TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on public health. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

25. 3 任务完成度

你的文章在回答问题方面做得很好，观点明确，并且提供了一些具体的例子。但是，为了更好地完成任务，你可以尝试更深入地探讨这个话题，例如提到环境因素、食品安全等方面。此外，在语法和词汇使用方面还有一些小错误需要改进。

示例1（改进）：In this case, the risks of many diseases have risen, like the problem of blood circulation, high blood pressure, and so on. 改进后：As a result, the risks of various health issues have increased, such as poor blood circulation, high blood pressure, and other related conditions.

示例2（改进）：Especially these days, people always sit in front their computers for almost a whole day... 改进后：Particularly in modern times, people often spend their entire day sitting in front of computers...

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面基本合理，但可以在引言部分加强观点的陈述，并在结论部分进行总结。同时，在段落之间加入过渡句子以增强连贯性。

示例1（改进）：In my opinion, I agree with Jonah's point of view that people are less healthy nowadays because they have less time to exercise. 改进后：In my opinion, I concur with Jonah that people are generally less healthy today due to their limited time for exercise and other factors.

示例2（改进）：Therefore, I think it’s harder for people nowadays to keep healthy. 改进后：In conclusion, I believe that maintaining good health has become more challenging for individuals in modern times due to various factors such as sedentary lifestyles and work-related stress.

5. 语法批改

In my opinion, I agree with Jonah's point of viewperspective that people are less healthy nowadays because they have less time to exercise. In addition, I think such amount time ofspent at work also causes the badcontributes to poor health for people. Especially these days,in recent times, people alwaysoften sit in front their computers for almost a wholean entire day, which definitely do nocertainly does not help to their backbone and legs. This unhealthy work habitat doenvironment does such harm to people's health that they alwaysoften feel uncomfortable during work. In this case, the risks of many diseases have risen, like the problem ofincrease, such as problems with blood circulation, high blood pressurepressure, and so on. For example, I alwaysoften use my computer to write my code. It makes me feel tired because my eyes need to stare onat the screen for several hours constantly.at a time. As a result, I get a myopichave developed myopia, and my eyes always feel dry after thea long period of work. Therefore, I think it'sit is harder for people nowadays to keep healthy.maintain good health.

Title: 6 文章修订

In my perspective, I concur with Jonah's assertion that individuals today are generally less healthy due to limited opportunities for physical activity. Furthermore, I believe that the demanding nature of modern work contributes significantly to this decline in overall health. In particular, contemporary work environments often require individuals to spend extended periods sitting in front of computers, which can lead to detrimental effects on posture and leg circulation. Consequently, these unhealthy habits increase the risk of various health issues such as poor blood circulation and hypertension. For instance, as a coder, I spend countless hours staring at a computer screen, resulting in eye strain and fatigue. This prolonged exposure has not only led to myopia but also causes persistent dryness in my eyes. Thus, it seems evident that maintaining good health has become increasingly challenging for individuals in today's fast-paced world. (144 words)

In my opinion, perspective [Changed "opinion" to "perspective" for a more natural tone], I agree concur with Jonah's point assertion [Changed "point of view view" to "assertion" for better flow] that people individuals today are generally less healthy nowadays because they have less time due to exercise. limited opportunities for physical activity. Furthermore, I believe that the demanding nature of modern work contributes significantly to this decline in overall health. In addition, particular, contemporary work environments often require individuals to spend extended periods sitting in front of computers, which can lead to detrimental effects on posture and leg circulation [Rephrased for clarity and conciseness]. Consequently, these unhealthy habits increase the risk of various health issues such as poor blood circulation and hypertension [Changed "high blood pressure" to "hypertension" for a more formal tone]. For instance, as a coder, I think such amount time of work spend countless hours staring at a computer screen, resulting in eye strain and fatigue. This prolonged exposure has not only led to myopia but also causes the bad health for people. Especially these days, people always sit persistent dryness in front their computers for almost a whole day, which definitely do no help to their backbone and legs. This unhealthy work habitat do such harm to people's health that they always feel uncomfortable during work. In this case, the risks of many diseases have risen, like the problem of blood circulation, high blood pressure and so on. For example, I always use my computer to write my code. It makes me feel tired because my eyes need to stare on [Rephrased for better flow]. Thus, it seems evident that maintaining good health has become increasingly challenging for individuals in today's fast-paced world [Rephrased the screen concluding sentence for several hours constantly. As a result, I get a myopic and my eyes always feel dry after the long period of work. Therefore, I think it’s harder for people nowadays to keep healthy.stronger finish].

