TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on history&culture. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 27

3. 任务完成度

这篇文章在任务完成度方面表现较好，成功回答了教授的问题并表达了个人观点。但是，文章可以在以下方面进行改进：

1. 更具体的例子和细节来支持观点。

2. 更深入地讨论与主题相关的其他方面。

改进示例：

1. 在支持保护古建筑的观点时，可以提供一些具体的例子，如某个著名古建筑的破损情况以及政府采取措施后的改善情况。

2. 可以讨论保护古建筑对于文化传承和旅游业发展等方面的重要性。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构基本清晰，包括引言、正文和结尾。然而，在组织上还有一些改进空间：

1. 在段落中使用更明确的主题句来引导读者。

2. 使用更清晰的过渡词或短语来连接不同观点和段落。

改进示例：

1. 在正文第一段开始时，可以使用一个明确的主题句，如：“我认为政府应该将资金用于保护古建筑，而非建造新建筑。”

2. 在连接不同观点时，可以使用过渡词或短语，如：“此外”，“然而”等。例如：“此外，在许多古建筑遗址中，我们可以发现它们的状况堪忧。”

5. 语法批改

Have developed for thousands of years, there are plenty of historical sites and artifacts around the world. I have to admit that many of them are very attractive. However, if let me to choosechoose(Don't let any negativity to affect (affect) you), I would like to spend money on preserving all the old buildings. Companies have already build enough contemporary constructions in cities for residence, buisinessbusiness(misspelling) and so on. Even though building new constructions is very popular today, it could be found that many constructions that have been built for nearly five years are empty because people only buy them, rather than using them. However, when I go to historical sites, I would surpriselysurprise(misspelling) find that many ancient architecturemuch ancient architecture(Possible agreement error: 'many/several/few' + uncountable noun) are in poor condition, which makes it impossible for tourists like me to find how grand it was. Governments have the responsibility to preserve them by spending money on employing experts to repair and protect them. Without implementing some measures to save them, they might collapse in several years and disappear forever, which would be a great pity for both society and idividualsindividuals(misspelling).

Section Title: 6 文章修订

Throughout history, numerous historical sites and artifacts have been established, many of which hold great significance. While it is true that contemporary constructions are abundant in cities for various purposes, I firmly believe that preserving old buildings should be prioritized. In many cases, recently built structures remain unoccupied after just a few years, as people tend to purchase them without utilizing them. Conversely, when visiting historical sites, it is disheartening to see the poor condition of ancient architecture, which often prevents tourists from fully appreciating their grandeur.

Governments bear the responsibility of preserving these invaluable cultural treasures by allocating funds to employ experts who can restore and protect them. If no measures are taken to save these historical sites, they may eventually collapse and vanish forever - a tremendous loss for both society and individuals alike. By investing in the preservation of old buildings and sites, we ensure that future generations can experience firsthand the rich history and heritage that they represent. (166 words)

Have developed for thousands of years, there are plenty of Throughout history (revised for clarity and to set the context), numerous historical sites and artifacts around the world. I have to admit that been established, many of them are very attractive. However, if let me to choose, I would like to spend money on preserving all the old buildings. Companies have already build enough which hold great significance. While it is true that contemporary constructions are abundant in cities for residence, buisiness and so on. Even though building new constructions is very popular today, it could various purposes (revised for better flow and clarity), I firmly believe that preserving old buildings should be found that prioritized (revised to make the argument clear). In many constructions that have been cases, recently built for nearly five years are empty because structures remain unoccupied after just a few years, as people only buy them, rather than using them. However, tend to purchase them without utilizing them (revised for clarity and conciseness). Conversely, when I go to visiting historical sites, I would surprisely find that many it is disheartening to see the poor condition of ancient architecture architecture, which often prevents tourists from fully appreciating their grandeur (revised for better flow and readability).

Governments bear the responsibility of preserving these invaluable cultural treasures by allocating funds to employ experts who can restore and protect them (revised for clarity). If no measures are in poor condition, which makes it impossible for tourists like me to find how grand it was. Governments have the responsibility to preserve them by spending money on employing experts to repair and protect them. Without implementing some measures taken to save them, these historical sites, they might may eventually collapse in several years and disappear forever, which would be and vanish forever - a great pity tremendous loss for both society and idividuals.individuals alike (revised for better flow). By investing in the preservation of old buildings and sites, we ensure that future generations can experience firsthand the rich history and heritage that they represent (revised for conciseness and impact).

8 思维导图

1. 引言
   - 历史遗址和文物的重要性
   - 当代建筑的盛行
   - 保护古建筑的优先性

2. 现代建筑的问题
   - 短期内无人居住
   - 购买但不使用

3. 古建筑的现状
   - 悲惨的状况
   - 影响游客体验

4. 政府责任
   - 保护文化遗产
   - 分配资金雇佣专家

5. 未来世代的利益
   - 亲身体验历史和文化遗产

6. 结论
   - 投资保护古建筑和遗址的重要性

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

25. 3 任务完成度

总体来说，这篇文章较好地回答了问题，并提供了一些合理的论据。然而，有一些建议可以帮助改进文章。首先，尽量避免重复使用相同的词汇和表达。其次，在提供论据时，可以尝试举例子或者详细解释原因，以使观点更具说服力。

英文示例1：Instead of saying "I feel so tired and have no more time rest," you can say "Due to the heavy workload, I often find myself exhausted with little time left for relaxation."

