TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on business management. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22 (3.5)

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the task by expressing an opinion on optional attendance in postsecondary education and providing some support for that opinion. However, the essay could be improved by elaborating more on the reasons for supporting optional attendance and providing specific examples or evidence to strengthen the argument. Additionally, the response should focus more on contributing to the discussion with original ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide specific examples or evidence to support your viewpoint.

• Elaborate more on your reasons for supporting optional attendance.

• Contribute more original ideas to the discussion.

Examples:

1. "For instance, a study conducted at XYZ University found that students who were given the option to attend classes online performed just as well as those who attended in-person classes."
2. "Moreover, allowing students to choose their preferred learning method can lead to increased motivation and engagement in their studies."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could be improved by having clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs, as well as organizing each paragraph around a specific point with supporting details.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

• Organize each paragraph around a specific point with supporting details.

Examples:

1. "Firstly, with the development of technology..." could be improved by adding a transition like "One reason why optional attendance is beneficial is that..."
2. Instead of jumping straight into another point after discussing technology, consider starting a new paragraph with a clear topic sentence such as "Another advantage of optional attendance is its focus on learning outcomes rather than physical presence."

5. Grammar

I concur with Claire's prespectiveperspective(misspelling) that potionaloptional(misspelling) attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, with the development of technology, online calssclass(misspelling), class recording and different kinds of e-books are accessible to students. So that they don't need to only rely on the materials learned on classes, and they could spend more time and eneryevery(misspelling) to explore what they truly needed and which approach they really fit in. However, if attendance is necessary, students should be forced to take attedattend(misspelling) even if they don't interestedinterest(After auxiliary 'do', use the base form of a verb) about the content toughtthought(misspelling) in classes, wasting their time. Secondly, the real important thing is how much knowledge the students learn instead of how many attendancemany attendances(Possible agreement error: 'many/several/few' + singular countable noun) in their records. So exams are better than attendance.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I agree with Claire's perspective that optional attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, advancements in technology have made online classes, class recordings, and various e-books readily available to students. This allows them to explore the resources they truly need and find the learning approach that best suits them, rather than solely relying on in-class materials. Mandatory attendance may force students to attend classes they are not interested in, wasting their time and energy. Secondly, the true measure of a student's success should be based on the knowledge they acquire rather than their attendance records. Therefore, assessments such as exams and papers are more appropriate indicators of a student's progress than mere attendance. (121 words)

I concur agree with Claire's prespective perspective (changed "concur" to "agree" for a more conversational tone, and "prespective" to "perspective" for correct spelling) that potional optional attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, with advancements in technology (rephrased "with the development of technology, technology" for better flow) have made online calss, classes, class recording recordings, and different kinds of various e-books are accessible readily available to students. So This allows them to explore the resources they truly need and find the learning approach that best suits them (rephrased for clarity), rather than solely relying on in-class materials. Mandatory attendance may force students to attend classes they don't need to only rely are not interested in (corrected grammar and phrasing), wasting their time and energy. Secondly, the true measure of a student's success should be based on the materials learned on classes, knowledge they acquire (rephrased for clarity) rather than their attendance records. Therefore, assessments such as exams and they could spend papers are more time and enery to explore what they truly needed and which approach they really fit in. However, if appropriate indicators of a student's progress than mere attendance is necessary, students should be forced to take atted even if they don't interested about the content tought in classes, wasting their time. Secondly, the real important thing is how much knowledge the students learn instead of how many attendance in their records. So exams are better than attendance.(clarified meaning).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

- Optional Attendance
    - Efficiency
        - Online classes
        - Class recordings
        - E-books
    - Accessibility
        - Personalized learning approach
        - Time management

- Mandatory Attendance Issues
    - Wasted time and energy
    - Uninterested students

- Success Measurement
    - Knowledge acquisition
    - Exams and papers

Display title: 9 Key Words

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I agree with Claire's perspective that optional attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, advancements in technology have made online classes, class recordings, and various e-books readily available to students. This allows them to explore the resources they truly need and find the learning approach that best suits them, rather than solely relying on in-class materials. Mandatory attendance may force students to attend classes they are not interested in, wasting their time and energy. Secondly, the true measure of a student's success should be based on the knowledge they acquire rather than their attendance records. Therefore, assessments such as exams and papers are more appropriate indicators of a student's progress than mere attendance.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• Estimated Score: 25

