TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on career readiness. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1.子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2.预估分数

• 27

3.任务完成度 整体来说，这篇文章较好地回答了问题，并表达了对大公司和创业公司的看法。但是，为了更好地完成任务，可以在论述中加入更多具体的例子和细节。此外，在表达观点时尽量使用自己的话，而不是直接引用原文中的观点。

示例1：

• 在讨论大公司的优势时，可以提到更多具体的例子，如员工福利、培训机会等。 示例2：

• 在讨论创业公司的风险时，可以举一些具体的案例来说明经济危机对新兴公司造成的影响。

4.文章结构与组织 文章结构方面，有明确的开头、主体和结尾。然而，在组织上还有改进空间。建议在段落之间加入过渡句子以增强连贯性，并确保每个段落都集中讨论一个特定观点及其支持细节。

示例1：

• 在第二段和第三段之间加入过渡句子：“虽然在大公司工作有诸多优势，但创业公司也有其吸引力。” 示例2：

• 在讨论大公司优势的段落中，可以先列出几个优点，然后逐一详细论述。例如：“首先，大公司往往提供更好的员工福利；其次，大公司通常有更完善的培训体系……”

5. 语法批改

From my perspective, I would prefer the older and well-known company to be the beginingbeginning(misspelling) of my career. I agree with Kelly that the established company will proviedeprovide(misspelling) better working experience and also conducive to your future career. The acception[No Replacement Word Found](misspelling) from ana(Use of 'a' vs. 'an') famous company that has a high status in the field is another kind of evidence to prove your stand-out ability. Additionally, as there are lot ofa lot of((a) bunch of) experienced co-workers working together with you, great access is provided there to take you truelytruly(misspelling) get into this job. For example, you can learn the strategies to dealing with real customers or how to communicate more efficiently. Although Andrew makes a valid point that the new company may have more passions and fresh ideas, it is deniable that you need to take more risk at the same time. Since the company just started, it dodoes('it' + non-3rd person verb) not have steady basis. Once some accidents, such as economic crisis, happens, the current chain will brokebreak(Non-infinitive verb after modal verbs) and, and(comma between independent clauses) you will lose your job consequently. At that time, it would be difficult to get another good position.

6.文章修订

In my opinion, beginning a career at an older and well-established company would be more advantageous for recent university graduates. I concur with Kelly's viewpoint that working for a reputable organization not only provides valuable experience but also enhances one's resume. Being employed by a prestigious company serves as evidence of one's exceptional abilities. Furthermore, the opportunity to collaborate with experienced colleagues allows for a smoother transition into the workforce, as they can impart essential skills such as effective communication and customer relations strategies.

While Andrew raises a valid point regarding the excitement and innovation often found in start-up companies, it is important to consider the inherent risks associated with such ventures. As these organizations lack a stable foundation, they are more susceptible to disruptions caused by unforeseen events like economic crises. Consequently, employees may face job loss and difficulty securing another suitable position.

To strike a balance between these perspectives, it is crucial for recent graduates to weigh the benefits of stability and reputation offered by established companies against the dynamic environment and potential growth opportunities presented by start-ups before making their decision. (185 words)

From 7.文章批改

In my perspective, opinion, beginning a career at an older and well-established company would be more advantageous for recent university graduates. (Changed "From my perspective" to "In my opinion" for a more formal tone) I would prefer the older and well-known concur with Kelly's viewpoint that working for a reputable organization not only provides valuable experience but also enhances one's resume. (Reworded to make the sentence flow better) Being employed by a prestigious company to be the begining serves as evidence of my career. one's exceptional abilities. Furthermore, the opportunity to collaborate with experienced colleagues allows for a smoother transition into the workforce, as they can impart essential skills such as effective communication and customer relations strategies. (Improved sentence structure and added details)

I agree with Kelly that the established company will proviede better working experience and also conducive to your future career. The acception from an famous company that has a high status in the field is another kind of evidence to prove your stand-out ability. Additionally, as there are lot of experienced co-workers working together with you, great access is provided there to take you truely get into this job. For example, you can learn the strategies to dealing with real customers or how to communicate more efficiently. ¶ Although While Andrew makes raises a valid point that the new company may have more passions and fresh ideas, regarding the excitement and innovation often found in start-up companies, it is deniable that you need to take important to consider the inherent risks associated with such ventures. (Reworded for clarity) As these organizations lack a stable foundation, they are more risk at the same time. Since the company just started, susceptible to disruptions caused by unforeseen events like economic crises. Consequently, employees may face job loss and difficulty securing another suitable position. (Improved sentence structure)

To strike a balance between these perspectives, it do not have steady basis. Once some accidents, such as economic crisis, happens, the current chain will broke and you will lose your job consequently. At that time, it would be difficult to get another good position.is crucial for recent graduates to weigh the benefits of stability and reputation offered by established companies against the dynamic environment and potential growth opportunities presented by start-ups before making their decision. (Rephrased for better flow and clarity)

8.思维导图

• Introduction

  • Opinion: older and well-established company

• Advantages of established companies

  • Reputable organization
  • Valuable experience
  • Enhanced resume
  • Collaboration with experienced colleagues
  • Essential skills development

• Risks of start-up companies

  • Inherent risks
  • Lack of stable foundation
  • Susceptible to disruptions (e.g., economic crises)
  • Job loss and difficulty securing a new position

• Balancing perspectives

  • Weighing benefits and risks before making a decision

9.关键词