TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on social studies. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1.子项得分 Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2.预估分数

27. 3.任务完成度

整体来说，这篇文章回答了教授的问题，并表达了作者的观点。但是，为了更好地完成任务，建议在论述中加入更多具体的例子和细节。此外，尝试使用更多的连接词和短语来使文章更连贯。

Example 1: Instead of "In addition to Paul’s idea, I add that following the blogers blindly, individuals would compare themselves to them, who live a fancy and perfect life, which could result in more frustration and anxioty." Try "Furthermore, when people blindly follow influencers, they tend to compare themselves to these seemingly perfect lives, which can lead to increased feelings of frustration and anxiety."

Example 2: Instead of "As he mentioned, people will instantly buy the things posed by the celebarities, immitating them, without original thinking," Try "As Paul mentioned, followers often make impulsive purchases based on influencers' recommendations without considering their own needs or preferences."

4.文章结构与组织 这篇文章的结构基本清晰，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在组织上还有改进的空间。建议在段落之间使用更明确的过渡词或短语，并确保每个段落都集中讨论一个特定的观点。

Example 1: Instead of "While I can see Kelly’s point that following influencers on line is an efficient approach to know the prevailing trends, I agree with Paul’s idea that influencers have a negative effect on their followers." Try "Although Kelly argues that following influencers online is an efficient way to stay updated on current trends, I concur with Paul's perspective that influencers generally have a negative impact on their followers."

Example 2: Instead of "In addition to Paul’s idea, I add that following the blogers blindly, individuals would compare themselves to them, who live a fancy and perfect life, which could result in more frustration and anxioty." Try "Building upon Paul's argument, another negative aspect of following influencers blindly is the tendency for individuals to compare themselves to these seemingly perfect lives, ultimately leading to increased feelings of frustration and anxiety."

5. 语法批改

While I can see Kelly’s point that following influencers on lineonline(on boarding (onboarding)) is an efficient approach to know the prevailing trends, I agree with Paul’s idea that influencers have a negative effect on their followers. As he mentioned, people will instantly buy the things posed by the celebaritiescelebrities(misspelling), immitatingimitating(misspelling) them, without original thinking, which will lead to not only getting something they don’t actually need, but also wasting money.

In addition to Paul’s idea, I add that following the blogersbloggers(misspelling) blindly, individuals would compare themselves to them, who live a fancy and perfect life, which could result in more frustration and anxiotyanxiety(misspelling). They will consider their own life boring and give up trying to pursue their own dreams.

6.文章修订

Although Kelly argues that following influencers online is an efficient way to stay updated on current trends, I concur with Paul's perspective that influencers generally have a negative impact on their followers. As Paul mentioned, followers often make impulsive purchases based on influencers' recommendations without considering their own needs or preferences, leading to unnecessary spending and potential dissatisfaction.

Building upon Paul's argument, another negative aspect of following influencers blindly is the tendency for individuals to compare themselves to these seemingly perfect lives, ultimately leading to increased feelings of frustration and anxiety. This constant comparison can cause people to lose sight of their own goals and aspirations in pursuit of an unattainable ideal.

Furthermore, the excessive influence of social media personalities may also contribute to the erosion of critical thinking skills among their followers. Instead of forming their own opinions and making informed decisions, individuals may become overly reliant on the views and preferences of influencers, which could have detrimental effects on personal growth and development.

To mitigate these negative consequences, it is essential for individuals to maintain a healthy balance between seeking inspiration from influencers and cultivating their own unique interests and perspectives. By doing so, they can benefit from the wealth of information available online while still fostering a strong sense of self-identity and autonomy. (217 words)

While I can see Kelly’s point 7.文章批改

Although Kelly argues that following influencers on line online is an efficient approach to know the prevailing trends, way to stay updated on current trends (revised for clarity and cohesion), I agree concur with Paul’s idea Paul's perspective that influencers generally have a negative effect impact on their followers. As he Paul mentioned, people will instantly buy the things posed by the celebarities, immitating them, followers often make impulsive purchases based on influencers' recommendations without original thinking, which will lead to not only getting something they don’t actually need, but also wasting money. ¶ In addition to Paul’s idea, I add that considering their own needs or preferences (revised for grammar and sentence structure), leading to unnecessary spending and potential dissatisfaction.

Building upon Paul's argument (improved transition), another negative aspect of following the blogers blindly, influencers blindly is the tendency for individuals would to compare themselves to them, who live a fancy and these seemingly perfect life, lives (revised for clarity), ultimately leading to increased feelings of frustration and anxiety. This constant comparison can cause people to lose sight of their own goals and aspirations in pursuit of an unattainable ideal (revised for vocabulary).

Furthermore, the excessive influence of social media personalities may also contribute to the erosion of critical thinking skills among their followers (improved vocabulary). Instead of forming their own opinions and making informed decisions, individuals may become overly reliant on the views and preferences of influencers, which could result in more frustration and anxioty. They will consider their own life boring and give up trying to pursue their own dreams.have detrimental effects on personal growth and development (revised for grammar and sentence structure).

To mitigate these negative consequences, it is essential for individuals to maintain a healthy balance between seeking inspiration from influencers and cultivating their own unique interests and perspectives (improved vocabulary). By doing so, they can benefit from the wealth of information available online while still fostering a strong sense of self-identity and autonomy (revised for cohesion).

8.思维导图

• Introduction

  • Kelly's viewpoint: efficiency
  • Paul's viewpoint: negative impact

• Impulsive purchases

  • Influencers' recommendations
  • Unnecessary spending

• Comparison to perfect lives

  • Frustration and anxiety
  • Losing sight of personal goals

• Erosion of critical thinking skills

  • Overreliance on influencers' views
  • Detrimental effects on personal growth

• Maintaining a healthy balance

  • Seeking inspiration from influencers
  • Cultivating unique interests and perspectives

9.关键词