TOEFL TPO 20 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on human resource management. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

整体来说，这篇文章较好地回答了问题，并提出了有关政府应该为失业者提供职业培训的观点。然而，文章在一些方面还有待改进。首先，在支持观点时，可以提供更具体的例子或数据。其次，文章中部分句子表达略显生硬，需要在语言运用上进行调整。

示例1：将 "The government should make an excessive of financial investment in developing the industry in these area, which have a significant beneficial to local people." 改为 "The government should invest significantly in developing industries in these areas, which would greatly benefit local people."

示例2：将 "Using local environment resources, different advantage can be used to create more job training course, which can enhance the professional skills of local people who may lack of education." 改为 "By utilizing local environmental resources and various advantages, more job training courses can be created to enhance the professional skills of local people who may lack education."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面基本合理，包括引言、正文和结论。但是，在段落之间的过渡和逻辑关系上还可以加强。建议在段落开头使用一些过渡词汇，使文章更加连贯。

建议1：在第二段开头加入过渡词，如 "Furthermore" 或 "In addition"。 示例：将 "To be more specific, people in rural area or in countryside, they may lack of opportunities to access job position, since the development of these area not as advanced as urban area of the city." 改为 "Furthermore, people in rural areas or the countryside may lack opportunities to access job positions due to the less advanced development compared to urban areas."

建议2：在第三段开头加入过渡词，如 "For instance" 或 "For example"。 示例：将 "For example, rather than give young people money, the government should put rural development on a top priority." 改为 "For instance, instead of giving young people money directly, the government should prioritize rural development."

5. 语法批改

I fully agree with Andrew's point of view that the government should offer people job training courses. Based on his perspective, I would like to further our discussion by beneficial of rural citizens. To be more specific, people in rural area or in countryside, they may lack of opportunities to access job position, since the development of these areathis area('this' vs. 'these') not as advanced as urban area of the city. The government should make an excessive[No Replacement Word Found](ARTICLE ADJECTIVE of) of financial investment in developing the industry in these areathis area('this' vs. 'these'), which have a significant beneficial to local people. For example, rather than give young people money, the government should put rural development onas(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) a top priority. Using local environment resources, different advantage can be used to create more job training course, which can enhance the professional skills of local people who may lack of education. In conclusion, I strongly believe that the government should focus more on education instead of giving people money directly.

Title: 6 文章修订

I concur with Andrew's perspective that the government should prioritize offering job training courses to individuals. Expanding on his viewpoint, I would like to emphasize the benefits for rural citizens.

Specifically, individuals in rural areas or the countryside may have limited access to job opportunities due to less advanced development compared to urban regions. The government should make substantial financial investments in developing industries in these areas, which would significantly benefit local residents.

For instance, instead of providing young people with money directly, the government should place a high priority on rural development. By utilizing local environmental resources and unique advantages, more job training courses can be created. This approach would enhance the professional skills of local individuals who may lack sufficient education.

Ultimately, I firmly believe that the government should concentrate on fostering education and skill development rather than merely providing financial assistance. (147 words)

I fully agree concur with Andrew's point of view perspective (revised for a more formal tone) that the government should offer people prioritize offering job training courses. Based courses to individuals. Expanding on his perspective, viewpoint, I would like to further our discussion by beneficial emphasize the benefits for rural citizens (clarified the focus of rural citizens. the discussion).

To be more specific, people Specifically, individuals in rural area areas or in countryside, they the countryside may lack of have limited access to job opportunities to access job position, since the due to less advanced development of these area not as advanced as compared to urban area of the city. regions (rephrased for clarity and coherence). The government should make an excessive of substantial financial investment investments (changed "excessive" to "substantial" for accuracy) in developing the industry industries in these area, areas, which have a significant beneficial to would significantly benefit local people. residents (improved sentence structure).

For example, rather than give instance, instead of providing young people money, the government should put with money directly, the government should place a high priority on rural development on a top priority. Using (rephrased for clarity). By utilizing local environment resources, different advantage can be used to create environmental resources and unique advantages, more job training course, which courses can be created (simplified sentence structure). This approach would enhance the professional skills of local people individuals who may lack of education. sufficient education (rephrased for clarity and coherence).

In conclusion, Ultimately, I strongly firmly believe that the government should focus more on concentrate on fostering education instead of giving people money directly.and skill development rather than merely providing financial assistance (revised conclusion for a stronger emphasis on the main argument).

8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Agree with Andrew's perspective
   - Emphasize benefits for rural citizens

2. Limited access to job opportunities in rural areas
   - Less advanced development compared to urban regions
   - Need for government financial investments

3. Government priority on rural development
   - Utilizing local environmental resources and unique advantages
   - Creation of job training courses

4. Enhancing professional skills of local individuals
   - Addressing lack of sufficient education

5. Conclusion
   - Government should focus on education and skill development instead of financial assistance

9 关键词