TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on business management. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22 (3.5)

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the task by expressing an opinion on optional attendance in postsecondary education and providing some support for that opinion. However, the essay could be improved by elaborating more on the reasons for supporting optional attendance and providing specific examples or evidence to strengthen the argument. Additionally, the response should focus more on contributing to the discussion with original ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide specific examples or evidence to support your viewpoint.

• Elaborate more on your reasons for supporting optional attendance.

• Contribute more original ideas to the discussion.

Examples:

1. "For instance, a study conducted at XYZ University found that students who were given the option to attend classes online performed just as well as those who attended in-person classes."
2. "Moreover, allowing students to choose their preferred learning method can lead to increased motivation and engagement in their studies."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could be improved by having clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs, as well as organizing each paragraph around a specific point with supporting details.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

• Organize each paragraph around a specific point with supporting details.

Examples:

1. "Firstly, with the development of technology..." could be improved by adding a transition like "One reason why optional attendance is beneficial is that..."
2. Instead of jumping straight into another point after discussing technology, consider starting a new paragraph with a clear topic sentence such as "Another advantage of optional attendance is its focus on learning outcomes rather than physical presence."

5. Grammar

I concur with Claire's prespectiveperspective(misspelling) that potionaloptional(misspelling) attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, with the development of technology, online calssclass(misspelling), class recording and different kinds of e-books are accessible to students. So that they don't need to only rely on the materials learned on classes, and they could spend more time and eneryevery(misspelling) to explore what they truly needed and which approach they really fit in. However, if attendance is necessary, students should be forced to take attedattend(misspelling) even if they don't interestedinterest(After auxiliary 'do', use the base form of a verb) about the content toughtthought(misspelling) in classes, wasting their time. Secondly, the real important thing is how much knowledge the students learn instead of how many attendancemany attendances(Possible agreement error: 'many/several/few' + singular countable noun) in their records. So exams are better than attendance.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I agree with Claire's perspective that optional attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, advancements in technology have made online classes, class recordings, and various e-books readily available to students. This allows them to explore the resources they truly need and find the learning approach that best suits them, rather than solely relying on in-class materials. Mandatory attendance may force students to attend classes they are not interested in, wasting their time and energy. Secondly, the true measure of a student's success should be based on the knowledge they acquire rather than their attendance records. Therefore, assessments such as exams and papers are more appropriate indicators of a student's progress than mere attendance. (121 words)

I concur agree with Claire's prespective perspective (changed "concur" to "agree" for a more conversational tone, and "prespective" to "perspective" for correct spelling) that potional optional attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, with advancements in technology (rephrased "with the development of technology, technology" for better flow) have made online calss, classes, class recording recordings, and different kinds of various e-books are accessible readily available to students. So This allows them to explore the resources they truly need and find the learning approach that best suits them (rephrased for clarity), rather than solely relying on in-class materials. Mandatory attendance may force students to attend classes they don't need to only rely are not interested in (corrected grammar and phrasing), wasting their time and energy. Secondly, the true measure of a student's success should be based on the materials learned on classes, knowledge they acquire (rephrased for clarity) rather than their attendance records. Therefore, assessments such as exams and they could spend papers are more time and enery to explore what they truly needed and which approach they really fit in. However, if appropriate indicators of a student's progress than mere attendance is necessary, students should be forced to take atted even if they don't interested about the content tought in classes, wasting their time. Secondly, the real important thing is how much knowledge the students learn instead of how many attendance in their records. So exams are better than attendance.(clarified meaning).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

- Optional Attendance
    - Efficiency
        - Online classes
        - Class recordings
        - E-books
    - Accessibility
        - Personalized learning approach
        - Time management

- Mandatory Attendance Issues
    - Wasted time and energy
    - Uninterested students

- Success Measurement
    - Knowledge acquisition
    - Exams and papers

Display title: 9 Key Words

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I agree with Claire's perspective that optional attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, advancements in technology have made online classes, class recordings, and various e-books readily available to students. This allows them to explore the resources they truly need and find the learning approach that best suits them, rather than solely relying on in-class materials. Mandatory attendance may force students to attend classes they are not interested in, wasting their time and energy. Secondly, the true measure of a student's success should be based on the knowledge they acquire rather than their attendance records. Therefore, assessments such as exams and papers are more appropriate indicators of a student's progress than mere attendance.

