TOEFL TPO 22 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on sociology. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. Sub Scores:

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores:

Estimated Score: 28

3. Task completeness:

The essay does a good job of addressing the task requirements by expressing an opinion and contributing to the discussion with a unique perspective. However, there is room for improvement in elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples or details to support the argument. To enhance your response, consider discussing more practical examples of how sharing stories or experiences can strengthen family bonds.

Example 1: "For instance, when parents share their childhood memories with their children, it creates a sense of connection and understanding between generations."

Example 2: "Additionally, discussing personal challenges or achievements can encourage family members to offer support or celebrate successes together, further strengthening their bond."

4. Essay structure and organization:

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could benefit from better transitions between ideas and paragraphs to create a smoother flow throughout the text. Additionally, organizing your thoughts into separate paragraphs for each main point will help improve clarity.

Example 1: To transition between ideas more smoothly, you could use phrases like "Furthermore," "On the other hand," or "In addition."

Example 2: Organize your essay by separating different points into distinct paragraphs. For example:

• Paragraph 1: Introduction (agreeing with Claire)

• Paragraph 2: Sharing stories/experiences as an effective way to strengthen family bonds

• Paragraph 3: The convenience of sharing stories/experiences (technology advancements)

• Paragraph 4: Conclusion (reiterating your viewpoint)

5. Grammar

I wholeheartedly agree with Claire’s idea that there may be no appropriate task for the whole family to work together, while conflicts may also occur in an unpleasant cooperation. I would also like to add that, sharing stories or experience regularly would help enhance the family bond more effectively. Above all, by sharing some excellent or depressed experience, family members could get a chance to know the day-time to-day life of others, and understand their feelings and corresponding background where their emotions stem from, which thus deepen the sympathy among the whole family. Besides, it is an absolutely more convenient and practicable as only a few minutes in the evening are enough for such a kind of talking, and having the benefits of advanced technologies, like video-call and real-time message, geographic location would no longer be an obstacle for the connection of hearts.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I concur with Claire's perspective that finding a suitable task for the entire family to collaborate on may be challenging, and conflicts could arise during the process. Additionally, I propose that regularly sharing stories or experiences can be a more effective way to strengthen family bonds. By discussing both positive and negative experiences, family members gain insight into each other's daily lives, emotions, and the context behind their feelings. This understanding fosters empathy and deepens connections within the family unit. Furthermore, this approach is more practical and convenient, as it only requires a few minutes of conversation in the evening. With the aid of advanced technology such as video calls and real-time messaging, geographical distance no longer poses a barrier to maintaining close familial relationships. (130 words)

Revised essay: Display title: 7 Essay Grading

I wholeheartedly agree concur [revised for a more formal tone] with Claire’s idea Claire's perspective that there may be no appropriate finding a suitable task for the whole entire family to work together, while collaborate on may be challenging, and conflicts may also occur in an unpleasant cooperation. could arise during the process [rephrased for clarity]. Additionally, I would also like to add that, propose that regularly sharing stories or experience regularly would help enhance experiences can be a more effective way to strengthen family bonds [rephrased for better flow]. By discussing both positive and negative experiences, family members gain insight into each other's daily lives, emotions, and the context behind their feelings [rephrased for clarity]. This understanding fosters empathy and deepens connections within the family bond unit [rephrased for better flow]. Furthermore, this approach is more effectively. Above all, by sharing some excellent or depressed experience, family members could get a chance to know the day-time to-day life of others, practical and understand their feelings and corresponding background where their emotions stem from, which thus deepen the sympathy among the whole family. Besides, convenient, as it is an absolutely more convenient and practicable as only requires a few minutes of conversation in the evening are enough [rephrased for such a kind of talking, and having clarity]. With the benefits aid of advanced technologies, like video-call technology such as video calls and real-time message, geographic location would messaging, geographical distance no longer be an obstacle poses a barrier to maintaining close familial relationships [rephrased for the connection of hearts.better flow].

Display title: 8 Mind Map

- Essay Structure
    - Introduction
        - Agree with Claire's perspective
        - Challenges in finding suitable tasks
    - Proposal
        - Sharing stories and experiences
            - Positive and negative experiences
            - Gain insight into each other's lives
            - Foster empathy and deepen connections
    - Practicality and Convenience
        - Requires only a few minutes of conversation
        - Use of advanced technology (video calls, messaging)
        - Overcome geographical distance barriers

Display title: 9 Key Words