TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: longevity

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

虽然你的文章在讨论寿命问题时提到了生活方式的变化，但没有充分涉及阅读材料中提到的医学技术和政府服务。为了更好地完成任务，你需要结合阅读材料中的观点，对这些因素进行比较和讨论。此外，你的文章在语法和词汇方面还有一些错误，需要加以改进。

示例1： Instead of focusing solely on lifestyle changes, you could write, "While lifestyle changes have played a significant role in increasing life expectancy, medical advancements and improved government services have also contributed to this trend."

示例2： To compare the factors mentioned in the reading material, you could write, "Although medical technology has enabled us to better treat chronic illnesses, improvements in government services such as access to clean drinking water and sanitation systems have been equally important in increasing life expectancy."

4. 文章结构与组织

你的文章结构不够清晰，缺乏明确的引言、主体和结论部分。为了改进文章组织，你需要确保每个段落都集中讨论一个特定观点，并提供支持细节。同时，在段落之间使用明确的过渡词或短语来连接不同观点。

示例1： 在文章开头，你可以加入一个引言，如："The increase in life expectancy can be attributed to various factors, including medical advancements, improved government services, and lifestyle changes. In this essay, I will compare and discuss these factors."

示例2： 在段落之间使用过渡词，如："On the one hand, medical technology has played a crucial role in increasing life expectancy by enabling better treatment of chronic illnesses. On the other hand, improvements in government services have also contributed to this trend by providing access to clean drinking water and sanitation systems."

5. 语法批改

It' sIt's(space after apostrophe in contraction (e.g. I' m)) a controversial topic that which is the main factors of longevity, enormous reason account for it, but I believe the transition in lifestyle dominants. The daily routine had dramatically changed during millennium. Humans evolved from eating raw meats to roasting meats till now having elaborated meals. Besides, humans renounce the nomadic lifestyle, changing into urban life. Both these two changes have great influence on life length. Avoiding raw foods can prevent plenty of diseases and living in metropolis diminish the potential risk such as harm by animals and suffer from rain and snow. The change in lifestyle is fundamental to the following factors such as medical progress and better community services.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

The debate over the primary factors contributing to increased longevity is multifaceted, with numerous elements at play. However, I assert that the most significant factor is the transformation in lifestyle habits. Over the millennia, human daily routines have evolved considerably. For instance, dietary practices have shifted from consuming raw meats to enjoying cooked meals and eventually embracing sophisticated culinary experiences. Additionally, humans have abandoned nomadic ways of life in favor of urban living. These two fundamental changes have greatly impacted life expectancy by reducing exposure to various health risks. Steering clear of raw foods helps prevent numerous diseases, while residing in metropolitan areas minimizes potential hazards such as animal attacks and adverse weather conditions. Ultimately, this shift in lifestyle serves as a foundation for subsequent factors like advancements in medical technology and enhanced public services. (140 words)

It' s a Revised essay: Section Title: 7 Article Revision

The debate over the primary factors contributing to increased longevity is multifaceted (clarifies the controversial topic nature of the topic), with numerous elements at play. However, I assert that which the most significant factor is the main factors of longevity, enormous reason account for it, but I believe the transition transformation in lifestyle dominants. The habits (more natural phrasing). Over the millennia (corrected time period), human daily routine had dramatically changed during millennium. Humans routines have evolved considerably. For instance, dietary practices have shifted from eating consuming raw meats to roasting meats till now having elaborated meals. Besides, enjoying cooked meals and eventually embracing sophisticated culinary experiences (more detailed explanation of dietary changes). Additionally, humans renounce the have abandoned nomadic lifestyle, changing into ways of life in favor of urban life. Both these living (clearer phrasing). These two fundamental changes have great influence on greatly impacted life length. Avoiding expectancy by reducing exposure to various health risks (connects changes to longevity). Steering clear of raw foods can helps prevent plenty of diseases and living in metropolis diminish the numerous diseases, while residing in metropolitan areas minimizes potential risk hazards such as harm by animals animal attacks and suffer from rain adverse weather conditions (specific examples of benefits). Ultimately, this shift in lifestyle serves as a foundation for subsequent factors like advancements in medical technology and snow. The change in enhanced public services (connects lifestyle is fundamental to the following factors such as medical progress and better community services.changes to other factors).

8 思维导图

1. 导言
   - 长寿的争论
   - 主要因素

2. 生活方式的转变
   - 人类日常生活的演变

3. 饮食习惯的改变
   - 从生肉到熟食
   - 现代烹饪体验

4. 居住环境的改善
   - 放弃游牧生活
   - 城市化进程

5. 减少健康风险
   - 避免食物中的疾病传播
   - 减少动物攻击和恶劣天气影响等危险因素

6. 其他相关因素 
   - 医学技术进步 
   - 公共服务改善 

7. 结论 
   - 生活方式转变是最重要的长寿因素 

9 关键词