TOEFL Writing Task 1 Sample: If you could make one important change in the university that you are attending, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

1.子项得分

• 任务完成度：2

• 文章结构与组织：3

• 连贯性与衔接：3

• 语言运用：3

2.预估分数

• 17

3.任务完成度 你的文章没有按照题目要求回答问题。题目要求你提出一个重要的改变，并给出理由和具体例子来支持你的观点。然而，你的文章主要讨论了大学存在的形式主义问题，没有明确提出一个具体的改变。为了提高任务完成度，请确保根据题目要求回答问题，并给出相关的理由和例子。

示例1： Instead of: "Among all the problems, what I most want to change is the formalism of the university." Try: "If I could make one important change in my university, I would reduce the number of unnecessary meetings to allow students more time for studying and personal growth."

示例2： Instead of: "In the second place, university shouldn’t just be spent on apps." Try: "Another reason for reducing unnecessary meetings is that it would encourage students to engage in more meaningful learning experiences, rather than relying solely on educational apps."

4.文章结构与组织 虽然你的文章有一定的结构，但可以进一步改进。首先，在引言部分明确提出你想要进行的改变。接下来，在正文部分，针对每个支持观点分别撰写一个段落，并给出具体例子。最后，在结论部分总结你的观点，并重申为什么这个改变是重要的。同时，确保在段落之间使用清晰的过渡词和短语。

示例1： Instead of: "First and foremost, the meetings, or better described as useless meetings, should be canceled in university." Try: "One reason for reducing unnecessary meetings is that they often waste students' valuable time. For example, students could be using this time to study or participate in extracurricular activities."

示例2： Instead of: "Last but not least, students shouldn’t be measured by college credits and credit hours in university." Try: "Finally, another benefit of reducing unnecessary meetings is that it would allow universities to focus more on meaningful assessment methods, rather than relying solely on credits and credit hours."

5. 语法批改

University education is an embodiment of human civilization,and, and(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) the level of university education reflects the degree of social civilization.However However(Missing space between sentences),nowadays, nowadays(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) some issues are also bothering universities.Among Among(Missing space between sentences) all the problems,what, what(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) I most want to change is the formalism of the university. First and foremost,the, the(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) meetings,or, or(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) better described as useless meetings,should, should(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) be canceled in university.In In(Missing space between sentences) college,not, not(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) only do we need to attend classes,but, but(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) we also need to have a variety of meetings.There There(Missing space between sentences) is no denying that some meetings are of vital importance to students.But But(Missing space between sentences) there are still abundant useless conferences pervasive in universities.Most Most(Missing space between sentences) of them are just a formality that doesn’t make much sense,and, and(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) it’s not hard to find that the majority of students immersed themselves in their phones or doing their own things during these meetings.Additionally Additionally(Missing space between sentences),formalistic, formalistic(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) meetings make our time fragmented and waste our study time.

In the second place,university, university(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) shouldn’t just be spent on apps.With With(Missing space between sentences) the development of science and intelligence technology,the, the(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) education of universities becomes smarter.We We(Missing space between sentences) download all kinds of software in order to learn more conveniently.But But(Missing space between sentences) these apps are more like a form of achieving teaching targets.On On(Missing space between sentences) the one hand,some, some(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) students may take advantage of the holes in the apps.Therefore Therefore(Missing space between sentences),they, they(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) don’t learn really useful knowledge.On On(Missing space between sentences) the other hand,using, using(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) software to complete homework reduces the contact between teachers and students.In In(Missing space between sentences) a nutshell,the, the(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) more formalisticmoralistic(misspelling) apps we use in our education,the, the(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) fewer experience we have in university.

Last but, but(Detects missing comma before "but") not least,students, students(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) shouldn’t be measured by college credits and credit hours in university.They They(Missing space between sentences) are typical representatives of formalism.It It(Missing space between sentences) is well established that the graduation is associated with credits and credit hours.Thus Thus(Missing space between sentences),lots, lots(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) of students use all means to earn credits in order to get their diploma.However However(Missing space between sentences),they, they(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) forget that the most important thing for us is not credits,but, but(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) gaining knowledge from university.

Education needs a revolution to recover its essence.Formalism Formalism(Missing space between sentences) is one of the obstacles to this revolution,and, and(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) students are the victims of formalism.Perhaps Perhaps(Missing space between sentences) what we really need to learn is not the knowledge that is existence,but, but(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) beyond the established rules of society.

Section Title: 6.文章修订

Revised Essay:

University education represents the pinnacle of human civilization, and the quality of such education reflects the degree of societal advancement. However, contemporary universities face numerous challenges. Among these issues, the one I most want to address is the prevalence of formalism within university life.

First and foremost, universities should eliminate unnecessary meetings. In college, students must attend classes and participate in various meetings. While some meetings are crucial for student development, an excessive number of unproductive conferences persist within universities. These gatherings often serve as mere formalities with little value, as evidenced by students engrossed in their phones or personal tasks during such events. Furthermore, these superfluous meetings fragment students' time and detract from their studies.

Secondly, universities should not rely solely on apps for educational purposes. As science and technology advance, university education has become increasingly digitized through various software applications designed to facilitate learning. However, these apps often serve as a means to achieve teaching targets rather than genuinely enhancing students' knowledge acquisition. On one hand, some students exploit loopholes within these apps without truly learning valuable information. On the other hand, using software to complete assignments reduces interaction between teachers and students. In essence, an overreliance on formalistic apps diminishes the overall university experience.

