TOEFL TPO 28 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on consumer behavior. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

25. 3 任务完成度

从任务完成度的角度来看，这篇文章基本上满足了题目要求。你表达了自己的观点，并通过一个具体的例子来支持你的观点。但是，你可以进一步改进以下方面：

1. 使用更多的连接词和短语，使文章更连贯。

2. 注意语法和词汇的准确性。

英文示例：

1. 在文章中加入更多连接词，例如：“However, after a trial for a month, I soon found the device to be boring and unnecessary, as there was another product that was launched with an even cuter size and more diverse functions than mine.”

2. 修改语法错误，例如：“Initially, I was attracted by the advertisement of its portable shape and appealing colors, which claimed that this timer could help me overcome my addiction to using mobile phones while concentrating on crucial tasks.”

4. 文章结构与组织

从文章结构和组织的角度来看，这篇文章有明确的结构，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在以下方面仍有改进空间：

1. 每段落应聚焦于一个特定观点，并提供支持细节。

2. 在段落之间使用清晰的过渡。

英文示例：

1. 在正文部分更详细地阐述观点：“In my experience, electronic devices often become obsolete quickly, leading to disappointment and a lack of interest in the product. This can be seen in the example of the electronic timer I purchased last year.”

2. 使用过渡词或短语连接段落：“To further illustrate my point, let me share an example from my own experience.”

5. 语法批改

Both Claire and Paul have raised up some compelling viewpoints. From my perspective, the primary issue I usually encounter while buying electronic devices is that they're risk being obsolete and soon lose interests in that product. Take, for example, the electronic timer I bought last year. Initially I was attracted by the advertisement ofadvertisement for(Collocation: advertisement of/for) its portable shape and appealing colors, announcing that this timer can drive me out of the addition of using mobile phones while concentrating on crucial tasks. I excitedly adopt it to my study. Nonetheless, after a trial for a month, I soon found boring and unnecessary about this device, as there's another product that was launched with even more cute size and more diverse functions than mine. That's why I was quietquite(quite / quiet) disappointed about my purchasing last time.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

Claire and Paul have both presented intriguing perspectives on consumer behavior. In my opinion, the primary challenge I often face when purchasing electronic devices is their potential obsolescence, which can lead to a diminished interest in the product. For instance, consider the electronic timer I purchased last year. Initially, I was captivated by its sleek design and vibrant colors, as well as the promise that it would help me avoid using my phone while focusing on important tasks. Eagerly incorporating it into my study routine, I soon discovered that the device became dull and superfluous after a month of use. This was due to the release of a newer model boasting a more compact size and an array of additional features compared to my current timer. Consequently, this experience left me feeling quite disenchanted with my previous purchase. (143 words)

Both Claire and Paul have raised both presented intriguing (changed "raised up some compelling viewpoints. From my perspective, compelling" to "presented intriguing" for a more natural and concise expression) perspectives on consumer behavior. In my opinion, the primary issue I usually encounter while buying challenge (replaced "issue" with "challenge" for a more appropriate word choice) I often face when purchasing electronic devices is that they're their potential obsolescence (rephrased "they're risk being obsolete and soon lose interests obsolete" to "their potential obsolescence" for clarity and proper grammar), which can lead to a diminished interest in that the product. Take, for example, For instance, consider the electronic timer I bought purchased last year. Initially Initially, I was attracted captivated by the advertisement of its portable shape and appealing colors, announcing sleek design (changed "portable shape" to "sleek design" for better word choice) and vibrant colors (changed "appealing colors" to "vibrant colors" for a more vivid description), as well as the promise that this timer can drive it would help me out of the addition of avoid using mobile phones my phone while concentrating focusing on crucial important tasks. I Eagerly incorporating it into my study routine (rephrased "I excitedly adopt it to my study. Nonetheless, study" to make it clearer and more grammatically correct), I soon discovered that the device became dull (replaced "boring" with "dull" for a better word choice) and superfluous after a trial for a month, I soon found boring and unnecessary about month of use. This was due to the release of a newer model boasting a more compact size (changed "cute size" to "compact size") and an array of additional features compared to my current timer. Consequently, this device, as there's another product that was launched with even more cute size and more diverse functions than mine. That's why I was quiet disappointed about my purchasing last time.experience left me feeling quite disenchanted (replaced "quiet disappointed" with "quite disenchanted") with my previous purchase.

Title: 8 思维导图

- Consumer Behavior
    - Electronic Devices
        - Obsolescence
            - Diminished Interest
                - Example: Electronic Timer
                    - Sleek Design and Vibrant Colors
                    - Avoid Phone Distractions
                    - Study Routine Incorporation
                - Newer Model Release
                    - Compact Size
                    - Additional Features
                - Disenchantment with Previous Purchase

Title: 9 关键词

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

Claire and Paul have both presented intriguing perspectives on consumer behavior. In my opinion, the primary challenge I often face when purchasing electronic devices is their potential obsolescence, which can lead to a diminished interest in the product. For instance, consider the electronic timer I purchased last year. Initially, I was captivated by its sleek design and vibrant colors, as well as the promise that it would help me avoid using my phone while focusing on important tasks. Eagerly incorporating it into my study routine, I soon discovered that the device became dull and superfluous after a month of use. This was due to the release of a newer model boasting a more compact size and an array of additional features compared to my current timer. Consequently, this experience left me feeling quite disenchanted with my previous purchase.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the professor's question by expressing an opinion and contributing to the discussion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, elaboration, and language use. The essay could benefit from clearer examples and a more focused approach to the topic.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples to support your viewpoint.

