TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on business management. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22 (3.5)

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the task by expressing an opinion on optional attendance in postsecondary education and providing some support for that opinion. However, the essay could be improved by elaborating more on the reasons for supporting optional attendance and providing specific examples or evidence to strengthen the argument. Additionally, the response should focus more on contributing to the discussion with original ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide specific examples or evidence to support your viewpoint.

• Elaborate more on your reasons for supporting optional attendance.

• Contribute more original ideas to the discussion.

Examples:

1. "For instance, a study conducted at XYZ University found that students who were given the option to attend classes online performed just as well as those who attended in-person classes."
2. "Moreover, allowing students to choose their preferred learning method can lead to increased motivation and engagement in their studies."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could be improved by having clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs, as well as organizing each paragraph around a specific point with supporting details.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

• Organize each paragraph around a specific point with supporting details.

Examples:

1. "Firstly, with the development of technology..." could be improved by adding a transition like "One reason why optional attendance is beneficial is that..."
2. Instead of jumping straight into another point after discussing technology, consider starting a new paragraph with a clear topic sentence such as "Another advantage of optional attendance is its focus on learning outcomes rather than physical presence."

5. Grammar

I concur with Claire's prespectiveperspective(misspelling) that potionaloptional(misspelling) attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, with the development of technology, online calssclass(misspelling), class recording and different kinds of e-books are accessible to students. So that they don't need to only rely on the materials learned on classes, and they could spend more time and eneryevery(misspelling) to explore what they truly needed and which approach they really fit in. However, if attendance is necessary, students should be forced to take attedattend(misspelling) even if they don't interestedinterest(After auxiliary 'do', use the base form of a verb) about the content toughtthought(misspelling) in classes, wasting their time. Secondly, the real important thing is how much knowledge the students learn instead of how many attendancemany attendances(Possible agreement error: 'many/several/few' + singular countable noun) in their records. So exams are better than attendance.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I agree with Claire's perspective that optional attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, advancements in technology have made online classes, class recordings, and various e-books readily available to students. This allows them to explore the resources they truly need and find the learning approach that best suits them, rather than solely relying on in-class materials. Mandatory attendance may force students to attend classes they are not interested in, wasting their time and energy. Secondly, the true measure of a student's success should be based on the knowledge they acquire rather than their attendance records. Therefore, assessments such as exams and papers are more appropriate indicators of a student's progress than mere attendance. (121 words)

I concur agree with Claire's prespective perspective (changed "concur" to "agree" for a more conversational tone, and "prespective" to "perspective" for correct spelling) that potional optional attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, with advancements in technology (rephrased "with the development of technology, technology" for better flow) have made online calss, classes, class recording recordings, and different kinds of various e-books are accessible readily available to students. So This allows them to explore the resources they truly need and find the learning approach that best suits them (rephrased for clarity), rather than solely relying on in-class materials. Mandatory attendance may force students to attend classes they don't need to only rely are not interested in (corrected grammar and phrasing), wasting their time and energy. Secondly, the true measure of a student's success should be based on the materials learned on classes, knowledge they acquire (rephrased for clarity) rather than their attendance records. Therefore, assessments such as exams and they could spend papers are more time and enery to explore what they truly needed and which approach they really fit in. However, if appropriate indicators of a student's progress than mere attendance is necessary, students should be forced to take atted even if they don't interested about the content tought in classes, wasting their time. Secondly, the real important thing is how much knowledge the students learn instead of how many attendance in their records. So exams are better than attendance.(clarified meaning).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

- Optional Attendance
    - Efficiency
        - Online classes
        - Class recordings
        - E-books
    - Accessibility
        - Personalized learning approach
        - Time management

- Mandatory Attendance Issues
    - Wasted time and energy
    - Uninterested students

- Success Measurement
    - Knowledge acquisition
    - Exams and papers

Display title: 9 Key Words

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I agree with Claire's perspective that optional attendance could make postsecondary education more efficient and accessible. Firstly, advancements in technology have made online classes, class recordings, and various e-books readily available to students. This allows them to explore the resources they truly need and find the learning approach that best suits them, rather than solely relying on in-class materials. Mandatory attendance may force students to attend classes they are not interested in, wasting their time and energy. Secondly, the true measure of a student's success should be based on the knowledge they acquire rather than their attendance records. Therefore, assessments such as exams and papers are more appropriate indicators of a student's progress than mere attendance.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

25. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得不错，但还有一些可以改进的地方。首先，你需要更详细地讨论远程工作的优缺点，以便更全面地回答教授的问题。此外，在使用英语时要注意避免语法错误和不清晰的表达。

改进示例1: Instead of "I think remote work’s benifit is more than it’s draw backs.", you can write "I believe the benefits of remote work outweigh its drawbacks."