3. 任务完成度

这篇文章基本上回答了教授的问题，但可以在论述中加入更多细节和例子来支持观点。例如，可以提供具体的案例来说明沟通能力如何帮助解决员工在工作中遇到的问题，以及如何提高员工对公司的忠诚度和归属感。

改进建议示例：

1. "This skill can help employers know better about the problems that workers faced in the work." 改为 "Good communication skills enable leaders to identify and address the challenges employees face in their work, such as resolving conflicts or improving collaboration among team members."

2. "Thus, all the workers will show the loyalty and belonging to the company." 改为 "As a result, employees are more likely to feel a sense of loyalty and belonging to the company, which can lead to higher job satisfaction and retention rates."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面表现良好，有明确的引言、主体和结论。然而，可以在段落之间加入更清晰的过渡句子，使文章更连贯。

改进建议示例：

1. 在第一句话之后加入过渡句子："While Kelly contends that leaders’ technical background will encourage workers, which makes a lot of sense, I hold the view that communication is the most important skill for a leader. To further support this argument, let's consider the benefits of effective communication in the workplace."

2. 在主体段落的最后一句话之前加入过渡句子："Apart from Andrew’s perspective of high productivity, I would add that good communication can maintain a good relationship between employees and employers. This not only helps in problem-solving but also fosters a positive work environment where employees feel valued and supported."

5. 语法批改

While Kelly contends that leaders’ technical background will encourage workers, which makes a lot of sense, I hold the view that communication is the most important skill for a leader. Apart from Andrew’s perspective of high productivity, I would add that a good communication can maintain a good relationship between employees and employers. This skill can help employers know better about the problems that workers faced in the work. Then, they can also use this skill to solve the problem effectively. Thus, all the workers will show the loyalty and belonging to the company.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In response to the professor's question, I believe that effective communication is the most crucial skill for a business leader. While having a strong technical background in a particular industry, as Kelly suggests, can indeed inspire employees, I argue that excellent communication skills offer additional benefits. Apart from the increased productivity mentioned by Andrew, effective communication fosters positive relationships between employees and employers. This skill enables leaders to better understand the challenges their workers face and subsequently address these issues more efficiently. Consequently, employees develop a sense of loyalty and belonging to the company, further enhancing overall performance. (103 words)

Revised essay: Section Title: 7 Article Correction

While Kelly contends that leaders’ leaders' technical background backgrounds will encourage workers, which makes a lot of sense, sense (clarified the subject), I hold the view that communication is the most important skill for a leader. Apart from Andrew’s Andrew's perspective of high productivity, productivity (clarified reference to productivity), I would add that a good communication can maintain a good relationship positive relationships between employees and employers. employers (rephrased for clarity). This skill can help employers know better about the problems that workers faced face in the work. their work (rephrased for clarity). Then, they can also use this skill to solve the problem effectively. problems effectively (simplified sentence structure). Thus, all the workers will show the loyalty and belonging to the company.company (clarified meaning).

8 思维导图

- Effective Communication
    - Crucial skill for business leaders
    - Benefits
        - Increased productivity
        - Positive relationships between employees and employers
        - Better understanding of challenges faced by workers
        - Efficient problem-solving
        - Employee loyalty and belonging
    - Comparison to strong technical background
        - Inspires employees but lacks additional benefits of communication skills

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

25. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得不错，但还有一些可以改进的地方。首先，你需要更详细地讨论远程工作的优缺点，以便更全面地回答教授的问题。此外，在使用英语时要注意避免语法错误和不清晰的表达。

改进示例1: Instead of "I think remote work’s benifit is more than it’s draw backs.", you can write "I believe the benefits of remote work outweigh its drawbacks."

改进示例2: Instead of "Having a space that makes the worker feel safe will help them work even more harder and concentrated because they work in a space they feel enjoyable.", you can write "A comfortable workspace allows employees to focus better on their tasks, leading to increased productivity."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面可以加强。建议在开头部分明确提出你的观点，并在正文部分详细阐述支持你观点的理由。最后，用一个总结性段落来结束文章。同时，注意在段落之间使用恰当的过渡词或短语来保持连贯性。

改进示例1: Add an introduction: "In response to the professor's question, I believe that remote work offers more benefits than drawbacks for both employees and companies."

