TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on public health. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得很好，表达了作者的观点，并提供了一些支持观点的论据。然而，文章可以在以下方面进行改进：首先，在论证方面可以更具体，例如提供更多关于过去和现在生活方式的对比。其次，文章中有一些语法错误和不太自然的表达，需要进行修改。

改进示例：

1. Instead of "Taking on too much workload in order to attain better lives impact both physical and mental health.", you can write "Taking on excessive workloads in pursuit of a better life negatively impacts both physical and mental health."

2. Instead of "the grains planted in the soil have been polluted by sewage make people easier to get sick.", you can write "Grains grown in polluted soil due to sewage contamination increase the likelihood of people getting sick."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面基本合理，包括引言、正文和结论。但是，在以下方面还有改进空间：首先，引言部分可以更明确地指出文章将讨论哪些方面；其次，在段落之间加入过渡句子，使文章更连贯。

改进示例：

1. 在引言部分，可以写：“在本文中，我将讨论现代生活方式和环境因素对人们健康的影响，以证明现在比过去更难保持健康。”

2. 在段落之间加入过渡句子，例如：“除了工作压力和生活方式的影响之外，环境污染也是导致现代人健康状况恶化的重要原因。”

5. 语法批改

Although nowadaysnowadays,(Comma after 'nowadays) people have easier accesses to modern health facilities and organic food, and acquire more awareness of healthcare, I do believe that it is more difficult to maintain healthy at present than in the past. To begin with, people nowadays are overwhelmed with overload work and suffer greater pressure than before. Taking on too much workload in order to attain better lives impact both physical and mental health. Therefore, they are more likely to suffer great pain resulting from sitting too long, severe depression resulting from overloaded work. Additionally, with the advancement of technology, more and more fossil fuels are putting into use to operate the industries. As a result, this revolution has brought about heavy air pollution and soil erosion. For instance, the exposure to toxic gas has led to more possibilities of cancer. And also, the grains planted in the soil have been polluted by sewage maketo make(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) people easier to get sick.

Title: 6 文章修订

Despite the availability of modern healthcare facilities, organic food, and increased health awareness, I contend that maintaining good health is more challenging today than in the past. One contributing factor is the overwhelming workload and pressure experienced by individuals in contemporary society. Striving for better lives often leads to physical and mental health issues, such as pain from prolonged sitting or severe depression from excessive work demands.

Moreover, technological advancements have led to an increased reliance on fossil fuels to power industries, resulting in significant environmental consequences. For example, air pollution from industrial emissions increases the risk of cancer due to exposure to toxic gases. Additionally, soil erosion and contamination from sewage can affect crop quality, making it more likely for people to fall ill from consuming polluted produce. (132 words)

Although nowadays Despite the availability of modern healthcare facilities, organic food, and increased health awareness [clarification: specifying what people have easier accesses to modern access to], I contend that maintaining good health facilities and organic food, and acquire more awareness of healthcare, I do believe that it is more difficult to maintain healthy at present challenging today than in the past. To begin with, people nowadays are overwhelmed with overload work One contributing factor is the overwhelming workload and suffer greater pressure than before. Taking on too much workload experienced by individuals in order to attain contemporary society [word choice: using "contemporary society" instead of "nowadays" for a more formal tone]. Striving for better lives impact both often leads to physical and mental health. Therefore, they are more likely to suffer great health issues, such as pain resulting from prolonged sitting too long, or severe depression resulting from overloaded work. Additionally, with excessive work demands [rephrasing: making the advancement of technology, sentence more concise and more clear].

Moreover, technological advancements have led to an increased reliance on fossil fuels are putting to power industries [word choice: using "reliance" instead of "putting into use to operate the industries. As a result, this revolution has brought about heavy use"], resulting in significant environmental consequences. For example, air pollution and soil erosion. For instance, from industrial emissions increases the risk of cancer due to exposure to toxic gas has led gases [rephrasing: making the sentence more concise and clear]. Additionally, soil erosion and contamination from sewage can affect crop quality [word choice: using "crop quality" instead of "grains planted"], making it more likely for people to fall ill from consuming polluted produce [rephrasing: making the sentence more possibilities of cancer. And also, the grains planted in the soil have been polluted by sewage make people easier to get sick.concise and clear].

