TOEFL Writing Task 1 Sample: If you could make one important change in the university that you are attending, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

1.子项得分

• 任务完成度：2

• 文章结构与组织：3

• 连贯性与衔接：3

• 语言运用：3

2.预估分数

• 17

3.任务完成度 你的文章没有按照题目要求回答问题。题目要求你提出一个重要的改变，并给出理由和具体例子来支持你的观点。然而，你的文章主要讨论了大学存在的形式主义问题，没有明确提出一个具体的改变。为了提高任务完成度，请确保根据题目要求回答问题，并给出相关的理由和例子。

示例1： Instead of: "Among all the problems, what I most want to change is the formalism of the university." Try: "If I could make one important change in my university, I would reduce the number of unnecessary meetings to allow students more time for studying and personal growth."

示例2： Instead of: "In the second place, university shouldn’t just be spent on apps." Try: "Another reason for reducing unnecessary meetings is that it would encourage students to engage in more meaningful learning experiences, rather than relying solely on educational apps."

4.文章结构与组织 虽然你的文章有一定的结构，但可以进一步改进。首先，在引言部分明确提出你想要进行的改变。接下来，在正文部分，针对每个支持观点分别撰写一个段落，并给出具体例子。最后，在结论部分总结你的观点，并重申为什么这个改变是重要的。同时，确保在段落之间使用清晰的过渡词和短语。

示例1： Instead of: "First and foremost, the meetings, or better described as useless meetings, should be canceled in university." Try: "One reason for reducing unnecessary meetings is that they often waste students' valuable time. For example, students could be using this time to study or participate in extracurricular activities."

示例2： Instead of: "Last but not least, students shouldn’t be measured by college credits and credit hours in university." Try: "Finally, another benefit of reducing unnecessary meetings is that it would allow universities to focus more on meaningful assessment methods, rather than relying solely on credits and credit hours."

5. 语法批改

University education is an embodiment of human civilization,and, and(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) the level of university education reflects the degree of social civilization.However However(Missing space between sentences),nowadays, nowadays(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) some issues are also bothering universities.Among Among(Missing space between sentences) all the problems,what, what(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) I most want to change is the formalism of the university. First and foremost,the, the(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) meetings,or, or(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) better described as useless meetings,should, should(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) be canceled in university.In In(Missing space between sentences) college,not, not(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) only do we need to attend classes,but, but(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) we also need to have a variety of meetings.There There(Missing space between sentences) is no denying that some meetings are of vital importance to students.But But(Missing space between sentences) there are still abundant useless conferences pervasive in universities.Most Most(Missing space between sentences) of them are just a formality that doesn’t make much sense,and, and(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) it’s not hard to find that the majority of students immersed themselves in their phones or doing their own things during these meetings.Additionally Additionally(Missing space between sentences),formalistic, formalistic(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) meetings make our time fragmented and waste our study time.

In the second place,university, university(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) shouldn’t just be spent on apps.With With(Missing space between sentences) the development of science and intelligence technology,the, the(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) education of universities becomes smarter.We We(Missing space between sentences) download all kinds of software in order to learn more conveniently.But But(Missing space between sentences) these apps are more like a form of achieving teaching targets.On On(Missing space between sentences) the one hand,some, some(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) students may take advantage of the holes in the apps.Therefore Therefore(Missing space between sentences),they, they(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) don’t learn really useful knowledge.On On(Missing space between sentences) the other hand,using, using(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) software to complete homework reduces the contact between teachers and students.In In(Missing space between sentences) a nutshell,the, the(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) more formalisticmoralistic(misspelling) apps we use in our education,the, the(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) fewer experience we have in university.

Last but, but(Detects missing comma before "but") not least,students, students(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) shouldn’t be measured by college credits and credit hours in university.They They(Missing space between sentences) are typical representatives of formalism.It It(Missing space between sentences) is well established that the graduation is associated with credits and credit hours.Thus Thus(Missing space between sentences),lots, lots(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) of students use all means to earn credits in order to get their diploma.However However(Missing space between sentences),they, they(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) forget that the most important thing for us is not credits,but, but(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) gaining knowledge from university.

Education needs a revolution to recover its essence.Formalism Formalism(Missing space between sentences) is one of the obstacles to this revolution,and, and(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) students are the victims of formalism.Perhaps Perhaps(Missing space between sentences) what we really need to learn is not the knowledge that is existence,but, but(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) beyond the established rules of society.

Section Title: 6.文章修订

Revised Essay:

University education represents the pinnacle of human civilization, and the quality of such education reflects the degree of societal advancement. However, contemporary universities face numerous challenges. Among these issues, the one I most want to address is the prevalence of formalism within university life.

