TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on marketing. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

您的文章在回应讨论问题方面做得很好，但在阐述观点和语言使用方面还有待提高。首先，在表达观点时，可以尝试提供更多具体的例子和详细信息来支持您的看法。其次，在语言使用方面，注意避免出现语法错误和不清晰的表达。

改进示例1（英文）： Instead of saying "it is prone to exert an adverse impact on daily life," you could provide a specific example, such as "targeted advertising can lead to unwanted spam emails, which can be annoying and time-consuming for users."

改进示例2（英文）： Instead of saying "some people with low identification ability tend to be easily tricked," you could say "individuals who are not familiar with online security measures may fall victim to scams or identity theft due to targeted advertising."

4. 文章结构与组织

从组织结构上看，您的文章需要更明确地划分引言、正文和结论部分。此外，每个段落应专注于一个特定观点，并提供支持细节。同时，注意在段落之间使用清晰的过渡词或短语。

改进示例1（英文）： Add an introduction sentence at the beginning of your essay, such as "In the debate on targeted advertising, I believe that it is an invasion of privacy due to its potential negative consequences."

改进示例2（英文）： Use transition words or phrases to connect your ideas, such as "Moreover" or "On the other hand." For example, you could say "Moreover, targeted advertising can lead to unwanted spam emails, which can be annoying and time-consuming for users."

5. 语法批改

To a certain extent,admittedly, admittedly(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) targeted advertising has become an efficient way to purchase products.Nevertheless Nevertheless(Missing space between sentences),we, we(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) can not emphasize the importance of protecting our privacy.I I(Missing space between sentences) am inclined to believe that targeted advertistingadvertising(misspelling) is an invasion of privacy.In In(Missing space between sentences) my view,it, it(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) is prone to exert an adverse impact on daily life.When When(Missing space between sentences) acquiring our privacy, some people are intended to harass us by calling or texting us.What What(Missing space between sentences) angered us is that it tends to ruin our lives.If If(Missing space between sentences) cheaters obtain our personal information,some, some(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) people with low identification ability tend to be easily tricked.For For(Missing space between sentences) example, my cousin was cheated out of money because he filled in his personal information on a shopping app.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

While targeted advertising can be an efficient method for promoting products, the protection of personal privacy should not be overlooked. I believe that targeted advertising constitutes an invasion of privacy, as it can potentially have negative consequences on our daily lives. The acquisition of personal information may lead to harassment through unwanted calls or messages, causing significant distress. Furthermore, if fraudsters gain access to such information, individuals with limited discernment may fall victim to scams. For instance, my cousin lost money after providing his personal details on a shopping app. (95 words)

To a certain extent,admittedly Revised essay: Section Title: 7 Article Correction

While targeted advertising has become can be an efficient way to purchase products.Nevertheless,we can method for promoting products (clarified phrasing for better understanding), the protection of personal privacy should not emphasize the importance of protecting our privacy.I am inclined to be overlooked (improved sentence structure). I believe that targeted advertisting is advertising constitutes an invasion of privacy.In my view,it is prone privacy (rephrased for clarity), as it can potentially have negative consequences on our daily lives (simplified phrasing). The acquisition of personal information may lead to exert an adverse impact on daily life.When acquiring our privacy, some people are intended harassment through unwanted calls or messages, causing significant distress (revised sentence structure). Furthermore, if fraudsters gain access to harass us by calling or texting us.What angered us is that it tends such information, individuals with limited discernment may fall victim to ruin our lives.If cheaters obtain our personal information,some people with low identification ability tend to be easily tricked.For example, scams (improved phrasing for clarity). For instance, my cousin was cheated out of lost money because he filled in after providing his personal information details on a shopping app.app (rephrased for better understanding).

Display title: 8 思维导图

Mindmap:

1. Introduction
   - Targeted advertising
   - Privacy concerns

2. Invasion of privacy
   - Personal information acquisition
   - Harassment and distress

3. Negative consequences
   - Unwanted calls/messages
   - Fraud and scams

4. Personal example
   - Cousin's experience with shopping app

5. Conclusion
   - Balancing targeted advertising and privacy protection 

Display title: 9 关键词

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

While targeted advertising can be an efficient method for promoting products, the protection of personal privacy should not be overlooked. I believe that targeted advertising constitutes an invasion of privacy, as it can potentially have negative consequences on our daily lives. The acquisition of personal information may lead to harassment through unwanted calls or messages, causing significant distress. Furthermore, if fraudsters gain access to such information, individuals with limited discernment may fall victim to scams. For instance, my cousin lost money after providing his personal details on a shopping app.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 27

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of addressing the task requirements by expressing a personal opinion and contributing to the discussion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples or details to support the argument.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more concrete examples of how targeted advertising benefits both consumers and businesses.

• Discuss potential drawbacks or concerns related to targeted advertising, such as data privacy issues, and how they can be mitigated.

