TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on economics. Write a post responding to the professor’s question. In your response you should: • express and support your opinion • make a contribution to the discussion An effective response will contain at least 100 words. You will have 10 minutes to write it. Dr. Achebe When people are asked about the most important discoveries or inventions made in the last two hundred years, they usually mention something very obvious, like the computer or the cell phone. But there are thousands of other discoveries or inventions that have had a huge impact on how we live today. What scientific discovery or technological invention from the last two hundred years—other than computers and cell phones—would you choose as being important? Why? Paul I mean, we’re so used to science and technology that we are not even aware of all the things we use in our daily lives. I would probably choose space satellites. This technology happened in the last hundred years, and it has become important for so many things. Just think about navigation, or telecommunications, or even the military. Claire I am thinking about medical progress. Like, for example, when scientists discovered things about healthy nutrition. I am thinking of identifying all the vitamins we need to stay healthy. I am not sure exactly when the vitamin discoveries happened, but I know they are very important. Our health is much better than it was 200 years ago.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 4

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

您的文章在任务完成度方面表现良好，您成功地回答了问题，并提供了有关医学进步重要性的观点。但是，您可以通过提供更多具体的例子和详细信息来进一步改进文章。例如，您可以讨论某种特定的医学技术或治疗方法如何改变了人们的生活。

Example 1: Instead of "With the help of modern medicine, they can live a longer and happier life.", you could write "With the help of modern medicine, such as vaccines and antibiotics, people can live longer and healthier lives by preventing or treating previously fatal diseases."

Example 2: Instead of "Medical progress brings out a more equal world.", you could write "Medical progress has made healthcare more accessible to people from different socioeconomic backgrounds, leading to a more equal world."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构和组织方面表现不错，有清晰的引言、主体和结论。然而，可以通过在段落之间使用更明确的过渡词或短语来改善连贯性。

建议1（简体中文）： 在段落之间使用过渡词或短语，以帮助读者更好地理解您的观点之间的联系。

Example 1: Instead of starting the second paragraph with "To evaluate,", you could write "Firstly, medical progress has significantly contributed to the expansion of people's life span and improvement in their living quality."

Example 2: Instead of starting the third paragraph with "To be more specific,", you could write "Moreover, medical progress has made healthcare more accessible to people from different backgrounds."

5. 语法批改

I believe medical progress is the most crucial development made in the last 200 years, since it has saved lives of people from all over the world, regardless of their financial status, religious belief, skin color, gender, nationality or age.

To evaluate, progress made in medical field contribute to expand people's life span and also improve their living quality. Hundreds of years ago, people suffer or die from some diseases that nowadays can be easily cured, for example, asthma. With the help of modern medicine, they can live a longer and happier life.

To be more specific, in the past, medical service can be only accessed by those rich or who live in big cities. But nowadaysnowadays,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) almost people from every corner of the world can get treated. Medical progress brings out a more equal world.

Title: 6 文章修订

In my opinion, the most significant scientific discovery or technological invention in the last two hundred years, apart from computers and cell phones, is medical progress. This development has been crucial in saving lives and improving the overall well-being of people across the globe, irrespective of their socioeconomic status, religious beliefs, ethnicity, gender, or nationality.

One key aspect of medical progress is its contribution to extending human life expectancy and enhancing the quality of life. In previous centuries, individuals often suffered or perished from diseases that can now be easily treated or managed. For instance, conditions such as asthma were once debilitating but are now manageable thanks to advancements in modern medicine. As a result, people today can lead longer and more fulfilling lives.