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Agree with Jonah's assertion
   - Less healthy due to limited physical activity

2. Demanding nature of modern work
   - Decline in overall health
   - Extended periods sitting in front of computers

3. Detrimental effects on posture and leg circulation
   - Unhealthy habits
   - Risk of health issues

4. Health issues examples
   - Poor blood circulation
   - Hypertension

5. Personal experience as a coder
   - Eye strain and fatigue
   - Myopia and persistent dryness in eyes

6. Conclusion
   - Maintaining good health increasingly challenging in today's world

Title: 9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 27

3. 任务完成度

整体来说，这篇文章回答了问题并表达了观点。但是，可以在以下方面进行改进：

1. 更具体地讨论现代生活方式和环境因素如何影响健康。

2. 在文章中加入更多细节和例子来支持观点。

示例1：可以讨论现代人如何通过健康饮食、锻炼和科学的生活习惯来保持健康。 示例2：可以举例说明现代医学技术如何帮助人们预防和治疗疾病，从而更容易保持健康。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构基本清晰，包括引言、正文和结论。但在组织上还有改进空间：

1. 在引言部分简要介绍文章的主题和观点。

2. 在正文部分使用更明确的段落划分，以便突出每个具体观点及其支持细节。

示例1：在引言中加入一句话，例如：“尽管过去的生活方式可能更加健康，但我认为现代医学的进步使得人们更容易保持健康。” 示例2：在正文中分段讨论不同方面的观点，如：“首先，现代医学的发展使得许多疾病得到了有效治疗。其次，人们对健康饮食和锻炼的意识也有所提高。”

5. 语法批改

Jonah provides a convincing opinion that it was easier to stay healthy in the past due to their healthier lifestyles and fewer unhealthy jobs. However, I disagree with Jonah and think it is easier to keep fit nowadays because of the highly developed science and technology. Contributing to the modern medical science, a lot of diseases that are considered to be incurable are actually curable today. In particular, the development of vaccines highly prevents a variety of illnesses to harm people. So in my opinion, it would be definitely easier for people to keep healthy nowadays provided modern medical assistance is available.

Title: 6 文章修订

While Jonah presents a compelling argument that maintaining good health was easier in the past due to more active lifestyles and fewer sedentary jobs, I respectfully disagree. In my view, it is simpler to stay healthy in the present day, primarily due to advancements in science and technology. Modern medical breakthroughs have rendered numerous previously incurable diseases treatable, and the development of vaccines has significantly reduced the prevalence of various illnesses. Consequently, I believe that maintaining good health is indeed more feasible today, provided that individuals have access to contemporary medical assistance. (95 words)

Revised essay: Title: 7 Article Revision

While Jonah provides presents a convincing opinion compelling argument (revised for clarity and conciseness) that it maintaining good health was easier in the past due to more active lifestyles (rephrased for better flow) and fewer sedentary jobs, I respectfully disagree (added for politeness). In my view, it is simpler to stay healthy in the past present day (rephrased for better flow), primarily due to their healthier lifestyles and fewer unhealthy jobs. However, I disagree with Jonah and think it is easier to keep fit nowadays because of the highly developed advancements in science and technology. Contributing to the modern technology (rephrased for clarity). Modern medical science, a lot of breakthroughs have rendered numerous previously incurable diseases that are considered to be incurable are actually curable today. In particular, treatable (revised for conciseness), and the development of vaccines highly prevents a variety has significantly reduced the prevalence of various illnesses (rephrased for better flow). Consequently, I believe that maintaining good health is indeed more feasible today (rephrased for clarity), provided that individuals have access to harm people. So in my opinion, it would be definitely easier for people to keep healthy nowadays provided modern contemporary medical assistance is available.(revised for conciseness).