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

25. 3 任务完成度

总体来说，你的文章在完成任务方面做得很好。然而，有一些地方可以改进。首先，在支持观点时，可以提供更具体的例子和详细信息。其次，在讨论领导者需要具备的技能时，可以尝试对比不同观点，以便更全面地展示你的观点。

示例1：在支持良好沟通对领导者重要性的观点时，可以举一个成功企业家如何通过有效沟通带领团队取得成功的例子。 示例2：在讨论领导者需要具备的技能时，可以比较优秀沟通能力和强大行业背景之间的优缺点，并解释为什么你认为前者更重要。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面，你已经有了清晰的引言、主体和结论。但是，在组织上还有一些改进空间。首先，在每个段落中关注一个具体观点，并提供相关细节和例子来支持这个观点。其次，在段落之间使用明确的过渡词或短语，以便读者更容易理解你的论点。

示例1：在讨论良好沟通对领导者重要性的段落中，可以使用类似于“首先”、“其次”和“最后”这样的过渡词来组织你的观点。 示例2：在比较不同观点时，可以使用类似于“然而”、“相反”和“此外”的过渡词来帮助读者理解你的论据。

5. 语法批改

From my perspective, I believe that a better communication between employees and their leaders is vital, a view aligns with Andrew's notion that the best leader are equipped with better communication skills to help them precisely capture the real needs forof(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) employees in order to achieve their goals. Additionally, I put forth the argument that a good communication among bosses and their workers can manage the conflicts in employees in a sufficient way. Considering the reasons in the conflicts accurately and comprehensively, the leader may find the proper solutions to deal with this matter.

While Kelly highlighted that giving a speech can let the workers know jobthe job(This rule identifies whether the article 'the' is missing in a sentence.), she failed to mention that some workers may get distracted by other things while the leader is giving a speech, as they have already learned the goals. Therefore, the speech may waste employees' time, thereby hampering the productivity and hindering mental heaithhealth(misspelling).

Title: 6 文章修订

In my opinion, effective communication between employees and their leaders is crucial for successful business management. This perspective aligns with Andrew's assertion that the best leaders possess strong communication skills, enabling them to accurately convey the expectations and goals for their employees. Furthermore, I argue that open and clear communication between supervisors and their subordinates can efficiently resolve conflicts within the workplace. By understanding the root causes of disagreements, a leader can devise appropriate solutions to address these issues.

On the other hand, Kelly emphasizes the importance of a deep understanding of the business itself. While this is certainly valuable, she overlooks the potential drawbacks of relying solely on speeches to communicate with employees. Some workers may become disengaged during these presentations if they feel they already understand their objectives. Consequently, such speeches could inadvertently waste employees' time and negatively impact productivity and mental health in the long run. (152 words)

From In my perspective, I believe that a better opinion, effective communication between employees and their leaders is vital, a view crucial (Changed "vital" to "crucial" for a more natural tone) for successful business management. This perspective aligns with Andrew's notion assertion that the best leader are equipped leaders possess strong communication skills (Rephrased "equipped with better communication skills to help skills" to "possess strong communication skills" for clarity and a more natural tone), enabling them precisely capture the real needs for employees in order to achieve their goals. Additionally, to accurately convey the expectations and goals for their employees. Furthermore, I put forth the argument argue that a open and clear communication between supervisors and their subordinates can efficiently resolve conflicts within the workplace (Rephrased "a good communication among bosses and their workers can manage the conflicts in employees in a sufficient way. Considering the reasons in the conflicts accurately and comprehensively, the way" to make it clearer and more concise). By understanding the root causes of disagreements, a leader may find the proper can devise appropriate solutions to deal address these issues.

On the other hand, Kelly emphasizes the importance of a deep understanding of the business itself. While this is certainly valuable, she overlooks the potential drawbacks of relying solely on speeches to communicate with this matter. ¶ While Kelly highlighted that giving employees (Rephrased "giving a speech can let the workers know job, she failed to mention that some job" to clarify Kelly's point). Some workers may get become disengaged during these presentations if they feel they already understand their objectives (Changed "get distracted by other things while the leader is giving a speech, as they have already learned the goals. Therefore, the speech may goals" to "become disengaged during these presentations if they feel they already understand their objectives" for clarity and conciseness). Consequently, such speeches could inadvertently waste employees' time, thereby hampering the time and negatively impact productivity and hindering mental heaith.health in the long run (Reworded this sentence for clarity and a more natural tone).

8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Effective communication
   - Successful business management

2. Andrew's Assertion
   - Strong communication skills
   - Accurate conveyance of expectations and goals

3. Conflict Resolution
   - Open and clear communication
   - Understanding root causes of disagreements

4. Kelly's Perspective
   - Deep understanding of the business itself

5. Drawbacks of Solely Relying on Speeches
   - Disengagement of employees
   - Wasted time and negative impact on productivity and mental health 

9 关键词