TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on consumer behavior. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

25. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得很好，表达了作者对过度消费问题的看法。但是，为了更好地支持观点，可以添加更多具体的例子和细节。此外，尝试使用更多的连接词来增强句子之间的联系。

示例1：在讨论过度消费对环境的影响时，可以提供一些数据或研究结果来支持观点。 示例2：使用连接词如“因此”、“然而”等来增强句子之间的联系。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构基本清晰，包括引言、正文和结论。但是，在组织上还有改进的空间。建议将每个段落聚焦在一个特定的观点上，并在段落之间使用明确的过渡词。

示例1：将关于广告影响消费者购买行为的观点放在一个单独的段落中，并提供相关证据支持。 示例2：在不同段落之间使用过渡词如“另一方面”、“此外”等来使文章更连贯。

5. 语法批改

In response to Dr. Achebe's question and taking into account the perspectives of Andrew and Claire, I am convinced that purchasing more than people's initial ideas has become an immense problem for the society, since it would contribute to the waste of resources and produce more wastes. Currently, people can easily be influenced by the advertisements and so-called discount which lead customers to purchase merchadisesmerchandises(misspelling) accidentlyaccidentally(misspelling) which they do not really need them. For example, in a computer store, the holders like to bundle the computer and the printer in order to create more profits and make a room for new products, the customers who only plan to buy the computer may choose to buy the bundle since it provides a great deal for them. In fact, these customers are unlikely to use the printer, so at last, these printers would become a waste and can not work anymore after many times.

Title: 6 文章修订

In response to Dr. Achebe's inquiry and considering the viewpoints of both Andrew and Claire, I firmly believe that excessive consumption, or purchasing beyond one's actual needs, has indeed become a significant issue for society. This behavior contributes to the squandering of resources and generates increased waste. Presently, individuals are easily swayed by persuasive advertisements and enticing discounts, which often lead them to impulsively acquire items they do not genuinely require. For instance, in a computer store, retailers may bundle computers with printers to boost profits and clear space for new merchandise. Consequently, customers who initially intended to purchase only a computer might opt for the bundled deal due to its perceived value. However, these consumers may never utilize the printer, ultimately rendering it obsolete and contributing to unnecessary waste after prolonged disuse. (136 words)

In response to Dr. Achebe's question inquiry (revised for clarity and taking into account formality) and considering the perspectives viewpoints of both Andrew and Claire, I am convinced firmly believe (revised for emphasis) that excessive consumption, or purchasing more than people's initial ideas beyond one's actual needs, has indeed become an immense problem a significant issue (revised for the society, since it would contribute clarity) for society. This behavior contributes to the waste squandering of resources (revised for clarity) and produce more wastes. Currently, people can generates increased waste. Presently, individuals are easily be influenced swayed by the persuasive advertisements and so-called discount enticing discounts (revised for conciseness), which often lead customers them to purchase merchadises accidently which impulsively acquire items they do not really need them. genuinely require (revised for clarity). For example, instance, in a computer store, the holders like retailers may bundle computers with printers to bundle the computer and the printer in order to create more boost profits and make a room clear space for new products, the merchandise (revised for clarity). Consequently, customers who initially intended to purchase only plan a computer might opt for the bundled deal due to buy the computer its perceived value (revised for clarity). However, these consumers may choose to buy the bundle since it provides a great deal for them. In fact, these customers are unlikely to use never utilize the printer, so at last, these printers would become a ultimately rendering it obsolete and contributing to unnecessary waste and can not work anymore after many times.prolonged disuse (revised for clarity).

8 思维导图

- Excessive Consumption
  - Purchasing beyond actual needs
  - Significant issue for society

- Squandering of Resources
  - Generates increased waste

- Persuasive Advertisements
  - Enticing discounts
  - Impulsive acquisitions

- Example: Computer Store Bundle Deal
  - Boost profits and clear space for new merchandise
  - Perceived value leads to unnecessary purchases and waste

9 关键词

1.子项得分 Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2.预估分数

22. 3.任务完成度

这篇文章基本上完成了任务要求，表达了作者的观点并给出了一些支持。但是，文章中有一些语法错误和不清晰的表达。为了提高文章质量，建议在以下方面进行改进：1) 使用更准确和流畅的英语表达；2) 对观点进行更详细的阐述和解释。

示例1: 原文：It is clear that the people around you can give you a more appropriate advice than the information onthe internet. 修改后：It is evident that people around you can provide more suitable advice than the information found on the internet.

示例2: 原文：So,wo can ask some popular people on the internet. 修改后：Thus, we can seek advice from popular individuals or experts on the internet.

