TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Does social media cause more harm than good?

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得不错，但还有一些可以改进的地方。首先，你需要更全面地讨论社交媒体的利弊，而不仅仅是关注其传播信息的便捷性。此外，你可以引用更多具体的例子来支持你的观点。最后，在文章中提到其他学生的观点时，请使用他们在对话中的名字，以增加互动性。

示例1（英文）：Instead of only mentioning the convenience of obtaining information, you could also discuss how social media has provided a platform for political activism, as mentioned by Student B.

示例2（英文）：When referring to the negative aspects of social media, you could directly address Student A's concerns about mental health problems and cyberbullying, providing counterarguments or additional perspectives.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章整体结构清晰，但仍有改进空间。建议在引言部分简要介绍社交媒体的利弊，并在正文部分详细讨论各个方面。此外，请确保每段落都集中讨论一个特定主题，并使用恰当的过渡词汇连接段落和观点。

示例1（英文）：In the introduction, you could write, "In this essay, I will discuss both the positive and negative aspects of social media, addressing the concerns raised by Student A and the benefits highlighted by Student B."

示例2（英文）：To improve transitions between paragraphs, you could use phrases like "On the other hand," "Furthermore," or "In contrast" to connect your ideas and maintain a smooth flow throughout the essay.

5. 语法批改

I contend that social media brings more benefits than harmharm, since it provides a convenient platform for us to obtain information. To elaborate, unlike traditional media such as newspapers, the internet is capable of delivering messages rapidly and is accessible to everyone, thus facilitatingeveryone. Thus, it facilitates the spread of news and linkinglinks us to the whole society closely. For example, during my period of studying abroad, social applications like Weibo and TikTok allowed me to know current events and new trends in China. Thanks to these apps, I could discuss them with my friends and relatives, therefore staying at the same paceup-to-date and strengthingstrengthening our relationships. Nevertheless, some are worrying about the addiction and possible mental issues caused by social media; however, the key to former problems is rooted in individual traits, as people without self-control will rely on alternatives like computer games.

Title: 6 文章修订

While acknowledging the potential drawbacks of social media, I argue that it brings more benefits than harm, primarily by offering a convenient platform for information dissemination. Unlike traditional media such as newspapers, the internet delivers messages rapidly and is accessible to everyone, thereby facilitating the spread of news and fostering closer connections within society. For instance, during my time studying abroad, social applications like Weibo and TikTok kept me informed about current events and trends in China. These apps enabled me to engage in discussions with friends and relatives, thus maintaining our shared interests and strengthening our relationships. Admittedly, concerns regarding addiction and mental health issues associated with social media use are valid; however, these problems often stem from individual traits rather than the platforms themselves. Those lacking self-control may turn to other outlets such as computer games if not engaged in social media. (147 words)

I contend that While acknowledging the potential drawbacks of social media (clarified the stance), I argue that it brings more benefits than harm since it provides harm, primarily by offering a convenient platform for us to obtain information. To elaborate, unlike information dissemination (rephrased for clarity). Unlike traditional media such as newspapers, the internet is capable of delivering delivers messages rapidly and is accessible to everyone, thus thereby facilitating the spread of news and linking us to the whole fostering closer connections within society closely. (improved sentence structure). For example, instance, during my period of time studying abroad, abroad (changed "period" to "time" for natural tone), social applications like Weibo and TikTok allowed kept me to know informed about current events and new trends in China. Thanks These apps enabled me to these apps, I could discuss them engage in discussions with my friends and relatives, therefore staying at the same pace thus maintaining our shared interests and strengthing strengthening our relationships. Nevertheless, some are worrying about the relationships (rephrased for clarity). Admittedly, concerns regarding addiction and possible mental health issues caused by associated with social media; media use are valid; however, these problems often stem from individual traits rather than the key platforms themselves (clarified the point). Those lacking self-control may turn to former problems is rooted other outlets such as computer games if not engaged in individual traits, as people without self-control will rely on alternatives like computer games.social media (rephrased for a smoother sentence flow).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Social media benefits vs drawbacks

2. Information dissemination
   - Convenience of social media platforms
   - Comparison to traditional media

3. Accessibility and rapid message delivery
   - Internet as a medium for news and trends

4. Fostering connections within society
   - Personal experience with Weibo and TikTok

5. Addressing concerns about addiction and mental health issues
   - Individual traits as the root cause

6. Alternative outlets for those lacking self-control
   - Example: computer games

7. Conclusion 
   - Social media's overall positive impact on society

Title: 9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

25. 3 任务完成度

整体来说，这篇文章较好地回答了题目，并提出了一些有力的论据。但是，有一些方面仍有改进的空间。首先，在语言使用和语法方面，存在一些小错误和不太自然的表达。其次，在阐述观点时，可以提供更多具体的例子来支持你的论点。

示例1：将 "it also broaden our horizon and renew our values by seeing so many different person, stuffs, scenaries from all over the world" 改为 "it also broadens our horizons and renews our values by exposing us to diverse people, ideas, and scenery from all over the world."

