TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on urban planning. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 21 (out of 30)

3. Task Completeness

The essay addresses the task by providing an opinion on how companies can attract potential employees. However, the essay could be improved by providing clearer support for the viewpoint and using more relevant examples from the reading passage. Additionally, some parts of the essay seem to be unrelated to the main topic, such as mentioning employees being afraid of dismissal.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Focus on one or two key points from the reading passage and elaborate on them with specific examples.

• Make sure all parts of your response are directly related to the task.

Examples in English:

1. "I believe that offering a competitive benefits package, including bonuses and insurance coverage, can make a company more attractive to potential employees."
2. "A company's location can play a significant role in attracting employees, as Andrew mentioned. For instance, having a workplace near public transportation or in an area with various amenities can make it more appealing."

4. Essay Structure and Organization

The essay has an introduction, body, and conclusion but lacks clear organization within paragraphs. The transitions between ideas could be improved for better flow.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph.

• Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea with supporting details.

• Use appropriate transition words or phrases to connect ideas within paragraphs.

Examples in English:

1. "Firstly, offering a comprehensive benefits package is crucial in attracting potential employees."
2. "In addition to providing competitive benefits packages, companies should also consider their location when trying to attract new employees."

5. Grammar

While I appreciate both viewpoints mentioned by Andrew and Claire, I tend to say that the best way to companies can attract potential employees is to provide many welfareswelfare(misspelling) such as year bonus or some free insurances. It should be kept in mind that employees are who the people affectsaffect(people + 3rd person verb) the company's achievements ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) so their feelings play an important role in determining whether a business is successful or not. If people feel interested byinterested in(Collocation: interested by/in) certain welfareswelfare(misspelling), it means that they are quite satisfied with the company and will be attracted, and that is the main reason for providing welfareswelfare(misspelling). Meanwhile, Claire contends that companies providing employees with a variety of food options in facilities, but she did not mention that employees are afraid to be dimisseddismissed(misspelling) by superiors, which will also lead to people keep working instead of go to the bars and the food is wasted. Consequently, the employees will not go to the bars, hence will be hard to attract potential employees and useless for current ones.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that offering comprehensive employee benefits, such as annual bonuses and insurance coverage, is the most effective way for companies to attract potential employees. It is crucial to remember that employees significantly impact a company's success, and their satisfaction plays a vital role in determining the business's overall performance. By offering attractive benefits, companies can ensure that their employees feel valued and appreciated, which in turn fosters loyalty and commitment.

Although Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace, she fails to consider the potential concerns employees may have regarding job security. In such cases, access to food amenities may not be sufficient to attract or retain talent. Therefore, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance coverage can prove to be a more effective strategy in attracting potential employees while also catering to the needs of current ones. (159 words)

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points (clarification: acknowledging both perspectives), I appreciate both viewpoints mentioned by Andrew and Claire, I tend to say believe that the best offering comprehensive employee benefits (revised: more precise term for "welfares"), such as annual bonuses and insurance coverage (examples added for clarity), is the most effective way to for companies can to attract potential employees employees. It is to provide many welfares such as year bonus or some free insurances. It should be kept in mind crucial to remember that employees are who the people affects the significantly impact a company's achievements , so success (rephrased for better flow), and their feelings play an important satisfaction plays a vital role in determining whether a business is successful or not. If people the business's overall performance (rephrased for clarity). By offering attractive benefits, companies can ensure that their employees feel interested by certain welfares, it means that they are quite satisfied with the company and will be attracted, and that is the main reason for valued and appreciated (explanation: connecting benefits to employee satisfaction), which in turn fosters loyalty and commitment.

Although Claire highlights the importance of providing welfares. Meanwhile, Claire contends that companies providing employees with a variety of various food options within the workplace (summary of Claire's argument), she fails to consider the potential concerns employees may have regarding job security (counterargument introduced). In such cases, access to food amenities may not be sufficient to attract or retain talent (explanation: why food options might not be enough). Therefore, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance coverage can prove to be a more effective strategy in facilities, but she did not mention that employees are afraid to be dimissed by superiors, which will attracting potential employees while also lead to people keep working instead catering to the needs of go to the bars and the food is wasted. Consequently, the employees will not go to the bars, hence will be hard to attract potential employees and useless for current ones.ones (conclusion: emphasizing the main argument).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Employee benefits
   • Attracting potential employees

2. Comprehensive benefits

   • Annual bonuses
   • Insurance coverage

3. Employee satisfaction

   • Impact on company success
   • Loyalty and commitment

4. Claire's argument: food options

   • Importance in the workplace

5. Job security concerns

   • Food amenities not sufficient for attraction/retention

6. Focus on substantial benefits

   • Financial incentives
   • Insurance coverage for current employees

7. Effective strategy

   • Attracting potential employees

8. Conclusion

   • Comprehensive employee benefits as the most effective way

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that offering comprehensive employee benefits, such as annual bonuses and insurance coverage, is the most effective way for companies to attract potential employees. It is crucial to remember that employees significantly impact a company's success, and their satisfaction plays a vital role in determining the business's overall performance. By offering attractive benefits, companies can ensure that their employees feel valued and appreciated, which in turn fosters loyalty and commitment.

