TOEFL TPO -1 Writing Task 1 Sample: what advice would you give to Heather in this situation ?

1.Sub Scores

Task fulfillment: 3 Organization: 4 Coherence and Cohesion: 4 Language Use: 3

2.Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22 (3.5)

3.Task completeness

The essay addresses the question by providing advice to Heather on how to deal with her excessive gaming problem. However, the essay could be improved by focusing more on the specific details from the reading and listening passages, such as Heather's reasons for playing games excessively and the negative consequences she experiences. Additionally, the essay could benefit from a more concise introduction that directly addresses the question.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Focus more on specific details from the reading and listening passages.

• Write a more concise introduction that directly addresses the question.

Examples:

1. Instead of discussing general information about computer games in the introduction, you could write something like this: "Heather's excessive gaming has negatively impacted her physical health, social life, and school performance. To help her overcome this issue, I would suggest two approaches."

2. When discussing Heather's problems, you could mention specific examples from the passages, such as her avoiding going outside or not attending after-school clubs.

4.Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing two pieces of advice for Heather (CBT therapy and yoga), and a conclusion. The paragraphs are logically organized with each focusing on a specific point and supporting details. However, transitions between ideas and paragraphs could be improved to create better coherence.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

• Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea with supporting details.

Examples:

1. Instead of starting your second body paragraph with "Another way might be helpful," you could use a clearer transition like "In addition to seeking professional help through CBT therapy."

2. To improve coherence within your paragraphs, make sure each sentence relates to the main idea of the paragraph. For example, in the paragraph about yoga, ensure that all sentences discuss how yoga can help Heather with her gaming problem.

5. Grammar

Nowadays ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) numerous diversity computer games that are well-designed with interesting storylines, beautiful scenery and fun-filled challenges are launched everydayevery day(everyday (every day)), appealing thousands of million players. It has lots of benefit to play computer games moderately. However, it may lead to problems in the real world if an excessive amount of time is spendspent(Agreement: 'been' or 'was' + past tense) on playing computer games. In the cases, playing games excessively has caused serious problems for Heather on physical side and social life. She forgetforgets(Agreement error: Non-third person/past tense verb with 'he/she/it' or a pronoun) to eat meals and to sleep until morning. Meanwhile, she stopstops(Agreement error: Non-third person/past tense verb with 'he/she/it' or a pronoun) going outside with friends and attending any after school activities ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) she even often late for school. Heather is anxious that she has realized the problems but, but(comma between independent clauses) she cannot control herself. This problematic computer usage appears to be affecting people worldwide, and has been considered as disorder by some countries ..(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) Two advices bellowbelow(Detects potentially wrong usage of "bellow" instead of "below") may help Heather to solve the problems. One effective way to deal with addictions or dependencies is Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Heather should accept assistance from professional help. According to researches on online game addiction ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) some scientists recommend cognitive behavioral therapytherapy,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) which is a talking therapy that can help people manage their problems by changing the way they think and behave. CBT is based on the concept that people’s thoughts, feelings and actions are interconnected, and that negative thoughts and feelings can trap people in a negative cycle. During the CBT therapy ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) the therapist will help Heather to break down the problems into separate parts ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) then the therapist will analyze the area to work out ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) meanwhile the therapist will ask her to practice these changes in the daily life. The eventually aims of therapy is to help her manage her problems and stop her having a negative impact on her life. Another way mightit might(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'it' is missing in a sentence.) be helpful for Heather to stay away from computer games, reduce anxiety, build self-awareness and improve physical and mental health is yoga. Heather spends whole day on playing games and escape from her social life. Attending a yoga activity can help Heather go outside, stay away from computer games. Meanwhile, she is anxious about the issues that she cannot control herself on playing games. Yoga, which is a form of mind-body practice, companyingaccompanying(misspelling) with the soft music and fresh aroma will make her feel relax and less stress. Meanwhile, yoga empowers people with abilitythe ability(This rule identifies whether the article 'the' is missing in a sentence.) to access a peaceful inner state that integrates mind. Yoga can help Heather clear her mind, release the anxiety when she cannot play gamesgames,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) and regulate her schedule. In conclusion, it is no need to worry about because this phenomenon is worldwide. What should Heather do is ask help from professional therapy like CBT ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) change the mind and behavior step by step, company with yoga to ease the mood and anxiety. With these advices, I believe that Heather will control her time spending on playing games moderately and return to normal social life.

6. Revised Essay

In today's world, a plethora of diverse computer games are launched daily, featuring captivating storylines, stunning visuals, and engaging challenges that attract millions of players. Playing computer games in moderation can be beneficial; however, spending an excessive amount of time on them may lead to real-world problems. In Heather's case, her excessive gaming has caused significant issues in her physical well-being and social life. She often forgets to eat meals and sleep until morning, stops going outside with friends, and ceases attending after-school activities. Furthermore, she is frequently late for school. Although Heather recognizes these problems, she struggles to control herself. This problematic computer usage affects people worldwide and has been considered a disorder by some countries. Two pieces of advice may help Heather address her issues.

One effective method for dealing with addictions or dependencies is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Heather should seek professional assistance through this approach. Research on online game addiction suggests that CBT—a talking therapy—can help individuals manage their problems by altering their thought patterns and behaviors. CBT operates on the principle that thoughts, feelings, and actions are interconnected; negative thoughts and feelings can trap people in a vicious cycle. During CBT sessions, the therapist will assist Heather in breaking down her problems into separate components before analyzing which areas require attention. The therapist will then encourage her to practice these changes in her daily life. The ultimate goal of therapy is to help Heather manage her issues without negatively impacting her life.