改进示例2: Instead of "Having a space that makes the worker feel safe will help them work even more harder and concentrated because they work in a space they feel enjoyable.", you can write "A comfortable workspace allows employees to focus better on their tasks, leading to increased productivity."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面可以加强。建议在开头部分明确提出你的观点，并在正文部分详细阐述支持你观点的理由。最后，用一个总结性段落来结束文章。同时，注意在段落之间使用恰当的过渡词或短语来保持连贯性。

改进示例1: Add an introduction: "In response to the professor's question, I believe that remote work offers more benefits than drawbacks for both employees and companies."

改进示例2: Use transitions between paragraphs: "On the one hand, remote work provides employees with a comfortable and flexible working environment. On the other hand, there are some concerns about its impact on team collaboration and career development."

5. 语法批改

I think remote work’s benifitbenefit(misspelling) is more than it’sits(You can use it's (its) command line API.) draw backsdrawbacks(warm up (warm-up)). Remote work give the worker a comfortable, cozy working space to let them work more enjoyable. Having a space that makes the worker feel safe will help them work even more harderharder(No 'more' or 'most' before comparatives) and concentrated because they work in a space they feel enjoyable. Remote work can also provide more time for them to restrest,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) so they can always be working in their best state. Like waking up later thenthan(Detects potentially wrong usage of "then") normal workers to make sure they have enough sleep.

For instance, my mother workworks(punctuation + singular noun + plural verb) at home, her job is architect, she is the best worker in the company. She feelfeels(Agreement error: Non-third person/past tense verb with 'he/she/it' or a pronoun) safe at home, she thinks the environment give her a good place forto(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) create and design, the setting around herthe surrounding setting(the noun around it (surrounding noun)) is very cozy, she feelfeels(Agreement error: Non-third person/past tense verb with 'he/she/it' or a pronoun) very welcomed which let her not afraid of showing her ideas and the view outside give her a lot of inspiration.

Section Title: 6 文章修订

In my opinion, the benefits of remote work outweigh its drawbacks. Remote work provides employees with a comfortable and personalized working environment, allowing them to be more productive and focused. A familiar setting can enhance one's sense of security and foster creativity, as individuals are more likely to express their ideas freely. Additionally, remote work offers greater flexibility in terms of scheduling, enabling employees to maintain a healthier work-life balance by allocating time for rest and personal pursuits.

For example, my mother is an architect who works from home and is considered one of the top performers in her company. She attributes her success to the conducive atmosphere at home that stimulates her creativity and design skills. The welcoming environment alleviates any apprehension she may have about sharing her ideas, while the inspiring view outside serves as a constant source of inspiration. (146 words)

I think In my opinion, the benefits of remote work’s benifit is more than it’s draw backs. work outweigh its drawbacks (revised for clarity and conciseness). Remote work give the worker provides employees with a comfortable, cozy comfortable and personalized working space to let environment (rephrased for better flow), allowing them to be more productive and focused (corrected grammar). A familiar setting can enhance one's sense of security and foster creativity, as individuals are more likely to express their ideas freely (revised for clarity). Additionally, remote work more enjoyable. Having offers greater flexibility in terms of scheduling, enabling employees to maintain a space that makes the worker feel safe will help them work even more harder and concentrated because they work in a space they feel enjoyable. Remote work can also provide more healthier work-life balance by allocating time for them to rest so they can always be working in their best state. Like waking up later then normal workers to make sure they have enough sleep. and personal pursuits (rephrased for better flow).

For instance, example, my mother work is an architect who works from home and is considered one of the top performers in her company (corrected grammar and rephrased for clarity). She attributes her success to the conducive atmosphere at home, her job is architect, home that stimulates her creativity and design skills (revised for better flow). The welcoming environment alleviates any apprehension she is the best worker in the company. She feel safe at home, she thinks the environment give her a good place for create and design, the setting around her is very cozy, she feel very welcomed which let her not afraid of showing her ideas and the may have about sharing her ideas, while the inspiring view outside give her serves as a lot of inspiration.constant source of inspiration (rephrased for clarity and conciseness).

8 思维导图

- Remote Work
    - Benefits
        - Comfortable and personalized environment
            - Increased productivity and focus
            - Enhanced sense of security
            - Foster creativity
        - Flexibility in scheduling
            - Healthier work-life balance
            - Time for rest and personal pursuits
    - Example: Architect mother
        - Top performer in her company
        - Conducive atmosphere at home stimulates creativity and design skills
        - Welcoming environment encourages idea sharing 
        - Inspiring view serves as a source of inspiration 

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

24. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答教授的问题方面做得不错，表达了作者对远程工作的看法，并给出了一些支持观点的例子。但是，文章可以在以下几个方面进行改进：首先，可以更详细地讨论远程工作的优缺点，以便更全面地回答问题；其次，在语言使用和语法方面需要注意避免错误和不清晰的表达。

改进示例1：将 "Going out to work will affect you a lot because some employees maybe don’t like you and they want to get you in a lot of trouble." 改为 "Going out to work may have negative effects, such as dealing with difficult coworkers or office politics."

