TOEFL TPO 17 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on education. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

Estimated Score: 27

3. 任务完成度

您的文章在回应问题方面做得很好，但仍有改进的空间。首先，您需要更详细地解释为什么允许学生选择不上课会对他们有益。其次，您可以提供一些具体的例子来支持您的观点，这将使您的论据更有说服力。

改进示例1: 例如，通过参加实习或志愿者活动，学生可以在现实世界中应用所学知识，并从中获得宝贵经验。

改进示例2: 此外，在线教育资源和远程学习工具使得学生可以在自己适合的时间和地点进行学习，从而提高了学习效率。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章整体结构清晰，但可以通过以下方式进行优化：首先，在引言部分简要介绍一下讨论话题，并明确表达您的观点。其次，在正文部分为每个主要观点提供一个段落，并使用恰当的过渡词来连接不同段落。最后，在结论部分总结您的观点并呼应引言。

改进示例1: 引言：在当前的高等教育环境中，许多人提议实行自主出勤政策。我同意克莱尔的观点，认为这种政策有助于学生更好地利用时间并提高自身能力。

改进示例2: 过渡词：然而，这种自主出勤政策也可能带来一些负面影响。例如，缺乏课堂纪律可能导致学生难以适应职场环境。

5. 语法批改

I concur with Claire's viewpoint that university students can be allowed to choose not to attend classes and their grades should be based entirely on exams or papers. With the competitive job market, university students must pay more attention onto(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) themselvesthemselves,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) alignto align(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) their soft skills with their technical skills. Therefore, participating in various activities is a crucial decision for every student, such as doing some internships relating to their major, experiencing different pressure and culture in different industries and so on. After that, students can be furnished with comprehensive knowledgesknowledge(misspelling) in order to meet needs at work. However, an optional-attendance policy is a golden opportunity for university students to enhaceenhance(misspelling) themselves, because students can make full use of time which should be in the class.

Section Title: 6 文章修订

Revised Essay: I agree with Claire's perspective that university students should have the option to not attend classes, with their grades being determined solely by exams or papers. In today's competitive job market, it is essential for students to focus on developing both their soft and technical skills. Engaging in various activities, such as internships related to their major or exploring diverse industries and cultures, can significantly contribute to their overall growth. Consequently, this equips them with comprehensive knowledge and experiences necessary for meeting workplace demands. An optional-attendance policy presents a valuable opportunity for university students to optimize their time management and enhance personal development by allocating time that would otherwise be spent in class towards more enriching experiences. (123 words)

Revised Essay: I concur agree with Claire's viewpoint perspective (1) that university students should have the option to not attend classes, with their grades being determined solely by exams or papers (2). In today's competitive job market, it is essential for students to focus on developing both their soft and technical skills (3). Engaging in various activities, such as internships related to their major or exploring diverse industries and cultures, can significantly contribute to their overall growth (4). Consequently, this equips them with comprehensive knowledge and experiences necessary for meeting workplace demands (5). An optional-attendance policy presents a valuable opportunity for university students to optimize their time management and enhance personal development by allocating time that would otherwise be spent in class towards more enriching experiences (6).

(1) Changed "I concur with Claire's viewpoint" to "I agree with Claire's perspective" for a more natural tone.

(2) Reworded "can be allowed to choose not to attend classes and their grades should be based entirely on exams or papers. With the competitive job market, university papers" for clarity.

(3) Reworded "university students must pay more attention on themselves align their soft skills with their technical skills. Therefore, participating skills" for better flow and clarity.

(4) Combined two sentences into one and rephrased "participating in various activities is a crucial decision for every student, such as doing some internships relating to their major, experiencing different pressure and culture in different industries and so on. After that, students on" for conciseness.

(5) Changed "students can be furnished with comprehensive knowledges in order to meet needs at work. However, an optional-attendance policy is a golden opportunity for university students to enhace themselves, because students can make full use of time which should be in work" to improve grammar and clarity.

(6) Reworded the class.last sentence for better flow and coherence.

8 思维导图

- 主题: 大学生可选择不上课，成绩完全由考试或论文决定
  - 竞争激烈的就业市场
    - 学生需要发展软技能和技术技能
  - 参加各种活动
    - 与专业相关的实习
    - 探索不同行业和文化
  - 全面的知识和经验
    - 满足职场需求
  - 可选择性出勤政策
    - 时间管理优化
    - 提高个人发展水平

9 关键词