Although Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace, she fails to consider the potential concerns employees may have regarding job security. In such cases, access to food amenities may not be sufficient to attract or retain talent. Therefore, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance coverage can prove to be a more effective strategy in attracting potential employees while also catering to the needs of current ones.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 26 (out of 30)

3. Task Completeness

The essay effectively addresses the task requirements by expressing a clear opinion and providing relevant examples to support the viewpoint. However, there is room for improvement in elaborating on the ideas presented. For instance, the essay could provide more specific examples of employee benefits that would be attractive to potential employees.

Example 1: Instead of just mentioning "annual bonuses," you could discuss how performance-based bonuses or profit-sharing programs can motivate employees to work harder and feel more invested in the company's success.

Example 2: In addition to insurance, you could mention other benefits such as flexible work hours, remote work options, or professional development opportunities that can make a company more appealing to potential employees.

4. Essay Structure and Organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could benefit from clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve overall organization.

Suggestion 1: Use transition words or phrases like "furthermore," "in addition," or "on the other hand" to connect your ideas more smoothly.

Example 1: "While Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace, she fails to consider the most employees may have regarding job security. On the other hand, focusing on more benefits like financial incentives and insurance can prove to be a more effective way in attracting potential employees while also fulfilling the needs of current ones."

Suggestion 2: Organize your body paragraphs by discussing one main idea per paragraph with supporting details.

Example 2: Paragraph 1 - Introduce your opinion on offering employee benefits. Paragraph 2 - Discuss why financial incentives are important for attracting potential employees. Paragraph 3 - Explain the significance of insurance and other benefits in retaining current employees. Paragraph 4 - Address Claire's point about food options and why it may not be as effective as offering more substantial benefits.

5. Grammar

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that offering more employee benefits, such as annual bonuses and insurance, is the most effective way for companies to attract potential employees. It is important to remember that employees impact a company's success, and their feeling plays a vital role in determining the business's achievements and performances. By offering attractive welfareswelfare(misspelling), companies can ensure that their employees feel motivated and appreciated, which in will fostersfoster(Non-infinitive verb after modal verbs) their working qualities. Although Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace, she fails to consider the most employees may have regarding job security. In such cases, access to foods may not be sufficient to attract potential employees. Therefore, focusing on more benefits like financial incentives and insurance can prove to be a more effective way in attracting potential employees while also fulfill to thethe(Detects potentially wrong usage of "to the") needs of current ones.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that offering additional employee benefits, such as annual bonuses and insurance, is the most effective way for companies to attract potential employees. It is crucial to recognize that employees significantly impact a company's success, and their well-being plays a vital role in determining the organization's achievements and performance. By offering attractive incentives, companies can ensure that their employees feel motivated and appreciated, which in turn fosters their work quality. Although Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace, she fails to consider the concerns most employees may have regarding job security. In such cases, access to food may not be sufficient to attract potential employees. Therefore, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance can prove to be a more effective strategy in attracting potential employees while also catering to the needs of current ones. (156 words)

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that offering more additional ("additional" is used instead of "more" to avoid repetition and improve clarity) employee benefits, such as annual bonuses and insurance, is the most effective way for companies to attract potential employees. It is important to remember crucial (revised from "important" to "crucial" for emphasis) to recognize that employees significantly (added "significantly" for emphasis) impact a company's success, and their feeling well-being (revised from "feeling" to "well-being" for better context) plays a vital role in determining the business's organization's (changed from "business's" to "organization's" for variety) achievements and performances. performance. By offering attractive welfares, incentives (revised from "welfares" to "incentives" for clarity), companies can ensure that their employees feel motivated and appreciated, which in will turn fosters their working qualities. work quality (revised from "working qualities"). Although Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace, she fails to consider the concerns most employees may have regarding job security. In such cases, access to foods food may not be sufficient to attract potential employees. Therefore, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance can prove to be a more effective way strategy (revised from "way") in attracting potential employees while also fulfill catering (changed from "fulfill") to the needs of current ones.

