TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on economics. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1.子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2.预估分数

Estimated Score: 27

3.任务完成度

这篇文章在完成任务方面做得相当不错，你表达了自己的观点，并且提供了支持论据。然而，有一些建议可以帮助你进一步改进文章：

• 在讨论中更多地引用原文中的观点和例子，以便更好地支持你的观点。

• 在支持论据方面可以再详细一些，例如提供更多关于电脑游戏如何帮助孩子学习的具体例子。

示例1：在文章中，你可以引用原文中关于教育电脑游戏的优点，如它们通常由教育专家设计，以系统和有条理的方式教授孩子。

示例2：为了支持你的观点，你可以提供一个具体的教育电脑游戏案例，并解释它是如何帮助孩子学习基本技能的。

4.文章结构与组织

从结构和组织角度来看，这篇文章整体上做得很好。然而，在以下几个方面还有改进空间：

• 在引言部分，可以更明确地陈述你的观点，让读者一开始就了解你的立场。

• 在段落之间使用更清晰的过渡词或短语，以便更流畅地连接各个观点。

示例1：在引言部分，你可以这样陈述你的观点：“我认为允许孩子们玩教育电脑游戏是有益的，因为它们可以帮助孩子们提前掌握学校将要教授的知识。”

示例2：在段落之间，可以使用过渡词如“此外”、“然而”或“因此”，以帮助连接不同观点。例如：“然而，他没有提到孩子们也可以与父母讨论他们从这些游戏中学到的知识，从而实现互动。”

5. 语法批改

I find myself in agreement with Kelly’s assertion that young children should be allowed to play certain educational computer games which are designed to impart knowledge about various subject mattersubject(subject matter (subject)) to children. From where I stand, those computer games pave the way for children’s future academic achievements. For instance, puzzle games are designed to hone their ability of logical thinking ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) contributing to their future math study; typing games are intended to train their agility, putting them in a favorable position in future online courses and examinations. Andrew raises his relevant point that it is inappropriate to allow young children to have access to computer games as the same skills can be taught by parents reading books to them, which enables interaction between parents and children. However, he does not mention that children can also discuss what they learn from those games to parents, allowing interactions at the same time. Besides, the knowledge taught by parents, sometimes inaccurate and incomplete, may confuse and mislead children. Conversely, those computer games, usually designed by educational experts, teach children in a systematic and methodical way, including vivid pictures and stories that appeal to most kids. Therefore, kids gain more from computer games compared to traditional ways. In all, I do believe that allowing kids to play educational computer games enjoys certain merits.

6.文章修订

I concur with Kelly's perspective that young children should be permitted to engage in specific educational computer games designed to impart essential knowledge. In my opinion, these games lay the foundation for children's future academic achievements. For instance, puzzle games aim to sharpen their logical thinking skills, contributing to their subsequent math studies; typing games intend to enhance their agility, providing an advantage in future online courses and examinations.

Andrew argues that it is unsuitable for young children to access computer games since the same skills can be taught by parents reading books to them, fostering parent-child interaction. However, he fails to consider that children can also discuss what they learn from these games with their parents, facilitating interaction simultaneously. Furthermore, the knowledge imparted by parents may sometimes be inaccurate or incomplete, potentially confusing and misleading children. In contrast, educational computer games are typically developed by experts and teach children systematically and methodically through engaging visuals and stories that appeal to most kids. Consequently, children gain more from computer games compared to traditional methods.

In summary, I firmly believe that allowing children to play educational computer games offers significant benefits and prepares them for future academic success. (198 words)

7.文章批改

I find myself in agreement concur (1) with Kelly’s assertion Kelly's perspective that young children should be allowed to play certain permitted (2) to engage in specific educational computer games which are designed to impart knowledge about various subject matter to children. From where I stand, those computer games pave essential knowledge. In my opinion, these games lay the way for children’s foundation for children's future academic achievements. For instance, puzzle games are designed to hone aim to sharpen their ability of logical thinking , skills, contributing to their future subsequent math study; studies; typing games are intended to train intend to enhance their agility, putting them in a favorable position providing an advantage in future online courses and examinations.

Andrew raises his relevant point argues that it is inappropriate to allow unsuitable for young children to have access to computer games as computer games since the same skills can be taught by parents reading books to them, which enables interaction between parents and children. fostering parent-child interaction. However, he does not mention fails to consider (3) that children can also discuss what they learn from those games to these games with their parents, allowing interactions at the same time. Besides, facilitating interaction simultaneously. Furthermore, the knowledge taught imparted by parents, parents may sometimes be inaccurate and or incomplete, may confuse and mislead potentially confusing and misleading children. Conversely, those computer games, usually designed In contrast, educational computer games are typically developed by educational experts, experts and teach children in a systematic and methodical way, including vivid pictures systematically and methodically through engaging visuals and stories that appeal to most kids. Therefore, kids Consequently (4), children gain more from computer games compared to traditional ways. methods.

In all, summary (5), I do firmly believe that allowing kids children to play educational computer games enjoys certain merits.offers significant benefits and prepares them for future academic success.

(1) "Concur" is used instead of "agree" as a more advanced vocabulary choice.

(2) "Permitted" is used instead of "allowed" as a more formal word choice.

(3) "Fails to consider" is used instead of "does not mention" for better cohesion and coherence.

(4) "Consequently" is used as a transition word for better flow between ideas.

(5) "In summary" is used instead of "In all" as a more formal phrase for concluding the paragraph.

8.思维导图

• Introduction

  • Concur with Kelly's perspective
  • Educational computer games for young children

• Benefits of educational computer games

  • Foundation for future academic achievements
    • Puzzle games: logical thinking skills
    • Typing games: agility for online courses and exams

• Counterargument: Andrew's point of view

  • Traditional methods: reading books, parent-child interaction

• Rebuttal to counterargument

  • Children can discuss game learning with parents (interaction)
  • Inaccurate or incomplete knowledge from parents vs. expert-designed games
  • Systematic and methodical teaching through engaging visuals and stories in games

• Conclusion

  • Significant benefits of educational computer games

9.关键词