Lastly, universities should not evaluate students solely based on college credits and credit hours; these metrics are emblematic of formalism. Graduation requirements typically include a specific number of credits and credit hours; consequently, many students resort to any means necessary to accumulate credits for their diplomas while neglecting knowledge acquisition – the true purpose of attending university.

In conclusion, education requires a revolution to restore its core values; formalism is a significant barrier that must be overcome in this process. Students are often victims of this pervasive formalism; therefore, it is essential that we prioritize genuine learning over adherence to established societal norms. (315 words)

University education is an embodiment represents the pinnacle of human civilization,and the level of university civilization (revised for clarity and emphasis), and the quality of such education reflects the degree of social civilization.However,nowadays some issues are also bothering universities.Among all the problems,what societal advancement. However, contemporary universities face numerous challenges (revised for better word choice). Among these issues, the one I most want to change address is the prevalence of formalism of the university. within university life (revised for clarity).

First and foremost,the meetings,or better described as useless meetings,should be canceled foremost, universities should eliminate unnecessary meetings (revised for clarity). In college, students must attend classes and participate in university.In college,not only do we need to attend classes,but we also need to have a variety of meetings.There is no denying that various meetings. While some meetings are of vital importance to students.But there are still abundant useless crucial for student development, an excessive number of unproductive conferences pervasive in universities.Most of them are just a formality that doesn’t make much sense,and it’s not hard to find that the majority of persist within universities (revised for better word choice). These gatherings often serve as mere formalities with little value, as evidenced by students immersed themselves engrossed in their phones or doing personal tasks during such events (revised for clarity). Furthermore, these superfluous meetings fragment students' time and detract from their own things during studies (revised for better word choice).

Secondly, universities should not rely solely on apps for educational purposes (revised for clarity). As science and technology advance, university education has become increasingly digitized through various software applications designed to facilitate learning. However, these meetings.Additionally,formalistic meetings make our time fragmented and waste our study time. apps often serve as a means to achieve teaching targets rather than genuinely enhancing students' knowledge acquisition (revised for better word choice). On one hand, some students exploit loopholes within these apps without truly learning valuable information. On the other hand, using software to complete assignments reduces interaction between teachers and students. In essence, an overreliance on formalistic apps diminishes the overall university experience (revised for clarity).

Lastly, universities should not evaluate students solely based on college credits and credit hours; these metrics are emblematic of formalism (revised for better word choice). Graduation requirements typically include a specific number of credits and credit hours; consequently, many students resort to any means necessary to accumulate credits for their diplomas while neglecting knowledge acquisition – the true purpose of attending university (revised for clarity).

In the second place,university shouldn’t just be spent on apps.With the development of science and intelligence technology,the conclusion, education of universities becomes smarter.We download all kinds of software in order to learn more conveniently.But these apps are more like a form of achieving teaching targets.On the one hand,some students may take advantage of the holes in the apps.Therefore,they don’t learn really useful knowledge.On the other hand,using software to complete homework reduces the contact between teachers and students.In a nutshell,the more formalistic apps we use in our education,the fewer experience we have in university. ¶ Last but not least,students shouldn’t be measured by college credits and credit hours in university.They are typical representatives of formalism.It is well established that the graduation is associated with credits and credit hours.Thus,lots of students use all means to earn credits in order to get their diploma.However,they forget that the most important thing for us is not credits,but gaining knowledge from university. ¶ Education needs requires a revolution to recover restore its essence.Formalism core values; formalism is one of the obstacles to a significant barrier that must be overcome in this revolution,and students process (revised for better word choice). Students are the often victims of formalism.Perhaps what this pervasive formalism; therefore, it is essential that we really need to learn is not the knowledge that is existence,but beyond the prioritize genuine learning over adherence to established rules of society.societal norms (revised for clarity).

8. Mind Map

9. Keywords

Section Title: 6. Article Revision

Revised Essay:

University education represents the pinnacle of human civilization, and the quality of such education reflects the degree of societal advancement. However, contemporary universities face numerous challenges. Among these issues, the one I most want to address is the prevalence of formalism within university life.

First and foremost, universities should eliminate unnecessary meetings. In college, students must attend classes and participate in various meetings. While some meetings are crucial for student development, an excessive number of unproductive conferences persist within universities. These gatherings often serve as mere formalities with little value, as evidenced by students engrossed in their phones or personal tasks during such events. Furthermore, these superfluous meetings fragment students' time and detract from their studies.

Secondly, universities should not rely solely on apps for educational purposes. As science and technology advance, university education has become increasingly digitized through various software applications designed to facilitate learning. However, these apps often serve as a means to achieve teaching targets rather than genuinely enhancing students' knowledge acquisition. On one hand, some students exploit loopholes within these apps without truly learning valuable information. On the other hand, using software to complete assignments reduces interaction between teachers and students. In essence, an overreliance on formalistic apps diminishes the overall university experience.

Lastly, universities should not evaluate students solely based on college credits and credit hours; these metrics are emblematic of formalism. Graduation requirements typically include a specific number of credits and credit hours; consequently, many students resort to any means necessary to accumulate credits for their diplomas while neglecting knowledge acquisition – the true purpose of attending university.

In conclusion, education requires a revolution to restore its core values; formalism is a significant barrier that must be overcome in this process. Students are often victims of this pervasive formalism; therefore, it is essential that we prioritize genuine learning over adherence to established societal norms.