TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on social studies. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 28

3. 任务完成度

这篇文章基本上完成了任务要求，表达了作者的观点，并且提供了一些论据。但是，为了更好地支持观点，可以增加更多具体的例子和细节。此外，可以适当使用一些连接词来使文章更连贯。

示例1： 原文：What's more, people typically have an inert lifestyle, either spending eight hours sitting in front of a computer responding various duties or playing video game in bed. 改进：Furthermore, people nowadays tend to lead a sedentary lifestyle, as they often spend long hours sitting in front of a computer for work or leisure activities such as playing video games.

示例2： 原文：So I am firmly believe that it is more challenging for people to maintian good health today. 改进：Therefore, I firmly believe that maintaining good health has become more challenging for people today due to these factors.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面还有一定的提升空间。虽然文章包含了引言、主体和结论，但是可以通过使用更清晰的段落主题句和过渡词来使文章更有条理。

建议1： 在每个段落开头明确表达该段落讨论的主题，以帮助读者更好地理解文章的结构。

示例1： 原文：Hence, I concur with Paul's perspective that we are nowadays more vulnerable than before. 改进：In light of these arguments, I agree with Paul's perspective that maintaining good health has become more challenging in today's society.

建议2： 使用过渡词和短语来连接不同的观点和段落，使文章更连贯。

示例2： 原文：Specifically, I would like to emphasize that people are easily indulging themselves in sugary treats than before given the prevalence of food delivery system. 改进：In particular, one contributing factor is the ease with which people can indulge in unhealthy foods due to the widespread availability of food delivery services.

5. 语法批改

While modern people have easier access to the healthcare system, as Claire mentioned, it does not necessarily guaranteesguarantee(Non-infinitive verb after did/does) good health as good health is affected by complex factors not only that treatment condition but also one's lifestyle and eating habits. Hence, I concur with Paul's perspective that we are nowadays more vulnerable than before. Specifically, I would like to emphasize that people are easily indulging themselves in sugary treats than before given the prevalence of food delivery system. What's more, people typically have an inert lifetylelifestyle(misspelling), either spending eight hours sitting in front of a computer responding variousto various(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) duties or playing videoa video(This rule identifies whether the article 'a' is missing in a sentence.) game in bed. As a result, they have less physical exercises than before. SoSo,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) I am firmly believebelieved(Agreement: 'been' or 'was' + past tense) that it is more challenging for people to maintianmaintain(misspelling) good health today.

Title: 6 文章修订

In contemporary society, although individuals have greater access to healthcare and resources, maintaining good health has become increasingly challenging due to various lifestyle factors. I agree with Paul's assertion that modern conveniences have led to a more sedentary way of life, as people often indulge in unhealthy dietary choices facilitated by food delivery services and spend excessive time on screens for work or leisure. Consequently, physical activity has diminished significantly compared to previous generations. Therefore, despite advancements in healthcare and economic prosperity, the complexities of modern living make it more difficult for individuals to maintain optimal health today. (101 words)

While modern people In contemporary society, although individuals have easier greater access to the healthcare system, as Claire mentioned, it does not necessarily guarantees and resources (revised for clarity and conciseness), maintaining good health as good health is affected by complex has become increasingly challenging due to various lifestyle factors not only that treatment condition but also one's lifestyle and eating habits. Hence, (revised for clarity). I concur agree with Paul's perspective assertion that we are nowadays modern conveniences have led to a more vulnerable than before. Specifically, I would like to emphasize that sedentary way of life (rephrased for better flow), as people are easily indulging themselves often indulge in sugary treats than before given the prevalence of unhealthy dietary choices facilitated by food delivery system. What's more, people typically have an inert lifetyle, either spending eight hours sitting services (revised for clarity) and spend excessive time on screens for work or leisure (rephrased for better flow). Consequently, physical activity has diminished significantly compared to previous generations (revised for clarity and conciseness). Therefore, despite advancements in front healthcare and economic prosperity (added context), the complexities of a computer responding various duties or playing video game in bed. As a result, they have less physical exercises than before. So I am firmly believe that modern living make it is more challenging difficult for people individuals to maintian good maintain optimal health today.today (rephrased for better flow).