4.文章结构与组织 文章结构方面需要改进。虽然有简短的引言、主体和结论，但各段落之间缺乏明确的过渡。建议在以下方面进行改进：1) 在段落之间添加过渡词或短语；2) 确保每个段落都集中讨论一个特定的观点，并提供支持细节。

示例1: 在第二段和第三段之间添加过渡词：However, it is essential to consider that not everyone in our social circle may have adequate knowledge about certain products.

示例2: 在文章结尾部分加强总结：In conclusion, while seeking advice from friends and family can be valuable, it is also beneficial to consult popular individuals or experts on the internet to make well-informed purchasing decisions.

5. 语法批改

I agree with Paul's opinion.It It(Missing space between sentences) is clear that the people around you can give you a more appropriate advice than the information ontheon the(misspelling) internet.Nevertheless Nevertheless(Missing space between sentences),I, I(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) think we can also ask the people who are popular in terms of answering questions on the internet,such, such(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) as some KOLAOL(misspelling).I I(Missing space between sentences) think that when we want to search information on the internet,we, we(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) sometimes don't know what we want to search.Also Also(Missing space between sentences),people, people(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) who around us may don't have knowledgeable about the products.So So(Missing space between sentences),wo, wo(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) can ask some popular people on the internet.For For(Missing space between sentences) example,last, last(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) time I ant[No Replacement Word Found](He scary (He is scary)) to buy a new smartphone,but, but(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) I didn't know the advantages of the variety of phone.At At(Missing space between sentences) last,I, I(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) ask an internet communitycommunity,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) people who solve my questions.Over Over(Missing space between sentences) all,I, I(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) think we can ask popular people on the internet for help.

6.文章修订

I concur with Paul's perspective that seeking advice from friends and family can yield more suitable product recommendations than relying solely on online information. However, I also believe that consulting knowledgeable individuals or Key Opinion Leaders (KOLs) on the internet can be advantageous.

When searching for information online, we may not always know precisely what to look for, and our social circle might lack expertise in specific products. In such cases, turning to popular online personalities or experts can be beneficial. For instance, when I wanted to purchase a new smartphone but was unsure about the various models' advantages, I sought guidance from an internet community member who provided valuable insights.

Overall, while friends and family can offer personalized advice based on their understanding of our preferences, it is essential to consider that they may not always possess adequate knowledge about certain products. Therefore, consulting popular individuals or experts on the internet can help us make well-informed purchasing decisions by combining personal recommendations with expert opinions. (167 words)

I agree 7.文章批改

I concur with Paul's opinion.It is clear that the people around you can give you perspective (revised for a more appropriate formal tone) that seeking advice from friends and family can yield more suitable product recommendations than relying solely on online information. However, I also believe that consulting knowledgeable individuals or Key Opinion Leaders (KOLs) on the internet can be advantageous (revised for clarity and formality).

When searching for information onthe internet.Nevertheless,I think online, we can also ask the people who are may not always know precisely what to look for, and our social circle might lack expertise in specific products (revised for clarity). In such cases, turning to popular in terms of answering questions on the internet,such as some KOL.I think that online personalities or experts can be beneficial (revised for conciseness). For instance, when we want to search information on the internet,we sometimes don't know what we want to search.Also,people who around us may don't have knowledgeable I wanted to purchase a new smartphone but was unsure about the products.So,wo can ask some popular people on the internet.For example,last time I ant to buy a new smartphone,but I didn't know the advantages of the variety of phone.At last,I ask various models' advantages, I sought guidance from an internet community people member who solve my questions.Over all,I think we can ask provided valuable insights (revised for clarity and coherence).

Overall, while friends and family can offer personalized advice based on their understanding of our preferences, it is essential to consider that they may not always possess adequate knowledge about certain products (revised for clarity). Therefore, consulting popular people individuals or experts on the internet for help.can help us make well-informed purchasing decisions by combining personal recommendations with expert opinions (revised for coherence and clarity).

8.思维导图

• Introduction

  • Agree with Paul
  • Friends and family vs. online information
  • KOLs as a valuable resource

• Body

  • Limitations of online searches and social circles
  • Popular online personalities or experts as a solution
  • Personal example: smartphone purchase experience

• Conclusion

  • Balancing personal recommendations and expert opinions

9.关键词

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.5 Language Use and Grammar: 4.5

2. 预估分数

28. 3 任务完成度

整体来说，这篇文章很好地回答了教授的问题，并提供了有力的论据支持观点。但是，为了更好地完成任务，可以在文章中加入一些具体的例子和数据来支持观点。例如，在讨论双十一购物节时，可以提供关于废弃物数量和资源浪费的具体数据。此外，在讨论虚拟产品过度消费时，也可以给出更多详细的例子。

Example 1: During the Double-Eleven event, it is estimated that over 2 million tons of packaging waste is generated, putting a strain on waste management systems and contributing to environmental pollution.

