TOEFL TPO 5 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on environmental science. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 26 (based on the average of Sub Scores)

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of addressing the task requirements, expressing an opinion, and contributing to the discussion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of providing more specific examples or details to support the viewpoint. Additionally, it would be helpful to address other perspectives mentioned in the conversation, such as rooftop green spaces or creative building designs.

Example 1: "For instance, a city could prioritize building supermarkets near residential areas for easy access to essential goods while allocating land for parks in less densely populated areas."

Example 2: "Addressing Claire's suggestion of rooftop green spaces, this could be a viable solution for urban areas with limited space, allowing for both commercial development and green spaces to coexist."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing different aspects of the topic, and a conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Suggestion 1: Use more transition words or phrases to connect ideas within paragraphs and between paragraphs.

Example 1: "In addition to providing essential goods, supermarkets also create job opportunities for local residents."

Suggestion 2: Organize the essay in a way that addresses each perspective from the conversation sequentially.

Example 2: Introduction

• Briefly mention both perspectives from the conversation Body Paragraph 1

• Discuss Kelly's viewpoint on prioritizing essential services like hospitals Body Paragraph 2

• Discuss Claire's viewpoint on incorporating green spaces into existing structures Conclusion

• Summarize your opinion considering both perspectives

5. Grammar

I believe that a city needs the foundations to create a society that is convenient for people whilst keeping their health scales up. To accomplish this, there will be some problems that we need to sort out, and some infrastructure that we need to input.

Talking about convenience, lots of green spaces inside a crowded living area may not be that efficient for the citizens, because most of the time, people are more willing to go to a supermarket rather than a park at the same distance because they need the supermarket to provide them with goods to replenish themselves and intake nutrients, while a park cannot eliminate their hunger. This shows that convenience-wise, a park is not the best choice for taking up the urban space that we need to use for more important infrastructure.

For the health of the citizens, a hospital is needed, but it can be located a bit far away from the urban areas, because even if there is an emergency, ambulances can quickly fetch the patient and make sure that he or she will have enough time to be saved. However, if people want to exercise and keep up their health scales by themselves, a park is a very good choice. It can help prevent some diseases and elevate fitness of the whole community. So through this comparison, we have come to a conclusion that a park can work more for people's health rates rather than a hospital, which can still function well even if it is not in the center of the urban area where people live.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

Balancing urban development with the well-being of citizens is a crucial aspect of city planning. In order to achieve this, it is essential to address various challenges and prioritize the necessary infrastructure.

In terms of convenience, allocating large amounts of green space within densely populated areas may not be the most efficient use of limited urban land. Often, people prioritize visiting supermarkets over parks due to their immediate needs for sustenance and essential goods. Supermarkets contribute significantly to the daily lives of citizens by providing them with necessary resources. Consequently, it is evident that in terms of practicality, urban spaces should prioritize essential infrastructure over recreational areas such as parks.

However, when considering public health, green spaces can play a vital role in promoting overall well-being and fitness within communities. Parks provide an accessible space for exercise and leisure activities that can help prevent certain diseases and improve the quality of life for residents. In contrast, hospitals are undoubtedly crucial for addressing medical emergencies but do not necessarily need to be located within the heart of urban areas. With efficient emergency services such as ambulances, patients can still receive timely care even if hospitals are situated at a distance from residential zones.

In conclusion, while parks contribute positively to public health, it is essential to strike a balance between providing necessary infrastructure and recreational spaces in urban areas. Allocating land for essential services like supermarkets should take precedence over creating green spaces; however, incorporating innovative solutions such as rooftop gardens or integrating greenery into new building designs can help ensure that both aspects are adequately addressed in city planning. (274 words)

I believe that Balancing urban development with the well-being of citizens is a crucial aspect of city needs the foundations to create a society that planning (revised for clarity and conciseness). In order to achieve this, it is convenient for people whilst keeping their health scales up. To accomplish this, there will be some problems that we need to sort out, and some essential to address various challenges and prioritize the necessary infrastructure that we need to input. (rephrased for better flow).

