TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on economics. Write a post responding to the professor’s question. In your response you should: express and support your personal opinion make a contribution to the discussion in your own words An effective response will contain at least 100 words.

1.子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 2.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2.预估分数

20. 3.任务完成度

在这篇文章中，您的回答没有完全遵循任务要求。您的回答应该针对经济学教授提出的问题，而不是讨论手机。此外，您需要更详细地阐述和支持您的观点。为了改进，请确保仔细阅读任务说明，并针对问题提供相关且有力的论据。

示例1（改进前）：我坚信手机是近年来最值得注意的发明。 示例1（改进后）：我认为医学领域的突破性发现非常重要，尤其是抗生素的发现。

示例2（改进前）：我们都知道现代资源和应用程序有很多，通常保存在电脑里。 示例2（改进后）：抗生素的发现极大地提高了人类健康水平，并减少了因感染引起的死亡率。

4.文章结构与组织

从组织结构方面来看，这篇文章需要进行一些调整。首先，确保引入段清晰地表达了您将要讨论的主题。接下来，在正文段落中，专注于一个具体的观点，并提供支持细节。最后，用结论段总结您的论点。使用清晰的过渡词和短语来连接不同的观点和段落。

示例1（改进前）：我们都知道现代资源和应用程序有很多，通常保存在电脑里。 示例1（改进后）：首先，我认为抗生素的发现对人类健康产生了深远影响。

示例2（改进前）：有些人可能会觉得电脑在准确性方面有更多资源。 示例2（改进后）：此外，抗生素在全球范围内挽救了数百万人的生命。

5. 语法批改

In this discourse, embarking on discussing the topic of recent discovery, Doctor Achebe has invited the students to come up with perspectives on what invention or discovery from the last two hundred years is most salutary. While I appreciate the points mentioned by both Paul and Claire, I firmly believe that the mobile phone symbolizes the most notable in recent years. We all know that contemporary resources and applications have a vast amount and are usually saved in the computer, which is heavy and hard to carry. Remember that individuals are more likely to communicate and search for information conveniently, so the invention of the mobile phone has provided several applications encompassing social media and entertainment services. Some people may feel that computer has more resources in accuracy, yet computer will not concern the problem with daily utilization.

6.文章修订

In response to Dr. Achebe's inquiry regarding the most significant scientific discovery or technological invention from the last two hundred years, I would like to propose the development of antibiotics as a crucial advancement. This medical breakthrough has profoundly impacted human health and well-being, reducing mortality rates caused by bacterial infections.

Firstly, antibiotics have revolutionized the treatment of various infectious diseases, enabling doctors to combat previously untreatable conditions effectively. Consequently, this has led to a substantial increase in life expectancy worldwide. Furthermore, antibiotics have played a pivotal role in making surgical procedures safer by preventing postoperative infections.

However, it is essential to acknowledge the challenges associated with antibiotic resistance due to their overuse and misuse. As we continue to rely on these life-saving drugs, it is imperative that we invest in research and development of new antibiotics and alternative treatments to ensure our ability to combat bacterial infections in the future.

While both Paul's suggestion of space satellites and Claire's focus on nutrition are noteworthy contributions, I believe that the discovery of antibiotics has had a more immediate and widespread impact on human lives across the globe. (188 words)

7.文章批改

In this discourse, embarking on discussing the topic of recent discovery, Doctor Achebe has invited the students to come up with perspectives on what response to Dr. Achebe's inquiry regarding the most significant scientific discovery or technological invention or discovery from the last two hundred years years, I would like to propose the development of antibiotics as a crucial advancement. (Revised for clarity and focus on the chosen topic) This medical breakthrough has profoundly impacted human health and well-being, reducing mortality rates caused by bacterial infections. (Revised for coherence and cohesion)

Firstly, antibiotics have revolutionized the treatment of various infectious diseases, enabling doctors to combat previously untreatable conditions effectively. (Revised for advanced vocabulary and proper grammar) Consequently, this has led to a substantial increase in life expectancy worldwide. (Revised for natural flow of statements) Furthermore, antibiotics have played a pivotal role in making surgical procedures safer by preventing postoperative infections. (Revised for smooth transitions)

However, it is most salutary. essential to acknowledge the challenges associated with antibiotic resistance due to their overuse and misuse. (Revised for formal written College-level English) As we continue to rely on these life-saving drugs, it is imperative that we invest in research and development of new antibiotics and alternative treatments to ensure our ability to combat bacterial infections in the future. (Revised for advanced vocabulary and proper grammar)

While both Paul's suggestion of space satellites and Claire's focus on nutrition are noteworthy contributions, I appreciate the points mentioned by both Paul and Claire, I firmly believe that the mobile phone symbolizes the most notable in recent years. We all know that contemporary resources and applications have a vast amount and are usually saved in the computer, which is heavy and hard to carry. Remember that individuals are discovery of antibiotics has had a more likely to communicate and search for information conveniently, so the invention of the mobile phone has provided several applications encompassing social media and entertainment services. Some people may feel that computer has more resources in accuracy, yet computer will not concern the problem with daily utilization.immediate and widespread impact on human lives across the globe. (Revised for strong conclusion without using typical conclusion phrases)

8.思维导图

• Introduction

  • Dr. Achebe's inquiry
  • Antibiotics as a crucial advancement

• Impact on human health

  • Medical breakthrough
  • Reduced mortality rates

• Revolutionized treatment

  • Infectious diseases
  • Increased life expectancy

• Role in surgical procedures

  • Safety improvement
  • Prevention of postoperative infections

• Challenges and future considerations

  • Antibiotic resistance
  • Research and development of new treatments

9.关键词