Another potentially helpful strategy for Heather to distance herself from computer games while reducing anxiety, increasing self-awareness, and improving physical and mental health is yoga. As Heather spends all day playing games and avoiding social interactions, participating in yoga activities can encourage her to go outside and take a break from gaming. Additionally, she experiences anxiety over her inability to control herself when playing games. Yoga—a mind-body practice accompanied by soothing music and calming scents—can help her relax and alleviate stress. Furthermore, yoga enables individuals to access a peaceful inner state that integrates the mind, helping Heather clear her thoughts, release anxiety when not playing games, and regulate her schedule.

By seeking professional help through CBT and gradually changing her mindset and behavior, Heather can regain control over her gaming habits. Simultaneously, practicing yoga can ease her mood and anxiety while promoting a healthier lifestyle. With these recommendations, Heather will likely manage her time spent on gaming more effectively and return to a normal social life. (416 words)

Nowadays , numerous diversity In today's world, a plethora of diverse (revised for better word choice) computer games that are well-designed with interesting storylines, beautiful scenery and fun-filled challenges are launched everyday, appealing thousands daily, featuring captivating (revised for better word choice) storylines, stunning visuals (revised for better word choice), and engaging challenges that attract millions of million players. It has lots of benefit to play Playing computer games moderately. However, it may lead to problems in the real world if in moderation can be beneficial; however, spending an excessive amount of time is spend on playing computer games. them may lead to real-world problems. In the cases, playing games excessively Heather's case, her excessive gaming has caused serious problems for Heather on significant issues (revised for better word choice) in her physical side well-being and social life. She forget often forgets to eat meals and to sleep until morning. Meanwhile, she stop morning, stops going outside with friends and friends, and ceases attending any after school activities , after-school activities. Furthermore, she even often is frequently late for school. Heather is anxious that Although Heather recognizes these problems, she has realized the problems but she cannot struggles to control herself. This problematic computer usage appears to be affecting affects people worldwide, worldwide and has been considered as a disorder by some countries . countries. Two advices bellow pieces of advice may help Heather to solve the problems. address her issues.

One effective way to deal method for dealing with addictions or dependencies is Cognitive behavioral therapy Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Heather should accept seek professional assistance from professional help. According to researches through this approach (revised for clarity). Research on online game addiction , some scientists recommend cognitive behavioral therapy which is a suggests that CBT—a talking therapy that can therapy—can help people individuals manage their problems by changing the way they think and behave. altering their thought patterns and behaviors. CBT is based operates on the concept principle that people’s thoughts, feelings feelings, and actions are interconnected, and that interconnected; negative thoughts and feelings can trap people in a negative cycle. vicious cycle (revised for better word choice). During the CBT therapy , sessions, the therapist will help Heather to break assist Heather in breaking down the her problems into separate parts , then the components before analyzing which areas require attention. The therapist will analyze the area to work out , meanwhile the therapist will ask then encourage her to practice these changes in the her daily life. The eventually aims ultimate goal of therapy is to help her Heather manage her problems and stop her having a negative impact on issues without negatively impacting her life.

Another way might be potentially helpful for Heather to stay away strategy for Heather to distance herself from computer games, reduce games while reducing anxiety, build increasing self-awareness and improve (revised for clarity), and improving physical and mental health is yoga. As Heather spends whole all day on playing games and escape avoiding social interactions, participating in yoga activities can encourage her to go outside and take a break from her social life. Attending a yoga activity can help Heather go outside, stay away from computer games. Meanwhile, gaming. Additionally, she is anxious about the issues that she cannot experiences anxiety over her inability to control herself on when playing games. Yoga, which is a form of Yoga—a mind-body practice, companying with the soft practice accompanied by soothing music and fresh aroma will make her feel calming scents—can help her relax and less stress. Meanwhile, alleviate stress (revised for better word choice). Furthermore, yoga empowers people with ability enables individuals to access a peaceful inner state that integrates mind. Yoga can help the mind, helping Heather clear her mind, thoughts, release the anxiety when she cannot play games not playing games, and regulate her schedule.

In conclusion, it is no need to worry about because this phenomenon is worldwide. What should Heather do is ask By seeking professional help from professional therapy like through CBT , change the mind and behavior step by step, company with and gradually changing her mindset and behavior, Heather can regain control over her gaming habits (revised for clarity). Simultaneously, practicing yoga to can ease the her mood and anxiety. anxiety while promoting a healthier lifestyle. With these advices, I believe that recommendations, Heather will control likely manage her time spending spent on playing games moderately gaming more effectively and return to a normal social life.

8. Mind Map

Mind Map
|
|-- Introduction
|   |-- Diverse computer games
|   |-- Benefits of gaming in moderation
|   |-- Excessive gaming issues (Heather's case)
|
|-- Problematic computer usage as a disorder
|
|-- Advice for Heather
|   |-- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
|       |-- Professional assistance
|       |-- Managing problems by altering thought patterns and behaviors
|       |-- Breaking down problems into components
|       |-- Practicing changes in daily life
|
|   |-- Yoga practice
|       |-- Reducing anxiety and increasing self-awareness
|       |-- Improving physical and mental health
|       |-- Encouraging social interactions and breaks from gaming
|
|-- Conclusion
    |-- Regaining control over gaming habits through CBT and yoga practice
    |-- Returning to a normal social life

9. Key Words