示例2：将 "These days we can touch with our friends" 改为 "These days we can keep in touch with our friends"

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面基本合理，包括引言、正文和结论。但是，在段落之间加入更明确的过渡词或短语可以使文章更连贯。此外，可以在正文部分增加一个或两个段落来更详细地讨论支持你观点的论据。

建议1：在段落之间加入过渡词，例如 "In addition to Mark's points, I would like to add that..."

建议2：将正文部分拆分成两个段落，每个段落专注于一个主要论点，如下所示：

"Firstly, as Mark mentioned, social media provides society with opportunities to hear voices from people who used to be ignored and neglected. It also broadens our horizons and renews our values by exposing us to diverse people, ideas, and scenery from all over the world. Without such a convenient and comprehensive information source, people who only know things around themselves might get trapped in their narrow surrounding world.

Secondly, social media has significantly reduced the cost of connecting with people we care about. These days we can keep in touch with our friends and family more closely and easily through video calls, chat apps, or comments on their social media accounts. In contrast, it used to take days for my parents' generation to receive a letter from others, which was both time-consuming and costly."

5. 语法批改

While I can see Sarah‘sSarah’s(Non-standard word) idea that social media has caused more harm than good,I, I(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) agree with Mark‘sMark’s(Non-standard word) opinion that social media has changed this world in a better way. As Mark mentioned that social media provide society opportunities to hear voice from people used to be ignored and negelectedneglected(misspelling), it also broadenbroadens('it' + non-3rd person verb) our horizon and renew our values by seeing so many different personmany different people(Possible agreement error: 'many/several/few' + singular countable noun), stuffs, scenariesscenarios(misspelling) from all over the world; however, without such a convientconvent(misspelling) and conprehensivecomprehensive(misspelling) information source, people who solely know thing around themselves might get trapped by their narrow surrounding world.

Apart from what Mark has raised, I add that social media has () reduced the cost for connecting with people we concerned. These days we can touch with our friends and family closer and easier with social media with video call, chat app or comment under their social media accounts; while in the contrary, it used to take days in the generation of my parents to receive a letter from others, which is () time consumingtime-consuming(Hyphenated words: time consuming).

Therefore, I agree that social media has imporovedimproved(misspelling) this world to a better one.

Title: 6 文章修订

While I understand Sarah's perspective that social media has caused more harm than good, I concur with Mark's viewpoint that social media has predominantly improved our world. As Mark mentioned, social media provides opportunities for marginalized voices to be heard and acknowledged. It also broadens our horizons and challenges our values by exposing us to diverse people, ideas, and landscapes from all corners of the globe. Without such a convenient and comprehensive information source, individuals might become trapped in their narrow surroundings.

In addition to the points raised by Mark, I would like to emphasize that social media has significantly reduced the cost of connecting with those we care about. Nowadays, we can stay in touch with friends and family more closely and effortlessly through video calls, chat apps, or comments on their social media accounts. In contrast, during my parents' generation, it used to take days to receive a letter from others—a much more time-consuming process.

Therefore, I firmly believe that social media has contributed positively to our world by fostering better communication and promoting diverse perspectives. (181 words)

While I can see Sarah‘s idea understand Sarah's perspective (revised for clarity and natural tone) that social media has caused more harm than good,I agree good, I concur with Mark‘s opinion that social media has changed this world in a better way. Mark's viewpoint (revised for clarity and natural tone) that social media has predominantly improved our world. As Mark mentioned that social media provide society mentioned, social media provides opportunities to hear voice from people used for marginalized voices to be ignored and negelected, it heard and acknowledged (revised for better word choice). It also broaden our horizon and renew broadens our horizons and challenges our values by seeing so many different person, stuffs, scenaries exposing us to diverse people, ideas, and landscapes from all over corners of the world; however, without globe (revised for clarity and better word choice). Without such a convient and conprehensive convenient and comprehensive information source, people who solely know thing around themselves individuals might get become trapped by in their narrow surrounding world. surroundings (revised for clarity).

Apart from what Mark has raised, I add that social media has (In addition to the points raised by Mark, I would like to emphasize (added transition) that social media has significantly reduced the cost for of connecting with people those we concerned. These days care about (revised for better word choice). Nowadays, we can stay in touch with our friends and family closer and easier with social media with more closely and effortlessly through video call, calls, chat app apps, or comment under comments on their social media accounts; while in the contrary, accounts (revised for clarity). In contrast, during my parents' generation, it used to take days in the generation of my parents to receive a letter from others, which is () time consuming. others—a much more time-consuming process (revised for clarity).