Talking about In terms of convenience, lots allocating large amounts of green spaces inside a crowded living area space within densely populated areas may not be that the most efficient for the citizens, because most of the time, use of limited urban land (rephrased for clarity). Often, people are more willing to go to a supermarket rather than a park at the same distance because they need the supermarket to provide prioritize visiting supermarkets over parks due to their immediate needs for sustenance and essential goods (revised for better flow). Supermarkets contribute significantly to the daily lives of citizens by providing them with goods to replenish themselves and intake nutrients, while necessary resources (rephrased for clarity). Consequently, it is evident that in terms of practicality, urban spaces should prioritize essential infrastructure over recreational areas such as parks (revised for better flow).

However, when considering public health, green spaces can play a park cannot eliminate their hunger. This shows vital role in promoting overall well-being and fitness within communities (rephrased for clarity). Parks provide an accessible space for exercise and leisure activities that convenience-wise, a park is not the best choice for taking up the urban space that we need to use for more important infrastructure. ¶ For the health of the citizens, a hospital is needed, but it can be located a bit far away from the urban areas, because even if there is an emergency, ambulances can quickly fetch the patient and make sure that he or she will have enough time to be saved. However, if people want to exercise and keep up their health scales by themselves, a park is a very good choice. It can help prevent some certain diseases and elevate fitness of the whole community. So through this comparison, we have come to a conclusion that a park can work more for people's health rates rather than a hospital, which improve the quality of life for residents (revised for better flow). In contrast, hospitals are undoubtedly crucial for addressing medical emergencies but do not necessarily need to be located within the heart of urban areas (rephrased for clarity). With efficient emergency services such as ambulances, patients can still function well receive timely care even if hospitals are situated at a distance from residential zones (revised for better flow).

In conclusion, while parks contribute positively to public health, it is not essential to strike a balance between providing necessary infrastructure and recreational spaces in the center of the urban area where people live.urban areas (rephrased for clarity). Allocating land for essential services like supermarkets should take precedence over creating green spaces; however, incorporating innovative solutions such as rooftop gardens or integrating greenery into new building designs can help ensure that both aspects are adequately addressed in city planning (added examples to support the argument).

8 Mind Map

1. Balancing urban development

   • City planning
   • Well-being of citizens

2. Addressing challenges

   • Prioritizing infrastructure

3. Convenience vs. green space

   • Limited urban land
   • Supermarkets vs. parks

4. Daily life necessities

   • Essential goods and services

5. Public health considerations

   • Role of green spaces in well-being and fitness

6. Accessibility to medical care

   • Hospitals and emergency services

7. Striking a balance in urban areas

   • Essential services vs. recreational spaces

8. Innovative solutions

   • Rooftop gardens, integrated greenery

9 Key Words

1. Sub Scores

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22

3. Task completeness

The essay does a decent job of addressing the task requirements by expressing an opinion and contributing to the discussion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, elaboration, and grammar. To enhance the essay, focus on providing more specific examples or evidence to support your viewpoint, as well as refining language use.

Example 1: Original: "However, using the land on developing environmental protections skill is beneficial for pollution problems like greenhouse effects is a most severe problem nowadays." Improved: "However, using the land to develop environmental protection initiatives can help address pressing issues such as pollution and the greenhouse effect."

Example 2: Original: "Finally, as Kelly pointed out, human's body is the most important variable people needs to consider out when deciding what the land should be used." Improved: "As Kelly pointed out, considering human health should be a priority when deciding how to use available land."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could benefit from clearer organization and transitions between ideas. To improve organization, consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that clearly state the main point.

Example 1: Original: "Admittedly, as Claire mentioned..." Improved: "While Claire suggests that green spaces can be created on rooftops..."

Example 2: Original: "Finally, as Kelly pointed out..." Improved: "Taking into account Kelly's emphasis on human health..."