Display title: 8 Mind Map

1. Introduction
   - Attracting potential employees
   - Importance of employee benefits

2. Employee impact on company success
   - Well-being and performance

3. Additional benefits
   - Annual bonuses
   - Insurance

4. Motivation and appreciation
   - Fostering work quality

5. Claire's argument: food options
   - Insufficient for attracting employees

6. Job security concerns
   - More important than food options

7. Effective strategy for attracting employees 
   - Financial incentives and insurance 

8. Conclusion 
   - Catering to current and potential employees' needs 

Display title: 9 Key Words

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.5 Language Use and Grammar: 4.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 28

3. Task completeness

The essay effectively addresses the task requirements by expressing a clear opinion and contributing to the discussion with well-supported arguments. However, there is room for improvement in terms of elaborating on the viewpoint with more specific examples or details.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide real-life examples of companies that have successfully attracted employees through comprehensive benefits packages.

• Explain how these benefits can impact employee satisfaction and retention in the long run.

Examples:

1. "For instance, Google is known for offering generous benefits such as health insurance, retirement plans, and even on-site childcare facilities, which have made it one of the most sought-after employers worldwide."
2. "Moreover, studies have shown that employees who are satisfied with their benefits package are more likely to stay with their company long-term, reducing turnover rates and ultimately saving businesses money."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. The organization is logical, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point supported by relevant details. However, transitions between ideas could be improved to enhance coherence.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use transitional phrases or words to connect ideas within paragraphs.

• Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next by linking related ideas.

Examples:

1. "While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that offering comprehensive employee benefits... In addition to fostering loyalty and commitment among employees, this approach also addresses their concerns regarding job security."
2. "Although Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace... On the other hand, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance coverage can prove to be a more effective strategy in attracting potential employees while also catering to the needs of current ones."

5. Grammar

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that offering comprehensive employee benefits, such as annual bonuses and insurance coverage, is the most effective way for companies to attract potential employees. It is crucial to remember that employees significantly impact a company's success, and their satisfaction plays a vital role in determining the business's overall performance. By offering attractive benefits, companies can ensure that their employees feel valued and appreciated, which in turn fosters loyalty and commitment. Although Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace, she fails to consider the potential concerns employees may have regarding job security. In such cases, access to food amenities may not be sufficient to attract or retain talent. Therefore, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance coverage can prove to be a more effective strategy in attracting potential employees while also catering to the needs of current ones.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In response to Doctor Gupta's discussion on labor shortages, I believe that offering comprehensive employee benefits, such as annual bonuses and insurance coverage, is the most effective way for companies to attract potential employees. It is crucial to remember that employees significantly impact a company's success, and their satisfaction plays a vital role in determining the business's overall performance. By offering attractive benefits, companies can ensure that their employees feel valued and appreciated, which in turn fosters loyalty and commitment. Although Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace, she fails to consider the potential concerns employees may have regarding job security. In such cases, access to food amenities may not be sufficient to attract or retain talent. Therefore, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance coverage can prove to be a more effective strategy in attracting potential employees while also catering to the needs of current ones. (160 words)

Revised essay: Display title: 7 Essay Grading

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that offering comprehensive employee benefits, such as annual bonuses (revised for clarity) and insurance coverage, is the most effective way for companies to attract potential employees. It is crucial to remember that employees significantly impact a company's success, success (rephrased for smoother flow), and their satisfaction plays a vital role in determining the business's overall performance. By offering attractive benefits, companies can ensure that their employees feel valued and appreciated, appreciated (reworded for emphasis), which in turn fosters loyalty and commitment. Although Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace, she fails to consider the potential concerns employees may have regarding job security. security (added for balance). In such cases, access to food amenities may not be sufficient to attract or retain talent. Therefore, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance coverage can prove to be a more effective strategy in attracting potential employees while also catering to the needs of current ones.ones (restructured sentence for better flow).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

1. Labor Shortages
   1.1. Attracting potential employees
       1.1.1. Comprehensive employee benefits
           1.1.1.1. Annual bonuses
           1.1.1.2. Insurance coverage
   2. Employee satisfaction
       2.1 Importance in company success
       2.2 Impact on overall performance
   3. Fostering loyalty and commitment
       3.1 Feeling valued and appreciated
   4. Alternative solutions (Claire's suggestion)
       4.1 Providing various food options at workplace
           4.1.1 Insufficient for job security concerns 

Display title: 9 Key Words