TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on public health. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

从任务完成度的角度来看，这篇文章在很大程度上回答了教授的问题，并表达了作者的观点。然而，为了更好地回应讨论，建议在文章中加入更多与健康相关的具体例子和细节。此外，尽量避免使用过于复杂的句子结构，以便让读者更容易理解你的观点。

改进示例1（英文）： Instead of just mentioning "financial burden," you could provide specific examples of how modern lifestyles contribute to poor health, such as the prevalence of fast food, long working hours, and exposure to pollution.

改进示例2（英文）： To make your argument stronger, you could also discuss the advancements in medical technology and healthcare access in modern times but explain why these factors may not necessarily lead to better overall health for individuals.

4. 文章结构与组织

从组织结构方面来看，这篇文章具有清晰的结构，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在正文部分，可以考虑将每个段落聚焦在一个具体观点上，并提供相应的支持细节。同时，在段落之间使用明确的过渡词，使文章更具逻辑性。

改进建议1（简体中文）： 在正文部分，将每个段落聚焦在一个具体观点上，并提供相应的支持细节。例如，可以分别讨论现代生活中的心理压力、饮食问题和缺乏锻炼等方面对健康的影响。

改进示例1（英文）： In the first body paragraph, focus on the impact of mental stress on health in modern times, providing specific examples such as job-related stress and social media pressure. In the second body paragraph, discuss how unhealthy diets and lack of exercise contribute to poor health in contemporary society.

改进建议2（简体中文）： 在段落之间使用明确的过渡词，使文章更具逻辑性。例如，在讨论现代生活中心理压力对健康的影响之后，可以使用过渡词如“此外”或“同时”来引入下一个观点。

改进示例2（英文）： After discussing the impact of mental stress on health in modern times, use transition words like "Furthermore" or "Additionally" to introduce your next point about unhealthy diets and lack of exercise in contemporary society.

5. 语法批改

In response to the professor's inquiry, I concur with Jonah's perspective that people living in the past havehad a better health situation than modern people. To begin with, people suffer much more mental stressesstress nowadays, as they have loads of work to do and participate trainingsin training to enhance their working competitivecompetitiveness to get a job, ultimately having less leisure time to explore their passions and interests. It is also evident that individuals must complete lots of work to support their lives, because they need to pay for the bills, health insurance, and rents.rent. In this case, with the financial burden, folks have no opportunity to allocate their time toward outdoor activities to get a refresh, leading to a high level of mental pressure, consequently becomebecoming frustrated and anxiety.anxious. On the other hand, people in the past had less stress, as there was less competitive incompetition at that time, so all of people could get a job regardless of their educational background or their age.

Title: 6 文章修订

In response to the professor's inquiry, I concur with Jonah's perspective that individuals in the past experienced better health conditions than those in modern times.

To begin with, people today face significantly more mental stress due to various factors, such as increased workloads and the constant need for professional development to remain competitive in the job market. This ultimately leaves them with less leisure time to pursue their passions and interests. Moreover, individuals must work tirelessly to support their lives, as they need to cover expenses such as bills, health insurance, and rent. Consequently, the financial burden prevents them from allocating time for outdoor activities that provide relaxation and rejuvenation. This leads to heightened mental pressure, which can result in feelings of frustration and anxiety. In contrast, people in the past experienced less stress due to a less competitive environment; thus, individuals could secure employment regardless of their educational background or age. (155 words)

In response to the professor's inquiry, I concur with Jonah's perspective that people individuals in the past experienced better health conditions (Changed "people living in the past have a better health situation situation" to "individuals in the past experienced better health conditions" for clarity and natural tone) than those in modern people. times.

To begin with, people today face significantly more mental stress (Changed "people suffer much more mental stresses nowadays, nowadays" to "people today face significantly more mental stress" for a natural tone) due to various factors, such as they have loads of work to do and participate increased workloads and the constant need for professional development (Changed "participate trainings to enhance their working competitive" to "the constant need for professional development" for clarity and natural tone) to remain competitive to get a job, in the job market. This ultimately having leaves them with less leisure time to explore pursue their passions and interests. It is also evident that Moreover, individuals must complete work tirelessly (Changed "complete lots of work work" to "work tirelessly" for a natural tone) to support their lives, because as they need to pay for the cover expenses such as bills, health insurance, and rents. In this case, with rent. Consequently, the financial burden, folks have no opportunity to allocate their burden prevents them from allocating time toward for outdoor activities to that provide relaxation and rejuvenation (Changed "to get a refresh, leading to a high level refresh" to "that provide relaxation and rejuvenation" for clarity and natural tone). This leads to heightened mental pressure, which can result in feelings of mental pressure, consequently become frustrated frustration and anxiety. On the other hand, In contrast, people in the past had experienced less stress, as there was stress due to a less competitive in that time, so all of people environment; thus, individuals could get a job secure employment regardless of their educational background or their age.age (Rephrased sentence for clarity and natural tone).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Agree with Jonah's perspective
   - Past vs. modern health conditions

2. Mental Stress
   - Increased workloads
   - Constant need for professional development
   - Less leisure time

3. Financial Burden
   - Bills, health insurance, rent
   - Less time for outdoor activities

4. Mental Pressure Consequences
   - Frustration and anxiety

5. Past Health Conditions
   - Less competitive environment
   - Easier employment opportunities

6. Conclusion
   - Comparison of past and modern health conditions

Title: 9 关键词