TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on business. Write a post responding to the professor s question.

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

Estimated Score: 28

3. 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得相当不错，但仍有改进的空间。首先，你可以更具体地说明公司如何通过关注自身运营来产生积极影响。此外，你提到了特斯拉的例子，但没有详细解释它是如何解决全球变暖问题的。为了使论证更加有力，可以考虑提供更多详细信息和例子。

改进建议示例1（英文）： Instead of simply mentioning Tesla, you could explain how their electric cars help reduce carbon emissions, which in turn helps combat global warming.

改进建议示例2（英文）： You could also discuss how companies that focus on sustainable practices, such as using renewable energy sources or reducing waste, can have a long-term positive impact on society.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面表现良好，但仍有一些需要改进的地方。首先，在引言部分，可以明确指出你同意Sarah的观点，并简要概述你将在正文中讨论的论点。其次，在正文部分，可以考虑使用主题句来引导每段内容，并确保每个段落都集中讨论一个具体的观点。最后，在结论部分，可以总结你的主要观点，并强调为什么关注公司运营比慈善捐赠更能产生积极的社会影响。

改进建议示例1（英文）： Introduction: "In this essay, I will argue that companies should focus on their operations, as Sarah suggests, and I will provide examples of how technology and sustainable practices can have a lasting positive impact on society."

改进建议示例2（英文）： Body paragraph topic sentence: "One way companies can have a positive impact on society is by developing innovative technologies that address pressing social and environmental issues."

5. 语法批改

I agree with Sarah’s proposition that companies should focus on their operations. Additionally, I would like to highlight that advanced technology created by companies can contribute to the society. John raises a relevant concern about charitable giving, but he fails to acknowledge that charitable giving is temporary for this era, which doesn’t last for a long term. It is technology brought by companies that will make a difference to the society. For example, the appearance of Tesla has solved the global warming problem in some degree. Without the companies developing electric cars, humans will be suffered from fossils and many other problems, which can’t be solved by simply charitable giving.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

I concur with Sarah's assertion that companies should concentrate on their operations, and I would like to emphasize the significant role that advanced technology developed by these organizations can play in benefiting society. While John raises a valid point regarding the immediate impact of charitable giving, he overlooks the fact that such contributions are often short-lived and may not address long-term challenges. The innovative technologies introduced by companies, such as Tesla's electric vehicles, have the potential to make a lasting difference in tackling pressing issues like global warming. By focusing on sustainable business practices and technological advancements, corporations can create meaningful change that extends beyond the temporary relief provided by philanthropy alone. (117 words)

I agree concur with Sarah’s proposition Sarah's assertion (revised for a more formal tone) that companies should focus concentrate on their operations. Additionally, operations, and I would like to highlight emphasize (clarified the intended meaning) the significant role that advanced technology created developed by companies these organizations can contribute to the play in benefiting society. While John raises a relevant concern about valid point (improved phrasing for clarity) regarding the immediate impact of charitable giving, but he fails overlooks the fact that such contributions are often short-lived and may not address long-term challenges. The innovative technologies introduced by companies, such as Tesla's electric vehicles, have the potential to acknowledge that charitable giving is temporary for this era, which doesn’t last for a long term. It is technology brought by companies that will make a lasting difference to in tackling pressing issues like global warming. By focusing on sustainable business practices and technological advancements, corporations can create meaningful change that extends beyond the society. For example, the appearance of Tesla has solved the global warming problem in some degree. Without the companies developing electric cars, humans will be suffered from fossils temporary relief provided by philanthropy alone (rephrased for better flow and many other problems, which can’t be solved by simply charitable giving.clarity).

8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Sarah's assertion
   - Importance of advanced technology

2. John's point
   - Charitable giving
   - Short-lived impact

3. Tesla example
   - Electric vehicles
   - Tackling global warming

4. Sustainable business practices
   - Long-term benefits

5. Technological advancements
   - Creating meaningful change

6. Conclusion
   - Beyond temporary relief of philanthropy

9 关键词