Examples:

1. "For instance, targeted advertising allows small businesses with limited budgets to reach their niche audience more effectively, resulting in better sales performance."
2. "While there are concerns about data privacy, companies can implement strict data protection policies and inform users about their rights regarding personal information usage."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, it could benefit from better organization within the body paragraphs and clearer transitions between ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the main point.

• Improve transitions between ideas by using appropriate linking words or phrases.

Examples:

1. "Firstly, it is important to consider that targeted advertising allows for greater efficiency in reaching potential customers."
2. "On the other hand, some may argue that targeted advertising can lead to privacy concerns; however, there are ways to address these issues."

5. Grammar

I agree with Mike's idea that we can just opt-out of targeted advertising if we're worried about it. On top of that, I frimlyfirmly believe that targettargeted advertising isn't an ethical problem, as it provides people with proper and understamdableunderstandable guidance to avoid data privacy issues. To elaborate, it is extremely easy to protect our personal data nowadays since Internet browsers are very user-friendly. Even people who are inexperienced with technology can find the right settings and adjust them. Furthermore, society is more diverse than before, so it is almost impossible to create a message that everyone finds attractive. Small companies without large advertising and research budgets might go out of business if they are prevented from using cheap and effective target advertising. Still, Jessica raises a relevant point that companies should create advertisements that appeal to a broad audience. Ironically, she didn't mention how difficult it is to make advertisements like that.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I concur with Mike's perspective that users can simply opt-out of targeted advertising if they have concerns about privacy. Moreover, I firmly believe that targeted advertising does not pose an ethical dilemma, as it offers individuals appropriate and comprehensible guidance to circumvent data privacy issues.

To elaborate, protecting personal data has become increasingly accessible in today's digital age, as internet browsers are designed to be user-friendly. Even those who lack technological expertise can easily locate and adjust the necessary settings. Additionally, contemporary society is more diverse than ever before, making it nearly impossible to craft a message that appeals universally. Small businesses with limited advertising and research budgets may struggle to survive if they are barred from utilizing cost-effective targeted advertising methods.

While Jessica raises a valid point about the importance of creating advertisements that cater to a broad audience, she fails to acknowledge the inherent challenges associated with producing such content. (157 words)

Revised essay: Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I concur (agree with Mike’s idea that we changed to concur for a more formal tone) with Mike's perspective that users can just simply opt-out of targeted advertising if we’re worried they have concerns about it. On top of that, privacy. Moreover, I firmly (frimly corrected to firmly) believe that target advertising isn’t targeted advertising does not pose an ethical problem, dilemma, as it provides people with proper offers individuals appropriate and comprehensible (understamdable corrected to comprehensible) guidance to avoid circumvent data privacy issues.

To elaborate, it is protecting personal data has become increasingly accessible (extremely easy to protect our personal data nowadays since Internet changed to increasingly accessible for a more precise description) in today's digital age, as internet browsers are very designed to be user-friendly. Even people those who are lack technological expertise (inexperienced with technology changed to lack technological expertise for clearer expression) can find the right settings easily locate and adjust them. Furthermore, the necessary settings. Additionally, contemporary society (society changed to contemporary society for better context) is more diverse than ever before, so making it is almost nearly impossible to create craft a message that everyone finds attractive. appeals universally. Small companies without large businesses with limited advertising and research budgets might go out of business may struggle to survive if they are prevented barred from using cheap and effective target advertising. utilizing cost-effective targeted advertising methods.

Still, While Jessica raises a valid point (relevant point that companies should create changed to valid point for better clarity) about the importance of creating advertisements that appeal cater to a broad audience. Ironically, audience, she didn’t mention how difficult it is to make advertisements like that.fails to acknowledge the inherent challenges associated with producing such content.

Display title: 8 Mind Map

1. Introduction
   - Mike's perspective
   - No ethical dilemma

2. Protecting personal data
   - Accessible tools
   - User-friendly browsers

3. Diversity in society
   - Difficult to appeal universally

4. Small businesses
   - Limited budgets
   - Need for targeted advertising

5. Jessica's point of view
   - Broad audience catering importance

6. Challenges in broad content creation

7. Conclusion 

Display title: 9 Key Words

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I concur with Mike's perspective that users can simply opt-out of targeted advertising if they have concerns about privacy. Moreover, I firmly believe that targeted advertising does not pose an ethical dilemma, as it offers individuals appropriate and comprehensible guidance to circumvent data privacy issues.

To elaborate, protecting personal data has become increasingly accessible in today's digital age, as internet browsers are designed to be user-friendly. Even those who lack technological expertise can easily locate and adjust the necessary settings. Additionally, contemporary society is more diverse than ever before, making it nearly impossible to craft a message that appeals universally. Small businesses with limited advertising and research budgets may struggle to survive if they are barred from utilizing cost-effective targeted advertising methods.

While Jessica raises a valid point about the importance of creating advertisements that cater to a broad audience, she fails to acknowledge the inherent challenges associated with producing such content.