8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Contemporary society
   - Access to healthcare and resources
   - Lifestyle factors

2. Modern conveniences
   - Sedentary way of life
   - Unhealthy dietary choices
       * Food delivery services

3. Screen time
   - Work or leisure activities
   - Reduced physical activity

4. Comparison to previous generations
   - Decreased physical activity levels

5. Advancements in healthcare and economic prosperity

6. Complexities of modern living

7. Difficulty in maintaining optimal health today

8. Conclusion

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得还不错，表达了作者的观点，并对讨论做出了贡献。但是，文章中存在一些语法错误和用词不当的地方，需要改进。此外，观点的阐述也可以更详细一些。

改进建议（英文示例）：

1. "Admittedly, Sarah is right when social meida has caused more harm than good" -> "Admittedly, Sarah is right that social media has caused more harm than good"

2. "doing every is becoming easier" -> "doing everything has become easier"

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构基本上是清晰的，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在段落之间缺乏明确的过渡，使得文章的逻辑组织不够紧密。建议在段落之间添加过渡词或短语来增强连贯性。

改进建议（英文示例）：

1. 在第二段开头添加过渡词：“However, I believe that social media...”

2. 在第三段开头添加过渡词：“In other words, ...”

5. 语法批改

Admittedly, Sarah is right when social meidamade(misspelling) has caused more harm than good, because it may affect people's emotion and bring them anxiety and depression. After all, some people believe that social media decrease the chance people talk with others belong side. Nevertheless, I think social media makes people's life much more easiereasier(No 'more' or 'most' before comparatives) and cause more good than harm. In my opinion, social media makes the life more efficient and doing every is becoming easier than ever before. In other words, people can obtain any information they want from social media anytime at anywhere. It takes less time to find some knowledgesknowledge(misspelling) thoughttaught(Detects potentially wrong usage of "thought" instead of "taught") social media than traditional ways. For example, a colledgecollege(misspelling) student can find a review in a few minutes, but if this student wants to find it in librarythe library(This rule identifies whether the article 'the' is missing in a sentence.), it may use all day. Therefore, social media does improvedimprove(Non-infinitive verb after did/does) our life and cause more good than harm.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

While Sarah raises valid concerns about the negative effects of social media, such as its potential to cause anxiety and depression, I believe that the benefits of social media far outweigh its drawbacks. In my view, social media has significantly enhanced our lives by making communication and information sharing more efficient and accessible. People can now obtain any information they desire from social media at any time and from any location. This efficiency is exemplified by the ease with which college students can find resources for their studies; a task that once took hours in a library can now be accomplished within minutes through social media platforms. Consequently, I argue that social media has indeed improved our lives and brought about more good than harm. (130 words)

Admittedly, Revised essay: Section Title: 7 Article Revision

While Sarah is right when raises valid concerns about the negative effects of social meida has caused more harm than good, because it may affect people's emotion and bring them media, such as its potential to cause anxiety and depression. After all, some people depression (clarified the meaning), I believe that the benefits of social media decrease the chance people talk with others belong side. Nevertheless, I think far outweigh its drawbacks. In my view, social media makes people's life much more easier has significantly enhanced our lives by making communication and cause more good than harm. In my opinion, social media makes the life information sharing more efficient and doing every is becoming easier than ever before. In other words, people accessible (improved sentence structure). People can now obtain any information they want desire from social media anytime at anywhere. It takes less any time to and from any location (corrected grammar). This efficiency is exemplified by the ease with which college students can find some knowledges thought resources for their studies; a task that once took hours in a library can now be accomplished within minutes through social media than traditional ways. For example, a colledge student can find a review in a few minutes, but if this student wants to find it in library, it may use all day. Therefore, platforms (improved sentence flow). Consequently, I argue that social media does has indeed improved our life lives and cause brought about more good than harm.harm (rephrased for clarity).

Display title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Benefits outweigh drawbacks
   - Enhanced communication and information sharing

2. Communication
   - Efficient and accessible
   - Connect with people globally

3. Information Sharing
   - Obtain information anytime, anywhere
   - Example: College students finding resources

4. Mental Health Concerns
   - Acknowledge anxiety and depression issues
   - Balance with positive aspects

5. Conclusion
   - Social media improves lives overall

Display title: 9 关键词