Example 2: A study found that around 67% of gym memberships go unused, resulting in an estimated $1.8 billion wasted annually on underutilized services.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面已经做得很好，包括引言、正文和结论部分。每个段落都集中讨论了一个特定的观点，并提供了支持细节。然而，在段落之间加入更明确的过渡词或短语可以使文章更连贯。

建议1：在第二段和第三段之间加入过渡词，如“此外”或“另一方面”。

Example: "Furthermore, excessive consumption is not limited to tangible goods; it also extends to virtual products like educational and financial services."

建议2：在讨论虚拟产品过度消费时，可以使用对比的过渡词，如“相比之下”。

Example: "In contrast to tangible goods, excessive consumption also extends to virtual products like educational and financial services."

5. 语法批改

I am convinced that over-consumption has evolved into a significant issue in contemporary society. The advancement of technology has provided people with a plethora of shopping options, including online platforms, discount sales, and shopping festivals. These opportunities have led individuals to develop a habit of continuously stocking up on products, resulting in the generation of copious amounts of waste that ultimately fill landfills surrounding major cities.

A prime example is the Double-Eleven event, China's largest online shopping festival. During this time, people tend to stockpile everyday items such as tissues, cosmetics, clothing, and even discount coupons. However, many discover that they still possess these items when the next festival arrives. In some cases, products remain unopened until they expire, contributing to an enormous amount of waste.

Excessive consumption is not limited to tangible goods; it also extends to virtual products like educational and financial services. For instance, numerous individuals are enticed into purchasing gym memberships but only utilize them once or twice. These impulsive decisions result in wasted money and resources.

In conclusion, over-consumption has undeniably become a pressing concern in today's world due to the increasing availability of shopping options and the subsequent accumulation of waste. It is crucial for society to recognize this issue and strive towards more sustainable consumption habits for the betterment of our planet and future generations.

Title: 6 文章修订

Over-consumption has undoubtedly emerged as a significant issue in contemporary society. The proliferation of technology has provided individuals with an abundance of shopping options, such as online platforms, discount sales, and shopping festivals. These opportunities have led to the development of a habit of continuously acquiring products, resulting in the generation of copious amounts of waste that ultimately fill landfills surrounding major cities.

A prime example is China's largest online shopping festival, the Double-Eleven event. During this time, people tend to stockpile everyday items such as tissues, cosmetics, clothing, and even discount coupons. However, many discover that they still possess these items when the next festival arrives. In some cases, products remain unopened until they expire, contributing to an enormous amount of waste.

Excessive consumption is not limited to tangible goods; it also extends to virtual products like educational and financial services. For instance, numerous individuals are enticed into purchasing gym memberships but only utilize them once or twice. These impulsive decisions result in wasted money and resources.

In light of these examples, it is evident that over-consumption has become a pressing concern in today's world due to the increasing availability of shopping options and the subsequent accumulation of waste. It is imperative for society to recognize this issue and strive towards more sustainable consumption habits for the betterment of our planet and future generations. (228 words)

I am convinced that over-consumption Over-consumption has evolved into undoubtedly emerged as a significant issue in contemporary society. society (changed "evolved" to "emerged" for a more natural tone). The advancement proliferation of technology (replaced "advancement" with "proliferation" for better word choice) has provided people individuals with a plethora of shopping options, including an abundance of shopping options (used "abundance" instead of "plethora" for a more natural tone), such as online platforms, discount sales, and shopping festivals. These opportunities have led individuals to develop to the development of a habit of continuously stocking acquiring products (rephrased "stocking up on products, products" to maintain a natural tone), resulting in the generation of copious amounts of waste that ultimately fill landfills surrounding major cities.

A prime example is the Double-Eleven event, China's largest online shopping festival. festival, the Double-Eleven event. During this time, people tend to stockpile everyday items such as tissues, cosmetics, clothing, and even discount coupons. However, many discover that they still possess these items when the next festival arrives. In some cases, products remain unopened until they expire, contributing to an enormous amount of waste.

Excessive consumption is not limited to tangible goods; it also extends to virtual products like educational and financial services. For instance, numerous individuals are enticed into purchasing gym memberships but only utilize them once or twice. These impulsive decisions result in wasted money and resources.

In conclusion, light of these examples (added transition phrase for better flow), it is evident that over-consumption has undeniably become a pressing concern in today's world due to the increasing availability of shopping options and the subsequent accumulation of waste. It is crucial imperative for society to recognize this issue and strive towards more sustainable consumption habits for the betterment of our planet and future generations.generations (rephrased conclusion sentence for clarity).

