TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on humanity. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在任务完成方面做得不错，但仍有改进的空间。首先，你需要更清楚地表达自己的观点，并提供更多具体的例子来支持你的论点。此外，尽量避免使用重复的词汇和表达，以增加文章的语言多样性。

Example 1: Instead of "Technology products such as smart phone and computer, make it easier for everyone to interact.", you could write "Technological advancements, including smartphones and computers, have facilitated seamless interaction among individuals."

Example 2: Instead of "Take teleconference as an example.", you could write "For instance, teleconferencing has revolutionized the way meetings are conducted."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面，你需要更明确地划分段落，并确保每个段落都集中讨论一个特定的观点。此外，在段落之间使用过渡词或短语可以使文章更连贯。最后，请确保你的结论简洁明了，总结了整篇文章的主要观点。

Example 1: You could start a new paragraph with "Take teleconference as an example." to separate it from the previous idea.

Example 2: Add a conclusion paragraph like this: "In conclusion, although modern technology has led to a faster-paced lifestyle, it is still essential for individuals to maintain politeness in their interactions. By adapting to new communication methods and respecting others, we can create a more harmonious society."

5. 语法批改

I concur with Aldrich's viewpoint for the reason that todaytoday,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) advanced technology shrinks distance between us and makes communication more convenient. Technology productsproducts,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) such as smart phonesmartphone(Recommended compounds (smartphone, website, …)) and computer, make it easier for everyone to interact. No mattermatter,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) making an appointment with dentists or discuss a question with professor. Such approaches do not include some polite manner like greeingagreeing(misspelling) word and so on, but save people's time to relizerealize(misspelling) the purpose. Take teleconference as an example. Everyone have to at present in traditional meetings with formal appearance and systematic organizations, when someone may get late due to bad weather or postponed flight. On the contrary, teleconference, a reletivelyrelatively(misspelling) unformalinformal(misspelling) approach of meeting, does not acquire anything but a laptop, at any time and in any place, providing much convenience to people.

Section Title: 6 文章修订

Revised Essay: I agree with Aldrich's perspective, as advanced technology has significantly reduced the distance between us and made communication more convenient. Technological devices, such as smartphones and computers, have simplified interactions for everyone. Whether it's scheduling a dentist appointment or discussing a question with a professor, these methods may not include traditional polite gestures but ultimately save time and achieve the desired outcome. For instance, consider teleconferencing. In traditional meetings, attendees must be physically present, dressed formally, and adhere to structured organization; however, factors like inclement weather or delayed flights can cause delays. In contrast, teleconferencing—a relatively informal meeting approach—requires only a laptop and can be conducted anytime and anywhere, offering significant convenience to participants. (120 words)

I concur agree with Aldrich's viewpoint perspective (Changed "viewpoint" to "perspective" for the reason that today a more natural tone), as advanced technology shrinks has significantly reduced the distance between us and makes made communication more convenient. Technology products Technological devices, such as smart phone smartphones and computer, make it easier computers (Rephrased "technology products" to "technological devices" for everyone to interact. No matter making an clarity), have simplified interactions for everyone. Whether it's scheduling a dentist appointment with dentists or discuss discussing a question with professor. Such approaches do a professor (Improved sentence structure for better flow), these methods may not include some traditional polite manner gestures but ultimately save time and achieve the desired outcome (Clarified meaning and improved sentence structure). For instance, consider teleconferencing (Added transition for better flow). In traditional meetings, attendees must be physically present, dressed formally, and adhere to structured organization; however, factors like greeing word and so on, but save people's time to relize the purpose. Take teleconference as an example. Everyone have to at present in traditional meetings with formal appearance and systematic organizations, when someone may get late due to bad inclement weather or postponed flight. On the contrary, teleconference, delayed flights can cause delays (Improved sentence structure for clarity). In contrast, teleconferencing—a relatively informal meeting approach—requires only a reletively unformal approach laptop and can be conducted anytime and anywhere (Corrected spelling of meeting, does not acquire anything but a laptop, at any time and in any place, providing much "reletively unformal" to "relatively informal"), offering significant convenience to people.participants.