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Modern healthcare facilities
   - Organic food
   - Health awareness

2. Workload and pressure
   - Striving for better lives
   - Physical health issues (e.g., pain from prolonged sitting)
   - Mental health issues (e.g., depression from excessive work demands)

3. Technological advancements and environmental consequences
   - Increased reliance on fossil fuels
   - Air pollution and risk of cancer
   - Soil erosion and contamination affecting crop quality

4. Conclusion
   - Maintaining good health is more challenging today than in the past due to various factors.

Title: 9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

整体来说，你的文章回答了问题，并提供了一些支持观点的论据。然而，你可以进一步改进以下方面：在论述中加入更多具体的例子和细节，以增强说服力；尝试使用更丰富的词汇和语法结构，以提高文章的语言质量。

示例1（英文）： Instead of "improved healthcare will provide people with opportunities to take effective medicine," you could write, "Modern healthcare advancements, such as vaccines and antibiotics, have significantly reduced the prevalence of life-threatening diseases."

示例2（英文）： Instead of "people learn about what food will contribute to diseases such as unspoiled mushrooms," you could write, "Nowadays, people have a better understanding of the relationship between diet and health, allowing them to make informed choices about what they consume."

4. 文章结构与组织

从组织结构上看，你的文章基本上具备了引言、正文和结论的结构。但是，在段落之间添加更明确的过渡句子可以使文章更连贯。此外，可以尝试将每个段落聚焦在一个具体观点上，并用详细的例子加以支持。

建议1（简体中文）： 在段落之间添加过渡句子，使文章更连贯。

示例1（英文）： Add a transition sentence like, "While advancements in healthcare play a significant role, increased knowledge about nutrition also contributes to better health today."

建议2（简体中文）： 将每个段落聚焦在一个具体观点上，并用详细的例子加以支持。

示例2（英文）： Instead of combining healthcare and nutrition in one paragraph, create separate paragraphs for each point. For example, "One major factor contributing to better health today is the advancements in medical technology. Vaccines and antibiotics have significantly reduced the prevalence of life-threatening diseases..."

5. 语法批改

I believe that at present it is easier for people to stay in a healthy condition, since the development of medical technology and accumulations of experience can help us recover more likely. To elaborate, improved healthcare will provide people with opportunities to take effective medicine and receive precise surgeries, which was impossible for people living in the past. Without these methods, many people can't survive server disease. Besides, with the accumulation of experience, people learn about what food will contribute to diseasesdiseases,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) such as unspoiled mushrooms. As a result, people living at present gain more experience to avoid possible diseases. In light of these reasons, I maintain that people living at present are more likely to stay in a healthy condition.

Title: 6 文章修订

In my opinion, it is easier for individuals to maintain good health in the present era due to advancements in medical technology and the accumulation of knowledge.

Firstly, contemporary healthcare offers people access to effective medications and precise surgical procedures that were unavailable in the past. These modern treatments increase the likelihood of recovery from severe illnesses and contribute to overall well-being. Secondly, over time, we have gained a better understanding of the relationship between nutrition and health. This knowledge enables us to make informed choices about our diets, such as avoiding potentially harmful foods like spoiled mushrooms.

Considering these factors, I assert that individuals living in the present have a greater likelihood of maintaining a healthy lifestyle compared to those in previous generations. (127 words)

I believe that at In my opinion, it is easier for individuals to maintain good health in the present it is easier for people to stay in a healthy condition, since the development of era (reason: "at present" sounds less formal and "people" is replaced with "individuals" for variety) due to advancements in medical technology and accumulations of experience can help the accumulation of knowledge (reason: "accumulations of experience" is rephrased for clarity).

Firstly, contemporary healthcare (reason: "improved healthcare" is replaced with a more specific term) offers people access to effective medications and precise surgical procedures (reason: "medicine" and "surgeries" are replaced with more accurate terms) that were unavailable in the past. These modern treatments increase the likelihood of recovery from severe illnesses (reason: "server disease" is corrected to its proper form) and contribute to overall well-being. Secondly, over time, we have gained a better understanding of the relationship between nutrition and health (reason: rephrased for clarity). This knowledge enables us recover more likely. ¶ To elaborate, improved healthcare will provide people with opportunities to take effective medicine and receive precise surgeries, which was impossible for people living in the past. Without these methods, many people can't survive server disease. Besides, with the accumulation of experience, people learn to make informed choices about what food will contribute to diseases our diets, such as unspoiled mushrooms. As a result, people avoiding potentially harmful foods like spoiled mushrooms (reason: rephrased for clarity).

Considering these factors, I assert that individuals living at in the present gain more experience to avoid possible diseases. ¶ In light of these reasons, I maintain that people living at present are more likely to stay in have a greater likelihood of maintaining a healthy condition.lifestyle compared to those in previous generations (reason: rephrased for clarity and cohesion).

8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Advancements in medical technology
   - Accumulation of knowledge

2. Contemporary Healthcare
   - Access to effective medications
   - Precise surgical procedures

3. Nutrition and Health
   - Better understanding of relationship
   - Informed choices about diets

4. Conclusion
   - Greater likelihood of maintaining a healthy lifestyle in the present era

9 关键词