First and foremost, universities should eliminate unnecessary meetings. In college, students must attend classes and participate in various meetings. While some meetings are crucial for student development, an excessive number of unproductive conferences persist within universities. These gatherings often serve as mere formalities with little value, as evidenced by students engrossed in their phones or personal tasks during such events. Furthermore, these superfluous meetings fragment students' time and detract from their studies.

Secondly, universities should not rely solely on apps for educational purposes. As science and technology advance, university education has become increasingly digitized through various software applications designed to facilitate learning. However, these apps often serve as a means to achieve teaching targets rather than genuinely enhancing students' knowledge acquisition. On one hand, some students exploit loopholes within these apps without truly learning valuable information. On the other hand, using software to complete assignments reduces interaction between teachers and students. In essence, an overreliance on formalistic apps diminishes the overall university experience.

Lastly, universities should not evaluate students solely based on college credits and credit hours; these metrics are emblematic of formalism. Graduation requirements typically include a specific number of credits and credit hours; consequently, many students resort to any means necessary to accumulate credits for their diplomas while neglecting knowledge acquisition – the true purpose of attending university.

In conclusion, education requires a revolution to restore its core values; formalism is a significant barrier that must be overcome in this process. Students are often victims of this pervasive formalism; therefore, it is essential that we prioritize genuine learning over adherence to established societal norms. (315 words)

University education is an embodiment represents the pinnacle of human civilization,and the level of university civilization (revised for clarity and emphasis), and the quality of such education reflects the degree of social civilization.However,nowadays some issues are also bothering universities.Among all the problems,what societal advancement. However, contemporary universities face numerous challenges (revised for better word choice). Among these issues, the one I most want to change address is the prevalence of formalism of the university. within university life (revised for clarity).

First and foremost,the meetings,or better described as useless meetings,should be canceled foremost, universities should eliminate unnecessary meetings (revised for clarity). In college, students must attend classes and participate in university.In college,not only do we need to attend classes,but we also need to have a variety of meetings.There is no denying that various meetings. While some meetings are of vital importance to students.But there are still abundant useless crucial for student development, an excessive number of unproductive conferences pervasive in universities.Most of them are just a formality that doesn’t make much sense,and it’s not hard to find that the majority of persist within universities (revised for better word choice). These gatherings often serve as mere formalities with little value, as evidenced by students immersed themselves engrossed in their phones or doing personal tasks during such events (revised for clarity). Furthermore, these superfluous meetings fragment students' time and detract from their own things during studies (revised for better word choice).

Secondly, universities should not rely solely on apps for educational purposes (revised for clarity). As science and technology advance, university education has become increasingly digitized through various software applications designed to facilitate learning. However, these meetings.Additionally,formalistic meetings make our time fragmented and waste our study time. apps often serve as a means to achieve teaching targets rather than genuinely enhancing students' knowledge acquisition (revised for better word choice). On one hand, some students exploit loopholes within these apps without truly learning valuable information. On the other hand, using software to complete assignments reduces interaction between teachers and students. In essence, an overreliance on formalistic apps diminishes the overall university experience (revised for clarity).

Lastly, universities should not evaluate students solely based on college credits and credit hours; these metrics are emblematic of formalism (revised for better word choice). Graduation requirements typically include a specific number of credits and credit hours; consequently, many students resort to any means necessary to accumulate credits for their diplomas while neglecting knowledge acquisition – the true purpose of attending university (revised for clarity).

In the second place,university shouldn’t just be spent on apps.With the development of science and intelligence technology,the conclusion, education of universities becomes smarter.We download all kinds of software in order to learn more conveniently.But these apps are more like a form of achieving teaching targets.On the one hand,some students may take advantage of the holes in the apps.Therefore,they don’t learn really useful knowledge.On the other hand,using software to complete homework reduces the contact between teachers and students.In a nutshell,the more formalistic apps we use in our education,the fewer experience we have in university. ¶ Last but not least,students shouldn’t be measured by college credits and credit hours in university.They are typical representatives of formalism.It is well established that the graduation is associated with credits and credit hours.Thus,lots of students use all means to earn credits in order to get their diploma.However,they forget that the most important thing for us is not credits,but gaining knowledge from university. ¶ Education needs requires a revolution to recover restore its essence.Formalism core values; formalism is one of the obstacles to a significant barrier that must be overcome in this revolution,and students process (revised for better word choice). Students are the often victims of formalism.Perhaps what this pervasive formalism; therefore, it is essential that we really need to learn is not the knowledge that is existence,but beyond the prioritize genuine learning over adherence to established rules of society.societal norms (revised for clarity).

8. Mind Map

9. Keywords

Section Title: 6. Article Revision

Revised Essay:

University education represents the pinnacle of human civilization, and the quality of such education reflects the degree of societal advancement. However, contemporary universities face numerous challenges. Among these issues, the one I most want to address is the prevalence of formalism within university life.

