access to a wealth of knowledge and expertise 

8. Conclusion 

Title: 9 关键词