8 思维导图

- 主题: 高科技与礼貌之间的关系
  - 支持Aldrich观点
    - 高科技缩短了距离
    - 通讯更加便捷
  - 技术设备简化互动
    - 智能手机和电脑
    - 预约牙医或向教授提问等场景
  - 节省时间和达到目的
    - 不包括传统礼貌手势
    - 更高效的沟通方式
  - 对比例子: 传统会议与电话会议
    - 传统会议要求现场、正式着装、结构化组织等因素可能导致延误
    - 电话会议不受地点限制，只需笔记本电脑，方便参与者

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 27

3. 任务完成度

整体来说，你的文章回答了教授的问题，并提供了有力的论据。但是，你在文章中提到了与Amy观点一致，实际上应该是与Student B观点一致。为了更好地完成任务，请注意确保观点的准确性。此外，在提供例子时，尽量使用更具说服力和相关性的例子。

示例1（改进）：我同意Student B的观点，认为现代年轻人变得更加独立。许多年轻人在学校期间就开始兼职工作或创业，不再依赖父母经济支持。

示例2（改进）：例如，在过去的十年里，越来越多的年轻人选择在大学期间出国留学，这表明他们有能力独立生活和解决问题。

4. 文章结构与组织

你的文章结构清晰，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在组织上还有改进空间。首先，在引言部分明确表达自己的观点，并简要概述论据。其次，在正文部分，可以使用段落更明确地阐述论点和支持细节。最后，在结论部分，总结观点并重申论据。

示例1（改进）：引言：在这个问题上，我同意Student B的观点，并认为现代年轻人已经变得更加独立。这主要归功于科技的发展和年轻人自身的努力。

示例2（改进）：正文：首先，科技的发展使年轻人能够更方便地获取信息和资源。例如，他们可以通过互联网学习独立生活所需的技能，如烹饪、洗衣等。其次，越来越多的年轻人在学校期间就开始兼职工作或创业，这有助于培养他们的独立能力和责任感。

5. 语法批改

I firmly believe that young people become more independent nowadays, aligning with Amy's perspective. I would like to further argue that the advancements in technology make it more convenient for young people to get informationsinformation(legal term: informations), leading to the development of their independence. With the help of technology, young people can not only search anything they interest in on the Internet, they even can also help some aged people, such as their grandparents, to get information. Consequently, they can make more decisions by themselves, indicating an independent ability. For instance, I once found an internship job, which is in Beijing that far from my hometown, on the online website in my university. And I bought the plane ticket and rented a room in Beijing with the help of application. Finally, I succeed to enter the internship without asking help from my parents. Obviously, technology allows young people to become more independent.

Section Title: 6 文章修订

In my opinion, young people today are becoming more independent, contrary to Amy's perspective. I would like to argue that technological advancements have significantly contributed to the development of their independence. The accessibility of information through technology enables young individuals not only to explore their interests but also assist older generations, such as their grandparents, in obtaining information. As a result, they can make more informed decisions independently. For example, I once secured an internship in Beijing, far from my hometown, through my university's online platform. Utilizing various applications, I managed to purchase a plane ticket and rent a room in Beijing without seeking assistance from my parents. Evidently, technology plays a crucial role in fostering independence among young people. (124 words)

I firmly believe that In my opinion, young people become today are becoming more independent nowadays, aligning with independent, contrary to Amy's perspective. perspective (Changed "aligning with" to "contrary to" for clarity and better flow). I would like to further argue that the technological advancements in technology make it more convenient for young people to get informations, leading have significantly contributed to the development of their independence. With the help independence (Rephrased for better sentence structure). The accessibility of technology, information through technology enables young people can individuals not only search anything they interest in on the Internet, they even can to explore their interests but also help some aged people, assist older generations, such as their grandparents, to get information. Consequently, in obtaining information (Improved sentence structure and clarity). As a result, they can make more informed decisions by themselves, indicating an independent ability. independently (Simplified phrasing for clarity). For instance, example, I once found secured an internship job, which is in Beijing that Beijing, far from my hometown, on through my university's online platform (Clarified the online website in my university. And sentence and removed unnecessary details). Utilizing various applications, I bought the managed to purchase a plane ticket and rented rent a room in Beijing with the help of application. Finally, I succeed to enter the internship without asking help seeking assistance from my parents. Obviously, parents (Revised for better flow and clarity). Evidently, technology allows plays a crucial role in fostering independence among young people to become more independent.(Concluded the paragraph with a clear statement summarizing the main point).

8 思维导图

- 主题: 青年独立性与技术的关系
  - 技术进步
    - 信息获取能力
      - 探索兴趣
      - 帮助长辈获取信息
  - 独立决策
    - 实例: 北京实习经历
      - 网络平台寻找实习机会
      - 使用应用购买机票和租房子

9 关键词