8 思维导图

- Maintaining Good Health
    - Past
        - Active lifestyles
        - Fewer sedentary jobs
    - Present (My View)
        - Advancements in science and technology
            - Modern medical breakthroughs
                - Previously incurable diseases now treatable
            - Development of vaccines
                - Reduced prevalence of illnesses
        - Access to contemporary medical assistance

9 关键词

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

25. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在任务完成方面做得不错，但仍有改进的空间。首先，你需要更详细地阐述你的观点，例如提供更多具体的例子来支持你的论点。此外，在语法和词汇使用方面也需要加强。尽量避免重复单词，并注意检查拼写和语法错误。

改进示例1： 原文：In contrast, people nowadays have sufficient medical supplement and comprehensive infrastructure to ensure the food sources, which secure the longevity of mordern human. 修改后：In contrast, people nowadays have access to advanced medical treatments and a comprehensive infrastructure that ensures a stable food supply, contributing to the increased life expectancy of modern humans.

改进示例2： 原文：Whereas ancient people mostly suffering, have weak conscious of protecting overall-wellbeing so that better appreciate the beautity of the world. 修改后：Whereas ancient people often suffered from various hardships, they had a weaker awareness of maintaining their overall well-being in order to better appreciate the beauty of the world.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面还有待提高。虽然你的文章包括了引言、正文和结论，但在段落之间缺乏明确的过渡。为了使文章更加连贯，你需要在段落之间添加过渡词或短语。此外，确保每个段落都集中讨论一个特定的观点，并提供相关的细节和例子来支持这个观点。

改进示例1： 原文：Firstly, it's acknowledged that ancient people have limited life span, which is the result of little medical knowledge and cure system, poor food source and the scarcity of protection. 修改后：Firstly, it is widely acknowledged that ancient people had a limited lifespan due to their lack of medical knowledge, inadequate healthcare systems, poor food sources, and insufficient protection against diseases.

改进示例2： 原文：In conclusion, mordern society provide sufficient conditions to ensure the longevity of human, making maintain health more easier for people. 修改后：In conclusion, modern society provides the necessary conditions to ensure human longevity, making it easier for individuals to maintain their health and well-being.

5. 语法批改

In the ongingongoing(misspelling) debate over which period is easier for people to maintain health, my opinion aligns with Amber's, due to the modern life stylelifestyle(life style (lifestyle)) and medical, technoloigcaltechnological(misspelling) development, people nowadays would be so much easier to stay health.

Firstly, it's acknowledged that ancient people have limited life span, which is the result of (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))little medical knowledge and cure system, poor food source and the scarcity of protection. People would easily dieddie(Non-infinitive verb after modal verbs) because of little injures and, and(comma between independent clauses) they have to work endlessly to avoid be stravedstarved(misspelling) to death. In contrast, people nowadays have sufficient medical supplement and comprehensive infrastructure to ensure the food sources, which secure the longevity of mordernmodern(misspelling) human.

Secondly, people nowadays have a stronger sense of staying health to enjoy life, for example, doing exercise regularly is common sense in mordernmodern(misspelling) era. Whereas ancient peoplepeople,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) mostly suffering, have weak conscious of protecting overall-wellbeing so that better appreciateappreciates(Plural verb after 'this' or 'that') the beautitybeautify(misspelling) of the world.

In conclusion, mordernmodern(misspelling) society provide sufficient conditions to ensure the longevity of human, making maintain health more easiereasier(No 'more' or 'most' before comparatives) for people.

Title: 6 文章修订

In the ongoing debate regarding which period is more conducive to maintaining good health, I concur with Amber's perspective that contemporary society, with its advancements in medicine and technology, makes it easier for individuals to stay healthy.