Furthermore, medical progress has democratized access to healthcare services. In the past, only the wealthy or those residing in urban centers could obtain proper medical treatment. However, contemporary advancements have made healthcare accessible to individuals from all walks of life and geographic locations. Consequently, medical progress has fostered a more equitable world by bridging gaps in healthcare accessibility. (185 words)

Revised essay: Title: 7 文章批改

I believe that medical progress is the most crucial development made in the last 200 years, since as it has saved the lives of people from all over the world, regardless of their financial status, religious belief, beliefs, skin color, gender, nationality nationality, or age. (Changed "belief" to "beliefs" for consistency and plural form)

To evaluate, evaluate this claim, progress made in the medical field contribute to expand has contributed to expanding people's life span spans and also improve improving their living quality. (Changed "contribute to expand" to "contributed to expanding" for proper verb tense) Hundreds of years ago, people suffer or die suffered or died from some diseases that nowadays can be easily cured, cured; for example, asthma. (Changed "suffer" to "suffered" for proper verb tense and added a semicolon for clarity) With the help of modern medicine, they can live a longer and happier life. lives.

To be more specific, in the past, medical service can services could only be accessed by those who were rich or lived in big cities. (Changed "can be only accessed by those rich or who live in big cities. live" to "could only be accessed by those who were rich or lived" for proper verb tense and sentence structure) But nowadays almost people everyone from every corner of the world can get treated. (Changed "people" to "everyone" for emphasis) Medical progress brings out about a more equal world.

8 思维导图

Mindmap:

- Medical progress
  - Extending human life expectancy
    - Quality of life enhancement
      - Asthma management
  - Democratizing access to healthcare services
    - Healthcare accessibility for all
      - Bridging gaps in healthcare accessibility

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

24. 3 任务完成度

虽然你的文章回答了问题，但还有一些地方可以改进。首先，你的回答没有涉及到经济学课程的内容，这是任务要求中的一个重要方面。其次，在阐述观点时，可以更具体地说明相机如何影响了我们的生活，并给出更多相关例子。此外，注意避免语法错误和用词不当。

示例1（更关注经济学）：在过去的两百年里，我认为交通工具的发展对我们的生活产生了重大影响。例如，火车、汽车和飞机等交通工具使得货物和人员能够快速、便捷地运输，从而促进了全球贸易和经济增长。

示例2（更详细地阐述观点）：相机的发明不仅让我们能够记录生活中珍贵的瞬间，还为各行各业带来了巨大变革。例如，在新闻业中，摄影记者可以通过拍摄照片来记录历史事件，让读者更直观地了解新闻背后的故事。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面还有待加强。首先，可以在开头部分明确地表达你的观点，并简要介绍文章将讨论的内容。其次，每个段落应该集中讨论一个具体的观点，并提供支持细节。最后，注意在段落之间使用过渡词或短语，使文章更连贯。

示例1（改进开头部分）：在过去的两百年里，有许多科学发现和技术发明改变了我们的生活。尽管计算机和手机等设备无疑对我们产生了巨大影响，但我认为相机同样重要。本文将探讨相机如何影响我们的日常生活以及它在各个领域中所起到的作用。

示例2（改进段落结构）：首先，相机使我们能够轻松地记录生活中珍贵的瞬间。以前，人们只能通过绘画或书写来记录他们所看到的景象，这种方法既不准确又耗时。然而，随着相机的发明，人们只需按下快门就可以捕捉到他们所看到的一切。

5. 语法批改

I totally agree with professor's opinion. There are many discoveries we ignore changeto change(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) our daily life and help our life more convenient and colorful, just like unsung herosheroes(misspelling). I think camera is one of these. Before the invention of camera, people can only record the image they have seen by pens, but that method is not accurate and time-consuming. Because theof the(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'of' is missing in a sentence.) invention of camera, people can wherever and whenever record what they see by just pressing the button of camera. More importantly, they can capture the moments they stayed with their relatives and when their relatives passed away, they can still take out the photograph and recall the unforgettable moments. The invention of camera makes people immortal to some degree in the mind of people who loves them.

