TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on marketing. Write a post responding to the professor's question. In your response you should do the following. · Express and support your opinion. · Make a contribution to the discussion in your own words. An effective response will contain at least 100 words.

1. Sub Scores:

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores:

Estimated Score: 27

3. Task completeness:

The essay addresses the specific requirements of the task quite well, as it expresses a clear opinion on the topic and provides support for that opinion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more detailed examples or explanations.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Expand on the reasons why ordinary people are more effective promoters by providing more specific examples or evidence.

• Discuss potential drawbacks of using celebrities in advertising to further strengthen your argument.

Examples:

1. "By using ordinary people, customers can relate to their experiences with the product, which may lead to increased trust in the brand."
2. "Celebrities may sometimes endorse products they don't genuinely use or believe in, which could result in a loss of credibility if this information becomes public."

4. Essay structure and organization:

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of organizing ideas within paragraphs and using transitions between ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the main idea.

• Include transitions between ideas to create a smoother flow within paragraphs.

Examples:

1. Topic sentence example: "One reason why ordinary people are more effective promoters is that they can provide authentic testimonials about their experiences with the product."
2. Transition example: "Furthermore, by featuring ordinary people in advertisements, brands can appeal to a wider range of customers who may not identify with celebrities."

5. Grammar

From my perspective, both celebrities and ordinary people have their own advantages, whereas I prefer to have ordinary people as promoters. In the marketplace, we observe that most of the well-known brands invite celebrities or entertainers as their promoters. Admittedly, it will attract more customers’ attention on the brands. Nevertheless, we are also victims of this advertising strategies, that is, these brands typically have a higher pricesa higher prex(Agreement: 'a' + plural word) thatthan(Detects potentially wrong usage of "that") common brand, and the prices contain high percentage of marketing fees given to celebrities for promotion. If the brand invite ordinary people to advertise their products, common customers will feel real about the using experiences of the products. For instance, my mother loves the Uniqlo clothes. One of the main reason is that this brand does not overemphasize the effect of using celebrities, instead, it inviteinvites('it' + non-3rd person verb) common people as promoter to write about how the clothes isare(Detects potentially wrong usage of "is") comfortable and help them create an ideal lifestyle. Therefore, I think the “ordinary people” strategy is more beneficial and practical to ordinary customers.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, both celebrity endorsements and the use of ordinary people in advertising have their respective merits; however, I am inclined to favor the latter approach. It is true that many well-established brands rely on celebrities or entertainers to promote their products, which can undoubtedly draw attention and create buzz. However, this strategy often results in higher prices for consumers due to the substantial marketing fees paid to these high-profile endorsers. By contrast, featuring ordinary people in advertisements allows potential customers to relate more closely to the product and its users, providing a more authentic representation of the user experience. For example, my mother is an avid fan of Uniqlo clothing, primarily because the brand does not overly rely on celebrity endorsements. Instead, it enlists everyday individuals as promoters who share their genuine experiences with the clothing's comfort and how it contributes to their ideal lifestyle. Consequently, I believe that adopting an "ordinary people" strategy proves more advantageous and practical for the average consumer. (170 words)

From Revised essay: Display title: 7 Essay Grading

In my perspective, opinion, both celebrities and celebrity endorsements and the use of ordinary people in advertising have their own advantages, whereas respective merits; however, I prefer to have ordinary people as promoters. In the marketplace, we observe am inclined to favor the latter approach (revised for clarity and conciseness). It is true that most of the well-known many well-established brands invite rely on celebrities or entertainers as their promoters. Admittedly, it will attract more customers’ to promote their products, which can undoubtedly draw attention on the brands. Nevertheless, we are also victims of and create buzz (rephrased for smoother flow). However, this advertising strategies, that is, these brands typically have a strategy often results in higher prices that common brand, and the prices contain high percentage of for consumers due to the substantial marketing fees given to celebrities for promotion. If the brand invite paid to these high-profile endorsers (revised for clarity). By contrast, featuring ordinary people to advertise their products, common in advertisements allows potential customers will feel real about the using experiences to relate more closely to the product and its users, providing a more authentic representation of the products. user experience (rephrased for smoother flow). For instance, example, my mother loves the is an avid fan of Uniqlo clothes. One of the main reason is that this clothing, primarily because the brand does not overemphasize the effect of using celebrities, instead, overly rely on celebrity endorsements. Instead, it invite common people enlists everyday individuals as promoter to write about promoters who share their genuine experiences with the clothing's comfort and how the clothes is comfortable and help them create it contributes to their ideal lifestyle (revised for clarity and conciseness). Consequently, I believe that adopting an ideal lifestyle. Therefore, I think the “ordinary people” "ordinary people" strategy is proves more beneficial advantageous and practical to ordinary customers.for the average consumer (rephrased for smoother flow).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