Therefore, I agree that social media has imporoved this firmly believe that social media has contributed positively to our world to by fostering better communication and promoting diverse perspectives (revised for a better one.stronger conclusion).

8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Sarah's perspective
   - Mark's viewpoint

2. Marginalized voices
   - Opportunities for expression
   - Acknowledgment

3. Broadening horizons
   - Exposure to diverse people and ideas
   - Challenging values

4. Comprehensive information source
   - Preventing narrow-mindedness

5. Reduced cost of connection
   - Video calls, chat apps, comments

6. Comparison to past communication methods
   - Letters taking days to arrive

7. Conclusion 
   - Social media fostering better communication and promoting diverse perspectives.

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得不错，但仍有改进的空间。首先，你需要更具体地说明社交媒体的好处，并给出具体的例子。此外，尝试使用更多的论据来支持你的观点，并在提到其他学生观点时使用正确的名字。

示例1：你可以说，“社交媒体为各种公益活动提供了一个平台，使人们能够组织抗议活动和筹款活动。”

示例2：你可以指出，“虽然社交媒体可能导致心理健康问题，但通过教育和自我调节，人们可以减轻这些负面影响。”

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面需要改进。首先，在引言部分明确表达你的观点，并简要概述支持观点的论据。其次，在正文部分详细阐述每个论据，并使用恰当的过渡词连接各个段落。最后，在结论部分总结文章内容并重申观点。

建议1：在引言中明确表达观点，例如：“在我看来，社交媒体的好处远大于其坏处。”

建议2：使用过渡词来连接段落，例如：“首先，社交媒体使人们能够轻松地与亲朋好友保持联系。其次，它为政治活动提供了一个平台……”

5. 语法批改

whileWhile(Checks that a sentence starts with an uppercase letter) I (Two consecutive spaces)think Sarah brings up the (Two consecutive spaces)relevant point that social media can leads to some mental issue，such[No Replacement Word Found](misspelling) as anxiety and depression，but[No Replacement Word Found](misspelling) when people control it by intention，itintention(misspelling) is not that hard to overcome. Hence，IHence(misspelling) on the same boat with Mike that social media’s benefit is already outweighed the disadvantages. First of allFirst(first of all (first)), there's easy accessibility maketo make(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) contact with your relatives or friends while you're not in the same location which very convenient，but[No Replacement Word Found](misspelling) there's not only that, you could also make friends with people from all around the world, which can help you widen your horizon through those people. Or when you feel upset or frustrated, there's tonsthere are tons(Possible agreement error 'there's' + plural noun) of strangers willing to let (Two consecutive spaces)you rain on them, will also help you to ease your mental pain if you needed some condolences. On the other hand, according to the trending hashtags you could also make sure that your informationsinformation(legal term: informations) are updated, because you will informedbe informed(it would (be) appreciated) through the social media about the latest news that cause a (Two consecutive spaces)stir at the whole country or even the whole world.

Display title: 6 文章修订

While Sarah raises a valid concern regarding the potential mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression, caused by social media, I believe that with proper self-regulation, these challenges can be overcome. Thus, I agree with Mike that the benefits of social media far outweigh its disadvantages. Firstly, social media enables effortless communication with relatives and friends regardless of their location, providing not only convenience but also opportunities to connect with people from diverse backgrounds and expand one's horizons. Furthermore, during times of emotional distress, countless strangers on these platforms are willing to offer support and consolation. Additionally, staying informed about current events is made easier through trending hashtags and real-time updates on global happenings. Consequently, while acknowledging the potential negative effects of social media use, it is essential to recognize its numerous advantages when used responsibly. (141 words)

while I think While Sarah brings up the relevant point that social media can leads to some raises a valid concern (revised for clarity and natural tone) regarding the potential mental issue，such health issues, such as anxiety and depression，but when people control it depression, caused by intention，it is not social media, I believe that hard to with proper self-regulation (revised for clarity), these challenges can be overcome. Hence，I on the same boat Thus, I agree with Mike that the benefits of social media’s benefit is already outweighed the disadvantages. First media far outweigh its disadvantages (revised for smoother flow). Firstly, social media enables effortless communication (revised for clarity) with relatives and friends regardless of all, there's easy accessibility make contact with your relatives or friends while you're not in the same location which very convenient，but there's their location, providing not only that, you could convenience but also make friends opportunities to connect with people from all around the world, which can help you widen your horizon through those people. Or when you feel upset or frustrated, there's tons diverse backgrounds and expand one's horizons (revised for better flow). Furthermore, during times of emotional distress, countless strangers on these platforms are willing to let you rain on them, will also help you to ease your mental pain if you needed some condolences. On the other hand, according to the offer support and consolation (revised for clarity). Additionally, staying informed about current events is made easier through trending hashtags you could also make sure that your informations are updated, because you will informed through and real-time updates on global happenings (revised for better flow). Consequently, while acknowledging the potential negative effects of social media about the latest news that cause a stir at the whole country or even the whole world.use, it is essential to recognize its numerous advantages when used responsibly (revised for a more natural tone).

