TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on businessmanagement. Write a post responding to theprofessor's question. ln your response, you should do the following. Express and support your opinion. Make a contribution to the discussion in your own words. An effective response will contain at least 100words.

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章基本上完成了任务要求，表达了对于领导者需要优秀沟通能力的观点，并且给出了相关的例子。但是，可以在以下方面进行改进：

1. 在论述中加入更多细节和例子，以便更好地支持观点。

2. 略微调整语法和词汇用法，使其更加准确。

示例1：在论述中加入更多细节和例子。 原文：Imagine Steven Jobs, the forCEO of apple, is a successful communicator who can greatly bring out thebest in his team and impress the users through series of speech. 修改后：Imagine Steve Jobs, the former CEO of Apple, was a successful communicator who could greatly bring out the best in his team and impress users through his captivating presentations, such as the introduction of the iPhone in 2007.

示例2：略微调整语法和词汇用法。 原文：That's why apple is always effective in attracting young talented employeesand customers keen on their products. 修改后：That's why Apple has always been effective in attracting young talented employees and customers who are enthusiastic about their products.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面表现较好，有明确的引言、主体和结论。每段都集中讨论了一个特定的观点，并提供了支持细节。但在以下方面可以进行改进：

1. 在段落之间加入更明确的过渡词或短语，使文章更连贯。

2. 在引言部分简要概括文章的主要观点。

示例1：在段落之间加入更明确的过渡词或短语。 原文：Admittedly, as Kelly ponited out, understanding business itself canmotivate the employees, but well developed communication skills can alsoinspire both the employees and the investors. 修改后：Admittedly, as Kelly pointed out, understanding business itself can motivate employees; however, well-developed communication skills can also inspire both employees and investors.

示例2：在引言部分简要概括文章的主要观点。 原文：Though both quality are important, l strongly agree the notion thatexcellent communition skills are more essential in being an effective leader. 修改后：Though both qualities are important, I strongly believe that excellent communication skills are more essential for being an effective leader than a strong technical background in a particular industry.

5. 语法批改

Though both quality are important, l strongly agree theto the(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) notion thatexcellentthat excellent(misspelling) communition[No Replacement Word Found](misspelling) skills are more essential in being an effective leader.Admittedly Admittedly(Missing space between sentences), as Kelly ponitedpointed(misspelling) out, understanding business itself canmotivatecan motivate(misspelling) the employees, but well developedwell-developed(Hyphenated words: well developed) communication skills can alsoinspirealso inspire(misspelling) both the employees and the investors. Imagine Steven Jobs, the forCEOforces(misspelling) of apple, is a successful communicator who can greatly bring out thebestThebes(misspelling) in his team and impress the users through series of speech.To To(Missing space between sentences) catchtheircatch their(misspelling) attention and encourage them to contribute to apple's products, Jobsdevelop the ability to describe the idea as it happens in front of your face.That That(Missing space between sentences)'s why apple is always effective in attracting youngyoung,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) talented employeesandemployee sand(misspelling) customers keen on their products.

Title: 6 Article Revision

In the realm of effective leadership, I firmly believe that exceptional communication skills hold greater importance than a strong technical background in a specific industry. While possessing industry expertise can undoubtedly motivate employees, well-developed communication skills have the power to inspire both employees and investors alike. Consider Steve Jobs, former CEO of Apple, who was renowned for his extraordinary ability to communicate and bring out the best in his team. Through captivating speeches, Jobs captured the attention of his audience and encouraged them to contribute to Apple's innovative products. His exceptional communication skills played a crucial role in attracting talented employees and loyal customers, ultimately contributing to Apple's success. (113 words)

Title: 7 Article Revision

Though both quality qualities are important, l I strongly agree with the notion thatexcellent communition that excellent communication skills are more essential in being an effective leader.Admittedly, leader. Admittedly, as Kelly ponited pointed out, understanding the business itself canmotivate can motivate the employees, employees (clarified the subject), but well developed well-developed communication skills can alsoinspire also inspire both the employees and the investors. Imagine Steven Jobs, Steve Jobs (corrected spelling), the forCEO former CEO of apple, is Apple (added missing word), who was a successful communicator who can that could greatly bring out thebest the best in his team and impress the users through a series of speech.To catchtheir speeches (improved sentence structure). To catch their attention and encourage them to contribute to apple's Apple's products, Jobsdevelop Jobs developed the ability to describe the idea ideas as it happens if they were happening right in front of your face.That's face (rephrased for clarity). That's why apple is Apple has always been effective in attracting young talented employeesand employees and customers keen on their products.products (improved sentence structure).