8 思维导图

graph LR
A[Over-consumption] --> B[Proliferation of technology]
B --> C[Online platforms]
B --> D[Discount sales]
B --> E[Shopping festivals]
A --> F[Double-Eleven event]
F --> G[Stockpiling items]
G --> H[Waste generation]
A --> I[Virtual products consumption]
I --> J[Educational and financial services]
J --> K[Wasted money and resources]
A --> L[Sustainable consumption habits]

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 2.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 2.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. 预估分数

16. 3 任务完成度

此篇文章在任务完成度方面存在一定的问题。首先，文章没有明确回答教授提出的问题，即购买科技产品时人们最容易犯的错误是什么。其次，文章主要讨论了学生使用手机对学习的影响，与原始问题关联性不强。建议重新审视题目要求，并针对问题给出明确的观点和论据。

示例1（改进）：我认为购买科技产品时人们最容易犯的错误是盲目追求高性能设备而忽略自己实际需求。例如，有些人可能会购买一部拥有顶级摄像头的手机，但他们实际上很少拍照。

示例2（改进）：另一个常见错误是消费者在购买硬件时忽略了软件兼容性问题。如果新购买的设备所使用的软件与用户之前所用软件不兼容，可能会导致很多麻烦。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面也有待改进。虽然文章包含了简短的引言、主体和结论，但整体组织不够清晰。建议在文章开头明确提出自己的观点，然后在主体部分逐一阐述论据。此外，文章中缺乏恰当的过渡词汇，使得各个段落之间的衔接不够流畅。

示例1（改进）：首先，在文章开头明确提出观点：“我认为购买科技产品时人们最容易犯的错误是盲目追求高性能设备而忽略自己实际需求。”

示例2（改进）：使用过渡词汇来连接段落：“另一个常见错误是消费者在购买硬件时忽略了软件兼容性问题。这可能导致用户在使用新设备时遇到很多麻烦。”

5. 语法批改

For students, they will beg their parents to buy them mobile phones. Parents find it easier to study this way. But when children get the phone, they can't help themselves. Instead of using their mobile phones to study, they play games. As a result, many students are addicted to the internet and get many diseases.Some Some(Missing space between sentences) students even use their mobile phones to search for answers to homework. This is a very bad behavior. They began to become dependent because any homework requires thinking on a cell phone. Without the mobile phone to do a test, they begin to be clueless about the questions.

Section Title: 6 文章修订

Revised Essay: A prevalent issue among students is the misuse of technology, particularly mobile phones, for purposes other than education. Parents often provide their children with smartphones to facilitate learning; however, this can backfire as students become easily distracted by games and other non-academic activities. Consequently, internet addiction and related health issues may arise. Furthermore, some students rely on their devices to find answers to homework assignments, fostering a detrimental dependency on technology. This behavior hinders critical thinking skills and leaves them unprepared for situations where they must complete tasks without the aid of their mobile phones. (101 words)

For students, Revised Essay: Section Title: 7 文章批改

Revised Essay: A prevalent issue among students is the misuse of technology, particularly mobile phones, for purposes other than education (clarified the focus on misuse of technology). Parents often provide their children with smartphones to facilitate learning (simplified sentence structure); however, this can backfire as students become easily distracted by games and other non-academic activities (added transition word "however" to show contrast). Consequently, internet addiction and related health issues may arise (used "consequently" to show cause and effect). Furthermore, some students rely on their devices to find answers to homework assignments, fostering a detrimental dependency on technology (used "furthermore" to add information). This behavior hinders critical thinking skills and leaves them unprepared for situations where they will beg their parents to buy them mobile phones. Parents find it easier to study this way. But when children get must complete tasks without the phone, they can't help themselves. Instead aid of using their mobile phones to study, they play games. As a result, many students are addicted to the internet (rephrased sentence for clarity and get many diseases.Some students even use their mobile phones to search for answers to homework. This is a very bad behavior. They began to become dependent because any homework requires thinking on a cell phone. Without the mobile phone to do a test, they begin to be clueless about the questions.coherence).

Display title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Prevalent issue
   - Misuse of technology
   - Mobile phones

2. Purpose of smartphones for students
   - Facilitate learning
   - Parental intentions

3. Negative consequences
   - Distractions (games, non-academic activities)
   - Internet addiction
   - Health issues

4. Dependency on technology
   - Finding answers to homework assignments
   - Detrimental effects on critical thinking skills

5. Unpreparedness for real-life situations
   - Completing tasks without mobile phones 

6. Conclusion 

Display title: 9 关键词