- Celebrity Endorsements
    - Pros
        - Draw attention
        - Create buzz
    - Cons
        - Higher prices for consumers
        - Marketing fees for endorsers

- Ordinary People in Advertising
    - Pros
        - Relatable to potential customers
        - Authentic representation of user experience
    - Cons
        - Less attention-grabbing (compared to celebrities)

- Example: Uniqlo clothing
    - Everyday individuals as promoters
    - Genuine experiences shared with the public

Display title: 9 Key Words

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, both celebrity endorsements and the use of ordinary people in advertising have their respective merits; however, I am inclined to favor the latter approach. It is true that many well-established brands rely on celebrities or entertainers to promote their products, which can undoubtedly draw attention and create buzz. However, this strategy often results in higher prices for consumers due to the substantial marketing fees paid to these high-profile endorsers. By contrast, featuring ordinary people in advertisements allows potential customers to relate more closely to the product and its users, providing a more authentic representation of the user experience. For example, my mother is an avid fan of Uniqlo clothing, primarily because the brand does not overly rely on celebrity endorsements. Instead, it enlists everyday individuals as promoters who share their genuine experiences with the clothing's comfort and how it contributes to their ideal lifestyle. Consequently, I believe that adopting an "ordinary people" strategy proves more advantageous and practical for the average consumer.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 27

3. 任务完成度

整体而言，你的文章回答了教授的问题，并提出了一个观点。然而，你可以进一步改进你的文章，以更好地支持你的观点。例如，你可以提供更多关于普通人在广告中的真实例子，以及这种策略如何在实际情况中产生积极影响。此外，尝试使用更多具体细节来支持你的论点。

Example 1: Instead of saying "advertising can achieve a similar effect if they put more efforts in creating an interesting plot," you could provide a specific example of an advertisement that successfully used ordinary people and an interesting plot to grab viewers' attention.

Example 2: Expand on the financial advantage of using ordinary people in advertisements by providing data or examples of companies that have saved money with this strategy and were able to invest in product improvement.

4. 文章结构与组织

从组织结构上看，你的文章有明确的结构，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在段落之间添加一些过渡句子可以使文章更连贯。此外，在正文部分中，可以将不同论点分成不同段落来讨论。

Example 1: Add a transition sentence between the financial advantage argument and the attention-grabbing argument, such as "Besides the financial aspect, ordinary people in advertisements can also effectively grab viewers' attention."

Example 2: Separate your main points into different paragraphs. For example, discuss the financial advantage of using ordinary people in one paragraph and the potential for attention-grabbing in another paragraph.

5. 语法批改

I firmly believe that having ordinary people talk in the advertising is the better strategy, as the thisthe(Two consecutive articles, e.g. 'the a') strategy have a financial advantage compared to that using celebrities. To be more specific, the advertising by inviting the famous people cost a large amount of money. whileWhile(Checks that a sentence starts with an uppercase letter) the advertising can save the expense through having people talk sincerely about their true feeling about the product. Therefore, the company can invest the money saved by advertising to improve their product, building a beneficial cycle. While Rory argues that celebrities can attract more viewers due to their reputation, I think advertising can achieve the similar effect if they put more efforts in creating aan(Use of 'a' vs. 'an') interesting plot.

Title: 6 文章修订

In my opinion, utilizing ordinary people in advertising campaigns is a more effective strategy, primarily due to the financial advantages it offers compared to celebrity endorsements. Specifically, featuring famous individuals in advertisements can be quite costly, whereas enlisting ordinary people allows for a more budget-friendly approach that still conveys genuine opinions about the product. Consequently, companies can allocate the funds saved on advertising towards enhancing their products, thereby creating a positive feedback loop. While Rory contends that celebrities can draw more viewers due to their reputation, I believe that advertisements featuring ordinary people can achieve similar results if they incorporate engaging and creative narratives. (107 words)

I firmly believe that having In my opinion, utilizing ordinary people talk in advertising campaigns is a more effective strategy [Changed "the better strategy" to "a more effective strategy" for clarity and natural tone], primarily due to the advertising is the better strategy, as the this strategy have a financial advantage advantages it offers compared to that using celebrities. To celebrity endorsements. Specifically, featuring famous individuals in advertisements can be more specific, the quite costly [Rephrased "the advertising by inviting the famous people cost a large amount of money. while money" for clarity and natural tone], whereas enlisting ordinary people allows for a more budget-friendly approach that still conveys genuine opinions about the product [Rephrased "the advertising can save the expense through having people talk sincerely about their true feeling about the product. Therefore, product" for clarity and natural tone]. Consequently, companies can allocate the company can invest the money funds saved by on advertising to improve towards enhancing their product, building products, thereby creating a positive feedback loop [Rephrased "building a beneficial cycle. cycle" for clarity and natural tone]. While Rory argues contends that celebrities can attract draw more viewers due to their reputation, I think advertising believe that advertisements featuring ordinary people can achieve similar results if they incorporate engaging and creative narratives [Rephrased "advertising can achieve the similar effect if they put more efforts in creating a an interesting plot.plot" for clarity and natural tone].