Display title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Social media's potential mental health issues
   - Proper self-regulation to overcome challenges

2. Effortless communication
   - Connecting with relatives and friends
   - Expanding horizons through diverse backgrounds

3. Emotional support
   - Strangers offering consolation and support during distress

4. Staying informed about current events
   - Trending hashtags and real-time updates on global happenings

5. Conclusion
   - Acknowledging potential negative effects of social media use 
   - Recognizing numerous advantages when used responsibly 

Display title: 9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得不错，表达了作者认为社交媒体对社会的影响更多是负面的观点。但是，文章可以在论证方面进行改进，例如提供更具体的例子来支持观点。此外，文章在语法和词汇使用方面还有待提高。

改进建议示例：

1. 在论证社交媒体导致上瘾问题时，可以给出具体的研究或数据来支持观点。

2. 在讨论网络欺凌问题时，可以引用一些实际案例来说明问题的严重性。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构基本清晰，包括引言、正文和结尾。然而，在段落之间缺乏明确的过渡和连接。建议使用过渡词和短语来帮助读者更好地理解文章内容。

改进建议示例：

1. 在引入网络欺凌问题时，可以使用过渡词如“此外”或“另一个问题是”来引导读者。

2. 在总结观点时，可以使用类似“综上所述”或“因此”等短语来进行总结。

5. 语法批改

The social media’s impact on society is a commonly discussed issue nowadays. In my opinion, it brings us more disadvantages than merits. First of allFirst(first of all (first)), the social media tend to seduce people to spend unreasonably time on it, especially for those young teenagers who are not self-disciplined enough. And due to the lack of governance, things had been even worse that some primary school students has beganbegun(Agreement: 'have' + past/present tense) to use social media and easily got addicted to it. In addition, there are a huge amount of cyber bullyingcyberbullying(cyber security (cybersecurity)) happened or is happening online. To be specific, most of the internet citizens have the experience of been harassed or insulted by some anonymous people who did even know him and the whole situation but just came over and curse them. So I believe that even social media might get people more close to each other, the defects of it should not to be neglected.

Section Title: The Impact of Social Media on Society

While social media has undoubtedly revolutionized communication and connected people globally, its detrimental effects cannot be overlooked. Primarily, the addictive nature of these platforms can lead to excessive usage, particularly among impressionable teenagers who may lack self-discipline. The absence of proper governance exacerbates this issue, with even primary school students falling prey to social media addiction. Furthermore, cyberbullying has become rampant on these platforms, causing significant distress to users who have been harassed or insulted by anonymous individuals without any provocation. Consequently, despite the undeniable benefits of social media in fostering connections and giving voice to marginalized groups, its drawbacks warrant serious consideration and action. (114 words)

Revised essay: The social media’s Impact of Social Media on Society

The impact of social media on society is a commonly discussed issue nowadays. In my opinion, it brings us more disadvantages than merits. merits (The original sentence was rephrased to make it sound more natural in English). First of all, the social media tend social media tends to seduce people to spend unreasonably into spending an unreasonable amount of time on it, it (Changed "unreasonably time" to "an unreasonable amount of time" for proper grammar), especially for those young teenagers who are not self-disciplined enough. And due Due to the lack of governance, things had been have become even worse that (Changed "had been" to "have become" for correct tense), with some primary school students has began beginning to use social media and easily got becoming addicted to it. it (Changed "has began" to "beginning" and "got addicted" to "becoming addicted" for proper grammar). In addition, there are a huge amount of cyber bullying happened cyberbullying occurs online (Changed "happened or is happening online. happening" to "occurs" for a more concise phrasing). To be specific, most of the internet citizens users have the experience of been harassed experienced harassment or insulted by some insults from anonymous people who did don't even know him and the whole them or the situation but just came come over and curse them. So them (Reworded the sentence for clarity and proper grammar). So, I believe that even though social media might get people more close to each other, the bring people closer together (Changed "get people more close" to "bring people closer together"), its defects of it should not to be neglected.neglected (Added a concluding statement that ties back to the main argument).

8 思维导图

1. 社交媒体的影响
   1. 革命性的沟通方式
   2. 全球连接

2. 负面效果
   1. 上瘾性
       1. 特别是青少年
       2. 缺乏自律
   2. 缺乏监管
       1. 小学生也受影响

3. 网络欺凌问题
   1. 平台上泛滥成灾
   2. 用户遭受骚扰和侮辱

4. 社交媒体的优点与缺点权衡分析和行动建议

9 关键词