TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: professor is teaching a class on human resources management. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1.Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2.Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22

3.Task completeness

The essay does a fair job in addressing the specific requirements of the task. The writer expresses their opinion on retaining employees by raising their salaries, which is relevant to the discussion. However, the essay could benefit from more elaboration on how this strategy would impact employee retention in comparison to other methods mentioned in the reading passage, such as improving work environment or offering opportunities for skill advancement.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Discuss how salary increases compare to other methods of employee retention.

• Provide specific examples or evidence supporting your viewpoint.

Examples:

1. "In comparison to improving workspaces, raising salaries may have a more direct impact on employee satisfaction, as it directly addresses their financial needs."

2. "A study conducted by XYZ Company found that employees who received regular salary increments were 30% less likely to leave their jobs compared to those who only had access to better work environments."

4.Essay structure and organization

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it lacks clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs, making it difficult for readers to follow the writer's train of thought.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas and paragraphs.

• Ensure each paragraph focuses on a specific point with supporting details.

Examples:

1. "While providing a comfortable workspace is important for employee satisfaction, I believe that raising salaries is even more crucial in retaining employees."

2. "To further support my argument, let us consider the impact of salary increases on employee motivation and loyalty."

3. Grammar

In terms of retaining employees, rising their salaries can be the most effective way. For most of the people, wage is always the primary factor when considering about participationconsidering participation(Collocation: consider (about)) of particular company, thus, with higher wage, workers have a better chance to stay. In addition, (Two consecutive spaces)with high inflation and current economic condition, people tend to be quite anxious with low wage, which makes them actively seeking companies offering higher wages and other benefits. By raising wages in particular, workers will be less likely to engage in job hopping just to get more moneymoney,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) since they financial requirements gets fulfilled.

6.Revised Essay

In addressing the issue of employee retention, I believe that increasing salaries is the most effective strategy. For many individuals, financial compensation is the primary factor when considering their commitment to a company. By offering competitive wages, employers can significantly improve their chances of retaining staff.

Considering the current economic climate and high inflation rates, employees with lower salaries may feel anxious and actively seek better-paying opportunities elsewhere. Raising wages not only fulfills their financial needs but also fosters a sense of loyalty and satisfaction within the company.

While creating a pleasant work environment and offering opportunities for skill advancement are important factors in employee retention, they may not have as direct an impact on job satisfaction as salary increases do. For instance, employees who receive regular salary increments are more likely to remain loyal to their company compared to those who only benefit from improved workspaces or skill development programs.

In conclusion, raising salaries is a crucial strategy for companies aiming to retain their workforce. This approach directly addresses employees' financial concerns and promotes loyalty, ultimately contributing to a stable and satisfied workforce. (186 words)

7.Essay Grading

In terms of retaining employees, rising their salaries can be addressing the issue of employee retention, I believe that increasing salaries is the most effective way. strategy. (This opening sentence clearly states the writer's opinion on the topic.) For most of the people, wage is always many individuals, financial compensation is the primary factor when considering about participation of particular company, thus, with higher wage, workers have a better chance to stay. In addition, with their commitment to a company. (This sentence explains why salary is important for employees.) By offering competitive wages, employers can significantly improve their chances of retaining staff. (This sentence connects the importance of salary to employee retention.)

Considering the current economic climate and high inflation and current economic condition, people tend to be quite rates, employees with lower salaries may feel anxious with low wage, which makes them and actively seeking companies offering higher seek better-paying opportunities elsewhere. (This sentence provides context for why raising salaries is necessary.) Raising wages and other benefits. By not only fulfills their financial needs but also fosters a sense of loyalty and satisfaction within the company. (This sentence explains the benefits of raising wages for both employees and employers.)

While creating a pleasant work environment and offering opportunities for skill advancement are important factors in particular, workers will be less employee retention, they may not have as direct an impact on job satisfaction as salary increases do. (This sentence acknowledges other factors in employee retention but argues that salary increases have a more direct impact.) For instance, employees who receive regular salary increments are more likely to engage in job hopping just to get more money since they remain loyal to their company compared to those who only benefit from improved workspaces or skill development programs. (This sentence provides an example to support the argument.)

In conclusion, raising salaries is a crucial strategy for companies aiming to retain their workforce. (This concluding sentence restates the main argument.) This approach directly addresses employees' financial requirements gets fulfilled.concerns and promotes loyalty, ultimately contributing to a stable and satisfied workforce. (The final sentence summarizes the benefits of raising salaries for employee retention.)

8.Mind Map

• Employee Retention
  • Increasing Salaries
    • Primary factor for commitment
    • Competitive wages
  • Economic Climate
    • High inflation rates
    • Financial anxiety
  • Benefits of Raising Wages
    • Loyalty and satisfaction
  • Comparison to Other Factors
    • Work environment
    • Skill advancement opportunities

9.Key Words