8 思维导图

- Essay Structure
    - Introduction
        - Ordinary people vs. celebrities in advertising
    - Financial Advantages
        - Cost-effective strategy
        - Funds allocation for product enhancement
    - Genuine Opinions
        - Authenticity and relatability of ordinary people
    - Engaging Narratives
        - Creative storytelling to attract viewers
    - Conclusion
        - Effectiveness of using ordinary people in advertising campaigns

9 关键词

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 28

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the specific requirements of the task by expressing an opinion on the use of ordinary people in advertising and providing support for that viewpoint. However, there is room for improvement in elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples to strengthen the argument. Additionally, it would be beneficial to address the opposing view (using celebrities) briefly and explain why ordinary people are a better choice.

Example 1: Instead of just mentioning your personal experience with mobile phone reviews, you could expand on this example by discussing how these YouTubers have influenced your purchasing decisions or how their reviews have helped you make informed choices.

Example 2: You could include a brief comparison between celebrity endorsements and ordinary people's testimonials, explaining why consumers might find ordinary people's experiences more relatable or trustworthy.

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could benefit from clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve its organization.

Example 1: In your introduction, you could start with a general statement about advertising strategies before stating your opinion on using ordinary people in advertisements. This will help guide the reader into your main argument.

Example 2: When discussing your personal experience with mobile phone reviews, you could use transition phrases like "For example" or "In my experience" to signal that you are providing evidence to support your viewpoint. This will help create a smoother flow between ideas within the paragraph.

5. Grammar

From where I stand, it is certain that advertising a product hiring ordinary people can provide more reliability and objectivity to the public since the public may pay more attention onto(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) the real-world using feelings. To be more specific, when ordinary people especially potential customers isare(Detects potentially wrong usage of "is") given a model product from the company, they can analyze this product's functions from common life using angle, and it is more objective than famous entertainers' advertisement. For instance, as reflected from my journey, when I want to purchase a brand-new mobile phone, I will watch the ideal product-related analysis videos from YouTubers, who are all ordinary customers, because they can provide detailed analysis aboutanalysis of(Collocation: analysis about/of) the mobile phone, such as advantages and disadvantages. Consequently, the company should use ordinary people to advertise their products.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, utilizing ordinary people in advertising campaigns offers a more authentic and relatable approach for potential customers. This strategy allows consumers to see the product being used in real-life situations, which can lead to a more objective evaluation of its features and benefits. For example, when considering the purchase of a new mobile phone, I often turn to reviews and analysis videos created by ordinary users on platforms like YouTube. These individuals provide detailed insights into the device's pros and cons from a practical standpoint, making their evaluations more trustworthy than those of celebrity endorsers. Therefore, I believe that companies should prioritize incorporating ordinary people in their advertisements to foster greater credibility and relatability with their target audience. (125 words)

From where I stand, it is certain that advertising In my opinion (revised for a product hiring more natural tone), utilizing ordinary people can provide in advertising campaigns offers a more reliability authentic and objectivity to the public since the public may pay more attention on the real-world using feelings. To be more specific, when ordinary people especially relatable approach for potential customers is given (rephrased for clarity). This strategy allows consumers to see the product being used in real-life situations (simplified for better flow), which can lead to a model product from the company, they can analyze this product's functions from common life using angle, and it is more objective than famous entertainers' advertisement. evaluation of its features and benefits (rephrased for clarity). For instance, as reflected from my journey, example, when I want to considering the purchase of a brand-new new mobile phone, I will watch the ideal product-related often turn to reviews and analysis videos from YouTubers, who are all created by ordinary customers, because they can users on platforms like YouTube (clarified context). These individuals provide detailed analysis about insights into the mobile phone, such as advantages device's pros and disadvantages. Consequently, the company cons from a practical standpoint (rephrased for better flow), making their evaluations more trustworthy than those of celebrity endorsers (simplified for clarity). Therefore, I believe that companies should use prioritize incorporating ordinary people in their advertisements to advertise foster greater credibility and relatability with their products.target audience (rephrased for a stronger conclusion).

8 Mind Map

1. Authenticity

   • Ordinary people
   • Real-life situations

2. Relatability

   • Consumer connection
   • Shared experiences

3. Objective evaluation

   • Features and benefits
   • Practical standpoint

4. Trustworthiness

   • Non-celebrity endorsers
   • Honest reviews

5. Platforms for ordinary users

   • YouTube videos
   • Social media reviews

6. Credibility

   • Realistic expectations
   • Genuine opinions

7. Target audience

   • Consumer preferences

8. Advertising strategy

   • Incorporating ordinary people

9 Key Words