改进示例2：将 "So stay at home and socialize with people you don’t like." 改为 "By working remotely, employees can avoid unnecessary conflicts and focus on their tasks."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章整体结构清晰，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在组织上还有一些需要改进的地方。首先，正文部分可以按照优点和缺点进行分段，使文章更加条理清晰；其次，在段落之间加入过渡词或短语，使文章更连贯。

改进示例1：在讨论远程工作优点的段落开头加入过渡词，如 "On the one hand, remote work offers several advantages, such as..."

改进示例2：在讨论远程工作缺点的段落开头加入过渡词，如 "On the other hand, there are also some drawbacks to remote work, including..."

5. 语法批改

The professor asks if remote work is beneficial, and two students think differently. One student thinks that it is a good idea because she spends time commenting and has more flexible schedules. The other student thinks it's a bad idea because it's hard to build relationships and collaborate effectively.

In my opinion, I think that remote work is beneficial because you don’t need to wake up earlier, get dressed, and go to work. Working at home saves more time, and it will help you work better because you are in a quieter space. Going out to work will affect you a lot because some employees maybe don’t like you and, and(comma between independent clauses) they want to get you in a lot of trouble. So stay at home and socialize with people you don’t like. For example, my friend's dad works in his house because he thinks competition is so loud because there are more than a hundred people. Also, there are some people in the company that he doesn’t really like, and working at home helps him stay away from them. He said that working at home is just like a normal day, but he will have more flexible time so he can go to the gym, and the boss can’t give him extra work to do.

Section Title: Remote Work: A Boon or a Bane?

The professor poses an intriguing question regarding the advantages and disadvantages of remote work, eliciting contrasting opinions from two students. One student perceives remote work as advantageous due to the time saved on commuting and increased flexibility in scheduling. Conversely, the other student argues that it hinders relationship-building and effective collaboration, which could potentially limit career growth.

Personally, I believe that remote work offers numerous benefits, including the elimination of time-consuming morning routines and commutes. Working from home allows individuals to allocate their time more efficiently and focus on tasks in a quieter environment. Furthermore, remote work can mitigate potential workplace conflicts by providing a physical distance between employees who may not get along well. For instance, a friend's father chose to work from home to avoid the noisy atmosphere of his office with over a hundred people and certain colleagues he did not particularly like. By working remotely, he found that his daily routine remained relatively unchanged; however, he gained greater flexibility in managing his personal life, such as going to the gym without being burdened by additional tasks assigned by his boss. (193 words)

Revised essay: Section Title: Remote Work: A Boon or a Bane? (I changed the title to better reflect the content of the essay and to make it more engaging)

The professor asks if remote work is beneficial, and poses an intriguing question regarding the advantages and disadvantages of remote work, eliciting contrasting opinions from two students think differently. (I rephrased this sentence to make it sound more natural). One student thinks perceives remote work as advantageous due to the time saved on commuting and increased flexibility in scheduling (I revised this part for clarity). Conversely, the other student argues that it is a good idea because she spends hinders relationship-building and effective collaboration, which could potentially limit career growth (I rephrased this sentence for better flow).

Personally, I believe that remote work offers numerous benefits, including the elimination of time-consuming morning routines and commutes (I rephrased this part for clarity). Working from home allows individuals to allocate their time commenting and has more flexible schedules. The other student thinks it's a bad idea because it's hard to build relationships and collaborate effectively. ¶ In my opinion, I think efficiently and focus on tasks in a quieter environment (I revised this sentence for better flow). Furthermore, remote work can mitigate potential workplace conflicts by providing a physical distance between employees who may not get along well (I rephrased this part for clarity). For instance, a friend's father chose to work from home to avoid the noisy atmosphere of his office with over a hundred people and certain colleagues he did not particularly like (I revised this sentence for better flow). By working remotely, he found that remote work is beneficial because you don’t need to wake up earlier, get dressed, and go to work. Working at home saves more time, and it will help you work better because you are his daily routine remained relatively unchanged; however, he gained greater flexibility in a quieter space. Going out to work will affect you a lot because some employees maybe don’t like you and they want to get you in a lot of trouble. So stay at home and socialize with people you don’t like. For example, my friend's dad works in his house because he thinks competition is so loud because there are more than a hundred people. Also, there are some people in the company that he doesn’t really like, and working at home helps him stay away from them. He said that working at home is just like a normal day, but he will have more flexible time so he can go to the gym, and the managing his personal life, such as going to the gym without being burdened by additional tasks assigned by his boss can’t give him extra work to do.(I rephrased this part for clarity and better flow).

8 思维导图

Remote Work: A Boon or a Bane?
├─ Advantages
│   ├─ Time saved on commuting
│   ├─ Increased flexibility in scheduling
│   └─ Quieter work environment
└─ Disadvantages
    ├─ Hindered relationship-building
    ├─ Less effective collaboration
    └─ Potential limits on career growth

9 关键词