TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on Philosophy. Write a post responding to the professor's question.
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Professor
History and literature are filled with stories of rugged individuals who become heroes by going their own way and ignoring the popular behavior, beliefs, and actions of their peers. On the other hand, we all live in a society where, as members of a community, we are expected to behave (and rewarded for behaving) like the other members of the community. Before next class, I want you to consider the following question: To what extent do the notions of individuality and conformity have impact on our society?
Student A
If individual members of society never thought differently, dressed differ-ently, or acted differently, society would have no chance to progress. Most of our great breakthroughs have been achieved by people who were not afraid to be different from the crowd.
Student B
Individuality is like salt-a small amount adds flavor to our lives, but too much ruins the whole dish. There is no problem with going against the crowd, assuming the defiant act is modest in scope and does not harm or damage others.
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From my prespective, the extent of individuality and conformity having impact on our society depends on different situations. On the one hand, individulas in groups or conmunities should have their own crtical thinking. It is good to keep our own thoughts and not going with the crowd all the time. For example, people are not so obejective online, and may even be aggresive. This is when cyber-violence may happen, and at this situation, people keep crtical thinking will be able to stay calm, and not follow the crowd on attacking others. Therefore, at this circumstances, being out of the crowd actually brings a positive impact to the whole society. However, if one is going against the crowd just to gain attention, then this will bring a negative impact to the society. For instance, some influencer apload videos that include impropriate actions just to get foot traffic. Under this situation, being out of crowd is unacceptable. To conclude, the extent of notion from individuals have on our society should be based on different situation.
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1.子项得分
Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5
2.预估分数
26. 3.任务完成度
这篇文章在回答问题方面做得很好，表达了个人观点并提供了一些例子。但是，有一些语法错误和不清晰的表达需要改进。为了提高文章质量，我建议：
- 修改语法错误和不清晰的表达。
- 使用更丰富的词汇和句式结构。
示例1（改进前）：From my prespective, the extent of individuality and conformity having impact on our society depends on different situations. 示例1（改进后）：From my perspective, the extent to which individuality and conformity impact our society varies depending on different situations.
示例2（改进前）：On the one hand, individulas in groups or conmunities should have their own crtical thinking. 示例2（改进后）：On the one hand, individuals in groups or communities should possess their own critical thinking skills.
4.文章结构与组织
这篇文章的结构基本上是清晰的，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在段落之间的过渡和连接方面还有待加强。为了提高文章的组织结构，我建议：
- 在段落之间使用更明确的过渡词或短语。
- 确保每个段落都集中讨论一个具体的观点，并提供相关的细节和例子。
示例1（改进前）：However, if one is going against the crowd just to gain attention, then this will bring a negative impact to the society. 示例1（改进后）：On the other hand, if one goes against the crowd merely to gain attention, it will bring a negative impact on society.
示例2（改进前）：To conclude, the extent of notion from individuals have on our society should be based on different situation. 示例2（改进后）：In conclusion, the impact of individuality and conformity on our society should be assessed based on different situations.
- 语法批改
From my prespectiveperspective(misspelling), the extent of individuality and conformity having impact on our society depends on different situations. On the one hand, individulasindividuals(misspelling) in groups or conmunitiescommunities(misspelling) should have their own crticalcritical(misspelling) thinking. It is good to keep our own thoughts and not going with the crowd all the time. For example, people are not so obejectiveobjective(misspelling) online, and may even be aggresiveaggressive(misspelling). This is when cyber-violence may happen, and atin(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) this situation, people keep crticalcritical(misspelling) thinking will be able to stay calm, and not follow the crowd on attacking others. Therefore, atin(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) thisthese('this' vs. 'these') circumstances, being out of the crowd actually brings a positive impact to the whole society. However, if one is going against the crowd just to gain attention, then this will bring a negative impact to the society. For instance, some influencer aploadupload(misspelling) videos that include impropriateappropriate(misspelling) actions just to get foot traffic. Under this situation, being out of crowdthe crowd(This rule identifies whether the article 'the' is missing in a sentence.) is unacceptable. To conclude, the extent of notion from individuals have on our society should be based on different situation.