First and foremost, universities should eliminate unnecessary meetings. In college, students must attend classes and participate in various meetings. While some meetings are crucial for student development, an excessive number of unproductive conferences persist within universities. These gatherings often serve as mere formalities with little value, as evidenced by students engrossed in their phones or personal tasks during such events. Furthermore, these superfluous meetings fragment students' time and detract from their studies.

Secondly, universities should not rely solely on apps for educational purposes. As science and technology advance, university education has become increasingly digitized through various software applications designed to facilitate learning. However, these apps often serve as a means to achieve teaching targets rather than genuinely enhancing students' knowledge acquisition. On one hand, some students exploit loopholes within these apps without truly learning valuable information. On the other hand, using software to complete assignments reduces interaction between teachers and students. In essence, an overreliance on formalistic apps diminishes the overall university experience.

Lastly, universities should not evaluate students solely based on college credits and credit hours; these metrics are emblematic of formalism. Graduation requirements typically include a specific number of credits and credit hours; consequently, many students resort to any means necessary to accumulate credits for their diplomas while neglecting knowledge acquisition – the true purpose of attending university.

In conclusion, education requires a revolution to restore its core values; formalism is a significant barrier that must be overcome in this process. Students are often victims of this pervasive formalism; therefore, it is essential that we prioritize genuine learning over adherence to established societal norms.

1.子项得分 Task fulfillment: 2 Organization: 3 Coherence and Cohesion: 3 Language Use: 3

2.预估分数

17. 3.任务完成度

从任务完成度的角度来看，这篇文章并没有很好地回答问题。题目要求讨论在大学中你想做的一个重要改变，但文章中提到了三个方面，而且没有明确指出这些方面与大学之间的关系。建议在修改文章时，只选择一个最重要的改变，并详细说明为什么这个改变对大学和学生来说非常重要。

示例1（不符合题目要求）：If I were able to change one proportion of my college, I would take three areas into my content to help more and more students to be a personality. 示例2（符合题目要求）：If I could make one important change in the university that I am attending, I would improve the quality of extracurricular activities to help students develop their interests and skills outside of the classroom.

4.文章结构与组织 从结构和组织的角度来看，文章有一定的逻辑性，但整体上仍然显得有些混乱。建议在修改文章时，在引言部分明确提出你想做的改变，并在正文部分详细阐述原因和具体例子。同时，在每段开头使用恰当的过渡词汇，使文章更加连贯。

示例1（改进前）：What I want to do first is to call off a lot of meaningless activities. 示例2（改进后）：Firstly, I believe that improving the quality of extracurricular activities would greatly benefit students by allowing them to explore their interests and develop new skills.

5. 语法批改

(Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))It was with happiness that I came to university. Good as my school is, it has something insufficient to improve. If I were able to change one proportion of my college, I would take three areas into my content to help more and more students to be a personality. (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))What I want to do first is to call off a lot of meaningless activities. We may discover that there are often plenty of activities which just complete the necessary process but ignore their own meaning. However, the time spent taking part in the boring and dull activities outweighs the time it would take us to explore our interests, making us lose free time to follow our hearts. (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))The second step is to encourage students to express themselves bravely. For instance, we can develop relevant mechanisms or conduct communication activities. One of the reasons is that introverted college students need external motivation. Apart from that, it's important to have social skills for future work. The school is supposed to provide us not only a platform where we can cultivate our oral expression ability, but also a torch to ignite our enthusiasm for study and life. (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))Last but not least, we ought to prioritize enhancing students'sense of social responsibility. There are two options: joining in voluntary activities or calling on heroes. No matter which option we choose, interest is the first standard. Should we adopt a humdrum method, students would not obtain real nourishment from these lessons. Only in a creative way can we sincerely become a part of society and motherland. (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))Nowadays, what our country really needs is a well-rounded person. Learning is not the only indicator. Through the three measures, I hope that everyone can explore themselves to find the answer to the question of which person I want to become, playing an important role in our country.

Section Title: 6.文章修订

Revised Essay:

It was with great joy that I began my university journey. Despite the many positive aspects of my school, there is room for improvement. If I had the opportunity to make one significant change in my university, I would focus on three areas to help students develop a well-rounded personality.

Firstly, I would eliminate numerous meaningless activities. It is not uncommon to find various events that merely fulfill procedural requirements without providing any real value to students. The time spent participating in these monotonous and uninteresting activities could be better used for exploring personal interests and passions.

Secondly, I would encourage students to express themselves confidently and openly. This could be achieved by implementing relevant mechanisms or organizing communication-based events. Introverted college students often require external motivation to come out of their shells, and developing social skills is crucial for future career success. The university should provide not only a platform for cultivating oral expression abilities but also serve as a catalyst for igniting our enthusiasm for learning and life.

