TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on business management. Write a post responding to the professor’s question. In your response you should do the following. · Express and support your opinion · Make a contribution to the discussion in your own words An effective response will contain at least 100 words.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 28

3. Task completeness

The essay effectively addresses the task requirements by expressing a clear opinion on remote work and providing relevant support for that viewpoint. However, the essay could be improved by further elaborating on the opposing viewpoint (Rory's perspective) and addressing some of the concerns raised in that argument. Additionally, incorporating more specific examples or data to support your claims would strengthen your argument.

Example 1:

• Include a counterargument to Rory's concern about building relationships in remote work settings, such as mentioning how technology can facilitate communication and collaboration.

Example 2:

• Provide a real-life example or statistic to demonstrate how remote work has positively impacted employees' productivity or well-being.

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could benefit from clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve the flow of the text. Additionally, consider expanding on each point made in separate paragraphs for better organization.

Example 1:

• Add transitional phrases such as "Furthermore" or "On the other hand" to connect ideas smoothly.

Example 2:

• Separate points into distinct paragraphs: one paragraph discussing time-saving benefits of remote work, another paragraph discussing financial benefits (housing expenses), and a third paragraph addressing counterarguments from Rory's perspective.

5. Grammar

Tackling this challenging topic, I align with Amy's perspective, which points out that remote work is a positive trend. From where I stand, I firmly believe that remote work can augment employees' working efficiency and then improve the income of employees since remote work reduces the time and financial cost of the employees. To be more specific, instead of spending too much time on the road to the company's work site, employees obtain much more time to sleep and even eat breakfast, which can be prepared carefully. Abundant sleep and energy can guarantee work efficiency within working hours. For instance, nowadays, employees, who work in a huge city, cannot afford the price of housing near the company's base site, which is always in the center of a city. Therefore, remote work can help them to reduce this housing expense.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In addressing this complex issue, I concur with Amy's viewpoint that remote work constitutes a positive development. I am convinced that remote work can enhance employees' productivity and subsequently increase their earnings, as it reduces both the time and financial burdens associated with commuting. Specifically, rather than dedicating excessive time to traveling to the workplace, employees gain additional hours for rest and even leisurely breakfast preparation. Sufficient sleep and energy are crucial for maintaining efficiency during working hours. For example, many employees in large cities struggle to afford housing near their company's central location. Consequently, remote work offers a viable solution to alleviate this financial strain on housing expenses. (114 words)

Tackling In addressing this challenging topic, complex issue (revised for clarity and formality), I align concur with Amy's perspective, which points out viewpoint that remote work is constitutes a positive trend. From where development (revised for conciseness and formality). I stand, I firmly believe am convinced that remote work can enhance employees' productivity (augment employees' working efficiency changed to enhance for better word choice) and then improve the income of employees since remote work subsequently increase their earnings, as it reduces both the time and financial cost of the employees. To be more specific, instead of spending too much burdens associated with commuting (revised for clarity). Specifically, rather than dedicating excessive time on the road to traveling to the company's work site, workplace, employees obtain much more time to sleep gain additional hours for rest and even eat breakfast, which can be prepared carefully. Abundant leisurely breakfast preparation (revised for clarity and natural tone). Sufficient sleep and energy can guarantee work are crucial for maintaining efficiency within during working hours. hours (revised for natural tone). For instance, nowadays, employees, who work example, many employees in a huge city, cannot large cities struggle to afford the price of housing near the their company's base site, which is always in the center of a city. Therefore, central location (revised for clarity). Consequently, remote work can help them offers a viable solution to reduce alleviate this financial strain on housing expense.expenses (revised for natural tone and clarity).

8 Mind Map

1. Remote work

   • Positive development
   • Amy's viewpoint

2. Enhanced productivity

   • Time savings
   • Financial benefits

3. Reduced commuting burden

   • Less travel time
   • Lower expenses

4. Improved work-life balance

   • More rest time
   • Leisurely breakfast preparation

5. Importance of sleep and energy

   • Efficiency during working hours

6. Housing affordability issues in large cities

   • Central location struggles

7. Remote work as a solution

   • Alleviating financial strain

8. Conclusion

   • Remote work benefits outweigh drawbacks

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

In addressing this complex issue, I concur with Amy's viewpoint that remote work constitutes a positive development. I am convinced that remote work can enhance employees' productivity and subsequently increase their earnings, as it reduces both the time and financial burdens associated with commuting. Specifically, rather than dedicating excessive time to traveling to the workplace, employees gain additional hours for rest and even leisurely breakfast preparation. Sufficient sleep and energy are crucial for maintaining efficiency during working hours. For example, many employees in large cities struggle to afford housing near their company's central location. Consequently, remote work offers a viable solution to alleviate this financial strain on housing expenses.