TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on business. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

整体来说，你的文章回答了问题并表达了自己的观点。但是，有一些地方需要改进。首先，在论述观点时，可以提供更多具体的例子和细节来支持你的观点。此外，尽量避免使用过于复杂的句子结构，以便让读者更容易理解你的意思。

改进建议：

1. 在论述观点时提供更多具体的例子和细节。 例如：在谈论青少年受到不良影响时，可以举一个具体的社交媒体现象或事件作为例子。

2. 简化句子结构，使文章更易理解。 例如：将 "Therefor it is essential to consider that if teenagers watch a lot of violent and pornographic contents without any proper guidance from their parents, they my have some misbehaviors." 改为 "It is essential to consider that teenagers may develop misbehaviors if they watch violent and pornographic content without proper guidance from their parents."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面还有待提高。虽然文章包含了引言、主体和结论，但各段落之间的过渡并不明显。建议在段落之间使用过渡词或短语来帮助读者更好地理解你的观点。

改进建议：

1. 在段落之间使用过渡词或短语。 例如：在第一段和第二段之间，可以加入 "However, it is important to note that" 作为过渡。

2. 确保每个段落都有一个明确的主题句，概括该段落的主要观点。 例如：在讨论青少年受到不良影响的段落中，可以将 "My personal belief is that there are bunches of teenagers among the influencers’ fans." 改为 "A major concern is the negative impact of influencers on teenagers, who make up a significant portion of their fan base."

5. 语法批改

In my opinion, social influencers have a negative effect on their followers. My personal belief is that there are bunches of teenagers among the influencers’ fans. ThereforTherefor,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) it is essential to consider that if teenagers watch a lot of violent and pornographic contents without any proper guidance from their parents, they my[No Replacement Word Found](We the best (missing verb)) have some misbehaviorsmisbehavior(misspelling). Because, a lot of influencers fails to consider whether their videos under morality, instead, they only take their own profit into consideration. I totally agree with Paul’s point about that fans will follow their influencers’ choices blindly, and I would like to add that it will lead to the degradation of social atmosphere. For example, if teenagers buy their influencers’ clothes and shoes of same bands without limitation, it will encourage the potential money worship.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In my opinion, social media influencers generally have a negative impact on their followers. I believe that a significant portion of their audience consists of impressionable teenagers who may be exposed to inappropriate content without proper parental guidance. Many influencers prioritize profit over the moral implications of their posts, leading to the potential for negative influences on their followers. I concur with Paul's assertion that fans often blindly follow their influencers' choices, and I would like to emphasize that this behavior can contribute to the degradation of societal values. For instance, if teenagers continuously purchase items promoted by influencers without restraint, it may inadvertently promote materialism and consumerism in society. (115 words)

In my opinion, social media influencers generally have a negative effect impact on their followers (revised for clarity and conciseness). I believe that a significant portion of their audience consists of impressionable teenagers (rephrased for better flow) who may be exposed to inappropriate content without proper parental guidance (clarified meaning). Many influencers prioritize profit over the moral implications of their posts (rephrased for clarity), leading to the potential for negative influences on their followers. My personal belief is that there are bunches of teenagers among the influencers’ fans. Therefor it is essential to consider that if teenagers watch a lot of violent and pornographic contents without any proper guidance from their parents, they my have some misbehaviors. Because, a lot of influencers fails to consider whether their videos under morality, instead, they only take their own profit into consideration. I totally agree concur with Paul’s point about Paul's assertion that fans will often blindly follow their influencers’ influencers' choices blindly, (improved flow), and I would like to add emphasize that it will lead this behavior can contribute to the degradation of social atmosphere. societal values (clarified meaning). For example, instance, if teenagers buy their influencers’ clothes continuously purchase items promoted by influencers without restraint (rephrased for better flow), it may inadvertently promote materialism and shoes of same bands without limitation, it will encourage the potential money worship.consumerism in society (clarified meaning).

8 思维导图

1. 社交媒体影响力
   - 负面影响
   - 受众群体

2. 青少年受影响
   - 模仿行为
   - 不适当内容

3. 利益驱动
   - 道德考量次要
   - 错误价值观传播

4. 盲目跟风现象
   - 影响社会价值观

5. 促进物质主义和消费主义

9 关键词

6 Article Revision

In my opinion, social media influencers generally have a negative impact on their followers. I believe that a significant portion of their audience consists of impressionable teenagers who may be exposed to inappropriate content without proper parental guidance. Many influencers prioritize profit over the moral implications of their posts, leading to the potential for negative influences on their followers. I concur with Paul's assertion that fans often blindly follow their influencers' choices, and I would like to emphasize that this behavior can contribute to the degradation of societal values. For instance, if teenagers continuously purchase items promoted by influencers without restraint, it may inadvertently promote materialism and consumerism in society.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

25. 3 任务完成度

你的文章基本上满足了任务要求，但在语言使用和论据方面还有待提高。首先，在语法和词汇方面，你需要注意一些小错误，并尝试使用更丰富的词汇和句式。其次，在论证方面，可以考虑提供更具体的例子来支持你的观点。

Example 1: Original: "With a lot of user, they can get a lot of attention even the company does not invite famous people." Improved: "With numerous users, these platforms can garner significant attention even without featuring celebrities in their advertisements."