Firstly, it is important to acknowledge that people in the past had shorter lifespans due to limited medical knowledge, inadequate healthcare systems, scarce food sources, and insufficient protection. Minor injuries could easily prove fatal, and individuals had to work tirelessly to avoid starvation. In contrast, modern society benefits from extensive medical resources and well-developed infrastructure that secure reliable food sources, thereby ensuring increased longevity for contemporary humans.

Secondly, people today possess a heightened awareness of the importance of maintaining good health in order to enjoy life. Engaging in regular exercise has become common practice in the modern era. Conversely, individuals in the past often endured hardship and possessed a weaker understanding of overall well-being; thus they were less equipped to fully appreciate the beauty of the world.

Lastly, modern society provides ample opportunities for individuals to access information about health and wellness. Through various media platforms and educational resources, people can learn about proper nutrition, exercise routines, and mental health practices that contribute significantly to their overall well-being. This wealth of knowledge was not available in the past; therefore making it more challenging for individuals to maintain good health.

Overall, modern society offers an abundance of resources and opportunities that facilitate better health maintenance compared to previous eras. (248 words)

In the onging ongoing debate over regarding which period is more conducive to maintaining good health (clarified the topic), I concur with Amber's perspective that contemporary society, with its advancements in medicine and technology, makes it easier for people to maintain health, my opinion aligns with Amber's, due to the modern life style and medical, technoloigcal development, people nowadays would be so much easier individuals to stay health. healthy (corrected grammar and phrasing).

Firstly, it's acknowledged that ancient it is important to acknowledge that people have in the past had shorter lifespans due to limited life span, which is the result of little medical knowledge and cure system, poor (corrected grammar), inadequate healthcare systems, scarce food source and the scarcity of sources, and insufficient protection. People would Minor injuries could easily died because of little injures and they have prove fatal, and individuals had to work endlessly tirelessly to avoid be straved to death. starvation. In contrast, people nowadays have sufficient modern society benefits from extensive medical supplement and comprehensive resources (clarified meaning) and well-developed infrastructure to ensure the that secure reliable food sources, which secure the sources (corrected grammar), thereby ensuring increased longevity of mordern human. for contemporary humans.

Secondly, people nowadays have today possess a stronger sense of staying health heightened awareness of the importance of maintaining good health in order to enjoy life, for example, doing life (rephrased for clarity). Engaging in regular exercise regularly is has become common sense in mordern practice in the modern era. Whereas ancient Conversely, individuals in the past often endured hardship and possessed a weaker understanding of overall well-being; thus they were less equipped to fully appreciate the beauty of the world (rephrased for clarity).

Lastly, modern society provides ample opportunities for individuals to access information about health and wellness (added a new point). Through various media platforms and educational resources, people mostly suffering, have weak conscious of protecting overall-wellbeing so that can learn about proper nutrition, exercise routines, and mental health practices that contribute significantly to their overall well-being. This wealth of knowledge was not available in the past; therefore making it more challenging for individuals to maintain good health.

Overall, modern society offers an abundance of resources and opportunities that facilitate better appreciate the beautity of the world. ¶ In conclusion, mordern society provide sufficient conditions to ensure the longevity of human, making maintain health more easier for people.health maintenance compared to previous eras (conclusion rephrased for clarity).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Debate on health in different periods
   - Agreement with Amber's perspective

2. Medical advancements and technology
   - Shorter lifespans in the past
   - Limited medical knowledge and healthcare systems
   - Modern society benefits from extensive resources and infrastructure

3. Heightened awareness of health importance
   - Regular exercise in modern era
   - Past individuals endured hardship and had weaker understanding of well-being

4. Access to information about health and wellness
   - Media platforms and educational resources in modern society
   - Proper nutrition, exercise routines, mental health practices

5. Conclusion 
   - Modern society offers better health maintenance opportunities compared to previous eras.

Title: 9 关键词