8 思维导图

1. 引言
   - 有效领导力
   - 优秀沟通技巧 vs. 行业技术背景

2. 行业专长的优势
   - 激励员工

3. 沟通技巧的重要性
   - 吸引员工和投资者

4. 史蒂夫·乔布斯（Steve Jobs）案例分析
   - 前苹果（Apple）首席执行官（CEO）
   - 出色的沟通能力和团队激励作用

5. 演讲的吸引力
   - 抓住听众注意力
   - 鼓励创新贡献

6. 沟通技巧在苹果成功中的关键作用
   - 吸引人才和忠实客户

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

整体来说，你的文章回答了问题并提供了观点。但是，可以进一步改进以使文章更具说服力。首先，尝试在论证中加入更多具体的例子和细节。此外，避免使用过于复杂的句子结构，以便读者更容易理解你的观点。

改进示例1： 原文：Imagine Steven Jobs, the famous CEO of apple, is a successful communicator who can greatly bring out thebest in his team and impress the users through series of speech. 修改后：Steve Jobs, the famous CEO of Apple, was a successful communicator who inspired his team by sharing his vision clearly and passionately. His speeches captivated audiences and helped Apple gain a loyal customer base.

改进示例2： 原文：That's why apple is always effective in attracting young talented employeesand customers keen on their products. 修改后：Apple's success in attracting talented employees and enthusiastic customers can be attributed to its strong leadership, which emphasizes clear communication and innovative thinking.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构基本清晰，但可以通过增加引言和结论来进一步改善。此外，在段落之间使用过渡词或短语可以使文章更连贯。

建议1：在文章开头添加引言，简要介绍你将要讨论的观点。例如：“在商业领导中，良好的沟通能力和强大的技术背景都是重要的品质。然而，在这篇文章中，我将阐述为什么我认为优秀的沟通能力对于成为一名有效的领导者更为关键。”

建议2：在段落之间使用过渡词或短语。例如，在第一个改进示例之后，可以添加：“正因如此，我们可以看到沟通能力在商业领导中发挥着至关重要的作用。”

5. 语法批改

Though both quality are important, l strongly agree theto the(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) notion thatexcellentthat excellent(misspelling) communition[No Replacement Word Found](misspelling) skills are more essential in being an effective leader.Admittedly Admittedly(Missing space between sentences), as Kelly ponitedpointed(misspelling) out, understanding business itself canmotivatecan motivate(misspelling) the employees, but well developedwell-developed(Hyphenated words: well developed) communication skills can alsoinspirealso inspire(misspelling) both the employees and the investors. Imagine Steven Jobs, the famous CEO of apple, is a successful communicator who can greatly bring out thebestThebes(misspelling) in his team and impress the users through series of speech.To To(Missing space between sentences) catchtheircatch their(misspelling) attention and encourage them to contribute to apple's products, Jobsdevelop the ability to describe the idea as it happens in front of your face.That That(Missing space between sentences)'s why apple is always effective in attracting youngyoung,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) talented employeesandemployee sand(misspelling) customers keen on their products.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

While both qualities are important, I firmly believe that excellent communication skills are more crucial for being an effective leader. Although a strong technical background in a particular industry can indeed motivate employees, well-developed communication skills can inspire not only the workforce but also investors. Consider Steve Jobs, the renowned CEO of Apple, who was a highly successful communicator capable of bringing out the best in his team and captivating users through his speeches. By developing the ability to vividly describe ideas as if they were happening right before their eyes, Jobs was able to capture the attention of young talented employees and customers eager for Apple's products. This demonstrates how exceptional communication skills can significantly contribute to effective leadership in business. (127 words)

Though Revised essay: Section Title: 7 Article Correction

While both quality qualities are important, l I strongly agree with the notion thatexcellent communition that excellent communication skills are more essential in being an effective leader.Admittedly, leader (rephrased for clarity and natural tone). Admittedly, as Kelly ponited pointed out, understanding the business itself canmotivate the can motivate employees, but well developed well-developed communication skills can alsoinspire also inspire both the employees and the investors. investors (corrected spelling and added a conjunction for better flow). Imagine Steven Steve Jobs, the famous CEO of apple, is Apple, who was a successful communicator who can that could greatly bring out thebest the best in his team and impress the users through a series of speech.To catchtheir speeches (corrected tense and phrasing for better flow). To catch their attention and encourage them to contribute to apple's Apple's products, Jobsdevelop Jobs developed the ability to describe the idea ideas as it happens if they were happening right in front of your face.That's face (corrected spelling and phrasing for clarity). That's why apple Apple is always effective in attracting young talented employeesand employees and customers keen on their products.products (maintained original sentence structure while improving clarity).

8 思维导图

1. 引言
   - 交流技能与技术背景的重要性

2. 优秀的交流技能
   - 激发员工积极性
   - 吸引投资者关注

3. 技术背景的优势
   - 行业知识和经验
   - 增强员工信任和尊敬

4. 史蒂夫·乔布斯案例分析
   - 卓越的沟通者和领导者
   - 激发团队和用户热情的演讲技巧

5. 交流技能在商业领导中的作用
   - 描述生动的想法和愿景
   - 吸引有才华的员工和客户关注公司产品

6. 结论
   - 良好沟通技巧对于有效领导至关重要

9 关键词