Example 2: Original: "However, they do not mention that most people use telephone and spend less time on television." Improved: "However, it is important to consider that many individuals primarily use their smartphones for entertainment and spend less time watching television."

4. 文章结构与组织

从文章结构和组织角度来看，你的文章整体上是清晰的，但仍有改进空间。首先，可以在开头部分加入一个简短的引言来引出主题。其次，在正文部分，建议将不同观点进行更明确的划分，并使用恰当的过渡词汇连接各个段落。

Example 1: Original: "In my opinion, using ordinary people to introduce the product is more effective than using famous people, since as the development of the internet, the ordinary people can also have a big influence." Improved: "In my opinion, utilizing ordinary people to promote products is more effective than relying on celebrities. This is because, with the advancement of the internet, even ordinary individuals can exert a significant influence."

Example 2: Original: "By doing so, the company can reduce the cost of advertisement and attract the customers’ s attention." Improved: "As a result, companies can not only reduce advertising costs but also effectively capture customers' attention."

5. 语法批改

In my opinion, using ordinary people to introduce the product is more effective than using famous people, since as the development of the internet, the ordinary people can also have a big influence. To elaborate, more and more people use their telephone to watch live, which is popular among society. The people who equipped with good sale skill will promote the sale of the production. For example, a lot of people sale the product on the internet platform, such as TiktokTikTok(TikTok). With a lot of user, they can get a lot of attentionattention,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) even the company does not invite famous people. By doing so, the company can reduce the cost of advertisement and attract the customers’ scustomers’s(space after apostrophe in contraction (e.g. I' m)) attention. Nevertheless, some might claim that famous people can attract customers’ attention in a short time. However, they do not mention that most people use telephone and spend less time on television. The customers spend theirthere(their/they're (there) is/are) a lot of time on the internet platform.

Title: 6 文章修订

In my view, utilizing ordinary individuals to promote products proves more effective than relying on celebrities, especially given the widespread influence of the internet. The popularity of live streaming and social media platforms has provided a stage for those with exceptional sales skills to significantly impact product sales. For instance, numerous individuals market products on platforms like TikTok, garnering substantial attention without requiring celebrity endorsements. This approach not only reduces advertising costs but also effectively captures the target audience's interest. While some may argue that celebrities can quickly draw customers' attention, it is essential to consider the shift in media consumption habits. With an increasing number of people using smartphones and spending less time watching television, consumers are now primarily engaged with internet platforms. (127 words)

In my opinion, using view, utilizing ordinary people individuals (revised for clarity and formality) to introduce the product is promote products proves more effective than using famous people, since as relying on celebrities (revised for clarity), especially given the development widespread influence of the internet, internet (revised for clarity and conciseness). The popularity of live streaming and social media platforms (revised for clarity) has provided a stage for those with exceptional sales skills to significantly impact product sales (revised for clarity and conciseness). For instance, numerous individuals market products on platforms like TikTok (revised for clarity), garnering substantial attention without requiring celebrity endorsements (revised for clarity). This approach not only reduces advertising costs but also effectively captures the ordinary people target audience's interest (revised for clarity and conciseness). While some may argue that celebrities can also have a big influence. To elaborate, more quickly draw customers' attention, it is essential to consider the shift in media consumption habits (revised for clarity and more people use their telephone to watch live, which is popular among society. The people who equipped with good sale skill will promote the sale of the production. For example, a lot conciseness). With an increasing number of people sale the product on the internet platform, such as Tiktok. With a lot of user, they can get a lot of attention even the company does not invite famous people. By doing so, the company can reduce the cost of advertisement using smartphones and attract the customers’ s attention. Nevertheless, some might claim that famous people can attract customers’ attention in a short time. However, they do not mention that most people use telephone and spend spending less time on television. The customers spend their a lot of time on the watching television, consumers are now primarily engaged with internet platform.platforms (revised for clarity and conciseness).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Ordinary individuals vs. celebrities
   - Internet influence

2. Live streaming and social media platforms
   - Stage for exceptional sales skills
   - Example: TikTok

3. Benefits of using ordinary individuals
   - Reduced advertising costs
   - Target audience engagement

4. Shift in media consumption habits
   - Increased smartphone usage
   - Decreased television viewing

5. Conclusion
   - Effectiveness of ordinary individuals in product promotion

Title: 9 关键词

Title: 6 文章修订

In my view, utilizing ordinary individuals to promote products proves more effective than relying on celebrities, especially given the widespread influence of the internet. The popularity of live streaming and social media platforms has provided a stage for those with exceptional sales skills to significantly impact product sales. For instance, numerous individuals market products on platforms like TikTok, garnering substantial attention without requiring celebrity endorsements. This approach not only reduces advertising costs but also effectively captures the target audience's interest. While some may argue that celebrities can quickly draw customers' attention, it is essential to consider the shift in media consumption habits. With an increasing number of people using smartphones and spending less time watching television, consumers are now primarily engaged with internet platforms.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

从任务完成度的角度来看，这篇文章基本上满足了题目要求，表达了作者对于学习管理技能的看法，并给出了一些支持观点的论据。但是，文章在论述过程中存在一些语言表达不清晰和语法错误的问题。建议在写作时注意遣词造句，尽量使用准确、简洁的表达方式。同时，注意检查语法错误，以提高文章的整体质量。

示例1（改进前）：As far as I am concerned, I believe that these future businessprople would benefit most from learning management skills. 示例1（改进后）：In my opinion, I believe that future business people would benefit most from learning management skills.

