TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on sociology. Write a post responding to the professor's question. In your response you should: express and support your opinion make a contribution to the discussion An effective response will contain at least 100 words.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22

3. Task completeness

The essay does a decent job of addressing the task requirements by expressing an opinion on the effects of television on children and providing some support for that opinion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples or details to strengthen the argument. Additionally, the essay could benefit from clearer language use and grammar.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples or details to support your opinion.

• Elaborate further on your viewpoint by discussing additional aspects or consequences of television watching.

Examples:

1. "For instance, educational programs like 'Sesame Street' have been shown to improve children's literacy skills while also teaching them about different cultures."
2. "Moreover, television can expose children to various art forms such as dance, music, and theater, which can inspire their creativity and appreciation for the arts."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could be improved by organizing each paragraph around a specific point with supporting details. Clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs should also be added to enhance the flow of the essay.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Organize each paragraph around a specific point with supporting details.

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs to enhance the flow of the essay.

Examples:

1. "Firstly, television provides children with access to educational content that can supplement their learning in school."
2. "In addition to its educational benefits, television also offers opportunities for cultural exposure."

5. Grammar

In my opinionopinion,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) the major effect that television has on people is that it has widento widen(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) children's horizon. Children can gain knowledgesknowledge(misspelling) based on watching televisions and televisions can provide the first-hand news of the society, to be more specific, reading on books about the world helps kids know about the world that they have not experienced in their lives, however, watching televisions can provide an actual view of what kids had read in the books. Imagining what the world was like by just giving features of the world are not enough for the children, and are able to see the world itself is much valuable. Further moreFurthermore(further more (furthermore)), reporting the first-handed news is way much worth it than reading books because books could be written decades ago and the news reported are the recent reports what had happened to the world.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, the most significant effect that television has on people, particularly children, is its ability to broaden their horizons. Through television, children can acquire knowledge and gain insights into various aspects of society by witnessing firsthand accounts of events and experiences. For instance, while reading books about the world can provide a foundation for understanding different cultures and environments, watching television offers a more vivid and tangible perspective on these subjects.

Moreover, television serves as an invaluable source of up-to-date information. Unlike books, which may have been written years or even decades ago, television programs present current events and developments in real-time. This immediacy allows viewers to stay informed about the world around them and engage in meaningful discussions on a wide range of topics. In this way, television not only expands one's knowledge but also fosters critical thinking and intellectual growth. (149 words)

In my opinion opinion, the major most significant effect (revised for clarity and emphasis) that television has on people people, particularly children, is that it has widen children's horizon. Children its ability to broaden their horizons (rephrased for better flow). Through television, children can acquire knowledge (corrected spelling) and gain knowledges based on watching televisions insights into various aspects of society by witnessing firsthand accounts of events and televisions can provide the first-hand news of the society, to be more specific, experiences (restructured for clarity). For instance, while reading on books about the world helps kids know can provide a foundation for understanding different cultures and environments, watching television offers a more vivid and tangible perspective on these subjects (rephrased for better flow).

Moreover, television serves as an invaluable source of up-to-date information (rephrased for emphasis). Unlike books, which may have been written years or even decades ago, television programs present current events and developments in real-time (clarified meaning). This immediacy allows viewers to stay informed about the world that they have around them and engage in meaningful discussions on a wide range of topics (added detail). In this way, television not experienced in their lives, however, watching televisions can provide an actual view of what kids had read in the books. Imagining what the world was like by just giving features of the world are not enough for the children, only expands one's knowledge but also fosters critical thinking and are able to see the world itself is much valuable. ¶ Further more, reporting the first-handed news is way much worth it than reading books because books could be written decades ago and the news reported are the recent reports what had happened to the world.intellectual growth (concluding thought added).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Effect of television on people
   • Focus on children

2. Broadening horizons

   • Acquiring knowledge
   • Gaining insights into society

3. Firsthand accounts

   • Witnessing events and experiences
   • Comparison to books

4. Understanding cultures and environments

   • Vivid and tangible perspective

5. Up-to-date information source

   • Real-time events and developments

6. Staying informed and engaged

   • Meaningful discussions on various topics

7. Fostering critical thinking and intellectual growth

8. Conclusion

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, the most significant effect that television has on people, particularly children, is its ability to broaden their horizons. Through television, children can acquire knowledge and gain insights into various aspects of society by witnessing firsthand accounts of events and experiences. For instance, while reading books about the world can provide a foundation for understanding different cultures and environments, watching television offers a more vivid and tangible perspective on these subjects.

Moreover, television serves as an invaluable source of up-to-date information. Unlike books, which may have been written years or even decades ago, television programs present current events and developments in real-time. This immediacy allows viewers to stay informed about the world around them and engage in meaningful discussions on a wide range of topics. In this way, television not only expands one's knowledge but also fosters critical thinking and intellectual growth.