Display title: 6 文章修订

I concur with Dr. Achebe's assertion that numerous overlooked discoveries have significantly impacted our daily lives, serving as unsung heroes. In my opinion, the camera is one such invention. Prior to its development, individuals could only document their visual experiences through writing or drawing, which were often inaccurate and time-consuming methods. The advent of the camera revolutionized this process, enabling people to effortlessly capture and preserve moments by simply pressing a button. Furthermore, photographs allow us to immortalize cherished memories with loved ones, providing a tangible means of reminiscing even after they have passed away. Thus, the invention of the camera has granted a form of immortality within the hearts and minds of those who hold these captured moments dear. (124 words)

I totally agree concur with professor's opinion. There are many Dr. Achebe's assertion (revised for clarity and formality) that numerous overlooked discoveries we ignore change have significantly impacted our daily life and help our life more convenient and colorful, just like lives, serving as unsung heros. I think heroes (rephrased for better flow). In my opinion, the camera is one such invention (rephrased for clarity). Prior to its development, individuals could only document their visual experiences through writing or drawing, which were often inaccurate and time-consuming methods (revised for conciseness). The advent of these. Before the camera revolutionized this process, enabling people to effortlessly capture and preserve moments by simply pressing a button (rephrased for better flow). Furthermore, photographs allow us to immortalize cherished memories with loved ones, providing a tangible means of reminiscing even after they have passed away (revised for clarity and conciseness). Thus, the invention of camera, people can only record the image they have seen by pens, but that method is not accurate camera has granted a form of immortality within the hearts and time-consuming. Because the invention minds of camera, people can wherever those who hold these captured moments dear (rephrased for better flow and whenever record what they see by just pressing the button of camera. More importantly, they can capture the moments they stayed with their relatives and when their relatives passed away, they can still take out the photograph and recall the unforgettable moments. The invention of camera makes people immortal to some degree in the mind of people who loves them.impact).

Display title: 8 思维导图

Mindmap:

1. Introduction
   - Overlooked discoveries
   - Unsung heroes

2. Camera as an unsung hero
   - Documenting visual experiences
   - Inaccurate and time-consuming methods before the camera

3. Revolutionizing the process
   - Effortless capture and preservation of moments

4. Immortalizing cherished memories
   - Tangible means of reminiscing

5. Granting a form of immortality
   - Captured moments held dear in hearts and minds

6. Conclusion
   - Importance of the camera as an overlooked discovery

Display title: 9 关键词

Display title: 6 文章修订

I concur with Dr. Achebe's assertion that numerous overlooked discoveries have significantly impacted our daily lives, serving as unsung heroes. In my opinion, the camera is one such invention. Prior to its advent, individuals could only document their visual experiences through writing or drawing, which were often inaccurate and time-consuming methods. The invention of the camera revolutionized this process, enabling people to effortlessly capture and preserve moments by simply pressing a button. Furthermore, photographs allow us to immortalize cherished memories with loved ones, providing a tangible means of reminiscing even after they have passed away. Thus, the invention of the camera has granted a form of immortality within the hearts and minds of those who hold these captured moments dear.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在任务完成度方面表现良好，成功地回答了教授的问题，并对讨论作出了贡献。然而，可以改进的地方是更具体地说明DNA发现如何影响经济学领域。此外，尝试提供更多关于DNA发现对社会和科学产生的具体影响的例子。

Example 1: Instead of just mentioning that DNA research helps in tracking down culprits, you could elaborate on how it has revolutionized forensic science and helped solve numerous criminal cases, leading to a safer society.

Example 2: You could mention how advancements in DNA research have led to the development of genetically modified crops, which have had a significant impact on agricultural productivity and global food supply.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构和组织方面表现不错，有明确的引言、主体和结论。然而，可以改进的地方是在段落之间加入更清晰的过渡，并确保每个段落都集中讨论一个特定观点。

Example 1: To improve the transition between paragraphs, you could use phrases like "In addition to its applications in forensics," or "Another significant impact of DNA research can be seen in the field of agriculture."