示例2（改进前）：First and foremost, if they do not know how to lead teams , future businessprople woul too tired to sell their products by themselves which would lead their companies to be mass. 示例2（改进后）：First and foremost, if they do not know how to lead teams, future business people would be too exhausted to sell their products by themselves, which could result in a chaotic company.

4. 文章结构与组织

从文章结构与组织的角度来看，这篇文章具有明确的结构，包括引言、正文和结论。但是，文章在段落划分和逻辑组织方面还有待改进。建议在写作时注意每个段落的主题句和承上启下的过渡句，以提高文章的逻辑性和连贯性。

示例1（改进前）：First and foremost, if they do not know how to lead teams , future businessprople woul too tired to sell their products by themselves which would lead their companies to be mass. 示例1（改进后）：First and foremost, the ability to lead teams is crucial for future business people. Without this skill, they would be too exhausted to sell their products by themselves, resulting in a chaotic company.

示例2（改进前）：Furthermore, if future businessprople do not know how to motiveate employees, the environment of work would be negative. 示例2（改进后）：Furthermore, knowing how to motivate employees is essential for creating a positive work environment. If future business people lack this skill, it could negatively impact the company's performance.

5. 语法批改

As far as I am concerned, I believe that these future businessproplebusiness professionals would benefit most from learning management skills. First and foremost, if they do not know how to lead teams ,teams, future businessprople woulbusiness professionals could become too tired to sell their products by themselvesthemselves, which would lead their companies to be mass.collapse. Therefore, lotsa lot of work will be usedrequired to solve the problems. Furthermore, if future businessproplebusiness professionals do not know how to motiveatemotivate employees, the environment of work wouldwill be negative. Because of that,this, the money, whichcompany's earnings will decrease, and this could lead to the company earn, will be less and less. This will cause the bones decrease and even the company dead.company's downfall. In conclusion, given thathe arguments and examples presented above, I believe that these future businessproplebusiness professionals would benefit most from learning management skills.

Title: 6 Article Revision

In my opinion, future businesspeople would greatly benefit from focusing on developing their management skills. Primarily, effective leadership is crucial for a successful business, as it enables entrepreneurs to delegate tasks and efficiently manage teams. Without strong management skills, business owners may find themselves overwhelmed with responsibilities, leading to disorganization and potential failure.

Moreover, fostering a positive work environment through employee motivation is another essential aspect of management. A well-motivated workforce contributes significantly to the overall success of a company. If future businesspeople lack the ability to inspire their employees, they may experience decreased productivity and profits, ultimately putting the company's survival at risk. Therefore, I firmly believe that acquiring management skills should be a top priority for aspiring entrepreneurs. (124 words)

As far In my opinion, future businesspeople (corrected "businessprople" for proper spelling and clarity) would greatly benefit from focusing on developing their management skills. Primarily, effective leadership is crucial for a successful business, as it enables entrepreneurs to delegate tasks and efficiently manage teams (rephrased for clarity and coherence). Without strong management skills, business owners may find themselves overwhelmed with responsibilities, leading to disorganization and potential failure (restructured sentence for better flow).

Moreover, fostering a positive work environment through employee motivation is another essential aspect of management (rephrased for clarity). A well-motivated workforce contributes significantly to the overall success of a company. If future businesspeople (corrected "businessprople" again) lack the ability to inspire their employees, they may experience decreased productivity and profits (rephrased for coherence), ultimately putting the company's survival at risk. Therefore, I am concerned, I firmly believe that these future businessprople would benefit most from learning acquiring management skills. First and foremost, if they do not know how to lead teams ¶ , future businessprople woul too tired to sell their products by themselves which would lead their companies to skills should be mass. Therefore, lots of work will be used to solve the problems. Furthermore, if future businessprople do not know how to motiveate employees, the environment of work would be negative. Because of that, the money, which the company earn, will be less and less. This will cause the bones decrease and even the company dead. In conclusion, given tha arguments and examples presented above, I believe that these future businessprople would benefit most from learning management skills.a top priority for aspiring entrepreneurs (concluding statement rephrased for emphasis).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Importance of management skills

2. Effective leadership
   - Delegating tasks
   - Managing teams

3. Consequences of poor management skills
   - Overwhelmed with responsibilities
   - Disorganization and potential failure

4. Positive work environment
   - Employee motivation

5. Well-motivated workforce benefits
   - Increased productivity and profits

6. Risks of lacking management skills
   - Decreased productivity and profits
   - Company's survival at risk

7. Conclusion 
   - Management skills as a top priority for aspiring entrepreneurs

Title: 9 关键词