5. Grammar

I hightheight(misspelling) recommend utilize the land on focusing the development of environmental protections. Admittedly, as Claire mentioned, green spaces can be made on the rooftops of various buildings, and new ones can be constructed in free spaces. However, using the land on developing environmental protections skill is beneficial for pollution problems like greenhouse effects is a most severe problem nowadays. Because of human activities, pollution and negative effects such as the greenhouse effect have been more grievous than ever. Many individuals believe it would only impact Earth but not themselves, but in reality, it can affect the longevity of all the creatures that dwell on Earth, the air-breathing has been more harmful to organs. Finally, as Kelly pointed out, human's body is the most important variable people needsneed(people + 3rd person verb) to consider out when deciding what the land should be used, and utilize the land to develop environmental protection will be a perfect way to use the itit(the it (IT)).

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In response to Doctor Achebe's question, I firmly believe that the optimal use of available urban space should prioritize environmental protection. While Claire's suggestion of creating green spaces on rooftops and incorporating them into new building designs is innovative, it is essential to address the more pressing issue of pollution and its consequences, such as the greenhouse effect. This problem has become increasingly severe due to human activities, and its impact extends beyond our planet to all living creatures inhabiting it. Breathing polluted air can have detrimental effects on our health and well-being. As Kelly emphasized, the health of individuals should be a primary consideration when deciding how to utilize available land. Therefore, dedicating urban space to developing environmental protection measures would be an ideal way to address these concerns while also contributing positively to the community. (142 words)

In response to Doctor Achebe's question, I hight recommend utilize firmly believe that the land on focusing the development optimal use of available urban space should prioritize environmental protections. Admittedly, as Claire mentioned, protection (revised for clarity and natural tone). While Claire's suggestion of creating green spaces can be made on rooftops and incorporating them into new building designs is innovative (rephrased for better flow), it is essential to address the rooftops more pressing issue of various buildings, and new ones can be constructed in free spaces. However, using the land on developing environmental protections skill is beneficial for pollution problems like greenhouse effects is a most severe problem nowadays. Because of human activities, pollution and negative effects its consequences, such as the greenhouse effect (clarified focus). This problem has become increasingly severe due to human activities, and its impact extends beyond our planet to all living creatures inhabiting it (revised for better flow and clarity). Breathing polluted air can have been more grievous than ever. Many detrimental effects on our health and well-being (simplified sentence for readability). As Kelly emphasized, the health of individuals believe it would only impact Earth but not themselves, but in reality, it can affect the longevity of all the creatures that dwell on Earth, the air-breathing has been more harmful to organs. Finally, as Kelly pointed out, human's body is the most important variable people needs to consider out should be a primary consideration when deciding what the how to utilize available land should be used, and utilize the land (clarified reference to develop Kelly's point). Therefore, dedicating urban space to developing environmental protection will measures would be a perfect an ideal way to use address these concerns while also contributing positively to the it.community (summarized main argument and added a positive outcome).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

1. Environmental Protection
   1.1 Green spaces
       1.1.1 Rooftops
       1.1.2 Building designs
   1.2 Pollution
       1.2.1 Greenhouse effect
       1.2.2 Human activities
   1.3 Health and well-being
       1.3.1 Breathing polluted air
       1.3.2 Urban space utilization

2. Community Contribution
   2.1 Prioritizing health of individuals
   2.2 Developing environmental protection measures

Display title: 9 Key Words

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In response to Doctor Achebe's question, I firmly believe that the optimal use of available urban space should prioritize environmental protection. While Claire's suggestion of creating green spaces on rooftops and incorporating them into new building designs is innovative, it is essential to address the more pressing issue of pollution and its consequences, such as the greenhouse effect. This problem has become increasingly severe due to human activities, and its impact extends beyond our planet to all living creatures inhabiting it. Breathing polluted air can have detrimental effects on our health and well-being. As Kelly emphasized, the health of individuals should be a primary consideration when deciding how to utilize available land. Therefore, dedicating urban space to developing environmental protection measures would be an ideal way to address these concerns while also contributing positively to the community.