TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: what is success

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章的观点表达得较为清晰，但在任务完成度方面还有待提高。首先，文章没有明确回答问题“什么是成功？”其次，文章中的例子与论述相对简单，需要更多具体的细节和论证来支持观点。建议同学在写作时更加关注问题本身，并尝试使用更多详实的例子来丰富论述。

改进示例1：

• 在开头部分明确回答问题：“对我来说，成功意味着能够完全掌控并自由支配我的时间。”

改进示例2：

• 使用更具体的例子来支持观点：“例如，一个真正成功的人可以选择在周末陪伴家人度过美好时光，而不是被迫加班处理工作。”

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面还有一定的提升空间。虽然文章包含了引言、主体和结尾部分，但各段落之间缺乏明确的过渡和联系。建议同学在写作时注意段落间的逻辑关系，并使用恰当的过渡词汇来连接不同的观点。

改进示例1：

• 在引言部分加入过渡句子：“在这篇文章中，我将通过讨论工作与时间的关系来阐述我的观点。”

改进示例2：

• 在主体部分使用过渡词汇：“然而，即使是相对富裕的人，他们也可能同样被工作所束缚。”

5. 语法批改

Perhaps manyin many(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'in' is missing in a sentence.) people’s view, success means professional successful or being an influential person in the world. But for me, success means a dominance and freedom to my own time. The poor spend the vast majority of their time at work in order to make their living, while the relatively well-off may not need to worry about living, but they are equally bound by their work. Take my father for example, he runs a company and was very busy. There is no doubt that he achieved success in his business, but at the same time, he was always worried about his work and nearly had no rest time. So, in my eyes, true success is people can do everything they want, and have the ability to say no to something they disgustdiscussed(Detects potentially wrong usage of "disgust" instead of "discussed").

Title: 6 文章修订

Success is often perceived as professional accomplishments or becoming an influential figure in society. However, I believe that true success lies in one's ability to control and enjoy their own time. Those who are financially challenged spend most of their lives working to make ends meet, while the more affluent individuals may not have financial concerns but are still constrained by their work commitments. For instance, my father, a successful entrepreneur, is constantly preoccupied with his business and has little time for leisure. In my opinion, genuine success is when individuals have the freedom to pursue their passions and interests while maintaining the power to decline tasks that they find distasteful. (114 words)

Perhaps many people’s view, success means Success is often perceived as professional successful accomplishments or being becoming an influential person figure in society (revised for clarity and conciseness). However, I believe that true success lies in one's ability to control and enjoy their own time (rephrased for better flow). Those who are financially challenged spend most of their lives working to make ends meet (edited for clarity), while the world. But more affluent individuals may not have financial concerns but are still constrained by their work commitments (rephrased for me, better flow). For instance, my father, a successful entrepreneur, is constantly preoccupied with his business and has little time for leisure (revised for clarity and conciseness). In my opinion, genuine success means a dominance and is when individuals have the freedom to my own time. The poor spend pursue their passions and interests while maintaining the vast majority of their time at work in order power to make their living, while the relatively well-off may not need to worry about living, but decline tasks that they are equally bound by their work. Take my father find distasteful (rephrased for example, he runs a company better flow and was very busy. There is no doubt that he achieved success in his business, but at the same time, he was always worried about his work and nearly had no rest time. So, in my eyes, true success is people can do everything they want, and have the ability to say no to something they disgust.clarity).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Definition of success
   - Personal belief on true success

2. Financial challenges
   - Struggle to make ends meet
   - Limited time for personal interests

3. Affluent individuals
   - Financial freedom but constrained by work commitments
   - Example: Father as a successful entrepreneur with limited leisure time

4. Genuine success definition
   - Freedom to pursue passions and interests
   - Power to decline distasteful tasks

5. Conclusion 
   - Reiterate the importance of controlling and enjoying one's own time as true success 

Title: 9 关键词