Lastly, it is essential to prioritize fostering a sense of social responsibility among students. Two possible approaches include engaging in volunteer activities or promoting inspirational role models. Regardless of the chosen method, it is vital to ensure that students' interests are at the forefront of these initiatives. Adopting a dull approach would fail to provide any real enrichment; only through creative means can we genuinely become active contributors to society and our nation.

In today's world, our country needs well-rounded individuals who possess more than just academic knowledge. Learning should not be the sole criterion for success. Through these three measures, I hope that each student can embark on a journey of self-discovery and determine their own path in life while playing an essential role in our nation's progress. (304 words)

It was with happiness great joy that I came to university. Good as began my school is, it has ¶ something university journey (Changed "happiness" to "great joy" for a more natural expression). Despite the many positive aspects of my school, there is room for improvement (Rephrased "something insufficient to improve. improve" for clarity). If I were able to had the opportunity to make one significant change in my university, I would focus on three areas to help students develop a well-rounded personality (Rephrased "change one proportion of my college, college" and "to be a personality" for clarity).

Firstly, I would take three areas into my content to help more and more eliminate numerous meaningless activities (Changed "call off a lot of" to "eliminate numerous" for better word choice). It is not uncommon to find various events that merely fulfill procedural requirements without providing any real value to students to be a personality. ¶ What I want to do first is to call off a lot of meaningless activities. We may discover that there are often plenty of activities which just complete the necessary process but ignore their own meaning. However, the (Rephrased and condensed sentence for clarity). The time spent taking part in the boring participating in these monotonous and uninteresting activities could be better used for exploring personal interests and passions (Changed "boring and dull activities outweighs the time it activities" to "monotonous and uninteresting activities" for better word choice).

Secondly, I would take us to explore our interests, making us lose free time to follow our hearts. ¶ The second step is to encourage students to express themselves bravely. For instance, we can develop confidently and openly (Changed "bravely" to "confidently and openly" for a more natural expression). This could be achieved by implementing relevant mechanisms or conduct communication activities. One of the reasons is that introverted organizing communication-based events (Rephrased sentence for clarity). Introverted college students need often require external motivation. Apart from that, it's important to have motivation to come out of their shells, and developing social skills is crucial for future work. career success (Clarified meaning by adding context). The school is supposed to university should provide us not only a platform where we can cultivate our for cultivating oral expression ability, abilities but also a torch to ignite serve as a catalyst for igniting our enthusiasm for study and life. learning and life (Rephrased sentence structure).

Last but not least, we ought Lastly, it is essential to prioritize enhancing students'sense fostering a sense of social responsibility. There are two options: joining responsibility among students (Clarified meaning by rephrasing the sentence). Two possible approaches include engaging in volunteer activities or promoting inspirational role models (Changed "joining in voluntary activities or calling on heroes. No matter which option we choose, interest heroes" to "engaging in volunteer activities or promoting inspirational role models" for clarity). Regardless of the chosen method, it is the first standard. Should we adopt a humdrum method, students vital to ensure that students' interests are at the forefront of these initiatives (Clarified meaning by rephrasing the sentence). Adopting a dull approach would not obtain fail to provide any real nourishment from these lessons. Only in a enrichment; only through creative way means can we sincerely genuinely become a part of active contributors to society and motherland. our nation (Rephrased sentence for clarity).

Nowadays, what In today's world, our country really needs is a well-rounded person. individuals who possess more than just academic knowledge (Clarified meaning by rephrasing the sentence). Learning is should not the only indicator. be the sole criterion for success (Changed "indicator" to "criterion" for better word choice). Through the these three measures, I hope that everyone each student can explore themselves to find the answer to the question of which person I want to become, embark on a journey of self-discovery and determine their own path in life while playing an important essential role in our country.nation's progress (Rephrased sentence for clarity and natural tone).

8. Display title: 8. Mind Map

Use the following mind map to help you structure your essay and lecture points:

- Introduction
    - University journey
    - Room for improvement
    - Focus on well-rounded personality development

- Point 1: Eliminate meaningless activities
    - Fulfill procedural requirements
    - No real value to students
    - Time better spent on personal interests and passions

- Point 2: Encourage self-expression and communication
    - Implement relevant mechanisms or events
    - Help introverted students develop social skills
    - Cultivate oral expression abilities and enthusiasm for learning

- Point 3: Foster a sense of social responsibility
    - Engage in volunteer activities or promote role models
    - Prioritize students' interests in initiatives
    - Creative means to become active contributors to society

- Conclusion:
    - Well-rounded individuals needed for nation's progress
    - Learning not the sole criterion for success

9. Display title: 9. Keywords