TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on education. Write a post responding to the professor’s question. In your response, you should do the following: express and support your personal opinion; make a contribution to the discussion in your own words. An effective response will contain at least 100 words.

1.子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2.预估分数

Estimated Score: 27

3.任务完成度

整体来说，这篇文章较好地完成了任务要求。然而，有一些建议可以帮助改进文章。首先，在表达观点时，可以提供更具体的例子来支持你的观点。其次，在论述中尽量避免使用过于口语化的表达。

Example 1: Instead of "he would take every effort to read more research reports, do experiments carefully or review his work again and again before finally hands in", you can write "the student would diligently read research reports, conduct experiments meticulously, and revise their work multiple times before submission."

Example 2: Instead of "it is likely that he just have an essay done, which is seemly not bad, to gain a higher score", you can write "the student might only aim to complete the essay with minimal effort, which could still result in a decent grade."

4.文章结构与组织

从结构和组织方面来看，这篇文章基本上遵循了引言、正文和结论的结构。但是，可以在段落之间加入更明确的过渡词以增强逻辑性。此外，建议在引言部分简要介绍两种观点，并在结论部分总结自己的立场。

Example 1: Add a transition phrase at the beginning of the second paragraph: "Firstly, as Paul mentioned, taking effort into account as an assessment criterion would encourage students to study diligently and build essential character traits."

Example 2: Improve the introduction and conclusion: Introduction: "In this discussion, I will explore both Kelly's perspective that grades should be based solely on performance and Paul's viewpoint that both performance and effort should be considered." Conclusion: "In conclusion, I believe that a fair evaluation system should take into account both a student's performance and their hard work, as it encourages personal growth and accounts for individual differences."

5. 语法批改

While I can see Kelly’s point that it is fair to evaluate students’grades merely by their performance, I agree with Paul’s perspective that both performance and hard work should be considered. As mentioned by Paul, taking the effort as an assessment criteria would stimulate students to study hard and build essential character. For instance, if a student is informed that working hard to write the final essay will get his score improved, he would take every effort to read more research reports, do experiments carefully or review his work again and again before finally hands in; however, if performance is the first and foremost, it is likely that he just have an essay done, which is seemly not bad, to gain a higher score. Apart from what Paul has raised, I added that it is actually fairer to consider efforts equally. As far as we know, some students are not good at taking exams, which is probably due to their tremendous fear of tests or some other unpredictable conditions like losing sleep or getting sick. In fact, under these circumstances, fairness can be ensured only if everydayevery day(everyday (every day))’s hard work is considered; on the contrary, these occasions would affect students’grades severely if teachers just pay attention to their ultimate performance. Therefore, evaluation should be based upon the student’s performance as well as hard work.

6.文章修订

While I understand Kelly's argument that evaluating students' grades solely on performance seems fair, I concur with Paul's perspective that both performance and effort should be considered. As Paul mentioned, incorporating effort as an assessment criterion encourages students to study diligently and develop essential character traits. For example, if a student knows that their hard work on a final essay will improve their score, they will likely invest time in thoroughly researching the topic, conducting meticulous experiments, and revising their work multiple times before submission. Conversely, if only performance is prioritized, a student may complete the essay with minimal effort while still achieving a decent grade.

Moreover, considering effort in grading can actually promote fairness. Some students may struggle with exam-taking due to anxiety or other unforeseen circumstances such as illness or sleep deprivation. In these cases, acknowledging their consistent hard work can ensure fairness; otherwise, their grades might be severely impacted by focusing solely on exam performance. Therefore, a comprehensive evaluation system should take into account both a student's performance and their dedication to learning. (177 words)

7.文章批改

While I can see Kelly’s point understand Kelly's argument (clarified the subject) that it is fair to evaluate students’grades merely by their performance, evaluating students' grades solely on performance seems fair, I agree concur with Paul’s Paul's perspective (used a more formal word) that both performance and hard work effort should be considered. As mentioned by Paul, taking the Paul mentioned, incorporating effort as an assessment criteria would stimulate criterion (rephrased for clarity) encourages students to study diligently (used a more advanced vocabulary) and develop essential character traits. For example, if a student knows that their hard and build essential character. For instance, if a student is informed that working hard to write the work on a final essay will get his score improved, he would take every effort to read more research reports, do improve their score, they will likely invest time in thoroughly researching the topic, conducting meticulous experiments carefully or review his (used more advanced vocabulary), and revising their work again and again multiple times before finally hands in; however, submission (rephrased for clarity). Conversely, if only performance is prioritized (rephrased for clarity), a student may complete the first and foremost, it is likely that he just have an essay done, which is seemly not bad, to gain a higher score. Apart from what Paul has raised, I added that it is with minimal effort while still achieving a decent grade.

Moreover, considering effort in grading can actually fairer to consider efforts equally. As far as we know, some promote fairness (rephrased for clarity). Some students are not good at taking exams, which is probably may struggle with exam-taking due to their tremendous fear of tests anxiety or some other unpredictable conditions like losing unforeseen circumstances such as illness or sleep or getting sick. deprivation (added examples). In fact, under these circumstances, fairness can be ensured only if everyday’s cases, acknowledging their consistent hard work is considered; can ensure fairness; otherwise, their grades might be severely impacted by focusing solely on the contrary, these occasions would affect students’grades severely if teachers just pay attention exam performance (rephrased for clarity). Therefore, a comprehensive evaluation system should take into account both a student's performance and their dedication to their ultimate performance. Therefore, evaluation should be based upon the student’s performance as well as hard work.learning (used more formal language).

8.思维导图

• Introduction

  • Kelly's argument: performance-based grading
  • Paul's perspective: performance and effort considered

• Performance and Effort

  • Encourages diligent study
  • Develops essential character traits

• Examples

  • Final essay improvement with hard work
  • Minimal effort when only performance is prioritized

• Fairness in Grading

  • Struggles with exam-taking (anxiety, illness, sleep deprivation)
  • Acknowledging consistent hard work ensures fairness

• Conclusion

  • Comprehensive evaluation system: performance and dedication to learning

9.关键词