英文示例2：You can provide a specific example of news that is irrelevant to daily life, such as "For instance, knowing about a minor celebrity's personal life may not have any impact on our daily routines."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面还有待改进。首先，建议在开头部分简要介绍自己的观点，并在正文部分详细阐述论据。此外，在段落之间使用过渡词或短语，以使文章更加流畅。

简体中文建议1：在开头部分明确表达自己的观点，例如：“在这个问题上，我倾向于支持Kathy的观点，认为人们不需要了解与日常生活关系不大的新闻。”

简体中文建议2：在段落之间使用过渡词或短语，例如：“首先，了解与日常生活无关的新闻会浪费时间。其次，我们应该关注与我们生活息息相关的信息。”

英文示例1：You can start your essay with a clear statement of your opinion, such as "In this discussion, I agree with Kathy's viewpoint that people do not need to know about news that has little impact on their daily lives."

英文示例2：Use transition words or phrases between paragraphs, such as "Firstly, knowing irrelevant news is a waste of time. Secondly, we should focus on information that is closely related to our daily lives."

5. 语法批改

From my perspective, I tend to support Kathy'Kathy's view: people do not need to know about news that havehas little influence on their daily lives. Apart from his reason, knowing news that has little impact on our lives is a waste of time, anothertime. Another reason I would like to add is that we should just pay attention to more daily life releventrelevant information around us. In other words, whichthis can cause a high-efficiency utilization of our limited stamina. For instance, as ana university student, I have at least six hours daily course should be taken. More over, ascourses. Moreover, to finish my own expectation, getting aexpectations and get good grades, I feel so tired and have no more time rest. So that,So, I can not even image how can someone always focousfocus on irreleventirrelevant news around them to finish their daily works. Therefore, based on my own experience, I strongly agree with Kathy's opinions.

Title: 6 文章修订

In my opinion, I concur with Kathy's perspective that people do not need to be informed about news that has little impact on their daily lives. In addition to her argument that it is a waste of time, I would like to emphasize the importance of focusing on more relevant information in our immediate surroundings. By doing so, we can make efficient use of our limited energy and resources. For example, as a university student with a demanding schedule, I must allocate at least six hours daily for coursework. Furthermore, in order to achieve my personal goal of attaining good grades, I often find myself exhausted with little time for leisure. Consequently, it is difficult for me to fathom how someone could consistently devote attention to unrelated news while still accomplishing their daily tasks. Based on my own experience, I wholeheartedly support Kathy's viewpoint. (147 words)

From my perspective, I tend to support In my opinion, I concur with Kathy's perspective (Changed "support Kathy' view: view" to "concur with Kathy's perspective" for a more natural tone) that people do not need to know be informed about news that have little influence on their daily lives. Apart from his reason, knowing news that has little impact on our lives their daily lives. In addition to her argument (Changed "his reason" to "her argument" for clarity and consistency) that it is a waste of time, another reason I would like to add is that we emphasize the importance of focusing on more relevant information in our immediate surroundings (Rephrased "we should just pay attention to more daily life relevent information around us. In other words, which us" for better flow and clarity). By doing so, we can make efficient use of our limited energy and resources (Rephrased "which can cause a high-efficiency utilization of our limited stamina. stamina" for better flow and clarity). For instance, example, as a university student with a demanding schedule (Changed "as an university student, I have student" to "as a university student with a demanding schedule" for better context), I must allocate at least six hours daily course for coursework (Changed "course should be taken. More over, as taken" to "for coursework" for clarity). Furthermore, in order to achieve my personal goal of attaining good grades (Changed "as to finish my own expectation, getting a good grades, I grades" to "in order to achieve my personal goal of attaining good grades" for better flow), I often find myself exhausted with little time for leisure (Changed "I feel so tired and have no more time rest. So that, I can not even image rest" to "I often find myself exhausted with little time for leisure"). Consequently, it is difficult for me to fathom how can someone always focous on irrelevent could consistently devote attention to unrelated news around them to finish while still accomplishing their daily works. Therefore, based tasks (Rephrased the sentence for better flow and clarity). Based on my own experience, I strongly agree with wholeheartedly support Kathy's opinions.viewpoint (Changed "Kathy's opinions" to "Kathy's viewpoint").

Title: 8 思维导图

Mindmap:

1. Introduction
   - Agree with Kathy's perspective
   - Focus on relevant information

2. Importance of focusing on immediate surroundings
   - Efficient use of energy and resources

3. Personal example: University student
   - Demanding schedule
   - Allocating time for coursework

4. Personal goal: Good grades
   - Exhaustion and limited leisure time

5. Difficulty in devoting attention to unrelated news

6. Conclusion: Support Kathy's viewpoint

Title: 9 关键词