6.文章修订
In my perspective, the extent to which individuality and conformity impact our society varies depending on different situations. On one hand, individuals within groups or communities should possess their own critical thinking skills. Maintaining independent thoughts and not always conforming to the crowd can be beneficial. For instance, during instances of online aggression, people with critical thinking abilities can remain calm and avoid joining the crowd in attacking others. In such circumstances, deviating from the norm has a positive effect on society.
On the other hand, if one goes against the crowd merely to gain attention, it will bring a negative impact on society. For example, some influencers upload videos containing inappropriate actions solely to increase their viewership. In this situation, standing out from the crowd is detrimental. Thus, the influence of individuality and conformity on our society should be assessed based on specific situations. (146 words)
From 7.文章批改
In my prespective, perspective (revised for clarity), the extent of to which individuality and conformity having impact on our society depends varies depending on different situations. situations (revised for grammar and clarity). On the one hand, individulas in individuals within groups or conmunities communities should have possess their own crtical thinking. It is good to keep our own critical thinking skills (corrected spelling and grammar). Maintaining independent thoughts and not going always conforming to the crowd can be beneficial (rephrased for clarity). For instance, during instances of online aggression, people with the crowd all the time. For example, people are not so obejective online, and may even be aggresive. This is when cyber-violence may happen, and at this situation, people keep crtical critical thinking will be able to stay calm, and not follow the crowd on abilities can remain calm and avoid joining the crowd in attacking others. Therefore, at this others (revised for grammar and clarity). In such circumstances, being out of the crowd actually brings deviating from the norm has a positive impact to the whole society. However, effect on society (rephrased for better flow).
On the other hand, if one is going goes against the crowd just merely to gain attention, then this it will bring a negative impact to the society. on society (rephrased for better flow). For instance, example, some influencer apload influencers upload videos that include impropriate containing inappropriate actions just to get foot traffic. Under solely to increase their viewership (corrected spelling and rephrased for clarity). In this situation, being standing out from the crowd is detrimental (rephrased for better flow). Thus, the influence of crowd is unacceptable. To conclude, the extent of notion from individuals have individuality and conformity on our society should be assessed based on different situation.specific situations (revised for grammar and clarity).
8.思维导图
-
Introduction
- Individuality and conformity
- Impact on society
- Varying situations
-
Positive aspects of individuality
- Critical thinking skills
- Independent thoughts
- Example: online aggression
-
Negative aspects of individuality
- Attention-seeking behavior
- Example: inappropriate content by influencers
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Conclusion
- Assess impact based on specific situations
9.关键词
| Word | Phonetic Symbol | Part of Speech | English definition | Simplified Chinese translation | Sample sentences |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| perspective | /pərˈspektɪv/ | noun | a particular way of considering something | 观点 | From my perspective, individuality plays a crucial role in society. |
| critical | /ˈkrɪtɪkəl/ | adjective | expressing or involving an analysis of the merits and faults | 批判的 | Critical thinking skills are essential for making informed decisions. |
| conformity | /kənˈfɔrmɪti/ | noun | compliance with standards, rules, or laws | 遵从 | Conformity can sometimes stifle creativity and innovation. |
| detrimental | /detrimental/ | adjective | /detrimental/ | /有害的/ | /Too much exposure to the sun can be detrimental to your skin./ |
| circumstances | /ˈsɜrkəmstænsiz/ | /noun/ | /the conditions that affect a situation, action, or event/ | /环境，情况/ | /In certain circumstances, it's better to remain silent than to speak out./ |
| aggression | /əˈgrɛʃən/ | /noun/ | /hostile or violent behavior or attitudes toward another/ | /侵略，攻击/ | /Online aggression can lead to a toxic environment for users./ |
| detrimental | /ˌdɛtrɪˈmɛntl/ | /adjective/ | /tending to cause harm/ | /有害的/ | /Smoking is detrimental to your health./ |
| assess | /əˈsɛs/ | verb | evaluate or estimate the nature, ability, or quality of something | 评估 | We should assess the situation before making any decisions. |
| viewership | /ˈvjuːərʃɪp/ | noun | the audience for a particular television program or channel | 观众人数 | The show's viewership has increased since its premiere. |
| attention-seeking | /əˈtɛnʃən siːkɪŋ/ | adjective | behaving in a way that is intended to attract attention | 寻求关注的 | Attention-seeking behavior can be harmful when it leads to negative actions. |
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