Example 2: To ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific point, you could dedicate one paragraph to discussing the impact of DNA research on forensic science, another paragraph on its influence on medical advancements, and a final paragraph on its role in agriculture and food production.

5. Grammar

Personally, the discovery of DNA as well as its structure is considered as the most important discovery to me. DNA has refined people's knowledge of life down to the molecular level, which also means a huge progresshuge progress(Articles: a + uncountable noun) in genetic studies. By studying the DNA of ourselves and other animals, we are able to ultilizeutilize(misspelling) gene in various aspects. For example, we are more efficient in tracking down the culprits based on DNA from the crime scene. What's more, it is now possible for us to diagnosis and even cure people's genetic disease by researching or modifying their DNA structure. These kinds of (Two consecutive spaces)disease waswere(Detects potentially wrong usage of "was") mysterious and overwhelming when placed before DNA research.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In my opinion, the discovery of DNA and its structure stands as one of the most significant scientific advancements in the past two centuries. This breakthrough has revolutionized our understanding of life at the molecular level, paving the way for remarkable progress in genetic research. By examining our own DNA and that of other organisms, we have harnessed the power of genes to address various challenges. For instance, DNA analysis has greatly improved criminal investigations by enabling us to identify perpetrators through evidence left at crime scenes. Furthermore, advancements in genetic research have facilitated the diagnosis and potential treatment of previously enigmatic genetic diseases by studying or modifying an individual's DNA structure. (117 words)

Personally, In my opinion (revised for a more natural tone), the discovery of DNA as well as and its structure is considered (clarified for better readability) stands as one of the most important discovery to me. DNA significant scientific advancements in the past two centuries. This breakthrough has refined people's knowledge revolutionized our understanding of life down to at the molecular level, which also means a huge paving the way for remarkable progress in genetic studies. research. By studying examining our own DNA and that of other organisms (rephrased for clarity), we have harnessed the power of genes to address various challenges. For instance, DNA of ourselves and other animals, we are able to ultilize gene in various aspects. For example, we are more efficient in tracking down the culprits based on DNA from the crime scene. What's more, it is now possible for analysis has greatly improved criminal investigations by enabling us to identify perpetrators through evidence left at crime scenes (rephrased for better flow). Furthermore, advancements in genetic research have facilitated the diagnosis and even cure people's potential treatment of previously enigmatic genetic disease diseases by researching studying or modifying their an individual's DNA structure. These kinds of disease was mysterious structure (rephrased to improve clarity and overwhelming when placed before DNA research.readability).

8 思维导图

1. DNA发现与结构
   1.1 科学进步
   1.2 分子生物学

2. 遗传研究的发展
   2.1 生命科学领域的进步
   2.2 基因研究的应用

3. DNA分析在犯罪调查中的应用
   3.1 犯罪现场证据分析
   3.2 罪犯身份识别

4. 遗传疾病的诊断与治疗
   4.1 遗传性疾病的识别和解析
   4.2 DNA结构的修饰和潜在治疗方法

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 27

3. 任务完成度

总体来说，你的文章回答了教授的问题，并对讨论做出了贡献。然而，你可以在以下方面进行改进：更具体地支持你的观点，提供更多详细的例子和解释。此外，尝试使用更丰富的词汇和语法结构。

改进示例1（英文）： Instead of "With these implements, people can judge one perspective from different aspects, and finally find the truth on their own.", you could write "By comparing various sources and analyzing their credibility, users can form a well-rounded understanding of the topic and make informed decisions based on the most reliable information."

改进示例2（英文）： You could add more specific examples to support your viewpoint, such as "For instance, when researching economic policies, one can compare data from reputable news outlets, government publications, and academic articles to ensure the accuracy of the information gathered."

4. 文章结构与组织

从组织结构上看，你的文章有明确的结构，包括引言、正文和结论。但是，在段落之间加入过渡句可以使文章更连贯。同时，在正文部分中添加更多详细内容以支持你的观点。

改进示例1（英文）： To improve the transition between ideas, you could add a sentence like "While consulting academic journals and considering the source are valid approaches, comparing multiple sources can offer a more comprehensive understanding."