1. Sub Scores

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 25

3. Task completeness

The essay effectively addresses the task by expressing a personal opinion and contributing to the discussion in your own words. However, there is room for improvement in elaborating on your viewpoint with more specific examples or details. Additionally, some grammar errors and unclear language use are present.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples or details to support your viewpoint.

• Revise grammar errors and improve language use for clarity.

Examples in English:

1. "To elaborate, it is extremely easy to protect our personal data nowadays since Internet browsers are very user-friendly." -> "To elaborate, modern internet browsers offer user-friendly privacy settings that allow users to easily protect their personal data from targeted advertising."

2. "Small companies without large advertising and research budgets might go out of business if they are prevented from using cheap and effective target advertising." -> "Small companies with limited advertising budgets may struggle to compete if they cannot utilize cost-effective targeted advertising methods."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, some paragraphs could be better organized with clearer transitions between ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Improve paragraph organization by focusing on one main point per paragraph.

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Examples in English:

1. Instead of combining two different points in one paragraph like this: "To elaborate, it is extremely easy... Small companies without large advertising...", separate them into two distinct paragraphs.

2. Add transition phrases such as "On the other hand" or "In addition" at the beginning of paragraphs to signal a shift in focus or the introduction of a new idea.

5. Grammar

I agree with Mike's idea that we can just opt-out of targeted advertising if we're worried about it. On top of that, I frimly believesfirmly believe that targettargeted advertising isn't an ethical problems,problem, as it provides people with proper and understamdableunderstandable guidance to avoid data priracy. privacy issues. To elaborate, it is extremely easy to protect our personal data nowadays since Internet browsers are very user-friendly. Even people thatwho are inexperienced with technology can find the right settings and adjust them. Furthermore, society is more diverse than before, so it is almost impossible to create a message that everyone finds attractive. Small companies without large advertising and research budgets might go out of business if they are prevented from using cheap and effective target advertising. Still, jessicaJessica raises a relevantpointsrelevant point that companies sholdshould create advertisements that appeal to broad audience. Ironically, Sheshe didn't mention how difficult it is to make advertisements like that.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I concur with Mike's perspective that users can simply opt-out of targeted advertising if they have concerns about privacy. Moreover, I firmly believe that targeted advertising is not an ethical issue, as it offers individuals appropriate and comprehensible guidance to prevent data breaches.

To elaborate, protecting personal information has become increasingly accessible due to user-friendly internet browsers. Even those who are not technologically adept can easily locate and adjust the necessary settings. Additionally, society has become more diverse than ever before, making it nearly impossible to craft a universally appealing message. Small businesses lacking substantial advertising and research budgets may struggle to survive if they are barred from utilizing cost-effective targeted advertising methods.

While Jessica raises a valid point regarding the importance of creating advertisements that appeal to a broad audience, she fails to acknowledge the inherent challenges in doing so. (146 words)

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I agree concur with Mike’s idea Mike's perspective (Changed "agree" to "concur" for a more formal tone) that we users can just simply opt-out of targeted advertising if we’re worried they have concerns about it. On top of that, privacy. Moreover, I frimly believes firmly (Corrected "frimly" to "firmly") believe that target advertising isn’t targeted advertising is not an ethical problems, issue, as it provides people with offers individuals appropriate and comprehensible (Changed "proper and understamdable" to "appropriate and comprehensible" for clarity) guidance to prevent data breaches (Changed "data priracy" to "data breaches" for proper and understamdable guidance to avoid data priracy. spelling and terminology).

To elaborate, it is extremely easy to protect our protecting personal data nowadays since Internet browsers information has become increasingly accessible due to user-friendly internet browsers. Even those who are very user-friendly. Even people that are inexperienced not technologically adept (Changed "inexperienced with technology technology" to "not technologically adept" for better word choice) can find easily locate and adjust the right settings and adjust them. Furthermore, necessary settings. Additionally, society is has become more diverse than ever before, so making it is almost nearly impossible to create a message that everyone finds attractive. craft a universally appealing message. Small companies without large businesses lacking substantial advertising and research budgets might go out of business may struggle to survive if they are prevented barred from using cheap and effective target advertising. utilizing cost-effective targeted advertising methods.

Still, jessica While Jessica raises a relevantpoints that companies shold create valid point (Changed "relevantpoints" to "valid point") regarding the importance of creating advertisements that appeal to a broad audience. Ironically, She didn’t mention how difficult it is to make advertisements like that.audience, she fails to acknowledge the inherent challenges in doing so (Rephrased sentence for clarity).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

1. Targeted Advertising
   1.1 Ethical Issue?
       1.1.1 Privacy Concerns
       1.1.2 Opt-out Options
   1.2 Benefits
       1.2.1 Appropriate Guidance
       1.2.2 Prevent Data Breaches

2. Personal Information Protection
   2.1 User-friendly Browsers
   2.2 Accessibility for Non-tech Users

3. Diverse Society & Advertising Challenges
   3.1 Universally Appealing Message Difficulties
   3.2 Small Business Struggles

4. Counterargument: Broad Audience Appeal Importance 

Display title: 9 Key Words