改进示例2: Use transitions between paragraphs: "On the one hand, remote work provides employees with a comfortable and flexible working environment. On the other hand, there are some concerns about its impact on team collaboration and career development."

5. 语法批改

I think remote work’s benifitbenefit(misspelling) is more than it’sits(You can use it's (its) command line API.) draw backsdrawbacks(warm up (warm-up)). Remote work give the worker a comfortable, cozy working space to let them work more enjoyable. Having a space that makes the worker feel safe will help them work even more harderharder(No 'more' or 'most' before comparatives) and concentrated because they work in a space they feel enjoyable. Remote work can also provide more time for them to restrest,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) so they can always be working in their best state. Like waking up later thenthan(Detects potentially wrong usage of "then") normal workers to make sure they have enough sleep.

For instance, my mother workworks(punctuation + singular noun + plural verb) at home, her job is architect, she is the best worker in the company. She feelfeels(Agreement error: Non-third person/past tense verb with 'he/she/it' or a pronoun) safe at home, she thinks the environment give her a good place forto(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) create and design, the setting around herthe surrounding setting(the noun around it (surrounding noun)) is very cozy, she feelfeels(Agreement error: Non-third person/past tense verb with 'he/she/it' or a pronoun) very welcomed which let her not afraid of showing her ideas and the view outside give her a lot of inspiration.

Section Title: 6 文章修订

In my opinion, the benefits of remote work outweigh its drawbacks. Remote work provides employees with a comfortable and personalized working environment, allowing them to be more productive and focused. A familiar setting can enhance one's sense of security and foster creativity, as individuals are more likely to express their ideas freely. Additionally, remote work offers greater flexibility in terms of scheduling, enabling employees to maintain a healthier work-life balance by allocating time for rest and personal pursuits.

For example, my mother is an architect who works from home and is considered one of the top performers in her company. She attributes her success to the conducive atmosphere at home that stimulates her creativity and design skills. The welcoming environment alleviates any apprehension she may have about sharing her ideas, while the inspiring view outside serves as a constant source of inspiration. (146 words)

I think In my opinion, the benefits of remote work’s benifit is more than it’s draw backs. work outweigh its drawbacks (revised for clarity and conciseness). Remote work give the worker provides employees with a comfortable, cozy comfortable and personalized working space to let environment (rephrased for better flow), allowing them to be more productive and focused (corrected grammar). A familiar setting can enhance one's sense of security and foster creativity, as individuals are more likely to express their ideas freely (revised for clarity). Additionally, remote work more enjoyable. Having offers greater flexibility in terms of scheduling, enabling employees to maintain a space that makes the worker feel safe will help them work even more harder and concentrated because they work in a space they feel enjoyable. Remote work can also provide more healthier work-life balance by allocating time for them to rest so they can always be working in their best state. Like waking up later then normal workers to make sure they have enough sleep. and personal pursuits (rephrased for better flow).

For instance, example, my mother work is an architect who works from home and is considered one of the top performers in her company (corrected grammar and rephrased for clarity). She attributes her success to the conducive atmosphere at home, her job is architect, home that stimulates her creativity and design skills (revised for better flow). The welcoming environment alleviates any apprehension she is the best worker in the company. She feel safe at home, she thinks the environment give her a good place for create and design, the setting around her is very cozy, she feel very welcomed which let her not afraid of showing her ideas and the may have about sharing her ideas, while the inspiring view outside give her serves as a lot of inspiration.constant source of inspiration (rephrased for clarity and conciseness).

8 思维导图

- Remote Work
    - Benefits
        - Comfortable and personalized environment
            - Increased productivity and focus
            - Enhanced sense of security
            - Foster creativity
        - Flexibility in scheduling
            - Healthier work-life balance
            - Time for rest and personal pursuits
    - Example: Architect mother
        - Top performer in her company
        - Conducive atmosphere at home stimulates creativity and design skills
        - Welcoming environment encourages idea sharing 
        - Inspiring view serves as a source of inspiration 

9 关键词