• Focus on one main idea per paragraph.

• Improve grammar and vocabulary usage.

Example 1: Original: "Moreover, in my opinion, people always buy certain tech products that based on their nice level." Improved: "Moreover, in my opinion, people often purchase tech products based on their aesthetic appeal rather than their actual needs."

Example 2: Original: "For instance, different stores have different commercials." Improved: "For instance, researching various stores' promotions can help consumers find the best deals on tech products that suit their needs."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the organization could be improved by focusing on one main idea per paragraph and using clear transitions between ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Clearly state your main idea in each paragraph.

• Use transitions to connect ideas within paragraphs and between paragraphs.

Example 1: Original: "First of all, people can save a lot of money by carefully decide something before they purchase it." Improved: "Firstly, by carefully considering their needs before making a purchase, consumers can save money by avoiding unnecessary features."

Example 2: Original: "Secondly, through considering before purchase something can enhance efficiency." Improved: "Secondly, taking time to research and compare products before purchasing can lead to greater efficiency in using the chosen device."

5. Grammar

While I acknowledge Paul's perspective that softwarespieces of software(softwares → pieces of software) are a good point that people should consider it. As for me, I align more with Claire's viewpoint that people should buy products which are mostthe most(missing article before 'BE + MOST + ADJECTIVE + NOUN') suitable option to individuals. First of allFirst(first of all (first)), people can save a lot of money by carefully decide something before they purchase it. Moreover, in my opinion, people always buy certain tech products that based on their nice level. For instance, every one knows that tech devices with various brighter colors are more expensive, especially iPhone. The colorful one always cost more than some basic phones, such as black and white. Even though people know this trick, they still tend to buy the most cutestcutest(No 'more' or 'most' before superlatives) phone and design. Secondly, through considering before purchasepurchase,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) something can enhance efficiency. The reason is that, people already have their own plans and extremely sure about everything. For instance, different stores have different commercials. It can stop going to a wrong store. All in all, I think people should go to buy some match products.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In response to Doctor Diaz's question, I concur with Claire's assertion that the most significant mistake people make when purchasing tech products is not aligning the product's capabilities with their actual needs. This oversight can lead to unnecessary expenses and inefficiencies. By carefully evaluating their requirements before making a purchase, individuals can save money and invest in devices that genuinely cater to their needs. For example, it is common knowledge that aesthetically appealing tech devices, such as those with vibrant colors or sleek designs, often come at a higher price. Despite being aware of this fact, many consumers still gravitate towards these visually attractive yet potentially superfluous options.

Furthermore, taking the time to consider one's needs before purchasing a tech product can enhance overall efficiency. When individuals have a clear understanding of their requirements and preferences, they are more likely to make informed decisions about which stores or promotions best suit their needs. This approach minimizes the risk of wasting time and resources on unsuitable products or deals. In conclusion, it is crucial for consumers to prioritize matching tech products with their specific needs in order to optimize both financial and functional aspects of their purchases. (201 words)

Revised essay: Display title: 7 Essay Grading

While I acknowledge Paul's perspective that softwares are software is a good point that people should consider it. As for me, consider, I align more with Claire's viewpoint that people should buy products which are the most suitable option to individuals. for individuals (revised for clarity and conciseness). First of all, people can save a lot of money by carefully decide deciding on something before they purchase it. it (revised for proper verb tense). Moreover, in my opinion, people always often buy certain tech products that based on their nice level. aesthetic appeal (rephrased for clarity). For instance, every one everyone knows that tech devices with various brighter colors are more expensive, especially iPhone. iPhones (corrected capitalization and specificity). The colorful one ones always cost more than some basic phones, such as black and white. white models (clarified meaning). Even though people know this trick, fact, they still tend to buy the most cutest phone and design. design (removed "most" for better flow).

Secondly, through considering before purchase purchasing something can enhance efficiency. efficiency (rephrased for clarity). The reason is that, that people already have their own plans and are extremely sure about everything. everything (revised for proper verb tense and clarity). For instance, different stores have different commercials. It promotions (changed "commercials" to "promotions" for accuracy). This consideration can stop prevent going to a the wrong store. store (rephrased for clarity). All in all, I think people should go to buy some prioritize buying products that match products.their needs (rephrased for conciseness and consistency with the main argument).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Aligning product capabilities with needs
   • Unnecessary expenses and inefficiencies

2. Evaluating requirements

   • Saving money
   • Investing in suitable devices

3. Aesthetically appealing tech devices

   • Higher price
   • Consumer attraction to visuals

4. Enhancing efficiency

   • Understanding requirements and preferences
   • Informed decisions on stores and promotions

5. Minimizing wasted resources

   • Avoiding unsuitable products or deals

6. Conclusion

   • Prioritizing matching needs with products
   • Optimizing financial and functional aspects

9 Key Words