TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on political science. Write a post responding to the professor’s question. In your response, you should  express and support your personal opinion  make a contribution to the discussion in your own words

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22 (based on the average of Sub Scores)

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of expressing a personal opinion and contributing to the discussion. However, there is room for improvement in elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples or details to support the argument. Additionally, some grammatical errors and unclear language use are present.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples or details to support your viewpoint.

• Improve grammar and language use for better clarity.

Examples:

1. Instead of saying "those young," consider using "young people" or "youth."

2. Replace "it is alarmed" with "it is alarming."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the organization could be improved by focusing each paragraph on a specific point with supporting details. Clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs should also be present.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Focus each paragraph on a specific point with supporting details.

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Examples:

1. In the second sentence of the essay, change "Yet, it is alarmed that many modern people..." to "However, it is alarming that many modern people..."

2. In the last sentence of the essay, consider adding a transition like "In conclusion" or "Therefore" before stating your final opinion: "Therefore, why not tax them more?"

5. Grammar

From my perspective, I strongly support taxing unhealthy product. Those productThis product('this' vs. 'these'), for instance, burger or carbonated beverage, contain high levels of fats, sugar, both elements have harmful effects when consumed in great quantities. Yet, it is alarmed that many modern people, especially those young, have been suffering into this unhealthy eating habit. Tremendous reasons contributed to this tendency, however, the most powerful reason is these diets are inexpensive. Therefore, taxing heavily on food areis(Detects potentially wrong usage of "are") hazardous to human health, it will later discourage people to intake it. Meanwhile, taxing to these unhealthy foodthis unhealthy food('this' vs. 'these') wouldwould,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) at the same time, decrease the rate of those advertisementthis advertisement('this' vs. 'these') made from those shoppers. Since advertisement is the root cause of unhealthy foods and drinksdrinks,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) been familiar with teens. Thus, why not taxing them more?

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, implementing taxes on unhealthy products is a necessary measure to promote public health. Products such as fast food and sugary beverages, which are high in fat and sugar, have detrimental effects on health when consumed excessively. Alarmingly, many individuals, particularly the younger generation, have fallen into the trap of these unhealthy eating habits. A significant factor contributing to this trend is the affordability of such products. By imposing taxes on these harmful items, governments can effectively discourage their consumption. Additionally, higher taxes on unhealthy foods may lead to a reduction in advertisements promoting them, as companies would need to allocate more funds towards taxation. Since advertising plays a crucial role in making these products appealing to young people, reducing their exposure could further encourage healthier choices. Therefore, taxing unhealthy products seems like a logical step towards improving public health. (147 words)

From In my perspective, I strongly support taxing unhealthy product. Those product, for instance, burger or carbonated beverage, contain opinion, implementing taxes on unhealthy products is a necessary measure to promote public health (revised for clarity and emphasis). Products such as fast food and sugary beverages, which are high levels of fats, sugar, both elements in fat and sugar (revised for grammatical correctness), have harmful detrimental effects on health when consumed excessively (revised for better flow). Alarmingly, many individuals, particularly the younger generation, have fallen into the trap of these unhealthy eating habits (revised for better expression). A significant factor contributing to this trend is the affordability of such products (revised for clarity). By imposing taxes on these harmful items, governments can effectively discourage their consumption (revised for better flow). Additionally, higher taxes on unhealthy foods may lead to a reduction in great quantities. Yet, it is alarmed that many modern advertisements promoting them, as companies would need to allocate more funds towards taxation (revised for clarity and coherence). Since advertising plays a crucial role in making these products appealing to young people, especially those young, have been suffering into this unhealthy eating habit. Tremendous reasons contributed to this tendency, however, the most powerful reason is these diets are inexpensive. reducing their exposure could further encourage healthier choices (revised for better expression). Therefore, taxing heavily on food are hazardous to human health, it will later discourage people to intake it. Meanwhile, taxing to these unhealthy food would at the same time, decrease the rate of those advertisement made from those shoppers. Since advertisement is the root cause of unhealthy foods and drinks been familiar with teens. Thus, why not taxing them more?unhealthy products seems like a logical step towards improving public health (revised for clarity and emphasis).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Necessity of taxes on unhealthy products
   • Promote public health

2. Unhealthy products

   • Fast food
   • Sugary beverages

3. Health effects

   • High fat and sugar content
   • Detrimental to health when consumed excessively

4. Affordability factor

   • Contributes to unhealthy eating habits

5. Tax implementation benefits

   • Discourage consumption of harmful items

6. Reduction in advertisements

   • Companies allocate more funds towards taxation

7. Advertising's role in appeal to youth

   • Reducing exposure encourages healthier choices

8. Conclusion

   • Taxing unhealthy products as a logical step towards improving public health

Display title: 9 Key Words

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, implementing taxes on unhealthy products is a necessary measure to promote public health. Products such as fast food and sugary beverages, which are high in fat and sugar, have detrimental effects on health when consumed excessively. Alarmingly, many individuals, particularly the younger generation, have fallen into the trap of these unhealthy eating habits. A significant factor contributing to this trend is the affordability of such products. By imposing taxes on these harmful items, governments can effectively discourage their consumption. Additionally, higher taxes on unhealthy foods may lead to a reduction in advertisements promoting them, as companies would need to allocate more funds towards taxation. Since advertising plays a crucial role in making these products appealing to young people, reducing their exposure could further encourage healthier choices. Therefore, taxing unhealthy products seems like a logical step towards improving public health.