改进示例2（英文）： You could expand on your main point by adding more details and examples, such as "When evaluating online sources, one should consider factors such as the author's credentials, the website's reputation, and whether the information is supported by evidence from other reputable sources."

5. 语法批改

Admittedly, Amy and Rory provide compelling arguments focusin focus(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'in' is missing in a sentence.) on academic journals and the characteristics of persons who provide the information. In my view, I would like to check online information by comparison. To elaborate, one of the essential conveneincesconveniences(misspelling) the internet can provide is that there is massive information available and accessiableaccessible(misspelling). Under this circumstance, we can easily find various of information of one particular thing. There are both positive and negative comments, which are (Two consecutive spaces)written by experienced persons or critics on ZhihuZhou(misspelling), arguments and discussions of social issues from different users on Twitter, and educational videos from experts. With these implements, people can judge one perspective from different aspects, and finally find the truth on their own.

Display title: 6 文章修订

While Amy and Rory present valid points regarding the use of academic journals and evaluating the credibility of information providers, I believe that comparing various sources is an effective approach to verify online information. The internet offers a vast array of information, making it easy to access diverse perspectives on a single topic. By examining both positive and negative comments from experienced individuals or critics on platforms like Zhihu, engaging in discussions on social media sites like Twitter, and watching educational videos from experts, we can analyze a subject from multiple angles. This comprehensive approach enables us to discern the truth independently and make informed contributions to the conversation. (113 words)

Admittedly, Revised essay: Display title: 7 文章批改

While Amy and Rory provide compelling arguments focus on present valid points (changed "compelling arguments" to "valid points" for a more natural tone) regarding the use of academic journals and the evaluating the credibility of information providers (rephrased "the characteristics of persons who provide the information. In my view, information" for clarity), I believe that comparing various sources is an effective approach to verify online information (rephrased "I would like to check online information by comparison. To elaborate, one comparison" for better flow). The internet offers a vast array of information, making it easy to access diverse perspectives on a single topic (rephrased "one of the essential conveneinces conveniences the internet can provide is that there is massive information available and accessiable. Under this circumstance, we can easily find various of information of one particular thing. There are accessible" for clarity and conciseness). By examining both positive and negative comments, which are written by comments from experienced persons individuals or critics on Zhihu, arguments and platforms like Zhihu (added specific platform example), engaging in discussions of on social issues from different users on media sites like Twitter, and watching educational videos from experts. With experts, we can analyze a subject from multiple angles (rephrased "With these implements, people can judge one perspective from different aspects, and finally find aspects" for better flow). This comprehensive approach enables us to discern the truth on their own.independently and make informed contributions to the conversation (added a concluding statement summarizing the main idea).

Display title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Comparing various sources
   - Verifying online information

2. Internet as a source of information
   - Vast array of information
   - Diverse perspectives on a single topic

3. Examining comments and reviews
   - Positive and negative comments
   - Experienced individuals or critics

4. Engaging in discussions on social media platforms
   - Zhihu, Twitter, etc.

5. Watching educational videos from experts

6. Analyzing a subject from multiple angles

7. Discerning the truth independently 

8. Making informed contributions to the conversation 

Display title: 9 关键词

Display title: 6 文章修订

Amy和Rory关于使用学术期刊和评估信息提供者可信度的观点确实有道理，但我认为比较各种来源是验证在线信息的有效方法。互联网提供了大量的信息，使我们能够轻松获取关于单一主题的多种观点。通过查看来自有经验的个人或评论家在知乎等平台上的正面和负面评论、参与推特等社交媒体网站上的讨论，以及观看专家的教育视频，我们可以从多个角度分析一个主题。这种全面的方法使我们能够独立辨别真相，并为对话做出见多识广的贡献。