TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on personal development Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题时表现出较好的任务完成度。你的观点明确，且能够提供一定程度的支持。然而，为了更好地支持你的观点，可以尝试添加更多具体的例子或详细说明。此外，在语言使用和语法方面，虽然整体表现良好，但仍有一些小错误需要改进。

改进建议示例：

1. 在支持观点时，可以添加具体实例：例如，在描述谦逊者如何在职场中取得成功时，可以提供一个成功人士的故事来证明这一观点。

2. 在语言使用方面，注意保持句子结构的简洁和清晰：例如，“Still, some argues that only when others know our strength can we be trusted.” 可以改为 “However, some argue that trust can only be established when others are aware of our strengths.”

4. 文章结构与组织

文章整体结构清晰，包括引言、正文和结论。每个段落都集中讨论了一个特定的观点，并提供了支持细节。然而，在段落之间加入更明确的过渡语句可以使文章更具连贯性。

改进建议示例：

1. 在引言和正文之间加入过渡语句：例如，在引言部分结束时，可以添加一句类似于 “In this essay, I will discuss the reasons why I believe that being humble and focusing on personal development is more important than showcasing our strengths and accomplishments.” 的过渡语句。

2. 在正文段落之间使用过渡词或短语：例如，在讨论不同观点时，可以使用 “On the other hand” 或 “Conversely” 等过渡词来引导读者。

5. 语法批改

I don't believe that we must let others know our strengths and accomplishments in order to succeedsucceed,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) since continually developing ourselves humbly is the key to deeper improvements of our capability. To elaborate, some people are fascinated by showing-off their abilities in some exaggerated ways to catch others attention, they may not have the time and energy to truly concentrate on personal developing. Contrarily, those who never feel satisfied by themselves always strives for better improvements. Ultimately, those humble ones are equipped with more competition in finding the jobs and admired by others. Still, some argues that only when others know our strength can we be trusted. However, trust depends both on our real capability and personalities, just showing our strength is far beyond enough.

Title: 6 文章修订

In my opinion, success is not solely dependent on showcasing our strengths and accomplishments, as continuous self-improvement and humility play a crucial role in enhancing our capabilities. When individuals focus on flaunting their abilities in an exaggerated manner to gain attention, they may lack the time and energy required for genuine personal development. In contrast, those who remain humble and consistently strive for improvement are better equipped to compete in the job market and garner admiration from others. While some argue that trust can only be established when others are aware of our strengths, it is important to recognize that trust is built on a combination of our capabilities and character traits. Simply showcasing one's strengths is insufficient for fostering genuine trust. (125 words)

I In my opinion, success is not solely dependent on showcasing our strengths and accomplishments (1: Changed "I don't believe that we must let others know our strengths and accomplishments in order to succeed since continually developing ourselves humbly is succeed" to "success is not solely dependent on showcasing our strengths and accomplishments" for clarity and conciseness), as continuous self-improvement and humility play a crucial role in enhancing our capabilities (2: Added "and humility" to emphasize the key to deeper improvements importance of our capability. To elaborate, some humility in personal development). When individuals focus on flaunting their abilities in an exaggerated manner to gain attention (3: Changed "some people are fascinated by showing-off their abilities in some exaggerated ways to catch others attention, attention" to "When individuals focus on flaunting their abilities in an exaggerated manner to gain attention" for a more natural tone), they may not have lack the time and energy to truly concentrate on required for genuine personal developing. Contrarily, development. In contrast, those who remain humble and consistently strive for improvement (4: Changed "those who never feel satisfied by themselves always strives for better improvements. Ultimately, those improvements" to "those who remain humble ones and consistently strive for improvement" for a more positive tone) are better equipped with more competition in finding to compete in the jobs and admired by job market and garner admiration from others. Still, While some argue that trust can only be established when others are aware of our strengths (5: Changed "some argues that only when others know our strength can we be trusted. However, trusted" to "While some argue that trust depends both on our real capability and personalities, just can only be established when others are aware of our strengths" for grammatical correctness), it is important to recognize that trust is built on a combination of our capabilities and character traits (6: Added this phrase to provide a clearer explanation). Simply showcasing one's strengths is insufficient for fostering genuine trust (7: Changed "just showing our strength is far beyond enough.enough" to "Simply showcasing one's strengths is insufficient for fostering genuine trust" for clarity).

8 思维导图

- 主题: 成功与谦逊
  - 意见: 成功不仅取决于展示我们的优势和成就，还需要不断自我提升和保持谦逊
    - 对比: 
      - 过分炫耀优势的人可能缺乏真正的个人发展所需的时间和精力
      - 保持谦逊并不断努力提升的人更能在职场竞争中脱颖而出，赢得他人尊敬
  - 论点1: 建立信任需要结合能力和品质特征
    - 信任不仅基于他人对我们优势的认识，还取决于我们的品质特征
    - 单纯展示优势无法建立真正的信任关系

9 关键词